DJ0822

My 23 yo son has been clean for 20 days following 21-day in patient rehab for pills, pot, heroin and alcohol. Is doing AA nearly every day and has sponsor who he seems to text and talk with almost every hour. Has been very vocal with me since rehab, talking about his 100% commitment to staying sober, talking about he can't believe what an as* he was while using, how he knows he has an addictive personality, etc Also seems to be truly living and breathing the things he learned in rehab. In first week home, landed a job which he started this past Monday. Doesn't like the job much, but says he won't quit unless he has something else lined up cuz he has a 1-yo daughter and hasn't been acting like a man (my hubby and I have been buying formula, diapers, etc and always present when she is with our son. He has 50/50 custody. Continues to vocalize how fortunate he is that we hung in there and took care of his daughter while he was being a jerk, and how happy he is to now enjoy her in a "clearer" mind. Says he know he has a long long road to go to be "normal" on his foggy drug-induced mind, but he's so grateful he had the chance to save himself. Background-- he admits to having used pot for past 6 years ago, drinking too much at times, but around March, we knew it was more. He was much more argumentative, lying, and suddenly had cash. We got info about an IP rehab and sat him down to give ultimatum - go to rehab or move out. He moved out. Spent weeks on couches of friends. Kept texting me that I had it all wrong and was overreacting. My response "let me know when you're ready to go to rehab. Otherwise, don't call me"
Hubby and I took over baby care, allowing him only 1 hour with her in same room. He refused, saying we can't keep him from his daughter. I said "oh yeah? They don't give visitation to addict fathers, so go complain to whoever you want.". He backed off. Swore to get clean himself.
On May 10, he texts me to ask if rehab offer is still open to him. Although my heart is dancing for joy, I asked him why now. Cuz if he got arrested or had some escape need, I wasn't going to jump. But he said he knew he was messed up and had to clean up or risk permanently losing his daughter and our family's love.
So, fast forward to last night. My son and I had plans together last night at 6 At 445 he texted he can't go, sorry, was very busy. Wouldnt say what he was busy with. When I got home at 9 pm, he came home a bit later. I asked him if he was with his sponsor and he gave me that all-too-familiar attitude and said he really needs me to stop questioning him, he needs his own space, etc., he resents my implying that he was doing something, blah blah blah.
Early this am he stays in bed and sends a text to me that he called out for work, been up suck all night, doesn't know what he ate that made him sick, same old crap. All day he has been testy and rude, telling me I'm the one who has the problem cuz I'm upset that he's back to his old ways and tone. He denies. Said if I don't believe him, make him take pee test. Went to store to buy it, comes home and starts unwrapping the box. I said not now, I will let you know when you'll pee test. Figured if swung by some buddy's house while out buying pee test, I'm the fool. So I will spring it on him unannounced.

Questions to those who know - guess the writings on the wall, right? Should I make him take test now - how long does 'clean' pee store? If its positive, kick him out tonight? If its negative, how can I believe that.

I am at wits end. My hubby is out of town on business, so it's just son and me here. I am disabled so I can't run out to his car or his bedroom without his assistance. I have been wallowing all day, furious with him and feeling so stuck. He has been watching TV all day, refuses to sit and talk or be with me. And I sit here with the rehab invoice for the last $5K and feel like I'm in a crazy bin.

He has zero cash but a**hole friends who would gladly give him something. Although I thought he swore them off, now I think I've been fooled once again.

Ann

DJ, this sounds so much how my life was a few years back.

Ditch the drug tests and trust your instinct, they can't manipulate instinct.

If he is disrespectful and dishonest living in your home. that's enough to ask him to move on. You will wear yours self out trying to prove he is using and he will wear himself out trying to convince you he's not. There are no winners in that game.

The Salvation Army program is free and very good. I wouldn't spend another nickel on rehab, if he wants it he can go there.

My heart and prayers go out for you. I know how hard this is and my experience is that it doesn't get better until we start taking care of ourselves and set boundaries about what is and is not acceptable for anyone living in your home...and then be prepared to enforce them.

Hugs

kmangel

IMO the defensive attitude is a red flag. When my son relapsed, it was prefaced with a sudden talkativeness about his drug using days. I liked what I was hearing as I thought it was part of his recovery. He even seemed to be seeking God. A friend told me people on drugs can seem spiritual. Whatever it was, I came to realize he was using again. He would get angry with me if I questioned him. He wanted me to think I was out of line for suspecting him. Once I figured out the game he was playing with me I decided he must move out.

I think he is doing better now that he must rely on himself to sink or swim. My husband and I were keeping him from taking responsibility for his life. It was very easy for him to deceive us.

tomsteve

IMO, relapse ends with a drink/drug.

Tinks65

trust your instincts, for me; my sons descent into drug use was gradual. Starting with pot towards the end of his senior year and progressing to heroin ... strung out, holding up a pharmacy, swat team called, arrest, incarceration. I realized then that I didn't know who he was anymore I hadn't known him for years.

He came back to his faith in jail ... as I spoke to him over the months and visited him I came to recognize the boy I raised. He came home upon release and we had eight months until he relapsed. This time it was different in that I recognized the addict almost immediately. It didn't matter whether he passed a drug test or not, I didn't argue with him ... I just told him "you can't hide from me anymore" I know who my son is, and you aren't him. As he tried to argue I simply said "all I know is that I'm looking at a drug addict in active addiction" I was right, he quit arguing. I set boundaries, he left, has struggled in and out of active addiction since. He has been homeless, lived in a shelter, couch surfed, and is presently living in a tent but has a job. I haven't heard from him in a week.

I pray he's well, and clean. It's all I can really do. I've also come to realize it's the most powerful thing I can do. My higher power is God... He's real, He answers prayers, not always on my timeline and sometimes He says no, or not now but I believe with my whole heart that He loves me and my son perfectly. He has already brought good out of this awful nightmare in many different ways and I know that ultimately He will prevail and be glorified through it all ....

ok down off my soapbox ... sorry for the preaching, I just get a bit weary of the sometimes vague references to one's higher powers ... Mine is anything but vague

amaslow

OMG.. It is a wonder we are not all institutionalized!! This is like living in hell,,, It is like trying to be a mind detective..You are disabled and he acts like that!! Sounds like my kids..If his attitude is not humble than he might as well be relapsed. They can beat the drug tests and also swear up and down that they are wrong!! Another false positive!!.. God bless you..

Ilovemysonjj

Hi, your gut is always right. Don't second guess. You know your own child. I didn't listen to my gut too many times. There is a wonderful post from Kind Eyes about "gaslighting". Take a read as it will really help all us Codie Moms in understanding how our kids manipulate us so deftly.

DJ0822

Thank you all. I am feeling better now. Since I posted, I told him to hit the road NOW. this was after another round of hearing how I'm the one with the problem, how dare I accuse him, blah blah blah. Said other unbelievably cruel things and so I told him I don't need tests, my real son is gone again. Told him to just go. He left, and my savior husband happened to call me to see how my day was going. I broke down and let it all out. I was really trying to wait til he gets home tomo night, but his timing was perfect. I needed him and he knew it. It's only half a load to shoulder now, and I love my hubby for sharing this pain with me tonight, even tho he has one more day of a conference which he is chairing. That's why I wanted to wait til tomo night. So now son is gone, went to his bio father's house to stay, texting me all night that I should check myself into a hospital, that I don't know what I'm doing to him (victim again), and someday maybe I will realize it. But I KNOW I'm not the problem. My limited visits to Nar-anon taught me about boundaries. I think I get it, but I needed a support team to push me tonight! I trust my gut. I texted him back "call rehab and get back on track. For yourself. For your daughter. Goodbye".
I feel some sense of calm. Thank you all.

DJ0822

How do I find that "gas lighting" post? Thanks.

crazybabie

:ghug3 I know that was hard for you I am glad your feeling good about it and glad your hubby called right when you needed him.

Katiekate

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...addiction.html

this one???

Kindeyes

My son has been through two in patient and two out patient programs. My son would emerge and I would get glimpses of the wonderful person he is when sober. He would be open and his "light" would shine. When relapse occurred, he became secretive and dark. The "light" was extinguished.

I'm sorry that you are dealing with this. It is heartbreaking for a parent. Take care of you. Pain is a valuable teacher for our adult children. But for some reason, parents will endure ridiculous amounts of anguish for their offspring. It's a human thing because I don't think it happens in nature. Once offspring are grown.....any other species lets their offspring go.

gentle hugs
ke

Ilovemysonjj

Dear DJ0822, I admire your strength and love for your son. To stand firm while your husband is away and do what is right for you and your grandaughter (and your son.) We have all been where you are and are here for you now.
Hugs,
Teresa

outtolunch

Gawd Ann, this really hits the ole nail on the head. Somehow most of us have allowed this sort of behavior and called it support all in the name of recovery. What were we thinking?

Chino

I'm with you, too! The last time my daughter was rude to me, she was shown the door within minutes, and she hadn't relapsed either. I used to put up with that crap out of fear, though I thought it was love. NO MORE.

DJ, you're your own best advocate and you did a great job! Keep on and don't look back!