cedars

I posted about about a month ago. I have been reading and learning so much from this site. But today I am still in a bad place. My AH went to rehab. in March and said he was clean until about 2 weeks ago when I drug tested him and he tested positive for opiates. He denied it to the bitter end and then admitted it. He's been lying about meetings and when he goes it's only about 2 maybe 3 times a week. He seems to be connecting with his sponser and i'm glad for that. Besides pain meds for 15+years, he smoked marijuana for 30. He lies like no other and is a master at manipulation. He had a 2 year affair i found out about 3 years ago but still carried on with her in some capacity. That, to the best of my knowledge, ended in March and he had at least one other before that. We've been married for 19 years with two children 15 and 12. I filed for divorce in January. I am beside myself. He is very bright with a great job and he is a good father. That is what has screwed me up so bad. I want to leave but I get sucked back in by his promises and professed undying love for me. Now besides trying to suck me back in he has sucked the life out of me. He tells me relapse is part of recovery but I always have to catch him in the act. He is most likely clean at this point in time but, how much more can I take. I love him in some way but I don't trust or respect him. Do I wait in hopes that he can recover or do I wait and have him do it all over to me again? Each time he throws me a bone and I think "he's really trying now" and maybe he is, maybe this is just the process. But i'm terrified, I have come to realize that I am just as sick as he is.

oooopps

How many chances have you given him? Why would this time be any different?

Professed Undying Love? All these addict promises sound so sweet ~ but if this so called "undying love" consist of cheating with other women, lies, and drug addiction... then No Thank you. I rather this kind of "love" die. Nexxxtttt.

You've given him 19 years. How much longer do you want to suffer?

What are you scared of? The worse comes to worse, your new life (that is after you decide to drop your baggage addict husband) will be without the drama, chaos, sadness and lies that comes with a drug addict. Are you afraid of healing yourself and experiencing peace?

cedars

Thanks oooopps, you're right. Believe me if i heard someone else say this I would be shocked they would even have to think about what the right thing to do is. That's what's so scary at least I know what I got here. I feel like when I leave I could wind up in a much worse situation, since it's obvious I can't see the forest through the trees.

oooopps

The most important relationship is the one we have with ourselves. Have you said "I love you" to yourself today? That person (you) is precious and deserves to be protected.

You have put yourself in harm's way for long enough. Time to take a stand and say No More to being abused and walked all over because you deserve better, and starting today you are committed to loving and protecting you. It's never too late to begin but you must be willing to make the effort to start healing.

dollydo

Sometimes it is best to just walk away. He is an addict, he is a cheater...what is your deal breaker...do you have one?

You and your children deserve so much better, he is not going to change. He will
continue to lie, he will cheat again because you condone his behavior by staying with him.

Have you gone to therapy? Are you attending Alanon meetings? Have you read CoDependent No More? If not, I would suggest that you do so.

Until you take the bull by the horns...nothing will change.

Sit back analyze the situation...honestly...and then make the decision that is in you and your childrens best interest.

lesliej

sometimes you just need to give yourself permission to take a break! you need to take some time for yourself...to gain some perspective on your life and your heart and spirit. when we are stuck in the thick of it we can't see the forest for the trees, and the "threat" of loss which is part of the glue of the "what ifs" is crazy making.

stay in the moment.

and yes, writing here is part of the process...when we read our own posts, and see the similarities between others who are also trying to recover here, we can see our own struggle, our codependency and the road we are on toward insanity. when we are willing and honest to state how it really is then we are making the first step in our recovery.

your post helps me, because I am in community with you, I have been there and continue to read to remind myself what it is like to be struggling with letting go.

give yourself a break. not much in this life is "all or nothing" or "black and white"...just take some time, gain some perspective, move forward on your divorce. take steps toward freedom of spirit and notice each moment.

no one will tell you there isn't pain in letting go, but plenty will tell you about the freedom and relief once you have learned to detach!

cedars

Yes, I do have a therapist but she seems to think that he is trying and that I should give him time, that recovery takes time. This is were I struggle. Is he manipulating her too? She specializes in addiction and holds a Phd. I do not go to many Alanon meetings but I would like to and get a sponsor. This is painful and I know it's all part of letting go. If it were just me it would be so much easier. It's my kids who, either way, will suffer. He is a good father and they don't know all of his issues. He has had EVERYONE fooled, no one would have ever guessed he used drugs nor would they have thought he had an affair. I fear that all my kids will see is me walking out.

SadHeart

I don't think there's a 'right' time to go. You just go when you go.

It doesn't matter if it's the right time or not. Trying to figure out when the 'right' time is is just another artificial perfectionist pressure we put on ourselves.

What do you mean by 'right' time anyway. Right time for you? For him? For the kids? For your family or his family? For the dog? For the house selling market? For the job schedule?

What if these don't match up? If you have to prioritize and chose among all the different right times, you can paralyze yourself.

You are going to do one of three things:

1) leave at the perfect time. Yay for you.

2) leave too soon. And what's wrong with that, what does that mean? If it's too soon, then go back. Or if you burned bridges and can't go back, just trudge through until you make it right. I think people worry that they'll leave, the addict will go straight, and then they will have lost out, because the addict won't take them back. But if they go clean and won't take you back, they would have left you after they got clean anyway. Look at how many threads there are that start, "After all these years, he finally got sober and then he dumped me..." And if you are a good couple capable of happiness, once s/he gets sober, and s/he proves himself/herself and makes amends and wins you back--then go back! No harm, no fowl, and in the meantime, you've saved yourself a lot of heartache and drama.

I wonder if it's even possible to leave too early.

3) You leave too late. What's the worst thing you've done? Prolonged the agony and delayed the inevitable. You might be poorer and more damaged, but...now you are out and ready to rebuild and repair. Better late than never and you still have your future ahead of you.

In the long run I think the 'right' time doesn't matter. If it needs to be done, just do it. If you don't choose the optimal time, forgive yourself and move on.

Chances are there isn't an optimal time anyway. The optimal time was back when we first met them and noticed that first pretty red flag....

None of us left then.

SadHeart

What does his 'trying' have anything to do with what's best for you? You are allowed to leave even if he is trying, even if he is succeeding, even if it takes time. You are allowed to do what's right for you even if it sets back his rocovery. There's nothing immoral, selfish, or unloving about that. Nothing.

Your recovery and happiness are NOT SECONDARY to his.

She may specialize in addiction and have a Ph.D, but it doesn't sound like she has YOUR best interests forefront. It sounds like she has his. It's very likely that a Ph.D in Codependency Recovery would think the opposite, your going should have nothing to do with 'giving him time' or anything else, but everything to do with what YOU need and want.

It's such a radical idea: the addict does not come first. Even 'experts' don't get it, particularly 'experts' who have focused all their careers on the addict and like most others in society shunt aside the needs and welfare of the non-addicted.

cedars

Yeah, great point, good question what did I mean by "right time"? I guess, sadly, I need to hear that I'm not giving up, that just because he's "trying" I don't have to stick it out. Thank you for your words they are giving me some clarity. And Anvilhead, very true, I don't believe for a second he was clean up until two weeks ago and honestly he probably goes to one meeting a week and that's because his sponsor is there. His famous words "How can you leave now when you put up with this for 20 years and now I'm clean(well today anyway). It will only get better, I'm still learning". Oh and BTW he just got himself a brand new very expensive car...somehow that just doesn't seem right...ughhhh