Hostage taker
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Hostage taker
Im here to ask what your definition of a hostage taker is, it was recently suggested i am doing this with some of my friends, im trying to better understand this procsess,
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
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I would say that a "hostage taker' is when your way is the only way. That there is no way to win a fight with you, and the person just eventually gives up and let's you "run the show", just to keep the peace.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 283
In a relationship with a "hostage taker" you lose the ability to make choices. Even though he may not tell you you aren't going to leave the house, you know it will be chaos when you return. You can't go to a friend's wedding with him or family vacation because you have learned that it's a bad idea. In every decision you make, you have to factor in the A's drinking and related behavior. The hostage taker sucks all the peace and air out of your life.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
The hostage taker inundates you with problems. Constant problems that need to be solved. And most of those problems occur because of how they choose to live their life. They make very poor choices, dysfunctional and unhealthy, which affect not only themselves but also those closest to them. They say that for every alcoholic or addict, an average of four people are affected by the disease.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
it means i am playing God and know whats better than God for everyone. i used to set ransoms. you need to do this and if ya dont i'll_______. it didnt matter, if the ransom was met or not, there was always a new ransom.
it means i am focusing on everyone/thing and what THEY need to do and not lookin at me.
And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life — unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.
Shakespeare said, “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players.” He forgot to mention that I was the chief critic. I was always able to see the flaw in every person, every situation. And I was always glad to point it out, because I knew you wanted perfection, just as I did. A.A. and acceptance have taught me that there is a bit of good in the worst of us and a bit of bad in the best of us; that we are all children of God and we each have a right to be here. When I complain about me or about you, I am complaining about God’s handiwork. I am saying that I know better than God
it means i am focusing on everyone/thing and what THEY need to do and not lookin at me.
And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life — unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.
Shakespeare said, “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players.” He forgot to mention that I was the chief critic. I was always able to see the flaw in every person, every situation. And I was always glad to point it out, because I knew you wanted perfection, just as I did. A.A. and acceptance have taught me that there is a bit of good in the worst of us and a bit of bad in the best of us; that we are all children of God and we each have a right to be here. When I complain about me or about you, I am complaining about God’s handiwork. I am saying that I know better than God
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
it means i am playing God and know whats better than God for everyone. i used to set ransoms. you need to do this and if ya dont i'll_______. it didnt matter, if the ransom was met or not, there was always a new ransom.
it means i am focusing on everyone/thing and what THEY need to do and not lookin at me.
it means i am focusing on everyone/thing and what THEY need to do and not lookin at me.
I feel like a hostage when I engage with him, on any level, emotionally. It's like he's an emotional contortionist. Nothing gets accomplished, our kids suffer, I can't focus on my own life, I'm just trying to figure out what he wants, how he wants it and why the hell I can't do it.
It's because it's always changing--his criteria.
Here's our pattern:
1) AH blames me for the house being trashed, us having no money, not having sex wtih him, whatever.
2) I feel like crap, try to do better, try to defend myself.
3) He escalates, continues to blame me.
4) I cry and feel horrible until I"ve had enough and tell him his opinion of me doesn't matter anymore and it's invalid and I'm not concerned about his issues anymore.
5) Then he scurries around trying to please me, going overboard with nicities, we make up, I"m in HEAVEN because he finally loves me. Until the next time when AH blames me. Repeat.
Now, this pattern changes dramatically when I'm in recovery. Now it goes like this:
1) AH begins to attempt to blame me for the house being trashed, us having no money, not having sex wtih him, whatever.
2) I stand up, tell him his opinion of me doesn't matter; it's invalid and I'm not taking any of his accusations. He can speak to me respectfully or keep it to himself. Then I walk away. Good bye. I put physical space and emotional safety around me and change the things I say to myself so I don't buy into his twisted version of reality.
3) At this point, he can either give up or continue and escalate on his own, but I also put the kabash on that as well. My boundaries with him have changed so much because I no longer buy into that "I"M a bad kid who always screws up and doesn't deserve love," belief left over from my childhood with alcoholic parents.
This may be WAY more than you were looking for. I appreciate letting me process here, it really helped me!
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
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5) Then he scurries around trying to please me, going overboard with nicities, we make up, I"m in HEAVEN because he finally loves me. Until the next time when AH blames me. Repeat.
that was me!!! didnt work for crap. thne i'd blame whoever i was with for me getting drunk!! siiiiiiiick.
so greatful i'm not that man(?) anymore!!!
that was me!!! didnt work for crap. thne i'd blame whoever i was with for me getting drunk!! siiiiiiiick.
so greatful i'm not that man(?) anymore!!!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I feel like a hostage when I engage with him, on any level, emotionally. It's like he's an emotional contortionist. Nothing gets accomplished, our kids suffer, I can't focus on my own life, I'm just trying to figure out what he wants, how he wants it and why the hell I can't do it.
It's because it's always changing--his criteria.
Here's our pattern:
1) AH blames me for the house being trashed, us having no money, not having sex wtih him, whatever.
It's because it's always changing--his criteria.
Here's our pattern:
1) AH blames me for the house being trashed, us having no money, not having sex wtih him, whatever.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by tomsteve 
it means i am playing God and know whats better than God for everyone. i used to set ransoms. you need to do this and if ya dont i'll_______. it didnt matter, if the ransom was met or not, there was always a new ransom.
it means i am focusing on everyone/thing and what THEY need to do and not lookin at me.
And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life — unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.
Shakespeare said, “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players.” He forgot to mention that I was the chief critic. I was always able to see the flaw in every person, every situation. And I was always glad to point it out, because I knew you wanted perfection, just as I did. A.A. and acceptance have taught me that there is a bit of good in the worst of us and a bit of bad in the best of us; that we are all children of God and we each have a right to be here. When I complain about me or about you, I am complaining about God’s handiwork. I am saying that I know better than God
it means i am focusing on everyone/thing and what THEY need to do and not lookin at me.
And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life — unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.
Shakespeare said, “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players.” He forgot to mention that I was the chief critic. I was always able to see the flaw in every person, every situation. And I was always glad to point it out, because I knew you wanted perfection, just as I did. A.A. and acceptance have taught me that there is a bit of good in the worst of us and a bit of bad in the best of us; that we are all children of God and we each have a right to be here. When I complain about me or about you, I am complaining about God’s handiwork. I am saying that I know better than God
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
tjp, we just gotta work on progress in everything we do.
it seems when i get good at acceptance for "this", i get "that" put in my life to work on. and i dont even want to think about "the other!!"
it seems when i get good at acceptance for "this", i get "that" put in my life to work on. and i dont even want to think about "the other!!"
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by tomsteve
tjp, we just gotta work on progress in everything we do.
it seems when i get good at acceptance for "this", i get "that" put in my life to work on. and i dont even want to think about "the other!!"
it seems when i get good at acceptance for "this", i get "that" put in my life to work on. and i dont even want to think about "the other!!"
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