how much support to give during home recovery

Old 06-21-2012, 09:56 AM
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how much support to give during home recovery

My son has not used in about 5 days. Our insurance would not pay for inpatient rehab and he is supposed to start IOP next week. He is home all day as he has lost his job. I am on vacation from work the rest of the week and next week. I have many things to do but he is taking up alot of my time. My question is how much support should I give him during this recovery? I have so much to do and he frequently takes up my time wanting to talk, complaining about his insomnia, anxiety, etc. I am trying to be supportive but cannot spend the next week only worrying about what he's going through. But then I feel like if I put him off or ignore him he just thinks about using. He is very depressed, lonely,and anxious. I know everyone will tell me he will use no matter what. But my real question is can my constant attention hurt him, is that enabling? He is holed up in his room sleeping or watching TV. He wont go to meetings right now because he has enormous shame
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Old 06-21-2012, 10:02 AM
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Well, I'm answering my own post. I just read Grizz's Its not my job post. I guess it's not my job to help my son through this. Do I tell him that? Won't he feel abandoned? Will he think that means I don't care if he uses or no?
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Old 06-21-2012, 10:07 AM
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Not using for 5 days is not recovery.
Holing up in a room sleeping and watching TV is not recovery.
Feeling shame to avoid going to meetings is an excuse.

Thinking that making yourself available to him and his needs will keep his mind off using is a codependent fantasy.

Is there any reason why finding another job is not his full time job, right now?
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Old 06-21-2012, 10:13 AM
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"I can help you find the solutions you need, but I'm not the solution and can't do the work for you."

I read something very close to that when I first came to this site.
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Old 06-21-2012, 10:22 AM
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When he wants to engage you in conversation, I would steer the conversation to meetings. People at the meetings do understand. Try to encourage him to go to the meetings. That is support not enabling. Best wishes!
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Old 06-21-2012, 10:30 AM
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Outtolunch,

As far as the job, I thought it was more important to do the IOP which will be 45 minutes away, 9 to 4 was more important. Maybe I'm wrong. He wanted to go get a new job immediately but I believe just to have the funds for drugs. Believe it or not, he is not a lazy person. He always worked hard, had the current job about 18 months and worked overtime, just to spend all his money on drugs since February of this year. Should I demand he get a job which in the line of work he was doing would either be steady daylight or alternating shifts and not do the IOP? Or do the shorter IOP 9 hours a week?
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Old 06-21-2012, 10:49 AM
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I know many of you have years of experience with addicts and appreciate your wisdom. But my son is 20 years old, depressed, coming off of drugs, anxiety ridden, full of shame, guilt, suffered a horrible tragedy in February which proceded this drug use. He does not go out to party. He clearly is self medicating depression and anxiety. He is also a liar, a manipulator and a thief as addicts are. I don't have my head in the sand about that He is starting on an SSRI for the depression and anxiety and has quit drugs, albeit he is only 5 days in. Am I wrong to be concerned about him? Should I not view 5 days as better than none? If I wouldn't have intervened to the extent that I have, he would still be using. Maybe it wasn't HIS idea to initially stop but if I waited for that he would be dead. Should I throw a 20 year old, depressed, anxious man whose beloved uncle (who by the way NEVER used a drug in his life) just blew his head off with a shot gun out on the streets if he fails? I have started therapy as has my son. I know I have enabled him in the past and will surely make mistakes and do so in the future. Maybe someday I will choose not to have a relationship with him. But right now I will fight for him, I wont just surrender my son to the streets and drugs without putting up one hell of a fight. If that is enabling, if I'm codependent then I will own that.
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Old 06-21-2012, 11:03 AM
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Sadmabel, of course you love your son. Watch his actions , not his words and definitely insure that he seeks counseling. I am so sorry to hear that you suffered a tragic loss in your family.
Your story is mine just two short years ago when my son first got addicted to heroin. I hope and pray he embraces this chance for help that you are giving him. Please keep reading and keep seeking guidance. Heroin is a terrible terrible drug that changes our children's brains,emotions and thoughts.
Hugs and I feel your pain, I really do...
Teresa
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Old 06-21-2012, 12:09 PM
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I would like some opinions on the job thing. Would it be better for my son to get a full time job and do a little less outpatient treatment or should he go to the longest treatment hours we can get? I don't know. I thought not having a steady paycheck for a month or 2 may decrease temptation. Someone on here said alot of addicts simply run out of money and that it the start of quitting.
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Old 06-21-2012, 12:56 PM
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We payed for our son's IOP a couple years ago when he was 19. I don't remember him going all day, every day.
He did learn all of his recovery tools there. Each time he relapsed after that, he knew where to go and who to call when he was ready to join the living again.
One thing I would do over is have him move into a sober living environment after IOP. The structure, curfew, mandatory meetings, mandatory work, etc, seemed to help my boy alot.
I took him back in after each "bottom" and we had a 4 month on 2 month off cycle repeating for a couple years. I kicked him out 3 times.
Last time, we all agreed that an SLE would be a better option.

He has been in a very active recovery for a little over a year now. He even has 3 sponsees.

It's very comforting for now, but I know he's one bad decision from throwing it all away. That's why I still read here several times a week.

IMO about the job thing: If he is doing full time IOP and working an active recovery, let him do just that if you're willing to carry him financially for a little while longer.

If it's part time IOP with meetings here and there, a part time job would be in order.

The key part in this lies in the boundaries you create for your own recovery.

I was addicted to my addict. Probably still am. Just way more educated about the process now.
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Old 06-21-2012, 01:01 PM
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For my ex, running out of money was barely a blip on his radar. He stole from me, emptied my account several times. He stole my possessions and pawned them. He stole from my family, his family, his job. He shoplifted, pickpocketed, sold drugs, stole from the big dealers.. Etc etc. Eventually it's not up to you whether he's working or not, that's his decision and IMO you shouldn't be influencing him one way or another. BUT I will say that I'm in the UK so the benefits system here is very different- will you be paying for his living expenses while he's not working? And if you're telling him not to work, is the motivation for that 'if he's got no money he can't buy drugs'? Because that sounds a bit like an attempt at control, to me at least. I understand you have the best of intentions but sometimes what seems best isn't always.
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Old 06-21-2012, 01:15 PM
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Hi SadMabel, after my sons second relapse last spring, we let him move back home and he was supposedly involved in an IOP. During this time (he was 21) , he didn't have a job, he was supposedly looking. He ended up selling his suboxone for drugs and began stealing from us. We thought he was seeking recovery, because he was going to IOP and he was going to AA, but he wasn't serious about recovery. After he got out of in patient rehab, he moved to SLE. There he got a job and that is when the temptation overtook him again. I was paying for the SLE and giving him some basic food money and necessities (bus pass, grocery store card, clothing). He relapsed within 2 months and I feel that working gave him the money to buy that first hit again. After that, he stole again. There really is no easy way to go about this. I would encourage his participation in recovery and watch his actions very closely.
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Old 06-21-2012, 01:47 PM
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The program is 9 to 4, 4 days a week. I guess it's called a day partial program. When my son lost his job, he immediately freaked out that he had to find another. In my heart, I know he was worried about having money for drugs. I gave him his insurance card and told him to look for and call about treatment. I had previously been looking into it but knew he had to do that himself. His living expenses are minimal. He does not have a car payment, he has a cell phone bill. The phone is in my name. I have blocked most numbers but ours. I will pay the 50 dollars a month for that. If I notice new numbers being called or any suspicious activity, I will turn it off. He has food and shelter here and I will be putting gas in the car for his IOP, not giving him cash. He rarely goes out with friends. I won't give him money to do so.Doesn't have a girlfriend to take out on dates. I am fully aware he may start stealing for money. I am trying to take this one day at a time. If he doesn't attend IOP, of course things will have to change. I am really afraid that money in his hands right now is not a good thing.
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Old 06-21-2012, 02:52 PM
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Hi SM, agreed, no money in his hands.
Good luck, keep strong and remember, HE has to want recovery for himself and for no other reason. Treatment isn't a magic pill (though I wish it was). This is a lifelong battle he will have to face and learn how to deal with.
We are all in support and hope for you and your family
Hugs
TT
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Old 06-21-2012, 04:17 PM
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Originally Posted by sadmabel View Post

If I wouldn't have intervened to the extent that I have, he would still be using. Maybe it wasn't HIS idea to initially stop but if I waited for that he would be dead.
I resembled this attitude. I used my actions towards my daughter's recovery to validate me. It was an ego trip. I eventually came to grips that short of tying her down in a locked room ( a crime) there was nothing I could do to keep her clean or cause her to relapse.

It's unhealthy for anyone to hole up in their bedroom and sleep /watch TV all day. Life does not get put on hold just because of addiction or recovery. What about the other 16 hours a day? There are a million opportunities to volunteer...give back...make a small difference.
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Old 06-21-2012, 04:22 PM
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Why can't he work part-time after the IOP at night? And why does he need a phone?
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Old 06-21-2012, 04:26 PM
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Sadmabel, I went through this for years and years with my son. He would live at home and for many reasons, it would not work out and he would have to leave...then next time I thought things would be different, but they never were no matter how many promises he made.

It sounds like your son needs help, for his depression and for his addiction. He should talk to his doctor or one who specializes in addiction and he should go to meetings of find a program that works for him...or he should get a job. Sitting around doing nothing is terribly unhealthy behaviour, and I don't think I'd allow it in my home.

I don't have any easy answers for you, what didn't work for me may work for you, but sadly I think that the more we make life comfortable for our sons and allow them to do nothing to help themselves, the more we hurt them. The original owner of this site used to say to me and other codie mamas..."You just might love him right into his grave". He was right. If love could cure them not one of us would be here.

I will keep you and your son in my prayers because I know how sad and painful this situation is.

Hugs
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Old 06-21-2012, 06:40 PM
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I am also in a similar situation in that I'm not quite sure how much financial support to lend to my son who is in a sober living house. He has been on numerous interviews but has not landed a job. He had a job for 3 days but they felt he could not keep up. he was down and embarrassed he had lost the job, especially since he told everyone he had a job. he never had a problem landing a job but now he is in nyc and it is tougher. Had another interview today so we will see what happens. I want to support his recovery by paying for the sober living facility because i feel it has helped tremendously. on his 90 day anniversary (in 2 weeks) he goes back to the rehab to talk with the clients there - that's part of the living arrangement. I don't want to take that away from him. He's not asking for money other than for me to buy a subway card and snacks. it's hard because i don't want to enable him which is something i did all the time in the past. but in the same token, i don't want him to have to leave this sober house and the people who take him to meetings, encourage him, support him. no easy answers.
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Old 06-21-2012, 06:56 PM
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Allthatsgood, he's trying to get a job and supporting by paying for sober living when he is doing work to stay sober is not enabling from where I sit.

The thing is, "they" have to try to help themselves. SM's son isn't trying...and I say that kindly because if he has serious depression issues it may be too hard...but he can try by seeing a doctor and addressing it.

Again, as a mom of an addict son, my heart goes out to all mamas going through this.

Hugs
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Old 06-21-2012, 07:23 PM
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Sabmabel will be signing out. My son has seen 2 doctors and a therapist in the past week. He called to set up an outpatient program. He has not used in 5 days, which I'm sure involved some "trying". He has started on an SSRI for depression and anxiety. He has not had a job since last Friday. I am not looking for a ego boost by talking to my son and trying to help him through this. I'm looking for him to get better. Some of you expect me to feel guilty for talking to my depressed son who is trying to quit drugs. He'll get a job after he gets his health straightened out and goes to treatment. I know....i'm enabling, I'm killing him, he'll never get better until I throw him on the street. Maybe you're right but I'm not going to do that. Neither his therapist or mine or his doctors felt that was what I should do. BTW, both of our therapists are substance abuse specialists with 25+ years experience. It is shameful to treat a person you came here looking for advice like some of you have.
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