Is he really an abusive alcoholic?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 48
Is he really an abusive alcoholic?
Hi there,
I've just found the courage to leave my alcoholic boyfriend, after 2 and a half years on the drinking roller coaster.
When we met, I was very vulnerable and was trying to figure myself out. After years of abusive relationships, I had decided it was time to be alone and just focus on me. I wish now that I had trusted my first instinct. He was charming, too charming. He was sure of himself, to the point of arrogance. I was attracted to him despite my gut feeling that he would only break my heart. The thing is, I thought to myself he was a player, not an abusive drunk.
We worked up north together and here in Australia - if you work up north on a mine site, there isn't much to do but just drink and spend time with your friends. It never seemed like he drank too much because everybody else did. It was the culture.
When he was fired from his job for drinking too much and not getting back on the bus on his rostered day off, he told me it was because he had run into his brother at the pub and didn't want to leave him because he hadnt seen him in a long time. It was the first of many lies, although they only started unravelling some time later.
We had only been dating for a few months when he proposed to me. We seemed so in sync and I fell hard and fast for him. He said the most beautiful things to me, made me feel alive, and treated me like a princess - I had never experienced that before.
His drinking problem started becoming apparent when I moved back home and we decided to work on our relationship. I had been involved in an incident on site with some rowdy men who became drunk and groped me and I was traumatised by the incident so was sent back home. The night I came home, he took my brother out to a strip club, drove the car drunk and spent all my money. I was angry when they got home at 7am, furious in fact. I remember crying and yelling at him saying I couldn't believe he hadn't been there for me when I needed him. He apologised and we stayed together.
This continued for a little while. We would be granted a few months reprieve and then he would be back on the alcohol, each time with more devastating consequences. The first time he was violent toward me was when he had been out drinking all night, again at a strip club. I had gone to my friend's place to have my bridesmaid dress altered - I was due to be a bridesmaid the next day and he was my date for the wedding. Instead, after his actions of the night, and again spending all our money - I became really angry with him. I was crying again and he was just falling asleep from his drunken stupor. I became so enraged that I poured water on him to get him to wake up. He became enraged. He threw everything off our dressing table, pushed the chair over, and stormed past me. He threw me on to the pile of decking that had yet to be laid and when I was able to get up, I begged him to stop. He grabbed my by the scruff of my neck and pushed me away.
I was devastated. I couldn't believe he was capable of those types of actions and so I fled.
He stopped drinking for a little while (or at least, so he told me) but then abandoned me while we were on holiday in Phuket so he could go out drinking on his own. The most horrific thing I have seen is him punching my brother through a window, after no provocation from my brother. My brother stepped in because he believed it would have been me through that window. And still I stayed!
We always broke up - we always got back together. He always promised he would go to counselling, always promised he would get help and stop drinking. After almost two years of being broke all the time from his drinking and lies, not being able to go out to my friend's because I was worried about what he would do, not being able to drink and unwind myself (I'm not much of a drinker) I felt that I had reached rock bottom.
I was at my friend's place for dinner after another of our ugly fights. He had been out all night drinking and when I picked him up after having no sleep (at 4 in the morning), he ditched work, twisted my wrist to get the car keys off me, and almost ran me over with the car as he drove off drunk in the car that I pay for.
The night I was with my friend, I finally broke up with him. He was out again drinking and I couldn't do it anymore. So he threw all my clothes in the rain and then in the bin. I called the cops and when we went through the house trying to get the rest of my things, he drunkenly yelled out that I was nothing but a **** and he hoped I would rot in hell.
He never hit me, only shoved, pushed, yanked, and hurt me. But when I saw what he did to my brother; I thought for a split second he had killed him. His head was leaning on an angle through the glass, his eyes had rolled back, there was blood coming from his head... I still relive that night every night, thinking could it have been me?
As I sit here writing this, I wonder if I should mention that I'm difficult to live with, that I have my own issues and cannot trust people due to the abuse I have had at the hands of previous boyfriends. I know I can nag, I know I'm not perfect, but he always blamed me for his drinking.
I feel so hurt and so confused and yet in my heart I know I made the right decision. I have been trying to help him for 2 and a half years and if almost killing my brother wasn't his rock bottom, then what is?
Is he really an alcoholic? Could what he has done to me be considered abuse? I feel so unsure of myself and don't know what to do. He won't leave me alone and keeps telling me he loves me and misses me. He shows up at my house without warning. (We were living together and I moved out). We still have to be in contact because the finance for the car is in my name and he says he wants to have it transferred over to him because he wants to keep the car. I worry that he is going to really go off the rails now that I'm not there.
Sorry for the long post. I'm just trying to find a way out of this madness.
I've just found the courage to leave my alcoholic boyfriend, after 2 and a half years on the drinking roller coaster.
When we met, I was very vulnerable and was trying to figure myself out. After years of abusive relationships, I had decided it was time to be alone and just focus on me. I wish now that I had trusted my first instinct. He was charming, too charming. He was sure of himself, to the point of arrogance. I was attracted to him despite my gut feeling that he would only break my heart. The thing is, I thought to myself he was a player, not an abusive drunk.
We worked up north together and here in Australia - if you work up north on a mine site, there isn't much to do but just drink and spend time with your friends. It never seemed like he drank too much because everybody else did. It was the culture.
When he was fired from his job for drinking too much and not getting back on the bus on his rostered day off, he told me it was because he had run into his brother at the pub and didn't want to leave him because he hadnt seen him in a long time. It was the first of many lies, although they only started unravelling some time later.
We had only been dating for a few months when he proposed to me. We seemed so in sync and I fell hard and fast for him. He said the most beautiful things to me, made me feel alive, and treated me like a princess - I had never experienced that before.
His drinking problem started becoming apparent when I moved back home and we decided to work on our relationship. I had been involved in an incident on site with some rowdy men who became drunk and groped me and I was traumatised by the incident so was sent back home. The night I came home, he took my brother out to a strip club, drove the car drunk and spent all my money. I was angry when they got home at 7am, furious in fact. I remember crying and yelling at him saying I couldn't believe he hadn't been there for me when I needed him. He apologised and we stayed together.
This continued for a little while. We would be granted a few months reprieve and then he would be back on the alcohol, each time with more devastating consequences. The first time he was violent toward me was when he had been out drinking all night, again at a strip club. I had gone to my friend's place to have my bridesmaid dress altered - I was due to be a bridesmaid the next day and he was my date for the wedding. Instead, after his actions of the night, and again spending all our money - I became really angry with him. I was crying again and he was just falling asleep from his drunken stupor. I became so enraged that I poured water on him to get him to wake up. He became enraged. He threw everything off our dressing table, pushed the chair over, and stormed past me. He threw me on to the pile of decking that had yet to be laid and when I was able to get up, I begged him to stop. He grabbed my by the scruff of my neck and pushed me away.
I was devastated. I couldn't believe he was capable of those types of actions and so I fled.
He stopped drinking for a little while (or at least, so he told me) but then abandoned me while we were on holiday in Phuket so he could go out drinking on his own. The most horrific thing I have seen is him punching my brother through a window, after no provocation from my brother. My brother stepped in because he believed it would have been me through that window. And still I stayed!
We always broke up - we always got back together. He always promised he would go to counselling, always promised he would get help and stop drinking. After almost two years of being broke all the time from his drinking and lies, not being able to go out to my friend's because I was worried about what he would do, not being able to drink and unwind myself (I'm not much of a drinker) I felt that I had reached rock bottom.
I was at my friend's place for dinner after another of our ugly fights. He had been out all night drinking and when I picked him up after having no sleep (at 4 in the morning), he ditched work, twisted my wrist to get the car keys off me, and almost ran me over with the car as he drove off drunk in the car that I pay for.
The night I was with my friend, I finally broke up with him. He was out again drinking and I couldn't do it anymore. So he threw all my clothes in the rain and then in the bin. I called the cops and when we went through the house trying to get the rest of my things, he drunkenly yelled out that I was nothing but a **** and he hoped I would rot in hell.
He never hit me, only shoved, pushed, yanked, and hurt me. But when I saw what he did to my brother; I thought for a split second he had killed him. His head was leaning on an angle through the glass, his eyes had rolled back, there was blood coming from his head... I still relive that night every night, thinking could it have been me?
As I sit here writing this, I wonder if I should mention that I'm difficult to live with, that I have my own issues and cannot trust people due to the abuse I have had at the hands of previous boyfriends. I know I can nag, I know I'm not perfect, but he always blamed me for his drinking.
I feel so hurt and so confused and yet in my heart I know I made the right decision. I have been trying to help him for 2 and a half years and if almost killing my brother wasn't his rock bottom, then what is?
Is he really an alcoholic? Could what he has done to me be considered abuse? I feel so unsure of myself and don't know what to do. He won't leave me alone and keeps telling me he loves me and misses me. He shows up at my house without warning. (We were living together and I moved out). We still have to be in contact because the finance for the car is in my name and he says he wants to have it transferred over to him because he wants to keep the car. I worry that he is going to really go off the rails now that I'm not there.
Sorry for the long post. I'm just trying to find a way out of this madness.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,866
Yes, dear, that is abuse. He is an abusive alcoholic and things will only get worse from here. I hope you will continue to stay away from him because he is a rageaholic, too. He has already physically hurt you, and it's only a matter of time until he does it again.
You deserve better than this. Please do not allow yourself to ever be alone with him. If necessary, get a restraining order to keep him away. It doesn't really matter if you are easy to get along with or not, physical violence is NEVER okay. You NEVER deserve that and don't ever think that you do.
I'm glad you found SR, you will find a lot of support here. Please read and post often. It will help.
You deserve better than this. Please do not allow yourself to ever be alone with him. If necessary, get a restraining order to keep him away. It doesn't really matter if you are easy to get along with or not, physical violence is NEVER okay. You NEVER deserve that and don't ever think that you do.
I'm glad you found SR, you will find a lot of support here. Please read and post often. It will help.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Hi Jad, I am so glad you found us, welcome, your story sounds so hard and I am sure that you are hurting.
Yes Jad, your boyfriend is an alcoholic, and yes, he is abusing you, severly, if it were me I would not want to be in the same room with him.
I'm wondering if there might be a friend, or some family you could stay with for a bit , just for some support and peace. You have been through so much. I worry for you and your safety.
It is probably best that you have no contact with this man, he sounds like a monster, my xabf was a monster too.
Counseling might be a good idea if you are up for it. I am sure many more will come along and write to you, please make yourself at home here, read around the forum and keep posting. You are among friends, the majority of us posting in the section are here for the same reason you are.
Sending you lots of love and a big :ghug3 Katie
Yes Jad, your boyfriend is an alcoholic, and yes, he is abusing you, severly, if it were me I would not want to be in the same room with him.
I'm wondering if there might be a friend, or some family you could stay with for a bit , just for some support and peace. You have been through so much. I worry for you and your safety.
It is probably best that you have no contact with this man, he sounds like a monster, my xabf was a monster too.
Counseling might be a good idea if you are up for it. I am sure many more will come along and write to you, please make yourself at home here, read around the forum and keep posting. You are among friends, the majority of us posting in the section are here for the same reason you are.
Sending you lots of love and a big :ghug3 Katie
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I'm glad you found us, but sorry about the reason that brought you here. I hope you will make yourself at home and post as often as needed.
Is your XABF (ex alcoholic boyfriend) abusive? I believe he is. Violence is never a solution. I also believe he exhibits alcoholic behavior. He lies, manipulates, blame-shifts, minimizes, rages, denies, and continues to get worse as his alcoholism progresses.
Alcoholism is progressive and it does get worse. The only solution is recovery. However, we as loved ones are powerless over alcohol and unable to convince our loved ones of a need for change. When I first arrived here, I learned about the 3 C's of my loved ones alcoholism:
I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I would not Cure it
It took some time for me to accept those truths and give the alcoholism and all it's consequences to my loved one.
I am glad that you have removed yourself from the toxic environment that the relationship has become. Good on You!
Your XABF will likely try to get you back into his drama. He needs to keep things appearing normal, and he needs you to keep his focus off of his own unacceptable behaviors. He also needs your finances to continue to feed his addiction.
Just as in the past, his words are empty and meaningless. I found it helpful to stop listening to the words and start looking at the actions of my alcoholic. My alcoholics actions didn't match his words. The words were just more manipulations.
I hope you will keep reaching out for support. You are not alone. We care about You!
I'm glad you found us, but sorry about the reason that brought you here. I hope you will make yourself at home and post as often as needed.
Is your XABF (ex alcoholic boyfriend) abusive? I believe he is. Violence is never a solution. I also believe he exhibits alcoholic behavior. He lies, manipulates, blame-shifts, minimizes, rages, denies, and continues to get worse as his alcoholism progresses.
Alcoholism is progressive and it does get worse. The only solution is recovery. However, we as loved ones are powerless over alcohol and unable to convince our loved ones of a need for change. When I first arrived here, I learned about the 3 C's of my loved ones alcoholism:
I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I would not Cure it
It took some time for me to accept those truths and give the alcoholism and all it's consequences to my loved one.
I am glad that you have removed yourself from the toxic environment that the relationship has become. Good on You!
Your XABF will likely try to get you back into his drama. He needs to keep things appearing normal, and he needs you to keep his focus off of his own unacceptable behaviors. He also needs your finances to continue to feed his addiction.
Just as in the past, his words are empty and meaningless. I found it helpful to stop listening to the words and start looking at the actions of my alcoholic. My alcoholics actions didn't match his words. The words were just more manipulations.
I hope you will keep reaching out for support. You are not alone. We care about You!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Yes, he is an abuser as he uses verbal assaults and physical assaults (to things and to people) and threats of violence to control you and to hurt you. This abusive behavior is certainly inflamed by his alcoholism, but beneath that he may also have a psychological disorder, extreme narcissistic personality disorder or anti-social personality disorder, and those mental illnesses are hard-wired. Hard-wired. They rarely respond to any treatment or counseling.
Your trauma history--and I am so sorry for what you have experienced--made you very vulnerable to him and unable to read him. Because when someone has experienced trauma, she often has an automatic shutdown of instinct when she is with a new and dangerous person. This is not your fault. It is a common occurrence. It is an automatic denial of the danger you are in, and it happens on its own, in your brain. This is also why many children of alcoholic parents grow up and marry alcoholics. As children their brains often went into automatic shutdown when they were afraid of the alcoholic. And as adults, in the presence of a new alcoholic, again, the brain shuts down and refuses to face the truth. It is not because the person is defective, but because the person learned to protect herself from being overwhelmed when she was young.
So, yes. You became involved with an abuser and abusers are master manipulators and liars and even the most savvy of counselors get fooled by them. You were just no match for him. He is too well-practiced in the art of control.
Please be kind to yourself and protect yourself by accepting that he is mentally ill and will likely remain that way. Please try to find help by going to a 12-step group--free--for codependents or for partners of alcoholics because many of their stories are also like yours.
God made you, a beautiful new child, to love your life and to be loved and respected by every person you invite into your sacred personal world. Find help, find safe people, let go of any feelings of shame for none of this abuse has ever been your fault, no matter what. Abusers hurt everybody. It gives them a rush. Pleasure from the power.
We have links on the opening pages of this forum about Domestic Violence. There is an 800 number. Call it. Someone who understands exactly what has happened to you will be able to talk things through with you, and it will help you.
God bless you and may many new angels enter your life.
Your trauma history--and I am so sorry for what you have experienced--made you very vulnerable to him and unable to read him. Because when someone has experienced trauma, she often has an automatic shutdown of instinct when she is with a new and dangerous person. This is not your fault. It is a common occurrence. It is an automatic denial of the danger you are in, and it happens on its own, in your brain. This is also why many children of alcoholic parents grow up and marry alcoholics. As children their brains often went into automatic shutdown when they were afraid of the alcoholic. And as adults, in the presence of a new alcoholic, again, the brain shuts down and refuses to face the truth. It is not because the person is defective, but because the person learned to protect herself from being overwhelmed when she was young.
So, yes. You became involved with an abuser and abusers are master manipulators and liars and even the most savvy of counselors get fooled by them. You were just no match for him. He is too well-practiced in the art of control.
Please be kind to yourself and protect yourself by accepting that he is mentally ill and will likely remain that way. Please try to find help by going to a 12-step group--free--for codependents or for partners of alcoholics because many of their stories are also like yours.
God made you, a beautiful new child, to love your life and to be loved and respected by every person you invite into your sacred personal world. Find help, find safe people, let go of any feelings of shame for none of this abuse has ever been your fault, no matter what. Abusers hurt everybody. It gives them a rush. Pleasure from the power.
We have links on the opening pages of this forum about Domestic Violence. There is an 800 number. Call it. Someone who understands exactly what has happened to you will be able to talk things through with you, and it will help you.
God bless you and may many new angels enter your life.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi Jad3d. Welcome to SR. I am glad you have found us. Please be kind to yourself and keep those boundaries up.
Yes, he sounds like one to me. One thing I had to learn early on when I first started learning about alcoholism and addiction is that I had stopped trusting my own instincts. Trust your instincts. If his behavior is telling you this is alcoholism, then it is.
Yes, unequivocally, what you describe he has done to you is abuse.
This is what trying to be in a relationship with an abusive alcoholic does to people. You are not alone. Please keep reading here and you will soon see this.
This behavior is a person with no boundaries and no respect for others. Have you asked him to not come to your house? That would be one way of communicating your boundary to him. Then, when he continues to come to your house, document it each time. After he has done it again two or three times, I would call the police. You may want to consider seeking a protective order against him.
If this were me, I'd give him a deadline for transferring the vehicle over to him. Like, one week. If he is unable to transfer it within your timeframe, take the car back. You may need to call the police to do this.
I hope something I've said here is useful to you. Please take good care of yourself, surround yourself with positive, loving, supportive people. And stay away from him. He is dangerous.
Is he really an alcoholic?
Could what he has done to me be considered abuse?
I feel so unsure of myself and don't know what to do.
He won't leave me alone and keeps telling me he loves me and misses me. He shows up at my house without warning. (We were living together and I moved out).
We still have to be in contact because the finance for the car is in my name and he says he wants to have it transferred over to him because he wants to keep the car. I worry that he is going to really go off the rails now that I'm not there.
I hope something I've said here is useful to you. Please take good care of yourself, surround yourself with positive, loving, supportive people. And stay away from him. He is dangerous.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 48
Thank you so much for your outpouring of support. I feel like my heart and mind are at war with each other - smart enough to know better, and yet too in love to see what's happening before my eyes. These posts have helped me in ways I can't even begin to express. I have told him repeatedly that I do not wish to see him or talk to him and yet he refuses to accept my boundaries. He instead calls and texts me insisting that he misses and loves me and pleads with me to take him back. I have told him that only sobriety would make me consider having him in my life, but he cannot do that. He seems to think that it's still okay to spend all his money on alcohol, especially now that we're no longer together.
I have told him that the car needs to be sorted out this week. I'm scared of using threats such as "I'll get the police involved" or "I'll have it towed" because I now know he's capable of almost anything and if he believes I'll take the car off him, he could potentially crash it, trash it or worse, come after me and hurt me. I have moved back in with my mum but he just keeps coming over and he doesn't live far away from her house. It scares me to think what he might do if he gets drunk and decides to come over again. I say "if" - really, what I mean is "when".
The tears just keep falling as I write this and as I read your beautiful and uplifting replies. I know that there is a light at the end of this tunnel, but right now it just seems so far away.
It helps to know that I am right - that he is abusive and that he is an alcoholic and that there is nothing I can do to help him. I can only help myself now and begin to repair the damage.
I have told him that the car needs to be sorted out this week. I'm scared of using threats such as "I'll get the police involved" or "I'll have it towed" because I now know he's capable of almost anything and if he believes I'll take the car off him, he could potentially crash it, trash it or worse, come after me and hurt me. I have moved back in with my mum but he just keeps coming over and he doesn't live far away from her house. It scares me to think what he might do if he gets drunk and decides to come over again. I say "if" - really, what I mean is "when".
The tears just keep falling as I write this and as I read your beautiful and uplifting replies. I know that there is a light at the end of this tunnel, but right now it just seems so far away.
It helps to know that I am right - that he is abusive and that he is an alcoholic and that there is nothing I can do to help him. I can only help myself now and begin to repair the damage.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,866
Might I suggest that you block his phone number on your phone, or if you cannot do that, change the ring tone to a snarling, barking dog or some other unpleasant sound so you will know it is him calling, and not answer or send the call directly to voice mail. You do NOT have to talk or text with him.
You also do not have to warn him that you will get the police involved, just do it, if the situation warrants. If you truly want him to leave you alone, you are going to have to be the one to make that happen. Again, getting a protective order might be something you should consider. That way, if he comes to your mother's place, you can call the police and have him removed.
You also do not have to warn him that you will get the police involved, just do it, if the situation warrants. If you truly want him to leave you alone, you are going to have to be the one to make that happen. Again, getting a protective order might be something you should consider. That way, if he comes to your mother's place, you can call the police and have him removed.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I feel like my heart and mind are at war with each other - smart enough to know better, and yet too in love to see what's happening before my eyes.
When I first went through this, I went through hell. But when you pull yourself through it, you become stronger.
I agree, don't make threats to a dangerous person. If and when you have to take the car back, do it without letting him know. You don't owe him anything. He is a grown man, responsible for getting his own transportation and it is not your responsibility.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
You have received some great replies -- there is so much wisdom, experience and compassion here at SR and I'm glad you found us.
I have been the victim of abuse and most recently volunteered on a domestic violence hotline for about a year. I just want to ask you two things: 1) please be very careful and FIRM if you feel it absolutely necessary to talk/text with him (although I advise going completely No Contact instead), and 2) DO NOT hesitate to call the police if he shows up on your property uninvited. Please keep in mind that the most dangerous time for a woman in your situation is when trying to end the relationship. He is very volatile and when he realizes that his sweet talk is no longer working, he may very well become enraged and desperate. PLEASE DO NOT HESITATE TO CALL THE POLICE. DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR for him when he shows up. Ask him to leave and if he doesn't, call 911. Better yet, call the police the minute you hear him knocking. Keep your phone with you at all times. I know these measures seem extreme, but it is better to be safe than sorry -- if for no other reason than to protect your mother who did not ask for any of this.
I'm very sorry you are going through this. It's hell. I remember it well.
I have been the victim of abuse and most recently volunteered on a domestic violence hotline for about a year. I just want to ask you two things: 1) please be very careful and FIRM if you feel it absolutely necessary to talk/text with him (although I advise going completely No Contact instead), and 2) DO NOT hesitate to call the police if he shows up on your property uninvited. Please keep in mind that the most dangerous time for a woman in your situation is when trying to end the relationship. He is very volatile and when he realizes that his sweet talk is no longer working, he may very well become enraged and desperate. PLEASE DO NOT HESITATE TO CALL THE POLICE. DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR for him when he shows up. Ask him to leave and if he doesn't, call 911. Better yet, call the police the minute you hear him knocking. Keep your phone with you at all times. I know these measures seem extreme, but it is better to be safe than sorry -- if for no other reason than to protect your mother who did not ask for any of this.
I'm very sorry you are going through this. It's hell. I remember it well.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden 
Yes, he is an abuser as he uses verbal assaults and physical assaults (to things and to people) and threats of violence to control you and to hurt you. This abusive behavior is certainly inflamed by his alcoholism, but beneath that he may also have a psychological disorder, extreme narcissistic personality disorder or anti-social personality disorder, and those mental illnesses are hard-wired. Hard-wired. They rarely respond to any treatment or counseling.
Your trauma history--and I am so sorry for what you have experienced--made you very vulnerable to him and unable to read him. Because when someone has experienced trauma, she often has an automatic shutdown of instinct when she is with a new and dangerous person. This is not your fault. It is a common occurrence. It is an automatic denial of the danger you are in, and it happens on its own, in your brain. This is also why many children of alcoholic parents grow up and marry alcoholics. As children their brains often went into automatic shutdown when they were afraid of the alcoholic. And as adults, in the presence of a new alcoholic, again, the brain shuts down and refuses to face the truth. It is not because the person is defective, but because the person learned to protect herself from being overwhelmed when she was young.
So, yes. You became involved with an abuser and abusers are master manipulators and liars and even the most savvy of counselors get fooled by them. You were just no match for him. He is too well-practiced in the art of control.
Please be kind to yourself and protect yourself by accepting that he is mentally ill and will likely remain that way. Please try to find help by going to a 12-step group--free--for codependents or for partners of alcoholics because many of their stories are also like yours.
God made you, a beautiful new child, to love your life and to be loved and respected by every person you invite into your sacred personal world. Find help, find safe people, let go of any feelings of shame for none of this abuse has ever been your fault, no matter what. Abusers hurt everybody. It gives them a rush. Pleasure from the power.
We have links on the opening pages of this forum about Domestic Violence. There is an 800 number. Call it. Someone who understands exactly what has happened to you will be able to talk things through with you, and it will help you.
God bless you and may many new angels enter your life.
Your trauma history--and I am so sorry for what you have experienced--made you very vulnerable to him and unable to read him. Because when someone has experienced trauma, she often has an automatic shutdown of instinct when she is with a new and dangerous person. This is not your fault. It is a common occurrence. It is an automatic denial of the danger you are in, and it happens on its own, in your brain. This is also why many children of alcoholic parents grow up and marry alcoholics. As children their brains often went into automatic shutdown when they were afraid of the alcoholic. And as adults, in the presence of a new alcoholic, again, the brain shuts down and refuses to face the truth. It is not because the person is defective, but because the person learned to protect herself from being overwhelmed when she was young.
So, yes. You became involved with an abuser and abusers are master manipulators and liars and even the most savvy of counselors get fooled by them. You were just no match for him. He is too well-practiced in the art of control.
Please be kind to yourself and protect yourself by accepting that he is mentally ill and will likely remain that way. Please try to find help by going to a 12-step group--free--for codependents or for partners of alcoholics because many of their stories are also like yours.
God made you, a beautiful new child, to love your life and to be loved and respected by every person you invite into your sacred personal world. Find help, find safe people, let go of any feelings of shame for none of this abuse has ever been your fault, no matter what. Abusers hurt everybody. It gives them a rush. Pleasure from the power.
We have links on the opening pages of this forum about Domestic Violence. There is an 800 number. Call it. Someone who understands exactly what has happened to you will be able to talk things through with you, and it will help you.
God bless you and may many new angels enter your life.
^^^^ this
And you feel like you're in love, which it's not love, it's your addiction to him.
Love feels good, this feels bad.
The push/pull of this union is what you're addicted to.
If you don't break the cycle now, when will you? If not today, when?
It NEVER gets better. Very few addict recover and if they do, it's not the violent ones.
Hug..I know this is hard.
Recoveringed
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Thump
Posts: 409
i just wanted to say that i'm going through a similar sort of situation, and i don't quite understand it myself but it has been so devastating to me and the pain is still so great that i haven't even been able to write about it. thank you for sharing this here because it helps to know that i'm not as alone with this as i can feel. mine has just disappeared again, and at the moment i don't know if they're gone forever or coming back any minute, if they're alive or dead, if they actually love me or actually hate me, and despite all the abuse it all breaks my heart into a million pieces. i'm so sorry, i wish you the very best in your journey
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
He never hit me, only shoved, pushed, yanked, and hurt me.
If a complete stranger did this to you -- would you find it acceptable?
No.
Then why do you question if the person who is supposed to be closest to you has the right to treat you like this?
Keep running from this man. He is dangerous. And the "I'm not easy to live with"? That's a symptom. It is not your fault that he hurts you. Ever.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by anvilhead
I have been trying to help him for 2 and a half years and if almost killing my brother wasn't his rock bottom, then what is?
if that is not YOUR bottom, than what is?
if that is not YOUR bottom, than what is?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 48
I know what you're saying about "what is my rock bottom" but it's not so simple, especially when my brother has long forgiven him and now they all act like I should just get over it.
It's still so surreal for me and I am hurting so much inside because I'm disgusted that I could still feel emotionally attached to someone who hurt someone I loved.
He came to see me yesterday and gave me a hug, he said some things which made me realise he was already going on dates with someone else and I felt heartbroken that he was moving on already. I am trying my best to make this about me now - about my recovery and tell myself that his life is now none of my business. He told me I hurt him too and I know I did. I know that I eventually became aggressive toward him and couldn't handle him going out and drinking, not knowing what the night would hold.
He told me that I stopped him going out with his friends and that he couldn't go back to being the bad guy, that I made him that bad guy. I believed it for a moment but then found myself thinking he is that bad guy... with or without me.
It's still so surreal for me and I am hurting so much inside because I'm disgusted that I could still feel emotionally attached to someone who hurt someone I loved.
He came to see me yesterday and gave me a hug, he said some things which made me realise he was already going on dates with someone else and I felt heartbroken that he was moving on already. I am trying my best to make this about me now - about my recovery and tell myself that his life is now none of my business. He told me I hurt him too and I know I did. I know that I eventually became aggressive toward him and couldn't handle him going out and drinking, not knowing what the night would hold.
He told me that I stopped him going out with his friends and that he couldn't go back to being the bad guy, that I made him that bad guy. I believed it for a moment but then found myself thinking he is that bad guy... with or without me.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by Jad3d
I know what you're saying about "what is my rock bottom" but it's not so simple, especially when my brother has long forgiven him and now they all act like I should just get over it.
It's still so surreal for me and I am hurting so much inside because I'm disgusted that I could still feel emotionally attached to someone who hurt someone I loved.
He came to see me yesterday and gave me a hug, he said some things which made me realise he was already going on dates with someone else and I felt heartbroken that he was moving on already.
I am trying my best to make this about me now - about my recovery and tell myself that his life is now none of my business.
He told me I hurt him too and I know I did. I know that I eventually became aggressive toward him and couldn't handle him going out and drinking, not knowing what the night would hold.
He told me that I stopped him going out with his friends and that he couldn't go back to being the bad guy, that I made him that bad guy. I believed it for a moment but then found myself thinking he is that bad guy... with or without me.
Take care of yourself. Thank you so much for sharing. It has helped me incredibly.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 48
I want to thank you all so much for giving me such a safe and warm place to express my feelings. I have never been able to speak so freely, without fear of judgement.
Learn2Live, I just want to say, thank you to you in particular. I know that you are struggling too, but you give me hope that I can get through this and find happiness. All your words of wisdom and light give me the strength I need to wake up everyday with the faith that I CAN find happiness and that this is not something I should blame myself for.
I, like you, have always felt overly responsible for other people's actions. My friend committed suicide last year and I felt so much guilt for not being able to help her when she needed me. I realise now that there was nothing I could have done differently to steer her onto a different path and that I can only affect my own reality; not anybody else's.
I know that in time I will learn to love myself, to accept myself for all my flaws, imperfections and all the crazy traits I have.... I know I won't just accept myself, but I'll embrace it because all of those things, warts and all, make me who I am... I can learn to not rely on others to create a persona for me - I will be who I am and it won't change just because I am with someone new.
I accept now that I cannot control another person's actions. The three Cs have more meaning to me now - I truly believe in them, I truly understand that I in no way caused this, I cannot control it and I cannot control him, and I sure can't cure him. But I can cure myself. I can love myself. I can feel comfortable in my own skin.
I know there will be bad days, and it was painful to leave him, but it was more painful to love him. I'd rather miss him than be with him and relive the nightmares.
Thank you all for your amazing words, your kindness and your encouragement. Every post brings me peace.
Learn2Live, I just want to say, thank you to you in particular. I know that you are struggling too, but you give me hope that I can get through this and find happiness. All your words of wisdom and light give me the strength I need to wake up everyday with the faith that I CAN find happiness and that this is not something I should blame myself for.
I, like you, have always felt overly responsible for other people's actions. My friend committed suicide last year and I felt so much guilt for not being able to help her when she needed me. I realise now that there was nothing I could have done differently to steer her onto a different path and that I can only affect my own reality; not anybody else's.
I know that in time I will learn to love myself, to accept myself for all my flaws, imperfections and all the crazy traits I have.... I know I won't just accept myself, but I'll embrace it because all of those things, warts and all, make me who I am... I can learn to not rely on others to create a persona for me - I will be who I am and it won't change just because I am with someone new.
I accept now that I cannot control another person's actions. The three Cs have more meaning to me now - I truly believe in them, I truly understand that I in no way caused this, I cannot control it and I cannot control him, and I sure can't cure him. But I can cure myself. I can love myself. I can feel comfortable in my own skin.
I know there will be bad days, and it was painful to leave him, but it was more painful to love him. I'd rather miss him than be with him and relive the nightmares.
Thank you all for your amazing words, your kindness and your encouragement. Every post brings me peace.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Learn2Live, I just want to say, thank you to you in particular. I know that you are struggling too, but you give me hope that I can get through this and find happiness. All your words of wisdom and light give me the strength I need to wake up everyday with the faith that I CAN find happiness and that this is not something I should blame myself for.
I hope you will go to Al-Anon and read Al-Anon and Hazelden literature, and other materials that will teach you about the disease of alcoholism and about yourself and why you chose an alcoholic as a partner. It makes you a stronger person to do so. Make sure, with every relationship you find yourself in, to learn something about your self. Look for the lessons, they are there, and if you quiet yourself long enough you will see them.
You are doing good. Keep up the strength. Surround yourself with sober, supportive and uplifting people. Get rid of the toxicity in your life. God bless, take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by Jad3d
I want to thank you all so much for giving me such a safe and warm place to express my feelings. I have never been able to speak so freely, without fear of judgement.
Learn2Live, I just want to say, thank you to you in particular. I know that you are struggling too, but you give me hope that I can get through this and find happiness. All your words of wisdom and light give me the strength I need to wake up everyday with the faith that I CAN find happiness and that this is not something I should blame myself for.
I, like you, have always felt overly responsible for other people's actions. My friend committed suicide last year and I felt so much guilt for not being able to help her when she needed me. I realise now that there was nothing I could have done differently to steer her onto a different path and that I can only affect my own reality; not anybody else's.
I know that in time I will learn to love myself, to accept myself for all my flaws, imperfections and all the crazy traits I have.... I know I won't just accept myself, but I'll embrace it because all of those things, warts and all, make me who I am... I can learn to not rely on others to create a persona for me - I will be who I am and it won't change just because I am with someone new.
I accept now that I cannot control another person's actions. The three Cs have more meaning to me now - I truly believe in them, I truly understand that I in no way caused this, I cannot control it and I cannot control him, and I sure can't cure him. But I can cure myself. I can love myself. I can feel comfortable in my own skin.
I know there will be bad days, and it was painful to leave him, but it was more painful to love him. I'd rather miss him than be with him and relive the nightmares.
Thank you all for your amazing words, your kindness and your encouragement. Every post brings me peace.
Learn2Live, I just want to say, thank you to you in particular. I know that you are struggling too, but you give me hope that I can get through this and find happiness. All your words of wisdom and light give me the strength I need to wake up everyday with the faith that I CAN find happiness and that this is not something I should blame myself for.
I, like you, have always felt overly responsible for other people's actions. My friend committed suicide last year and I felt so much guilt for not being able to help her when she needed me. I realise now that there was nothing I could have done differently to steer her onto a different path and that I can only affect my own reality; not anybody else's.
I know that in time I will learn to love myself, to accept myself for all my flaws, imperfections and all the crazy traits I have.... I know I won't just accept myself, but I'll embrace it because all of those things, warts and all, make me who I am... I can learn to not rely on others to create a persona for me - I will be who I am and it won't change just because I am with someone new.
I accept now that I cannot control another person's actions. The three Cs have more meaning to me now - I truly believe in them, I truly understand that I in no way caused this, I cannot control it and I cannot control him, and I sure can't cure him. But I can cure myself. I can love myself. I can feel comfortable in my own skin.
I know there will be bad days, and it was painful to leave him, but it was more painful to love him. I'd rather miss him than be with him and relive the nightmares.
Thank you all for your amazing words, your kindness and your encouragement. Every post brings me peace.
You're doing great. Healing takes time and there are so many pains along the way.
His quick dating is like L2L says, it's just another part of their addiction.
My last 2 ex's are addicts and it took them MINUTES to hook up after I left. It was the most painful part of the break up. Was I that replaceable? Of course I was, seeing that it was not about me. They recycle and being alone to them means imminent death and reality. If they don't have someone to pacify them, then they need to focus on themselves. That is Kryptonite for an addict.
They are sick people with no sense of direction.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
it took them MINUTES to hook up after I left. It was the most painful part of the break up.
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