soberbrooke

My boys are blaming AA for my breakup with their dad, I just now found out. I am not sure what to do or say.

I explained to them that it is not AA's fault, and that I have tried to leave him several times in the past, and haven't been able to.
They love me and their father so much. This is going to be hard on them. I am so unsure of what to tell them.
Their father is a marijuana addict; since he was 17. I explained that when a person quits alcohol / drugs that if they don't get help from AA or a counselor, then they will have the same behaviors they did before, and I can no longer live that way.
I can not tell them that he still smokes, but he is telling them all kinds of lies about me. I am so confused......

hypochondriac

Sounds like a complicated situation Soberbrooke. How old are your boys? This sort of thing is not pleasant for anyone involved but all you can do is know that you are doing the right thing by yourself and your children. *hugs* x

tomsteve

i am sure your kids are hurt and looking for something/ someone to blame. i am personally greatful they are blaming AA and not themselves.
please pray to yer HP to show you what you need to know and for strength,courage, and wisdom to help them undersand.

soberbrooke

Thank you so much. Just got in from a meeting and talked about it. Feel a little better, not much, but a little. What I heard is that AA is part of the solution, not the problem. I am new at this sober stuff, and I have got to keep on my path.
I am trying, it's really hard sometimes though.
Especially with a family.............

Zencat

Going through a break-up is such an grave emotional strain on everybody involved. Its best to just concentrate on yourself and your kids emotional well being.

You might want to look the Friends and Family of Substance Abusers Forum - SoberRecovery . Read the Sticky's at the top of the forum. Detaching and boundary setting is a great skill set to learn and practice when going through a break-up with an addict/alcoholic husband (AH). It will get better when you learn how to make it better. Hang in there and keep posting.

onlythetruth

It is human nature to look for something to blame for painful occurrences that are beyond our control. Most of the time, kids will blame themselves, or one of the parents (just one, so that they still have one remaining "good" parent). The fact that your kids aren't blaming themselves or either one of you is, in a way, a good thing.

Anyway, having gone through a rough divorce myself, I can tell you that the best thing you can possibly do is to get yourself healthy and strong so that you can be the person you were meant to be, both as a person and a parent.

Anna

Hi,

I'm sorry for your situation. It's understandable that your children are angry and want to place the blame on someone or something. Have you considered counselling to help your children get through this?

MrsKing

I am just going to echo what everyone else has said. This is NOT, NOT, NOT your fault. Family break ups are hard for all involved and it is easier to place the blame on someone/something to direct all the hurt and anger towards. Your children will grow up to realise that this was something that you needed to do for yourself and for them, and I am sure over time they will come to realise that it was the best solution for all of you. Anna suggested counselling, which I think is a good idea. Going to a family therapy group with your children and talking things through with a counsellor could really help them come to terms with things. Sorry you are in such a difficult situation, I wish I could help more. Stay strong. xxxxx

onlythetruth

Yes, I want to echo what others have said about the counseling. I think that would be an excellent idea.

wow04

I think it is wonderful that they don't think it is their fault. I know counseling really helped my oldest boy during my divorce.

soberbrooke

Thank you all. I have talked with them about counseling and they don't want to go. However, I might make them. I just don't want to put my will into it, I would rather them want to go to counseling, if yall get my drift. I have done everything right so far, with this break-up, I am trying to stay within the Will of my Higher Power throughout this whole messy process, and it has been working somewhat.
I know that there is going to be a roller coaster of emotions about to hit me, I just don't want them to hit my children. Yesterday was a big wake-up call when my 13 year old told me that AA caused the break-up. I need to dig a little today and find out if dad said that or if they think that on their own. I am still so lost, but I thank everyone out there for all of your support. I am so grateful to have found this site.

SamanthaIam

Hi Brooke, I went through a divorce many years ago when my kids were the same ages as yours (+/-). The best advice anyone ever gave me was to never, ever bad mouth dad or complain about him to the kids. Ohhhh, it was tempting, because he was saying things about me, and at the time they kind of bought into it. As they got older, they understood the bigger picture and questioned his "version" of things.

I know how tough this is, but just be strong and true to what you know is right. The kids will get it and appreciate you more in time.

Dalek

Instead of telling your kids that you can't live with a pothead, you are telling them that you can't live with someone who doesn't get help from AA.

miamifella

Why can you not tell them that he still smokes pot? If it is true, why keep it a secret since it explains why you are doing what you are doing?

Leaving a recovering person because they won't join AA (which is what you are telling them you are doing if I understand correctly) makes no sense, since there are many ways to recover. But leaving someone because they will not enter recovery in any form...that is painful, but understandable.

Threshold

It is hard for many people, and especially children, who's sense of security depends on "family"..to accept that sometimes the marriage IS the problem, and breaking up can be part of the solution.

It can take a long time to integrate that. Until that happens it is very hard to not continually brainstorm ways in which the marriage might have been saved at ANY cost. like why don't YOU go to counseling to learn to live with your husband's issues.

I don't suggest that, but that is the sort of thinking that many people do. Save the marriage...damn the expense of human souls.

Two of my kids (young adults) stopped talking to me when they found out my husband and I were divorcing. One of them had been through a divorce HIMSELF!

I don't know what their father said about me, but I knew that I had to not say anything other than absolute facts. In time, if I did that, they would be able to see for themselves.

I'm not blameless, but simple humanity is easier to come to terms with than ugliness and lashing out.

I understand how much you are hurting right now. Please keep posting here for strength and support.

onlythetruth

Yes, very true, miamifella. Thanks for that.