I'm New... Some thought's...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1
I'm New... Some thought's...
Where to start because I feel like its hasn’t ended…
Is this going to be my life?
Is this some thing I have to accept?
I didn’t cause it as much as his drunken manipulations would like to make me think so!
I can’t control it as much as I want to for both our benefit of not losing every thing we have worked so hard for.
I can’t cure it hence the feelings of powerlessness!
I have tried the talks…. All ending in the same responses of “no never again”
If I could put every penny I have ever earned on the odds of it happening again I would be a multi millionaire.
It’s the same merry go round, so why stay?
Am I really addicted to instability because that is all I’ve ever known?
And I quote “I am bored with us”… is he deflecting his issues on me… or trying to? The same way he throws things in my face when he is smashed?? But that came out when he was sober…. So I ask again??? Why stay?
Its just a house…. Nothing that can’t be rebuilt again else where with some one more stable… Enticing…
The dog? No body should stay together for the kids so why would they stay for a dog?
I have always said no matter what the issue no abuse is worth staying for… no matter how hard leaving is staying is harder! So why stay?
I love him? Yes… but is that reason enough to put up with constant and destructive momentary lapses and alcohol, induced insanity?
The lies… or hiding the truth… I hate it! I have never stood for it! Why is this different?
Because I am in deeper than any other relationship I have had?
Nothing that a few signatures in a solicitor’s office will not take care of… I ask again why stay?
“I’ll get help” ending in two visits to a councilor… then what? he thinks his cured and its over… until the next time…. Oh there’s always a next time… like the guarantee of tomorrow, with or with out you… there’s always a next time!
Family history…. Yes… are they aware he has drinking issues?
I wouldn’t say that this is some thing that has only developed since meeting me… His cousin confirmed that!
Are his parents aware of events over the last 5 years?
No its like he hides it. Hides it to protect them or I fear that he is trying protect any kind of reputation he is falsely leading them to believe. He needs to tell them! He needs to become accountable for his actions no matter how painful it is to admit to them. I can keep carrying the burden on my shoulders alone.
Do you have support in dealing with these issues? No, and I feel like any one I do turn to loses respect for me because I wont take my own advice and leave. To be honest I couldn’t put up with some one ringing me every few months in tears, when the simple answer although painful is abundantly clear.
The wedding?? There is no wedding! I can not legally commit to a life of insanity I have enough of my own issues to deal with… what are my wedding vows going to say?? “I vow to love honor and obey you in drunkenness, disorderliness, abusiveness until cirrhosis of the liver do us part”
“One more chance… one more chance”
Next time? As painful as it will be staying is more painful. Pain heals once the cause is gone… next time… I’m out… no warning, no talking, no entering discussions!
Just packing, leaving, I have looked into a restraining order, and have made my self aware of my rights, he can deal with my solicitor from that point on.
Is this going to be my life?
Is this some thing I have to accept?
I didn’t cause it as much as his drunken manipulations would like to make me think so!
I can’t control it as much as I want to for both our benefit of not losing every thing we have worked so hard for.
I can’t cure it hence the feelings of powerlessness!
I have tried the talks…. All ending in the same responses of “no never again”
If I could put every penny I have ever earned on the odds of it happening again I would be a multi millionaire.
It’s the same merry go round, so why stay?
Am I really addicted to instability because that is all I’ve ever known?
And I quote “I am bored with us”… is he deflecting his issues on me… or trying to? The same way he throws things in my face when he is smashed?? But that came out when he was sober…. So I ask again??? Why stay?
Its just a house…. Nothing that can’t be rebuilt again else where with some one more stable… Enticing…
The dog? No body should stay together for the kids so why would they stay for a dog?
I have always said no matter what the issue no abuse is worth staying for… no matter how hard leaving is staying is harder! So why stay?
I love him? Yes… but is that reason enough to put up with constant and destructive momentary lapses and alcohol, induced insanity?
The lies… or hiding the truth… I hate it! I have never stood for it! Why is this different?
Because I am in deeper than any other relationship I have had?
Nothing that a few signatures in a solicitor’s office will not take care of… I ask again why stay?
“I’ll get help” ending in two visits to a councilor… then what? he thinks his cured and its over… until the next time…. Oh there’s always a next time… like the guarantee of tomorrow, with or with out you… there’s always a next time!
Family history…. Yes… are they aware he has drinking issues?
I wouldn’t say that this is some thing that has only developed since meeting me… His cousin confirmed that!
Are his parents aware of events over the last 5 years?
No its like he hides it. Hides it to protect them or I fear that he is trying protect any kind of reputation he is falsely leading them to believe. He needs to tell them! He needs to become accountable for his actions no matter how painful it is to admit to them. I can keep carrying the burden on my shoulders alone.
Do you have support in dealing with these issues? No, and I feel like any one I do turn to loses respect for me because I wont take my own advice and leave. To be honest I couldn’t put up with some one ringing me every few months in tears, when the simple answer although painful is abundantly clear.
The wedding?? There is no wedding! I can not legally commit to a life of insanity I have enough of my own issues to deal with… what are my wedding vows going to say?? “I vow to love honor and obey you in drunkenness, disorderliness, abusiveness until cirrhosis of the liver do us part”
“One more chance… one more chance”
Next time? As painful as it will be staying is more painful. Pain heals once the cause is gone… next time… I’m out… no warning, no talking, no entering discussions!
Just packing, leaving, I have looked into a restraining order, and have made my self aware of my rights, he can deal with my solicitor from that point on.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 173
Hi Doolaley; You are right in saying, "I didnt cause it, I dont control it and I cant cure it". It is another angle of the serenity prayer. "God, Grant me the serenity to
accept the things I cannot change.
courage to change the things I can.
WISDOM to know the difference.
I am sure your man is very handsome, smart, sweet etc which is probably how you have wound up together and contemplating marriage. Just remember that whatever decision you make regarding the direction of this relationship need not be explained - to anyone - period. The only person it should make sense to is you. It is helpful, when inventorying (as you did a little in your post) write down YOUR part in it. Maybe understanding better how you got to this place in your life right now. Consider your reasons for staying. What are you telling yourself about that? Please, whatever you decide to do, DO NOT stay only so that you wont have to put up with his pleas and cries. You do this FOR you and no one else. Have the best life you can imagine.
accept the things I cannot change.
courage to change the things I can.
WISDOM to know the difference.
I am sure your man is very handsome, smart, sweet etc which is probably how you have wound up together and contemplating marriage. Just remember that whatever decision you make regarding the direction of this relationship need not be explained - to anyone - period. The only person it should make sense to is you. It is helpful, when inventorying (as you did a little in your post) write down YOUR part in it. Maybe understanding better how you got to this place in your life right now. Consider your reasons for staying. What are you telling yourself about that? Please, whatever you decide to do, DO NOT stay only so that you wont have to put up with his pleas and cries. You do this FOR you and no one else. Have the best life you can imagine.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello doolaley, Welcome to SR!
Yes, it takes a moment when the pain of staying IS greater than the pain of leaving. I hope you know that you deserve a life free of manipulation, verbal abuse, and chaos.
Perhaps now is the time for you to make 'self' a priority? You are among people here who understand!
HG
Yes, it takes a moment when the pain of staying IS greater than the pain of leaving. I hope you know that you deserve a life free of manipulation, verbal abuse, and chaos.
Perhaps now is the time for you to make 'self' a priority? You are among people here who understand!
HG
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by Pelican 
Welcome to the SR family!
This is your one precious life. You have choices!
This is your one precious life. You have choices!
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