I keep thinking "what if I am wrong?"
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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I keep thinking "what if I am wrong?"
I keep thinking what if my husband really was able to just throw out all his stuff and go cold turkey. He has been holding down a job. What if I am taking the kids dad away from them and throwing out our family unnecessarily? I think maybe he isn't a typical addict and we can't be "those people". I wrestle with the demon of "what if". Maybe he has really changed and I am overreacting. I keep thinking about the good times, the nice things he has done for me, the loving gestures.
But that voice deep inside, the one that keeps making me go forward, puting plan into action when I feel half numb. The one that made me put a lease on a house, see a lawyer, open my own bank account. The one that reminds me that addicts lie about recovery even when they believe their own lies, that I can't see him. The voice that reminds me of all the times we have fought, that he went for the emotional jugular-even before the substance abuse. the times he called me a non contributing member of the family because I was a stay home mom though during those times the only thing he contributed was a paycheck and yard work. How once I got a career he brow beat me because I couldn't keep up with this huge house while still doing the bulk of the parenting work, and when I pointed out that I was now working 40+ hours a week, he would throw his larger paycheck in my face and accuse me of not appreciating him, the house..etc. I worked 12 hour overnight shifts to accommodate more time with the kids and take care of all the stuff: school meetings, doc appts, after school activities, errands, helping with homework...etc. he complained that I was always tired and sleeping during the day, that I wasn't home enough at night and wasnt giving him enough sex. I don't care about him or appreciate him, he would whine.
. I figure a lot of this was his way of keeping me off guard, of manipulating me. If I was always off center with his conflicting demands maybe I wouldn't notice that he was getting high or disappearing all day with his cousin on my few weekend days off or doing some stupid thing to alienate yet another friend or family member.
Yet he can be so charming and sweet. My mom says he could talk a tick off a dog. He is one of those people. It creates almost two of him in my mind. But damn it I'm just wore out. Going to see the lawyer today about serving him with divorce papers. I will really miss a lot of things, but over the past 4 years he has really tipped the scale towards things I wont miss. Maybe I am wrong and sobriety will stick and maybe I just don't care anymore. Another state another big giant cage... Err I mean house... In another nice neighborhood with all new people for him to **** off and a new job for me to disappoint him with my hours and more stuff for me to not appreciate him over, more sex I no longer want to give because no matter what I give it is never ever enough.
In the end maybe I just want to be free, and that is what makes me feel so selfish. I just want to exist in my own skin and find my own peace.
Sorry this is so rambly. I think best when I write stuff out.
But that voice deep inside, the one that keeps making me go forward, puting plan into action when I feel half numb. The one that made me put a lease on a house, see a lawyer, open my own bank account. The one that reminds me that addicts lie about recovery even when they believe their own lies, that I can't see him. The voice that reminds me of all the times we have fought, that he went for the emotional jugular-even before the substance abuse. the times he called me a non contributing member of the family because I was a stay home mom though during those times the only thing he contributed was a paycheck and yard work. How once I got a career he brow beat me because I couldn't keep up with this huge house while still doing the bulk of the parenting work, and when I pointed out that I was now working 40+ hours a week, he would throw his larger paycheck in my face and accuse me of not appreciating him, the house..etc. I worked 12 hour overnight shifts to accommodate more time with the kids and take care of all the stuff: school meetings, doc appts, after school activities, errands, helping with homework...etc. he complained that I was always tired and sleeping during the day, that I wasn't home enough at night and wasnt giving him enough sex. I don't care about him or appreciate him, he would whine.
. I figure a lot of this was his way of keeping me off guard, of manipulating me. If I was always off center with his conflicting demands maybe I wouldn't notice that he was getting high or disappearing all day with his cousin on my few weekend days off or doing some stupid thing to alienate yet another friend or family member. Yet he can be so charming and sweet. My mom says he could talk a tick off a dog. He is one of those people. It creates almost two of him in my mind. But damn it I'm just wore out. Going to see the lawyer today about serving him with divorce papers. I will really miss a lot of things, but over the past 4 years he has really tipped the scale towards things I wont miss. Maybe I am wrong and sobriety will stick and maybe I just don't care anymore. Another state another big giant cage... Err I mean house... In another nice neighborhood with all new people for him to **** off and a new job for me to disappoint him with my hours and more stuff for me to not appreciate him over, more sex I no longer want to give because no matter what I give it is never ever enough.
In the end maybe I just want to be free, and that is what makes me feel so selfish. I just want to exist in my own skin and find my own peace.
Sorry this is so rambly. I think best when I write stuff out.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 145
Erica, life is for living. It isn't for fulfilling an endless string of obligations while struggling to keep your sanity.
I had all those same doubts about my choice to divorce my ex, too. But, sometimes a relationship is just too far gone to save, whether addiction is a factor or not.
I had all those same doubts about my choice to divorce my ex, too. But, sometimes a relationship is just too far gone to save, whether addiction is a factor or not.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
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Sometimes, a person is just a jerk, using or not. He can still be a good father to his kids if he wants to. You don't have to live with him in order for that to happen. You deserve to have happiness in your life, too.
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Originally Posted by LuvMySis 
Erica, life is for living. It isn't for fulfilling an endless string of obligations while struggling to keep your sanity.
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This is from the "Toxic Attraction" thread that Anvil has going...this part is golden:
Every person deserves a dynamic, life-affirming partnership, but many of us settle for less, and as a result, we get a relationship, not a partnership. We stay with people we connect with or are attracted to, but who are not walking with us down life’s path as authentic partners—we aren’t supporting each other, enriching each other’s experiences, and nourishing each other’s spirit and heart.
When the relationship moves past the dating stage and in to the more serious living-life-together phase, unless it’s a partnership, you will find yourself dealing with life’s demands alone. Because we can, we forge ahead, attempting to carry the burden of the entire load, putting our own needs last and ending up tired as hell. My experience of doing it alone while in a relationship was that it had far too great a cost to my soul. No matter how attracted we are to a person, if they are dead weight, an emotionally empty vessel, or toxic sewage in our energy streams, then they have no place in our lives.
Every person deserves a dynamic, life-affirming partnership, but many of us settle for less, and as a result, we get a relationship, not a partnership. We stay with people we connect with or are attracted to, but who are not walking with us down life’s path as authentic partners—we aren’t supporting each other, enriching each other’s experiences, and nourishing each other’s spirit and heart.
When the relationship moves past the dating stage and in to the more serious living-life-together phase, unless it’s a partnership, you will find yourself dealing with life’s demands alone. Because we can, we forge ahead, attempting to carry the burden of the entire load, putting our own needs last and ending up tired as hell. My experience of doing it alone while in a relationship was that it had far too great a cost to my soul. No matter how attracted we are to a person, if they are dead weight, an emotionally empty vessel, or toxic sewage in our energy streams, then they have no place in our lives.
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