Help!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 2
Help!
Hi Everyone,
I am new to SoberRecovery Forums and I joined because I need some help! I don't actually have a problem with alcohol, but my boyfriend does. We have been together for 3 years now and alcohol has always been an issue. I have always been aware that he drank more than was healthy, but being away at University during our first year together, I didn't witness the extent of his dependency. It was when I returned home that I saw how serious his drinking habits were. I would meet up with him and often he would be his normal lovely self, but sometimes I wouldn't recognise who he was. His personality would change, he would be angry, argumentative and defensive and then regret it all the next day and say how sorry he was. I pointed out to him a couple of years ago that I felt he had a problem with alcohol but he didn't want to accept it at the time. We then went travelling together for 3 months and that is when it really came to light how serious things were. He was almost permanantly drunk, to the point where I would find him passed out at bars or outside the hostel and had to help him back to the room. One night, in Fiji, I found him propped up at the bar and helped him back to the room. When we got there, he became violent and tried to strangle me, punching things, throwing things at me. I had never seen him like that. The next day he didn't remember anything and he still doesn't to this day. It has been hard to deal with on my own. It is now a year and a half later and we are still together. He has never been violent towards me since, but he has often lapsed into binge drinking sessions when things go wrong or get him down, especially if we argue about something. I love him to pieces but I've started to realise that I need a bit of support from people in the same position as me, or from people that have suffered with alcoholism and can offer advice on how I can best help my boyfriend?? Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated!!
Sorry for the ramble!
I am new to SoberRecovery Forums and I joined because I need some help! I don't actually have a problem with alcohol, but my boyfriend does. We have been together for 3 years now and alcohol has always been an issue. I have always been aware that he drank more than was healthy, but being away at University during our first year together, I didn't witness the extent of his dependency. It was when I returned home that I saw how serious his drinking habits were. I would meet up with him and often he would be his normal lovely self, but sometimes I wouldn't recognise who he was. His personality would change, he would be angry, argumentative and defensive and then regret it all the next day and say how sorry he was. I pointed out to him a couple of years ago that I felt he had a problem with alcohol but he didn't want to accept it at the time. We then went travelling together for 3 months and that is when it really came to light how serious things were. He was almost permanantly drunk, to the point where I would find him passed out at bars or outside the hostel and had to help him back to the room. One night, in Fiji, I found him propped up at the bar and helped him back to the room. When we got there, he became violent and tried to strangle me, punching things, throwing things at me. I had never seen him like that. The next day he didn't remember anything and he still doesn't to this day. It has been hard to deal with on my own. It is now a year and a half later and we are still together. He has never been violent towards me since, but he has often lapsed into binge drinking sessions when things go wrong or get him down, especially if we argue about something. I love him to pieces but I've started to realise that I need a bit of support from people in the same position as me, or from people that have suffered with alcoholism and can offer advice on how I can best help my boyfriend?? Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated!!
Sorry for the ramble!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((marilyn)) - Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what has brought you here. You may want to check out the friends & family forum, too, as it is full of people who loved alcoholics/addicts:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I'm both a recovering addict (RA) and have loved ones who are still active, and SR has been a huge help to be with all of it.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I'm both a recovering addict (RA) and have loved ones who are still active, and SR has been a huge help to be with all of it.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Marilyn, it will probably get worse unless he seeks recovery.
Al-Anon will be able to help you. At your young age I would leave this guy and look elsewhere for a healthy lasting relationship.
You said you knew that alcohol was always an issue from the beginning .... next time it would be wise to choose one that doesn't have an obvious problem. Al-Anon can help you with that as well.
All the best.
Bob R
Al-Anon will be able to help you. At your young age I would leave this guy and look elsewhere for a healthy lasting relationship.
You said you knew that alcohol was always an issue from the beginning .... next time it would be wise to choose one that doesn't have an obvious problem. Al-Anon can help you with that as well.
All the best.
Bob R
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
Welcome to SR!
Here's a clue (from my personal experience), whether or not he remembers what he's done in a blackout, doesn't mean it won't happen again when he's in another blackout. That line has been crossed once, it will most likely be crossed again. Hopefully you won't be injured this next time. No telling when it will occur, either.
As long as he doesn't see himself having a problem, there will be no changes. It's up to you to decide if this is how you want your future to be. It hurts to think this way. I do understand. I've been in your shoes and abuse, like alcoholism, only progresses.
Family and Friends Forum and Al Anon may help you!
Glad you are here!
Hugs,
Here's a clue (from my personal experience), whether or not he remembers what he's done in a blackout, doesn't mean it won't happen again when he's in another blackout. That line has been crossed once, it will most likely be crossed again. Hopefully you won't be injured this next time. No telling when it will occur, either.
As long as he doesn't see himself having a problem, there will be no changes. It's up to you to decide if this is how you want your future to be. It hurts to think this way. I do understand. I've been in your shoes and abuse, like alcoholism, only progresses.
Family and Friends Forum and Al Anon may help you!
Glad you are here!
Hugs,
A girl can dream...
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Recovery Road
Posts: 388
Hi Marilyn,
First of all you're not rambling and welcome to SR. Second, from experience, some drunk people can be fun and silly, while others can become mean and violent. I fall into the second category - the mean part, not violent. I blame myself and my alcoholic husband for our situation and when I drink I say some pretty awful things - most of which I don't remember the next day. I have to be informed by my husband of what I said and did. On that note we both recently quit drinking together. Recently meaning yesterday.
My oldest daughter and her ex also both got mean when drinking (only when alone together, not in front of people). This went on for a couple of years - things getting thrown at each other, doors being slammed on arms trying to get into the apartment after a fight. It was a vicious circle that has finally ended , Thank God. My daughter has moved on and is looking for love without alcohol.
My advice to you is this - if he was violent once, it is likely to happen again. It may be sooner or it may be way down the road, but the fact is it will happen again. I don't think you should be putting your safety at risk unless he comes to terms with the fact that it happened and maybe he needs to go talk to someone about an underlying problem he has. It wasn't like he threw a cushion or the remote across the room (which would still be unacceptable) - the man tried to strangle you. Be strong and look out for yourself.
My thoughts are with you...
First of all you're not rambling and welcome to SR. Second, from experience, some drunk people can be fun and silly, while others can become mean and violent. I fall into the second category - the mean part, not violent. I blame myself and my alcoholic husband for our situation and when I drink I say some pretty awful things - most of which I don't remember the next day. I have to be informed by my husband of what I said and did. On that note we both recently quit drinking together. Recently meaning yesterday.
My oldest daughter and her ex also both got mean when drinking (only when alone together, not in front of people). This went on for a couple of years - things getting thrown at each other, doors being slammed on arms trying to get into the apartment after a fight. It was a vicious circle that has finally ended , Thank God. My daughter has moved on and is looking for love without alcohol.
My advice to you is this - if he was violent once, it is likely to happen again. It may be sooner or it may be way down the road, but the fact is it will happen again. I don't think you should be putting your safety at risk unless he comes to terms with the fact that it happened and maybe he needs to go talk to someone about an underlying problem he has. It wasn't like he threw a cushion or the remote across the room (which would still be unacceptable) - the man tried to strangle you. Be strong and look out for yourself.
My thoughts are with you...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
all of the speaches and pleas to me about my drinking didnt help me. walking away from me and letting me learn on my own was the best move anyone i was in a relationship ever did for themselves(IMO).
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
Welcome Marilyn 
I know you'll find a lot of help and support here - I'm glad you've joined us.
I hope you will check out the family and friends forum here too - there's a lot of great reading at the top of the forum.
I hope you will consider your own well being and your own future in all of this.
Violence is never ok IMO drunk or sober.
D
I know you'll find a lot of help and support here - I'm glad you've joined us.
I hope you will check out the family and friends forum here too - there's a lot of great reading at the top of the forum.
I hope you will consider your own well being and your own future in all of this.
Violence is never ok IMO drunk or sober.
D
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome...
It's my expereince and observation that not all loves are meant
to be forever....especially when they turn toxic
hope you find harmony and peace in your future ..
It's my expereince and observation that not all loves are meant
to be forever....especially when they turn toxic
hope you find harmony and peace in your future ..
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 181
i have a drink problem and at 1 point i would mix wine and lager and it always made me violent and i physically attacked my boyfriend so i just stayed on lager and havnt been violent since then which was about 3 year ago. luckily my boyfriend stuck by me but i still have a problem and unfortunately no matter how many times he told me i had a problem i ignored him then out of the blue it hit me like a ton of bricks and i broke down and contacted my doctor instantly and now im getting detox. iv said it so many times on here about this but he can have eveyone in his life who he loves try to tell him he has a problem but he wont listen. iv resulted in lying and being selfish in order to get drink and even though i felt guilt my main priority was drink(iv borrowed money off my mam, made out it was for stuff for the house when really it was drink yet iv told her the truth since i admitted having a problem and she has been suppotive, and my boyfriend has resulted in taking loans to pay bills as i drink all the money we have). one day hes more than likely hit rock bottom and realise he has a problem but its up to you wether you stick with him until he finally gets to that point, it took me 9 years so are you willing to wait years? from experience he needs to be the one to realise himself, he will not be able to stop through pressure from loved ones hes need to hit the point where he knows himself he needs to stop.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 2
Thanks for the advice everyone, strangely, he did actually hit rock bottom yesterday and has come out and admitted everything to myself, his sister and his parents. He has said he would like medical help for his problems and his parents have arranged for him to have a long consultation with a dr today at a hospital that focuses on addictions and depression. I know it is going to be a long and difficult road ahead but I am so relieved that finally, someone else knows what is going on and that he is going to get the professional help that I can't give him.
I am under no illusions that his addiction may never come up as a problem again, but for now, I am so pleased that something positive is finally happening. His mum said he has had problems with depression for 10 years now, which I knew, and that the addiction to alcohol has developed as a coping mechanism. Having suffered depression myself, at least I can identify with one part of his illness. As for the alcohol addiction, I am just going to support him as best as I can through his treatment and see what happens with our relationship afterwards. I have also told my parents and this has greatly lifted a weight off my shoulders now that I have someone to share it with.
Pray for him people! Or just wish me (and him) luck...
I am under no illusions that his addiction may never come up as a problem again, but for now, I am so pleased that something positive is finally happening. His mum said he has had problems with depression for 10 years now, which I knew, and that the addiction to alcohol has developed as a coping mechanism. Having suffered depression myself, at least I can identify with one part of his illness. As for the alcohol addiction, I am just going to support him as best as I can through his treatment and see what happens with our relationship afterwards. I have also told my parents and this has greatly lifted a weight off my shoulders now that I have someone to share it with.
Pray for him people! Or just wish me (and him) luck...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 181
thats fantastic news. when people realise they have a problem and admit it to everyone the more likely they are to succeed in it whereas if he only went for help just to get youse off his back then in a few weeks he might of turned round and thought "stuff it im having a drink because it wasnt me who wanted to stop". its fantastic to see you sticking by him aswell and i have total respect for you as my boyfriend has put up with my crap for so many years (like i said hes had to get loans out for me,hes doing a training course which hes struggling to get his head into as he constantly has money worries and has to sort stuff out in the house when he gets home from work because iv just sat on me fat arse allday) yet hes never given up on me. i wish youse all the best and have a good life together, take care
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