Living in the past....and how to let it go
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Living in the past....and how to let it go
I've always had trouble letting go of the past and the things that have happened to me.
I'm one to talk about the past, especially the things that happened in my past relationships and I seem to identify and base who I am only on what was in my past.
My friends and family mention to me often that I live in the past.
It's seems an impossible task for me to shake it. I do understand this is really common for someone with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder to experience this, but I want to shake it already
Anyone else experience this? If so, have you let it go?
(please keep in mind this site is a safe place to share like in any al anon meetings, so NO judgement or mean comments please. When people post here, they are open sores and do not need to be "scolded" ...thx)
I'm one to talk about the past, especially the things that happened in my past relationships and I seem to identify and base who I am only on what was in my past.
My friends and family mention to me often that I live in the past.
It's seems an impossible task for me to shake it. I do understand this is really common for someone with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder to experience this, but I want to shake it already
Anyone else experience this? If so, have you let it go?
(please keep in mind this site is a safe place to share like in any al anon meetings, so NO judgement or mean comments please. When people post here, they are open sores and do not need to be "scolded" ...thx)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
I had an extremely traumatic alcohol soaked childhood and the only events I can even recall are the horrific ones... my psyche blocked much of the daily insanities. My brother has incredible recall and has shared stories with me that some I remember and some I don't.
I coped with my ACOA after marrying my first addict by getting into counseling and getting my children into counseling and reading a lot about addiction and codependency.
That was very helpful for me as I had a safe place to work through those issues. I didn't talk to much to others about those years as they simply could not even begin to understand and there wouldn't be much purpose since it really wouldn't benefit them or me in any way. When I would come into contact with woman who were in dysfunctional relationships with alcoholic or abusive men I would talk to them about positive ways they could deal with their life problems.
When we talk about our unique experiences and traumas with people that cannot possibly relate it is like going to the hardware store for bread. Our friends cannot offer any of their own experiences and they do not know addiction, abuse and have not sought out experts, books, groups to find answers to problems they don't have.
I have a lot of different types of friends with diverse backgrounds... some are very close and I have shared deep personal information with them through the years as they have with me. Other people I know have no idea about my past and probably never will.
Are you in counseling with someone well versed in this stuff? That is the lifesaving thing for most...the right counselor. When we can talk about that stuff and get GREAT feedback it is so healing. Healing from the past is a process... the onion peeling backwards.
I have thought many times that I was fully healed from my past and then something would happen in my life that revealed that I was not. I would go back to counseling and deal with it.
I think there were times in my life when I would pick at the scab of my past... not work through my pain in a healthy way and this fed my workaholism and avoiding things. Perhaps for others it manifests in talking about our past with people that cannot understand, empathize or help us.
Today...30 years later my scabs are pretty healed over with just a hint of a scar. I am very happy and not in a toxic relationship with an A (my weakness). I am very social and meet many men and my radar for toxic is working really well... sometimes it is gut instinct when I see them and later I ask about them and BINGO! I was on it without even knowing the facts!
Progress! Well... that is my E,S and H. The couch. It is a great thing. And when they are paid to listen they simply don't complain!!!!
I coped with my ACOA after marrying my first addict by getting into counseling and getting my children into counseling and reading a lot about addiction and codependency.
That was very helpful for me as I had a safe place to work through those issues. I didn't talk to much to others about those years as they simply could not even begin to understand and there wouldn't be much purpose since it really wouldn't benefit them or me in any way. When I would come into contact with woman who were in dysfunctional relationships with alcoholic or abusive men I would talk to them about positive ways they could deal with their life problems.
When we talk about our unique experiences and traumas with people that cannot possibly relate it is like going to the hardware store for bread. Our friends cannot offer any of their own experiences and they do not know addiction, abuse and have not sought out experts, books, groups to find answers to problems they don't have.
I have a lot of different types of friends with diverse backgrounds... some are very close and I have shared deep personal information with them through the years as they have with me. Other people I know have no idea about my past and probably never will.
Are you in counseling with someone well versed in this stuff? That is the lifesaving thing for most...the right counselor. When we can talk about that stuff and get GREAT feedback it is so healing. Healing from the past is a process... the onion peeling backwards.
I have thought many times that I was fully healed from my past and then something would happen in my life that revealed that I was not. I would go back to counseling and deal with it.
I think there were times in my life when I would pick at the scab of my past... not work through my pain in a healthy way and this fed my workaholism and avoiding things. Perhaps for others it manifests in talking about our past with people that cannot understand, empathize or help us.
Today...30 years later my scabs are pretty healed over with just a hint of a scar. I am very happy and not in a toxic relationship with an A (my weakness). I am very social and meet many men and my radar for toxic is working really well... sometimes it is gut instinct when I see them and later I ask about them and BINGO! I was on it without even knowing the facts!
Progress! Well... that is my E,S and H. The couch. It is a great thing. And when they are paid to listen they simply don't complain!!!!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
(((Peach))) I also have a history of living in the past. I grew up in an alcoholic home and many things happened to me that should not have. Abuse and neglect, you get the picture. PTSD is also an issue for me.
I have mostly stopped living in the past. I have been able to let all of that go. After all, it was decades ago and I choose not to be defined or controlled by those experiences. There is nothing I can do about them now. Letting go is a process, not something you can just do or achieve. I learned the process by going to Al-Anon, going to therapy, being properly medicated for my emotional issues, working on myself, and investing in my self. It is a lot of work but I want a better life; I want to be healthy and have healthy thoughts.
Re-hashing the past has never helped me. It has been working a program, working many programs in fact, that have gotten me to a place where I can accept that those people who harmed me knew no better. I accepted that my parents did the best they could possibly do with what they had to work with. I began to see my parents as human beings, with their own struggles and flaws and shortcomings, separate from me and no longer "my parents." I stopped longing for the childhood I wished I had had that "would have fixed me." I stopped blaming my A dad for all the mistakes he made and all the things that were wrong. I began to acknowledge alcoholism as a disease.
Some people call that "forgiveness." I just call it Acceptance because I don't really understand forgiveness. To me, it is not up to me to forgive, it is up to that person's Higher Power to forgive them whatever they might have done or not done.
I also have historically seen myself as a victim. What I did was changed my mind about this. I came to accept that $hitty things happen in this world, and that people do really $hitty things to one another. I was not deserving of what was done to me, and neither is anyone else. It helps for me to see that some people are just sick and that causes them to do bad things. I refuse to see myself as a victim anymore (though I do still revert back to that sometimes). I learned some years ago that I can choose my thoughts and that will often change the way I feel. I want to feel better, I want to feel good, so I work on changing my thoughts when they come up and they make me feel bad.
I also choose to keep turning my head so that I am looking forward. There is a verse in the Bible that helped me do this. Please note, I am not trying to push religion on you or anyone else. I take wisdom from many sources, including the Bible. I do this because it helps me. I share these things in the hopes that someone might also benefit from them. I don't know the verse exactly but basically it says to keep your head so that you are facing forward. Don't look back, don't look left or right, up or down. For me, it is a reminder that everytime I start dwelling on the past, or questioning my own self and the decisions I have made for myself, I need to turn my head back so that I continue to look forward to today and all the good things that life has in store.
I hope something I have shared here is helpful to you. Be kind to yourself. Take good care of yourself.
I have mostly stopped living in the past. I have been able to let all of that go. After all, it was decades ago and I choose not to be defined or controlled by those experiences. There is nothing I can do about them now. Letting go is a process, not something you can just do or achieve. I learned the process by going to Al-Anon, going to therapy, being properly medicated for my emotional issues, working on myself, and investing in my self. It is a lot of work but I want a better life; I want to be healthy and have healthy thoughts.
Re-hashing the past has never helped me. It has been working a program, working many programs in fact, that have gotten me to a place where I can accept that those people who harmed me knew no better. I accepted that my parents did the best they could possibly do with what they had to work with. I began to see my parents as human beings, with their own struggles and flaws and shortcomings, separate from me and no longer "my parents." I stopped longing for the childhood I wished I had had that "would have fixed me." I stopped blaming my A dad for all the mistakes he made and all the things that were wrong. I began to acknowledge alcoholism as a disease.
Some people call that "forgiveness." I just call it Acceptance because I don't really understand forgiveness. To me, it is not up to me to forgive, it is up to that person's Higher Power to forgive them whatever they might have done or not done.
I also have historically seen myself as a victim. What I did was changed my mind about this. I came to accept that $hitty things happen in this world, and that people do really $hitty things to one another. I was not deserving of what was done to me, and neither is anyone else. It helps for me to see that some people are just sick and that causes them to do bad things. I refuse to see myself as a victim anymore (though I do still revert back to that sometimes). I learned some years ago that I can choose my thoughts and that will often change the way I feel. I want to feel better, I want to feel good, so I work on changing my thoughts when they come up and they make me feel bad.
I also choose to keep turning my head so that I am looking forward. There is a verse in the Bible that helped me do this. Please note, I am not trying to push religion on you or anyone else. I take wisdom from many sources, including the Bible. I do this because it helps me. I share these things in the hopes that someone might also benefit from them. I don't know the verse exactly but basically it says to keep your head so that you are facing forward. Don't look back, don't look left or right, up or down. For me, it is a reminder that everytime I start dwelling on the past, or questioning my own self and the decisions I have made for myself, I need to turn my head back so that I continue to look forward to today and all the good things that life has in store.
I hope something I have shared here is helpful to you. Be kind to yourself. Take good care of yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
thanks for this great input.
I've been in Al Anon for 3 yrs and on and off in therapy for 10 yrs. The last time I was in therapy was 18 months ago (was with her for 6 months) and she specialized in PTSD. She was great, but my insurance ran out and I could not see her anymore.
I was in therapy 3 different times while being with my ex addict. Each time I was there for 6 months,
I'm returning to therapy next week with a new therapist who does Mindful meditations, so I'm hoping this helps me break my negative thoughts.
I meditation on my own, I'm a Naturopath and heal people every day and read a lot of spiritual books, but for some reason, I just cannot let go of the past.
I saw my ex a few weeks ago (who I was with for 11 yrs) for the first time in 10 yrs. He was just there, on the street, we looked at each other and waved and I had a total flash back of the horrible thing he did to me to end the relationship.
Just seeing him triggered me to my past and I was LIVID I allowed that to happen,
I figured if I was happy in my own life, seeing him would not have phased me....who knows
I've been in Al Anon for 3 yrs and on and off in therapy for 10 yrs. The last time I was in therapy was 18 months ago (was with her for 6 months) and she specialized in PTSD. She was great, but my insurance ran out and I could not see her anymore.
I was in therapy 3 different times while being with my ex addict. Each time I was there for 6 months,
I'm returning to therapy next week with a new therapist who does Mindful meditations, so I'm hoping this helps me break my negative thoughts.
I meditation on my own, I'm a Naturopath and heal people every day and read a lot of spiritual books, but for some reason, I just cannot let go of the past.
I saw my ex a few weeks ago (who I was with for 11 yrs) for the first time in 10 yrs. He was just there, on the street, we looked at each other and waved and I had a total flash back of the horrible thing he did to me to end the relationship.
Just seeing him triggered me to my past and I was LIVID I allowed that to happen,
I figured if I was happy in my own life, seeing him would not have phased me....who knows
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by Learn2Live 
(((Peach))) I also have a history of living in the past. I grew up in an alcoholic home and many things happened to me that should not have. Abuse and neglect, you get the picture. PTSD is also an issue for me.
I have mostly stopped living in the past. I have been able to let all of that go. After all, it was decades ago and I choose not to be defined or controlled by those experiences. There is nothing I can do about them now. Letting go is a process, not something you can just do or achieve. I learned the process by going to Al-Anon, going to therapy, being properly medicated for my emotional issues, working on myself, and investing in my self. It is a lot of work but I want a better life; I want to be healthy and have healthy thoughts.
Re-hashing the past has never helped me. It has been working a program, working many programs in fact, that have gotten me to a place where I can accept that those people who harmed me knew no better. I accepted that my parents did the best they could possibly do with what they had to work with. I began to see my parents as human beings, with their own struggles and flaws and shortcomings, separate from me and no longer "my parents." I stopped longing for the childhood I wished I had had that "would have fixed me." I stopped blaming my A dad for all the mistakes he made and all the things that were wrong. I began to acknowledge alcoholism as a disease.
Some people call that "forgiveness." I just call it Acceptance because I don't really understand forgiveness. To me, it is not up to me to forgive, it is up to that person's Higher Power to forgive them whatever they might have done or not done.
I also have historically seen myself as a victim. What I did was changed my mind about this. I came to accept that $hitty things happen in this world, and that people do really $hitty things to one another. I was not deserving of what was done to me, and neither is anyone else. It helps for me to see that some people are just sick and that causes them to do bad things. I refuse to see myself as a victim anymore (though I do still revert back to that sometimes). I learned some years ago that I can choose my thoughts and that will often change the way I feel. I want to feel better, I want to feel good, so I work on changing my thoughts when they come up and they make me feel bad.
I also choose to keep turning my head so that I am looking forward. There is a verse in the Bible that helped me do this. Please note, I am not trying to push religion on you or anyone else. I take wisdom from many sources, including the Bible. I do this because it helps me. I share these things in the hopes that someone might also benefit from them. I don't know the verse exactly but basically it says to keep your head so that you are facing forward. Don't look back, don't look left or right, up or down. For me, it is a reminder that everytime I start dwelling on the past, or questioning my own self and the decisions I have made for myself, I need to turn my head back so that I continue to look forward to today and all the good things that life has in store.
I hope something I have shared here is helpful to you. Be kind to yourself. Take good care of yourself.
I have mostly stopped living in the past. I have been able to let all of that go. After all, it was decades ago and I choose not to be defined or controlled by those experiences. There is nothing I can do about them now. Letting go is a process, not something you can just do or achieve. I learned the process by going to Al-Anon, going to therapy, being properly medicated for my emotional issues, working on myself, and investing in my self. It is a lot of work but I want a better life; I want to be healthy and have healthy thoughts.
Re-hashing the past has never helped me. It has been working a program, working many programs in fact, that have gotten me to a place where I can accept that those people who harmed me knew no better. I accepted that my parents did the best they could possibly do with what they had to work with. I began to see my parents as human beings, with their own struggles and flaws and shortcomings, separate from me and no longer "my parents." I stopped longing for the childhood I wished I had had that "would have fixed me." I stopped blaming my A dad for all the mistakes he made and all the things that were wrong. I began to acknowledge alcoholism as a disease.
Some people call that "forgiveness." I just call it Acceptance because I don't really understand forgiveness. To me, it is not up to me to forgive, it is up to that person's Higher Power to forgive them whatever they might have done or not done.
I also have historically seen myself as a victim. What I did was changed my mind about this. I came to accept that $hitty things happen in this world, and that people do really $hitty things to one another. I was not deserving of what was done to me, and neither is anyone else. It helps for me to see that some people are just sick and that causes them to do bad things. I refuse to see myself as a victim anymore (though I do still revert back to that sometimes). I learned some years ago that I can choose my thoughts and that will often change the way I feel. I want to feel better, I want to feel good, so I work on changing my thoughts when they come up and they make me feel bad.
I also choose to keep turning my head so that I am looking forward. There is a verse in the Bible that helped me do this. Please note, I am not trying to push religion on you or anyone else. I take wisdom from many sources, including the Bible. I do this because it helps me. I share these things in the hopes that someone might also benefit from them. I don't know the verse exactly but basically it says to keep your head so that you are facing forward. Don't look back, don't look left or right, up or down. For me, it is a reminder that everytime I start dwelling on the past, or questioning my own self and the decisions I have made for myself, I need to turn my head back so that I continue to look forward to today and all the good things that life has in store.
I hope something I have shared here is helpful to you. Be kind to yourself. Take good care of yourself.
My living in the past is so new to me. I grew up in a "normal" and functional home. My parents are still happily married 56 yrs now.
I grew up with anger and depression, but never abuse or a lack of love.
For me, this all started in 2000 with the PTSD. It's like trauma alters the brain so much, It's weird.
But yes, acceptance is KEY and I've even forgiven. I think for me, staying in the past is almost like I want to stay there because I fear my future.
It's like staying in a bad relationship because it's comfy. My past seems "comfy" and my future unknown and scary
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I have taken some great mindful meditation groups, but do a type of therapy called Hakomi which is a mindfullness with support is how I like to call view it.
I actually allows me to go back to the old stuff (which includes PTSD related items) and work them again.
When we have PTSD we have a memory, without a time stamp attached to it (stress causes our brain to not create that time stamp). As a result any time that a memory feels similar in any way to the starting incident we get retriggered. Hakomi has helped me rework those memories and create a framework for them.
I realized it was working when I stopped being obsessive about the past. I still have big pieces to work on, but a lot of them don't impact me significantly.
I actually allows me to go back to the old stuff (which includes PTSD related items) and work them again.
When we have PTSD we have a memory, without a time stamp attached to it (stress causes our brain to not create that time stamp). As a result any time that a memory feels similar in any way to the starting incident we get retriggered. Hakomi has helped me rework those memories and create a framework for them.
I realized it was working when I stopped being obsessive about the past. I still have big pieces to work on, but a lot of them don't impact me significantly.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Life: thank you for that. I look forward to starting with this new therapist.
She also gives the courses for certification and if I see it works for me, I will take the courses and get certified in it to offer this to my clients.
Interesting comment about the time stamp and our brains not knowing when it was.
Triggers for me as so strong.
She also gives the courses for certification and if I see it works for me, I will take the courses and get certified in it to offer this to my clients.
Interesting comment about the time stamp and our brains not knowing when it was.
Triggers for me as so strong.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
For me, this all started in 2000 with the PTSD. It's like trauma alters the brain so much, It's weird.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by sugarbear1
Have you worked the 12 steps of Al Anon into your life? They may help you.
Hugs,
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Miles from Nowhere
Posts: 396
My family of origin always accused me of dwelling on the past, never letting it go.
The reality was that I was bringing up things they didn't want to hear about--breaking the
infamous "no talk" rule of alcoholic families.
When I got into Adult Children of Alcoholics, Al Anon, therapy with a therapist who KNEW about alcoholic families, and knew that mine was a normal response to an abnormal situation, I could safely talk about these things.
Sounds like your family is still enforcing the no talk rule and in a lot of denial. I suggest you seek out Al Anon groups in your area.
The reality was that I was bringing up things they didn't want to hear about--breaking the
infamous "no talk" rule of alcoholic families.
When I got into Adult Children of Alcoholics, Al Anon, therapy with a therapist who KNEW about alcoholic families, and knew that mine was a normal response to an abnormal situation, I could safely talk about these things.
Sounds like your family is still enforcing the no talk rule and in a lot of denial. I suggest you seek out Al Anon groups in your area.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
Yes. I understand completely. I am still reacting to something that happened to me in 1997. It changed my brain. So now, I feel like when I see someone I am in a relationship acting a certain way, I become paranoid and scared. I react extremely angry and it is horrible. I wasn't like this before the event in 97.
My friends who've known me for 30 see how different I am.
Last night, I saw a friend who I've known for 35 yrs. She hasn't seen me in a while and she commented on how different I am in that I seem not so on top of it.
When the event that causes me the trauma happened, I felt my entire being change, but I had to go into survival mode and just became a robot.
I went from a good girl to someone who started to drink on weekends, sleep around, drink and drive, went to the gym daily etc
All things I NEVER EVER did before the trauma.
Of course, I do not do those things anymore (cept the gym part), but I just went off course from all this. Like I lost control of me and my soul
Not in a victim way (never felt like a victim) but in a way that I just had to tune out to survive.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by kudzujean
My family of origin always accused me of dwelling on the past, never letting it go.
The reality was that I was bringing up things they didn't want to hear about--breaking the
infamous "no talk" rule of alcoholic families.
When I got into Adult Children of Alcoholics, Al Anon, therapy with a therapist who KNEW about alcoholic families, and knew that mine was a normal response to an abnormal situation, I could safely talk about these things.
Sounds like your family is still enforcing the no talk rule and in a lot of denial. I suggest you seek out Al Anon groups in your area.
The reality was that I was bringing up things they didn't want to hear about--breaking the
infamous "no talk" rule of alcoholic families.
When I got into Adult Children of Alcoholics, Al Anon, therapy with a therapist who KNEW about alcoholic families, and knew that mine was a normal response to an abnormal situation, I could safely talk about these things.
Sounds like your family is still enforcing the no talk rule and in a lot of denial. I suggest you seek out Al Anon groups in your area.
I said above I have a great family and I've been in Al Anon for 3 yrs.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
This article has helped me to identify when I am pulling out a memory from my past and reacting. It takes time but I am learning to put a new identity on some old memories. Humor is recommended.
It's an in-depth article here at SR as a Sticky post under the forum for Anxiety:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...anagement.html
It's an in-depth article here at SR as a Sticky post under the forum for Anxiety:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...anagement.html
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
