zorah

i was wondering what the killer triggers to drink are for you guys. i'm asking because i've had a lot of near slips recently. Some are easier to resist than others. i almost lost it recently.

i've been sober about 70 days through the help of a program. but there's a really dark place i can go in my head that's deadly--a black hole with no bottom and a guarantee for relapse. it's a mental state where I literally do not care what happens to me AT ALL, drinking or not, living or not. recently, it almost succeeded in making me ditch myself on the side of the road despite all the blood, sweat and tears of the past few months. if it comes at me harder, i don't know how i will stop it. it's a scary space to be in. if i can't care what happens to me or how much harm i will create for myself, then how do i stop myself? i know that's an insane question [like asking someone who's pulling her hair out how to stop when she doesn't care if she becomes bald].

in a way, you could say that this is the mindset of any addict who hasn't hit bottom yet. but i have and i'm in a program and want to get better. but when this thing comes at me, i feel so vulnerable.

i'm supposed to talk to my sponsor tomorrow so i will ask her.

thanks for listening.... i'm just glad i didn't give in today. whew....



Zorah

Dee74

Hi Zorah - almost anything was a trigger for me by the end...
I really needed no reason.

I remember the not caring thing tho - coming here helped me deal with that - it was much harder not to care for myself when I knew there was a community here that cared about me and the decisions I made

The more I 'did right' the less I wanted to throw that away

D

hypochondriac

I understand the whole slipping down a black hole thing Zorah. I've been headed there myself a few times recently. Going to meetings helps so far, helps get me out of my own head. But I also do mindfulness meditation when I can. It is designed exactly to avoid that black hole, but it takes working on these things when we're feeling okay to get any benefit. Prevention is better than a cure and all that. Hope you're feeling okay today x

tomsteve

getting sober, anger... now that i'm sober, nothing.

Zebra1275

I had a conversation along this line with my sponsor a while ago. I don't know if I would drink over it, but the death of my wife or one of my kids could be the kind of significant emotional event that might trip me up.

sugarbear1

Try to start using the tools. Get other phone numbers and use them to get out of yourself. Pray, meditate, write a journal. There are things we can do to distract ourselves. Reaching out to others is the best one. You never know when someone needs a phone call to distract them, too!

hereandhear

Oh, Zorah, how I can relate to what you shared! I can most gratefully say that today I feel it is unlikely I could encounter any killer trigger. I've been in recovery for many years, but can remember vividly how powerless I felt initially and how necessary it was for me to latch on quickly to the wisdom of those who had gone through this before me. My first sponsor imprinted in my mind that I can only think one thought at a time, and that I have a choice about what that thought is going to be. A contemporary in recovery often says "Thought be gone!" when something eases in that he knows is going to be trouble. Maintaining an attitude of gratitude.... writing a gratitude list .... has always helped me. "Don't take a drink (or other drug), even if your (____) falls off!" is another admonition that helped and made my prissy self smile at the same time. Don't give up just before the miracle happens... this way of life is so worth the discipline and effort necessary to maintain it. Namaste!

aasharon90

You'd think that if someone has years of
sobriety behind him or her, then there would
be no reason to slip or go back out and drink.
Well, that's not so because there are still many
who have those number of yrs sober and allow
some small incident to disturb their flow of
recovery and they end up in a drunken stooper.

So, the number of yrs sober doesnt exempt
anyone from drinking unless they have a program
of recovery to live by and incorperate in their
everyday lives a day at a time.

For example, I have 21 yrs soberiety and
have problems with yard work and neighbors.
I take pride in my yard and can keep it emmaculate
as I learned to do as part of childhood abuse.
This behavior for things to be perfect at a young
age eventually took its toll on me and drove me
to drink till i turned 30.

Today i have those recovery tools I learned when
i spent 28 days in rehab some 21 yrs ago to help
me avoid making a deadly mistake to drink and die.

Seems as tho I have a problem with one of 2
neighbors I am sandwhiched inbetween with.
She, a lone owner pays someone to take care
of her yard, for whatever reason. Work, single,
hates to do yrd work.....biatch...i dont know.

My driveway on the left separates the 2 yrds. However,
there is that 2, 3 feet that is actually part of my yrd,
but, because its close to her bedroom window, i fail
to edge or cut because i feel like it should be hers to
do and i dont like to get that close just out of respect
to not disturb resident.

Soooo, we put green metal edging down our driveway
so her grass wouldnt grow on our driveway.....well
that didnt work too well because the lawn man didnt
edge her side. Soooo, i dug a trench on her side of the
metal to keep the grass on her side. That didnt work
either, cause she called my husband and wanted to
know what was going on.

Soooooo.....we removed the edging, because now
my pride was hurt and i didnt get my own way and
she stole my joy for manicuring our yrd away.

That happened 3 weeks ago, so now, ive decided
to not cut the front yard anymore and let my husband
do it. sniffle sniffle. For me, it kills me that I enjoyed
taking care of the yrd as a women and wife and yet,
this kind of yrd incident has happened to me not once
but twice now.

I tell you what....if i didnt have a program of recovery
to help me with this situation, id surely be drunk, go crazy
or dead by now.

Is there a lesson to be learned in this situation? Im
sure there is and im gonna figure it out one of these
days as I turn my will and life over to the Man upstairs
for help and guidance so my ruffled feathers can calm
down again.

Watching out for those killer triggers even if its yard
work.

SamanthaIam

I know, Zorah... it *is* a black hole. I've approached it many times. When I'm not drinking, I am very clear about how much my kids need me. Drinking, I am sure that it wouldn't matter if I vanished from the earth -- and I've taken a very cavalier attitude about that while drinking, like so what if something happens or I destroy my health and die?

Yikes.

Like Dee, I didn't need a trigger or an excuse toward the end, there... I just drank every day because that's what I did.

Right now, the only thing that has made me even think about drinking is the rejection I get from my siblings & parents... but I'm over that, too. There's a saying that goes something like --

Not forgiving/letting go is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

OCDDan

complacency, peer presure, relationships

Veritas1

The killer trigger is delusion.

The inability to see the truth when it comes to me and my drinking.

Thinking I can drink. Thinking it won't hurt me, or thinking I could control it.

Delusion also has me see alcohol in a way that is false. Seeing others drink and wishing I could is delusional. It is bad for me, it is not good for me. What other people are doing is not my truth.

My mind will tell me that I am missing something when I see others drink. This happened recently.

I am missing nothing.

The biggest trigger for me is not being able to see my problem as it really is at all times.

The answer is to never believe the lie. To not fall for the temptation, but to know the truth.

I have fellow AA members that I can call that help me to see the truth.

Bruno1979

Euro 2012 and England playing Italy tonight,

All of my mate are texting me to join them for a beer.

Bruno.

zorah

thanx so much for the support. :-) woke up in that dark hole again, even toyed with the idea of getting a bottle of something to drink immediately. but i read what you all wrote and thought about what i would lose instead of gain (which is nothing).

i meditated and asked for guidance from Whoever is out there. and the message i got was that i have a "soul sickness"--that i can't live in this world without attending to that deeper part of me that cries out for something much bigger than me. i'm struggling with the Higher Power thing right now because it leads me back to religion. but i began to really just listen and the more i did the more i felt like, for me, a higher power i could have would be a Divine Intelligence, a Higher Love than I've ever known, one that is not only much bigger but also that is very close, very caring, lacking in judgment or harsh punishment. my dog, actually, teaches me more about what a higher power could be than any person or holy writing.

anyway, this has helped me today. and you were all part of it.

oh, i was going to ask: do you know where i can find some good online meetings? i go to f2f meetings here, but sometimes in the wee hours of the morning when i'm pacing around like a wild animal, i could use extra help.

blessings,


zorah

Zencat

▲ I love it

My BFF's cat (P-Kitty) dose the same for me.

duane1

Well I had a huge trigger in my house a little while ago. An old drinking buddy needed to borrow something and came over with beer. He came right up to me and asked if I wanted one. I just said, no thanks I'm drinking water. I think it threw him for a loop. A little later I told him that I haven't drank in a while. He seemed fine with it.

Veritas1

I don't know of online meetings, but sometimes I go into chat and talk with the members there in the late hours when I cannot sleep!

Also, here is a link for a good AA speakers home group site that a member shared with me.

Hope you find something helpful.

Make A Begining in AA: PPG Lynbrook

DisplacedGRITS

My greatest trigger is when i feel overwhelmed. It can be anything. Overwhelmed by a task, even a simple one, overwhelmed by emotion, overwhelmed by boredom. My husband and i moved recently and i've been stuck with most of the unpacking and organizing the house. I became overwhelmed with all the boxes and boxes of stuff and me with no plan for them (i'm horrible at organization). I sat down and felt the old urge. I wanted a drink. If there'd been alcohol in the house i know without a doubt that i would have drunk myself crazy. I'd have drunk everything i could have and gone out for more. I took a break, read a few chapters of a book and let the feeling pass but it rocked me. I started going back to meetings the next day. It's scary how something so simple could have such an effect on me. I wanted to run away from the boxes. Why? After i calmed down i broke it down and took the situation in like i took in sobriety. One box at a time, lol. Well, the room of boxes is nearly empty. It's not super organized but i have what i need and i can take my time sorting things out.

I think as alcoholics and addicts, we're used to the immediate gratification. I wanted to fly through those boxes like a reverse of Merlin packing his bag in The Sword in the Stone. Everything in it's place, no mess, no fuss, no problem, no thinking. Instead, i found myself faced with a stupid, boring, infuriating task that frustrated me and i let it get the best of me. So i was ready to turn to my old friend, alcohol. Alcohol would delay the problem but not solve it. Solving it involved facing my frustration, gritting my teeth and grinding through the task. The reward i would have gotten with alcohol would have been temporary relief but the problem would have remained. The reward i got with sobriety is a task (almost) completed, a feeling of pride and accomplishment and the feeling of peace at the end of the day that i faced the demon and won. I'll take the hard road of sobriety and reap the sweet rewards.

Well, that turned out longer than i'd anticipated...

jennikate

For me, it's whenever I feel powerless over something- my family, home, finances, etc. That feeling leads to anger which leads to....well, you get the gist.

Eclipse

I lost my job because I was DRUNK at an annual meeting. WTH. How could I get here. It is 6:00 am and I already guzzled 4 beers. I can't seem to get with it. I guess rehab is the next option. I have a great home, great kids (some problems) but I should be able to handle it and the problems probably happen because their stupid mother is an alcoholic. Most people would be absolutely shocked to hear about it, but yeah I am.