MiniP12

So here's my story. I am 21, going to be 22 soon. I began drinking socially when I was 17...totally normal high school party stuff nothing crazy. About a year ago it started to get worse. I began not only drinking with friends or at parties but alone. I was getting really drunk and blacking out a lot. I saw it as a way to calm my nerves and numb some stress and pain. I didn't think it was that big of a deal....I still managed to get up in the morning, go to class (I'm in college), stick with my activities and maintain a 2.8 GPA. I thought it was okay.

I know my parents could tell something was up but I kept denying and lying to them about how things really were. And I hit rock bottom. I did things I never imagined I would do. I always thought of drunk drivers as horrible people (no offense to any on here...) then I became one.

On June 4 (21 days ago) I went to get take out for my dad and I. I stopped at the liquor store on the way home. I knew my dad would be pissed and freak out (as my parents had been doing a lot bc of my behavior) so i had to hide the drinking. I drank in the car in the parking lot....a 4 loko and 2 shots worth of vodka. I figured I had time to get home since I was only 5 minutes from my house before it really hit me. Well I was wrong. I lost control and hit a parked car. Thank God nobody was in it and I was okay. When the cops came they knew right away I was drunk from my breathe and slurring my words and eyes.

I wasn't taken into custody because they thought I should go to the hospital to get checked out. So instead I spent the night in the ER until I went home around midnight.

The past 3 weeks have been so emotional. The legal stuff is so crazy. Never in a million years did I think I'd every commit a crime. I feel blessed and lucky that nobody was hurt, I feel blessed to have the huge wake up call I need to get the help. I feel happy and energized. It's amazing how much you accomplish when you are sober. I feel angry I got caught. I feel scared. Pretty much every emotion.

I started going to AA right away and I'm going to be going to an outpatient rehab (before the court even mandates it) so I'm making progress. It's just hard. Each day is a struggle. I try to move on. I've had little to no cravings every day and I'm trying to prove I can go back to being myself. But I don't know how. My parents are worried, angry, burdened, ect. Everything is costing so much money and I can see it is getting to them. They are just so down and it kills me to see them so upset. I hate seeing my mom cry every night. Each day we have some kind of an argument or crying breakdown. It sucks. It's like I'm suddenly living in some kind of soap opera that I never imagined.

I was aways a good kid, never got into trouble, cared and loved others and now this. It's screwing up everything. My parents basiclly just dumped on me, I am not going back to college in the fall. They originally said theyd see how things go this summer and if I made progress they'd think about it. But then today they said Im not going back.

I'm scared because of that. I attend a really good college and I feel like I need a degree from somewhere good. As it is now I have a permanent record. I can't afford to have a record andget a community college degree in this economy.

I was so proud last night I prayed a lot and came up with this plan. I was going to go into the counseling center on campus every day and talk to them, get alcohol/breathalyzer tested once in a while and find new people to be friends with...get myself involved in charity stuff and the chapel activities (it's a Catholic College). It finally hit me that I needed to stop acting like a baby and man up to what I did, take responsibility and change for the better. But then they hit me on the head with that news so I don't know.

How am I supposed to move on and try to recover and lead a good life if I can't prove myself and take the steps I need to just have a good life? How am I ever going to work with children like I planned? Will anyone ever hire me? How can I go the next 60 years of my life with never having a sip of alcohol again? Not for my wedding toast....not if I ever have an opportunity to tour a vineyard...not socially...ect. It all just scares me and I don't know what to do. I really need advice.

Thanks to everyone on here. I read some posts before I just officially joined and I think this is going to help a lot. I appreciate it!

Kerri =)

SamanthaIam

Hi Kerri, glad you are here. You must be very scared... I'm sorry you're going through this.

There are quite a few others here on SR around your age, dealing with the fallout of drinking and wondering how to proceed. I hope you find some of their posts. This is a very good place to be... SR people are awesome.

I just want to offer my best wishes and prayers for you.

sober4myboys

Alcohol does NOT = a good life for an alcoholic, it creates destruction. Without it maybe you can have a wedding day, a good job and a family. With it, it can very well take all of that out of the equation.

I wish I would have stopped at 21, I am grateful for all that I have and glad that I have learned that alcohol is a poison to me and my life and I hope you can find the same. I am here for you, and not too much older, let me know if I may be able to help in some way.

serious

it sounds like you are doing all the right things.

what happened to you was very unfortunate... but most of us need the wake up call. you are young and if you stay sober, you will recover 100%. future definitely seems very scary right now, but don't think about it right now. focus on today.

a friend of mine had 2 dui's (nobody got hurt thankfully)... and he still drinks pretty heavily, because he is in complete denial, has a job and is surprisingly pretty healthy.

you are making very good decisions right now, stick with them. times are tough, but i sincerely hope that this is the hardest thing you'll have to go through in life. if you stay sober in a short while all of this will seem like a distant bad dream...
on the flip side, think about what will happen if you keep on doing this 10 years down the line? i can promise you one thing, if you keep drinking... it won't get better, it will get much, much worse.

Jimuk

Hi Kerri, welcome to SR. I sure you will find some answere's here but more importantly you sre amongst friends. You also have age on your side, good luck to you.

Anna

I'm glad the accident was a wake-up call for you.

If your parents are not supporting you to go back to college, are you able to get loans/and or work to help pay your way along? I hope you can work out something.

Rossy

Welcome Kerri I do hope SR can help.

Notmyrealname

If you're not going back to college this year then you probably should start looking for a job so you can pay your parents back for covering the costs of your DUI. You made a big mistake, now you have to deal with the fallout.

On the other hand, it's not the end of the world. Just try to make a positive out of it. Learn the lesson. Realize this is a wake-up call. Be glad you didn't kill somebody.

(I don't mean to come off all grim-like, sorry if that's how it comes across; I will add an emote to take off the edge a little)

:ghug3

That's better

pauladmits

I really shouldn't be giving advice out until I fix my own problems, but hang in there. Try not to look in to the future so much. Just focus on today and figure out what you can do today to get the future you want. It appears aside from staying sober college is your #1 priority. Can you get a job and take some classes at a community college that could rollover to your University when you can get back in?

Is there any deal you can strike with your parents? Maybe, sticking with AA, a certain GPA level, etc.

Just start mapping out your assault on life and start with day 1!

Anyways, best of luck!! The people around this forum are amazing to help you out in your journey.

oh2exhale

Hi Mini, weclome! First things first, just take care of today. Start working on recovery and as you get some time under your belt and show your parents that you can be trustworthy they will soften. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time! The only plans for college that have changed is the payment plan- figure out loan options and keep plugging away. Maybe take a semester off to regroup. Hang in there, it will get better so long as you don't drink

artsoul

Welcome Kerri!

I totally agree with the others about focusing on today. Thinking about trying to solve it all is just going to make you feel overwhelmed and want to drink. Be patient with yourself (and with your parents)..... recovery isn't just not drinking or drugging - it's about learning to be happy and healthy from the inside, which takes a little time.

I couldn't imagine the idea of never drinking again at first either - just thinking about it was scary. After a short time sober, though, I couldn't imagine going back to it. It's no fun living in that vicious cycle.

Glad you're here - things will work out!:ghug3

kandi89

Dear OP. I am 23 and have been sober for over a year now. I love that you put all of your fears and thoughts into this forum about your future. I have the same problem, a racing mind, that asks questions that I can't possibly find answers to. I get locked inside myself, my past my future I can't stay in today. That's only a small part of the problem, but I am a thinker. My solution used to be alcohol, to quiet my mind, my fears, my insecureties, my uncomfortability, whatever the problem was alcohol was my solution. But through AA I have been given a new solution, a program of action. I don't have to think about what I'm going to do next week, or next year, don't get me wrong having a plan is a good thing. Having goals is a good thing but make those goals and leave them in a higher powers hand. You'll be amazed at how many things just fall into place if you keep coming back. But KEEP COMING BACK, to this sight to AA meetings. Don't think about what to do about school or how you'll react to going to a vinyard or getting married. Right now get a sponsor, not on here, at a meeting you attend. Start reading the big book. You don't have to commit to a life of never drinking again, that isn't the point. Right now if you want to stay sober more than you want to be a drunk and screw everything up, then stay sober right now. Focus on the next right thing and do that at the very moment it is put in front of you. These aren't rules, these are suggestions. Why take them? Because I have something you don't have. I know how to stay sober and it's what countless others have done to stay sober. Hope this helps. -C

DisplacedGRITS

Three words that help me a lot. Don't borrow trouble. They go along with "one day at a time." You're plaguing yourself with a bunch of what if's and worrying about things in the future that, and be honest, are small potatoes. Does it really matter what you're toasting with on your wedding night? How about making sure you marry the right person. I welcome the new year with sparkling fruit juice. So far, the New Year Baby hasn't decended on me and smacked me over the head with a rattle for my social faux pas. You don't need to worry about spending the rest of your life without alcohol. You only need to worry about today. Personally, i don't give a damn whether i drink or not tomorrow. I'm sober today. I'm always sober today and that's what counts. Stop looking at all the opportunities you think you've lost and get down on you knees and cry for how grateful you are for the opportunities you still have! You are so young! You have time which is worth more than gold. You have a clarity about your situation at a young age that many people don't get until they are much much older and have squandered so many years on alcohol and drugs. You didn't assault anyone. You didn't kill anyone. You haven't burned any bridges. If employers didn't employ people with a DUI on their record, half my state would be jobless. You've bade some bad decisions and you're taking your medicine but you have the great opportunity to learn from those mistakes and come out a better person for them. Be gentle with yourself. Hug your mom, thank your dad and work on yourself for now. School will be there the semester after next or even the one after that. You. Have. Time. Get yourself in order and when you're ready you'll be able to tackle the rest of your life with a firm grip on sobriety. Work on today first. Tomorrow will wait.

jobei

I agree with many of the previous posts... you really need to worry about what you're doing -today- and not in the future. This is a hard concept no doubt... we're taught from a very young age to prepare ourselves for the future and to focus on it. What I missed in that lesson is that action today makes the future better... not stressing over it. It has taken me a solid 15 years of hard drinking and hurting people around me to finally figure this out. You do have a chance to avoid all that. So get in action and work on those positive things that you mentioned... everything will be ok!

MiniP12

Thank you ALL for you amazing responses. I never thought I'd have so many people respond and it means so much to me! Everything each of you said helped tons and I will certainly take all the advice to heart! Thanks everyone!

And an update...my parents went to an Al-anon meeting last night and came to the conclusion that it is up to ME to fix. If in August I feel ready to go back to college I can make the decision for myself. So I think getting healthy, happy and going back to college are my motivations to stay sober. Someone said in an AA meeting last night "the feeling of having your life be in order tastes so much better than a drink or the feeling of being drunk." I'm beginning to agree! =)

Thanks again :ghug3

2granddaughters

AA is doing the trick for me "One Day at a Time".

All the best.

Bob R

RevivingOphelia

I would find a therapist, who not only could help you deal with all this, but who could sit with you parents and, hopefully, explain the importance of your continued education at a good college.

Good luck and welcome.

DisplacedGRITS

Glad you're feeling more hopeful, Mini. Keep your eyes focused on the road ahead of you. Not only does it make the journey seem easier but it's when we cast our gaze too far ahead that we miss the snares and dangers that are waiting right before us waiting to stip us up.

sharp75

hello, i understand your feelings about drink driving. iv never broke the law with driving in the past as my dad was killed in a road accident by a careless driver so i despised anyone that broke the law of the roads, then one day i was sat home drinking and was running low so got in my car and went to the shop for more drink and i have done it a few times since and i feel disgusted in myself as i feel like im disrespecting my dad, so it shows how much drink can make people selfish and uncaring

Dee74

welcome to SR miniP12

D