Kicking him out inc his 6 yo daughter. hELP!
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Join Date: May 2012
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Kicking him out inc his 6 yo daughter. hELP!
I posted a few weeks ago that the ABF s "almost an ex". I broke up with him before a business trip and when I got back, he swore he would work on the drinking, but still planned to "moderate". Well, of course it only took a week for a slip-up. I had to go out of town for the night, and he was at his AF's for Fathers Day. He admitted to a few drinks on our phone call, but when I talked to him several ours later, he was a complete jerk to me. When I got back the next night, I told him that he needed to send his daughter to her mom's (we have her 5 days a week), and find somewhere to stay while he found a place to live. Not only did he go stay in a hotel, but he took my birthday money to pay for it.
On Wednesday, he called me claiming that he was going to hurt himself. I took him seriously enough that I called 911 and left work to meet them at the house. By the time I got home, he had left, and I looked like a fool to the police. I changed the locks on the house because every night I would get home and he would be there, but my guilt over basically kicking out his daughter is killing me!! I don't want hm to lose custody over this. Believe it or to, mom's even worse.
He really broke down this morning and said he would fight for me no matter what. He has a chem dependency counselor appt on Tuesday. He refuses to go to AA because he had to go in the past for a DUI and said it depresses him even more. I'm so confused. I'm a really smart, successful career woman. Why can't I just walk away from this?? I've prayed every day about it, but at first i thought God was giving me strength to move on. Now I'm questioning if God wants me to support him. Or is that the codependency??
On Wednesday, he called me claiming that he was going to hurt himself. I took him seriously enough that I called 911 and left work to meet them at the house. By the time I got home, he had left, and I looked like a fool to the police. I changed the locks on the house because every night I would get home and he would be there, but my guilt over basically kicking out his daughter is killing me!! I don't want hm to lose custody over this. Believe it or to, mom's even worse.
He really broke down this morning and said he would fight for me no matter what. He has a chem dependency counselor appt on Tuesday. He refuses to go to AA because he had to go in the past for a DUI and said it depresses him even more. I'm so confused. I'm a really smart, successful career woman. Why can't I just walk away from this?? I've prayed every day about it, but at first i thought God was giving me strength to move on. Now I'm questioning if God wants me to support him. Or is that the codependency??
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It's sooooo hard when there are innocent children involved. I don't know the answer, but I do know that you cannot live his life for him. You cannot control his drinking and you cannot control his recovery, if he even has one.
He refuses to go to AA because it depresses him. Well, I'm sorry, but AA is not the meetings, it is the steps. The steps are not depressing, they are the key to a new life. If he refuses anything in the way of recovery, he hasn't yet reached his bottom.
His daughter is not your responsibility, as much as it makes you feel badly for her when her father does stupid crap that endangers her well-being. Maybe she should be living with relatives who can give her the kind of life she deserves. Like I said, I don't know the answer, but if you can't live with his drinking, then he needs to go.
He refuses to go to AA because it depresses him. Well, I'm sorry, but AA is not the meetings, it is the steps. The steps are not depressing, they are the key to a new life. If he refuses anything in the way of recovery, he hasn't yet reached his bottom.
His daughter is not your responsibility, as much as it makes you feel badly for her when her father does stupid crap that endangers her well-being. Maybe she should be living with relatives who can give her the kind of life she deserves. Like I said, I don't know the answer, but if you can't live with his drinking, then he needs to go.
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Can you say QUACKING????
He is using AGAIN, not showing actions. Say you are happy he is going to do something about HIS problem, and you'll be happy to talk again when his actions match his words, and then say good bye.
It will take a minimum of 6 months and more likely a year to see some believable improvements. Please do not let him back before.
As to him 'losing' his daughter, that is NOT your fault. everything that is happening to him are the consequences of his actions and the lack of his actions when they were needed. His problem, his consequences.
You let him back in and he will know without a doubt he can manipulate you ALL the time.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
He is using AGAIN, not showing actions. Say you are happy he is going to do something about HIS problem, and you'll be happy to talk again when his actions match his words, and then say good bye.
It will take a minimum of 6 months and more likely a year to see some believable improvements. Please do not let him back before.
As to him 'losing' his daughter, that is NOT your fault. everything that is happening to him are the consequences of his actions and the lack of his actions when they were needed. His problem, his consequences.
You let him back in and he will know without a doubt he can manipulate you ALL the time.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
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Join Date: May 2012
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Anvil, I'm not blaming God for anything. I've been praying every day, and just have yet to see what His plan is. I thought He was giving me strength and resolve, but then when I talked to ABF this morning, I had an overwhelming sense of needing to help. But that was more likely just his ability to persuade me.
Laurie, I hear you on that-I told him that the anger and resentment has been building for 6 months and would likely take just as long to go away!! But he says I can't "see" those actions unless I'm around him. He's just scared. He has no money, no car, no place to go. I'm trying really hard to convince myself that none of that is my concern. He's the one that drove me away with his addiction.
Laurie, I hear you on that-I told him that the anger and resentment has been building for 6 months and would likely take just as long to go away!! But he says I can't "see" those actions unless I'm around him. He's just scared. He has no money, no car, no place to go. I'm trying really hard to convince myself that none of that is my concern. He's the one that drove me away with his addiction.
To thine own self be true.
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Bluebonnet, yes, that sounds like codependency and caretaking. I understand completely about being a successful woman and having this type of thing in your life. Do you have a super sense of responsibility toward others? I know I do. My AXB also has two children and I felt responsible for them too. They also have an addicted and alcoholic mother. I watched in horror the results of these children not being parented. I know very well the results of non-parenting and it worried me that I would be with their father when the kids became teenagers. I don't want to live with the fall-out.
As cruel and heartless as this sounds, that child and her upbringing are not your responsibility. You are not her parent. I know all too well how heart-wrenching and difficult it is to have to let children go. But I had to get to the point with my brother's kids where I realized I am not their parent and I could not take care of my own responsibilities AND deal with their insane addict and alcoholic parents!
Cry the tears you have to cry and then let her go. Place her in God's hands and then turn around and start working on your side of the street. (((hugs)))
As cruel and heartless as this sounds, that child and her upbringing are not your responsibility. You are not her parent. I know all too well how heart-wrenching and difficult it is to have to let children go. But I had to get to the point with my brother's kids where I realized I am not their parent and I could not take care of my own responsibilities AND deal with their insane addict and alcoholic parents!
Cry the tears you have to cry and then let her go. Place her in God's hands and then turn around and start working on your side of the street. (((hugs)))
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Join Date: Mar 2011
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I so relate to your post. When I left, ex's son was 9. I had spent 2 years coparenting (actually parenting since I did it mostly on my own) with Ex. I have a daughter who was 10 who considered B. to be her brother. We had him most of the time as his mother worked funky shifts. She was the queen enabler. Even when I stayed in hotels during binges, I took B. with me. If I left for the weeknd, I took him with me.
I think one reason I stayed as long as I did was because of the guilt of leaving him behind. I knew that when I was there, he had someone to help with homework, he had dinner at the table, playdates, swam at the YMCA, went to church, and if his dad was drinking, he had someone who would get him out of there.
It was heart wrenching, but I put it in God's hands. I have seen him a few times since I left, and I send cards and packages. At the beginning of school last year I got on the school website, downloaded his supply list and went to staples to buy those things. I sent them in a flat rate box.
His father has since left the town where he lived, and things are getting more stable with his own mother. She is getting married.
(((hugs))) to you. Keep posting here and take care of yourself. IT does get better.
I think one reason I stayed as long as I did was because of the guilt of leaving him behind. I knew that when I was there, he had someone to help with homework, he had dinner at the table, playdates, swam at the YMCA, went to church, and if his dad was drinking, he had someone who would get him out of there.
It was heart wrenching, but I put it in God's hands. I have seen him a few times since I left, and I send cards and packages. At the beginning of school last year I got on the school website, downloaded his supply list and went to staples to buy those things. I sent them in a flat rate box.
His father has since left the town where he lived, and things are getting more stable with his own mother. She is getting married.
(((hugs))) to you. Keep posting here and take care of yourself. IT does get better.
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Well I am having an agree with Anvil day today.
How much of a mess is the child's mother? Too much to sit down and talk about where you are?
And no worries on the career woman thing...I thought that too. And to add to my arrogance at the time, I have a handful of degrees that I thought would protect me from making stupid judgement calls. But alas, I am human like everyone else. I make mistakes. I do the best I can. I am not the first nor will I be the last to be caught up in alcoholism and addictions. I am ok with it now...that feeling will pass.
How much of a mess is the child's mother? Too much to sit down and talk about where you are?
And no worries on the career woman thing...I thought that too. And to add to my arrogance at the time, I have a handful of degrees that I thought would protect me from making stupid judgement calls. But alas, I am human like everyone else. I make mistakes. I do the best I can. I am not the first nor will I be the last to be caught up in alcoholism and addictions. I am ok with it now...that feeling will pass.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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For a great perspective on how God thinks we should deal with rebellious and sinful behavior of our A's google Redemptive Divorce. Great stuff that makes a lot of sense for those looking to Heaven for direction and for folks just looking for answers.
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How much of a mess is the child's mother?
If neither of the parents is a suitable parent for a six-year-old, you can call child protective services and tell them that. Tell them that you worry about her.
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I've had to pick up the pieces on more than one occasion when Mom decided to pick up an extra shift at the bar. She 's also pregnant with unplanned baby #2 from a fairly recent bf. she has plenty of extended family to care for her, so I don't think child services is necessary. I think I just have to take the advice of those who remind me that it's not my responsibility. I did take on a certain level of it when I entered this relationship, but her parents should be doing a better job of being role models.
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You can should all day...
...but you already know what you have to do here. The question is, can you do it. Even more so, what is it about you that opted into this drama-filled life of his in the first place.
Consider taking all the energy and money you are investing in him and invest it in yourself. Find out who you are and why you would pick a man like this. Alanon and counseling for codependency can help you. Do you have the resolve and a mind open enough to do it? If not, don't worry, you can justl stay in this situation until it breaks you body, mind, spirit, and financially-- not necessarily in that order.
From somebody who's been there,
Cyranoak
Consider taking all the energy and money you are investing in him and invest it in yourself. Find out who you are and why you would pick a man like this. Alanon and counseling for codependency can help you. Do you have the resolve and a mind open enough to do it? If not, don't worry, you can justl stay in this situation until it breaks you body, mind, spirit, and financially-- not necessarily in that order.
From somebody who's been there,
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by Bluebonnet1 
I've had to pick up the pieces on more than one occasion when Mom decided to pick up an extra shift at the bar. She 's also pregnant with unplanned baby #2 from a fairly recent bf. she has plenty of extended family to care for her, so I don't think child services is necessary. I think I just have to take the advice of those who remind me that it's not my responsibility. I did take on a certain level of it when I entered this relationship, but her parents should be doing a better job of being role models.
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