Tatertot Update :)
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Join Date: May 2010
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Tatertot Update :)
Wow... it feels like EONS since I last posted...
But in any case I just thought I would post a little update.
Things with my SO (significant other) are still going amazingly well. At the beginning of May he celebrated 3 years clean and sober, and as of the beginning of June we have been dating for 2 years (but I've known him for 3). We still live seperately and lead our own lives, but manage to see each other most weekends as well as the very occasional weekday night.
We sometimes talk about moving to the "next level" which would either be marriage or just moving in together and we both agree that it will happen, but neither of us is in a rush to get there (I'm 35 and he is 56). The one thing that I AM a bit in a rush for though is I would really like to have at least one child in the next year or two... I am sadly running out of time...
My SO does not have children of his own either (he has very low sperm count) and he has warmed to the idea of us having children together even though he told me at the beginning of our relationship that he was past the point in his life where he wanted children. Even though he is still somewhat hesitant, he knows it's something I would like and he is going through the process of exploring fertility treatments with me. We are moving slowly on this and have only progressed to the testing stage... we are having his sperm tested to see if there is any chance that we would be able to have a biological child... but he is such an amazing man that he has already wholeheartedly told me that he came to terms a long time ago with the fact that if he ever wanted a child he would have to go with donor sperm. And he is 100% ok with that.
He is still going to a minimum of 2 AA meetings a week and I generally go to his homegroup meeting with him. What's funny is that I usually end up driving a lot of A&D recovery guys to the meeting as well because I have a higher class of drivers licence than he does and I can drive the mission's bigger vans! So the guys all want me to go to the meeting so they can get more people there and back, lol! We call it the "Recovery Buggy". I am still volunteering there regularly as well. I still really enjoy it and enjoy meeting and chatting with all the different people.
So in any case we are both happy with the pace of the relationship.... well... except for the fact that he has not met my parents yet which still really bothers me. I want them to meet because I am close with my family and I want them to get to know the man I love. And to be clear, it's my parents that don't want to meet him... he is ready to meet them if they want to
.
Wow.. this ended up being longer than I intended... maybe I should come back more often???
Hugs to you all,
T
But in any case I just thought I would post a little update.
Things with my SO (significant other) are still going amazingly well. At the beginning of May he celebrated 3 years clean and sober, and as of the beginning of June we have been dating for 2 years (but I've known him for 3). We still live seperately and lead our own lives, but manage to see each other most weekends as well as the very occasional weekday night.
We sometimes talk about moving to the "next level" which would either be marriage or just moving in together and we both agree that it will happen, but neither of us is in a rush to get there (I'm 35 and he is 56). The one thing that I AM a bit in a rush for though is I would really like to have at least one child in the next year or two... I am sadly running out of time...
My SO does not have children of his own either (he has very low sperm count) and he has warmed to the idea of us having children together even though he told me at the beginning of our relationship that he was past the point in his life where he wanted children. Even though he is still somewhat hesitant, he knows it's something I would like and he is going through the process of exploring fertility treatments with me. We are moving slowly on this and have only progressed to the testing stage... we are having his sperm tested to see if there is any chance that we would be able to have a biological child... but he is such an amazing man that he has already wholeheartedly told me that he came to terms a long time ago with the fact that if he ever wanted a child he would have to go with donor sperm. And he is 100% ok with that.
He is still going to a minimum of 2 AA meetings a week and I generally go to his homegroup meeting with him. What's funny is that I usually end up driving a lot of A&D recovery guys to the meeting as well because I have a higher class of drivers licence than he does and I can drive the mission's bigger vans! So the guys all want me to go to the meeting so they can get more people there and back, lol! We call it the "Recovery Buggy". I am still volunteering there regularly as well. I still really enjoy it and enjoy meeting and chatting with all the different people.
So in any case we are both happy with the pace of the relationship.... well... except for the fact that he has not met my parents yet which still really bothers me. I want them to meet because I am close with my family and I want them to get to know the man I love. And to be clear, it's my parents that don't want to meet him... he is ready to meet them if they want to
.Wow.. this ended up being longer than I intended... maybe I should come back more often???
Hugs to you all,
T
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The age difference... they are not on board with it and I think they hope it's just a "phase"... so they are avoiding meeting him for as long as possible. They know I'm dating him but never, ever ask me any questions about him. They try to pretend he doesn't exist ... even though it's been 2 years!
... even though it's been 2 years!
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It's hard for parents to accept a daughter's boyfriend who is old enough to be her father. They see it from their perspective in life and it probably feels a bit creepy to them- they put themselves in his place and would probably never consider dating someone their childrens' age- it would feel foolish. I know this from experience- my oldest daughter has been living with a man her father's age- I think they look ridiculous together. He is an alcoholic with stunted emotional maturity; they are probably on about the same maturity level. It kills me, but she is an adult and I respect her need to make her own decisions, I just don't want the toxicity of having him in my life. I'm glad you are close to your parents. I'm sure they know he exists- I think it would be wise to not force the meeting and try to understand the situation from their perspective.
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Thanks all, for the well wishes!
Yes, other than the not having met my parents part, we are extremely close and happy together!
I know I sound like a broken record sometimes but this truly is the most amazing, fulfilling, honest, respectful, and healthiest relationship I've ever been in!
Sometimes, but not too often, I also have some small fears about the age gap... of course I think about the "What happens when..." or the "What if's..." but for right now and for the forseeable future I couldn't imagine being any happier than I am right now with my relationship.
And Trilogy thank you for your insight... it's good to hear your perspective.
However I am not living with him (for various reasons), and he has been clean/sober for 3 years and I did not know him at all when he was actively using/drinking. I only know him as the person he is now. So that is the only person my parents would ever know as well.
I really would like to try to get them out for dinner together before the end of the summer... this is my goal!
Yes, other than the not having met my parents part, we are extremely close and happy together!
I know I sound like a broken record sometimes but this truly is the most amazing, fulfilling, honest, respectful, and healthiest relationship I've ever been in!
Sometimes, but not too often, I also have some small fears about the age gap... of course I think about the "What happens when..." or the "What if's..." but for right now and for the forseeable future I couldn't imagine being any happier than I am right now with my relationship.
And Trilogy thank you for your insight... it's good to hear your perspective.
However I am not living with him (for various reasons), and he has been clean/sober for 3 years and I did not know him at all when he was actively using/drinking. I only know him as the person he is now. So that is the only person my parents would ever know as well.
I really would like to try to get them out for dinner together before the end of the summer... this is my goal!
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Your folks have been around the block and probably see some red flags that you don't. I think back at the people and relationships my parents warned me against...they were right. I was younger and naive and thought "oh don't be so judgemental. People deserve a second chance, blah blah blah.".
When I hear my son say that same thing to me now it makes me wanna puke.
When I hear my son say that same thing to me now it makes me wanna puke.
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Hi Angrywife!
I'm sorry that you have had such negative experiences and that you sound so jaded at the idea of giving people second chances... (not that I am giving him a "second" chance... this is his first and only chance with me).
But my folks do not know a single thing about him other than his age... which kind of negates them being able to see any kind of flags about him, whether red or any other colour...
Perhaps if they met him and then formed an opinion of him I would be willing to listen to their opinions. But they are (well my dad at least) is refusing to meet him based on his age alone. (They do not know that he is an RA/A or anything about his past... they don't ask and I don't just volunteer information like that... I'd rather they met him and formed their opinions on him based on who he is today... not on who he used to be before I even knew him...)
Also in case you didn't know, I am 35 and have been in many long-term and stable relationships including one marriage... so I do not think of myself as either particularly young or naive...
I'm sorry that you have had such negative experiences and that you sound so jaded at the idea of giving people second chances... (not that I am giving him a "second" chance... this is his first and only chance with me).
But my folks do not know a single thing about him other than his age... which kind of negates them being able to see any kind of flags about him, whether red or any other colour...
Perhaps if they met him and then formed an opinion of him I would be willing to listen to their opinions. But they are (well my dad at least) is refusing to meet him based on his age alone. (They do not know that he is an RA/A or anything about his past... they don't ask and I don't just volunteer information like that... I'd rather they met him and formed their opinions on him based on who he is today... not on who he used to be before I even knew him...)
Also in case you didn't know, I am 35 and have been in many long-term and stable relationships including one marriage... so I do not think of myself as either particularly young or naive...
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Originally Posted by gerryP 
Hey Tatortot!
Wow, has it been 2 years already! Great to hear from you and your great update.
Wow, has it been 2 years already! Great to hear from you and your great update.
Yes it has been 2 years! Hard to believe when you think about my very hesitant start to this...
But in hindsight I am still very glad that I decided to take it very slowly and go into it with both eyes wide open.
I am still very grateful to all the advice and stories I received here on this board. I know my story is not the conventional one on here, but you guys all helped me with the decision just the same!
I'm glad I can come back here with updates periodically and let you know how it's going
Hope things are going well with you too
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I'm just saying...your parents are smarter than you give them credit for. At 35 you don't have the wisdom or experience they do, period. And I agree with the previous poster that said the age thing is probably creepy for them. People generally don't expect their child's mate to be in their peer group. Imagine if you had an 18 year old daughter that was dating a man in his 30's...
And yeah one marriage to an alcoholic is all it took for me to swear off A's and addicts (recovering or otherwise). For codependents, giving people second chances is a big part of the problem. 3 years of sobriety does not mean cured. Personally I'm not going to make the same mistake twice.
And yeah one marriage to an alcoholic is all it took for me to swear off A's and addicts (recovering or otherwise). For codependents, giving people second chances is a big part of the problem. 3 years of sobriety does not mean cured. Personally I'm not going to make the same mistake twice.
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I am glad you have found a place of peace, Tatertot. I am sorry your parents don't want to meet him. Everyone has their own reasons for doing things. Perhaps one day they will let down their guard but until then, keep seeing them because you don't know how long you will have them.
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live
I am glad you have found a place of peace, Tatertot. I am sorry your parents don't want to meet him. Everyone has their own reasons for doing things. Perhaps one day they will let down their guard but until then, keep seeing them because you don't know how long you will have them.
Don't worry, lol! I WORK with my dad, so I see him practically EVERY day! And my mom comes in to visit at least once a week.... so I see my folks VERY frequently. In fact I even played "hookie" one day last week to sneak in a round of golf with my mom...
But that does sort of make it all the harder because we are very close. I want to be able to invite my SO to our family dinners and special occasions... and I guess with some patience it may happen one day. Perseverance in everything, right?
Btw, his family absolutely LOVES me. His mom and step-dad invite me over all the time and we also see his dad and his gf quite frequently (he is 78 and she is 44!). In fact we are all getting together this Friday to celebrate my SO's birthday! But it's THAT kind of an occasion that I would like to invite my parents to as well... and that part makes me sad.
My mom has said that she is happy if I'm happy... so maybe I'll see if I can convince her to go out for lunch with me and my SO one day this summer... that might be a start...
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