Learn2Live

I know, I am always the one who says to lose the guilt but I just cannot shake it. I think it's because of all the other stuff I am going thru right now. But my BF, who now is my XBF, has relapsed and I feel like it is my fault. It was my selfish idea to drink alcohol while we were on vacation a few months ago. I thought it would help loosen us up and we could have some fun. What a stupid idea. For one, I am supposed to be abstinent because I am a binger. The drinking did nothing for me, didn't even loosen me up. Just made me tired and sick to my stomach. But I think it caused his relapse and now he is gone forever. I think I also pushed him to it because I was not happy how preoccupied he was with work and I was frustrated and was mean to him.

I just feel so horrible.

Impurrfect

(((L2L))) - His relapse belongs to him, not you. Let go of the guilt, sweetie. We aren't powerful enough to get someone clean, and we're not powerful to make anyone relapse if they don't want to.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

lillamy

How old is he? Unless you're a crib robber, he's an adult capable of making his own decisions. That's why As don't talk about "having" a relapse but about "taking" one... it's not something that happens while they sit there half-heartedly waving off the attack saying "oh, no, you dirty rotten woman, please don't."

Making the choice to drink when you're a recovering alcoholic is MAKING A CHOICE.

Unless you've got some kind of secret mind-control thing going on, you did not make that choice for him. And you know that. You're just not that powerful.

laurie6781

If you tied him in the chair, held his mouth open and poured the booze down his throat yea then be responsible but we both know you didn't do that.

I was a mean nasty vindictive drunk from the age of 12 to 36, and drank most men under the table. When I knew I was dying, and I knew if I tried to stop I would still die, I wanted to die sober, and within 24 hours of my stopping my heart stopped 11 times and the last time I was down too long in the ER DR's opinion and he was writing the TOD on my chart when my heart started on its own after 28 minutes.

I have not relapsed since then and that is over 31 years ago. NO ONE could or can make me drink. Just as NO ONE could get me to stop.

You will remove that mantle of guilt when you are ready. We are here to tell you, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Love and hugs,

wicked

You just cannot do it. You cannot make someone drink anymore than you can make them stop. Impossible.
You feel like it is your fault, well feelings aren't facts.
Oh yes, stupid idea, two problem drinkers taking a drink, but you know that.
You are not the cause of his relapse, whose choice has it been to continue to drink when there were many other paths to follow?
You were frustrated and mean to him then you pushed him to drink?
I think it much more likely that in was at the forefront of his mind already.
(that hamster wheel of addiction was churning already when you said something about loosening up, it doesn't sound like he put up a fight)

:ghug3

Chris1000101

Learn2Live, It is not your fault. You did not make him drink. He knew he wanted to drink before he even picked it up. If I had any money I would bet that he did not follow any of the suggestions made to him by AA prior to drinking. 1. Call sponsor. 2. Call others of the same gender in the fellowship. 3. Call local AA office for nearest meeting. Even when on vacations cruise ships have meetings, there is no excuse.

It is not your fault. You did not make him drink.

FireSprite

It simply CAN'T be your fault; you are NOT in control of him or his decisions. His success or failure at sobriety is his own, it can not & does not depend on you.

(((((HUGS)))))

Learn2Live

Some things are starting to clear. I still feel guilty about the drinking but I realize now that this relapse was going to happen sooner or later, no matter what I did or did not do.

Freedom1990

For me, as an RA, if the thought were to pop into my head that a bit of drinking on vacation would be nice, the alcoholic is already driving the bus to insanity in my head.

I used relationships for a long time to distract from some very deep unresolved issues. I drank/used again after 4 years in the program, and it was not worth it.

I must take care of myself first and foremost, else I am doomed. Perhaps revisiting whether you are an A or not would be a good start?

Sending you hugs of support.

Learn2Live

Sometimes, Anvil, I have to wonder how you get in my head. Thanks so much for those questions. Yes, I was using alcohol to relieve my own stress. I was using alcohol to try to solve a problem in the relationship. Even knowing that alcohol can solve NOTHING. Stupid, stupid, stupid. And yes, I had been abandoning my self and my own self-care in order to support someone else, for years. I had and have no doubt he's not a normie. He has a long history of drug and alcohol abuse, which I have to confess, I kept secret from everyone here on SR when we first started seeing eachother. But nothing anyone could have said would have stopped me from THAT major relapse. It had to happen. HP had some lesson for me to learn still. Haven't figured out what that lesson is yet though but I'm working on it.

And yes, Devon, the alcoholic was driving my bus. I have relapsed and then quit again so many times I've lost count. And it's always when I am in a relationship. I had completely abandoned all the ways in which I take care of myself, in order to support my BF.

Learn2Live

Oh. My. God.

wicked

Yes, anvilhead. I can see this happening to me. Give up on myself, abandon myself and say, "I give."

Learn2Live

I just got off the phone with my brother and cannot believe what he said right before we hung up. "Don't abandon yourself," which is the exact same thing Anvil pointed out to me at the end of her post. Guess my work tonight will be to make a list of all the ways I abandoned myself.