OCDDan

There doesn't seem to be an answer to why someone has that first drink when they are otherwise doing well every other day and know they shouldn't drink. They (I) normally know not to drink and can ward off the urges quite well, but then every once in a while the urge to drink comes and I want to say "it's not a big deal" and have some, without any thoughts of the consequences, when normally, I would think of the consequences. Every once in a while, the usuall thought about it being wrong, doesn't even occur to me. This seems so common but I don't see an explaination anywhere why it happens. There must be some medical or technical explaination why, just about everything else on earth seems to have one..

Dee74

For me it was because I *really* wanted to drink - just not suffer those negative consequences.

I was still hoping I'd find that mythical key to drinking normally...

Drink was my social life, it was my medicine, it was my fun, it was mood regulator....there's a lot of 'siren calls' there...and sorting out life with a drink can seem immense - I was a champion at rationalising reasons for a drink...

it can be a mine field in early recovery to negotiate all that.

Once I got into SR tho it became a lot harder just to blow things off and say 'ahhh...I'll pick it up tomorrow'

it was like being here made it serious and made me accountable you know?

D

DisplacedGRITS

For me, when those thoughts hit ("i can have one drink. I can moderate!") It's my ego getting out of line. I start to think that i'm above my alcoholism. I find that bringing my ego in balance by humbling myself ("one is too many and a thousand isn't enough") and reminding myself that alcoholism is a disease that i suffer from helps me. It doesn't bring me down because i don't dwell on it. My ego is still there because i've worked through another crave and i've maintained my sobriety. I've won another battle in the war and i still have my pride. The more i keep my life in balance, the more i find peace.

Midton

Personally I start to remember the good times, and boy were there a lot (at first). At the same time I start to forget the bad times, and boy were there a lot (in the end).

KnowHope

Alcoholism is a mental illness.

KnowHope

as an alcoholic, I am bodily and mentally different from non-alcoholics. what you're describing is commonly referred to in certain circles as the mental blank spot. it's why i can't rely on will power or even self-knowledge of myself of an alcoholic to keep me sober. at certain times it's as if i couldn't distinguish the true from the false and as such could raise no effective mental defense over the first drink, and of course i can't see that mental blank spot coming either. I could not manage the decision not to drink. there is another problem beyond not being able to stay stopped, it's that as an alcoholic it seems i have an abnormal physical reaction to alcohol as well. when i put alcohol into my body, it triggers the phenomenon of craving and i would lose control over the amount i drank. when these qualities were pointed out to me by another alcoholic speaking of themselves, i knew that these two things were true in me as well, as i could also attest to them from countless personal experiences. it was then that i finally understood that the delusion that i was like other people had to be smashed and that on my own power i would be totally screwed, in serious trouble, a dead man walking.

tomsteve

There are many situations which arise out of the phenomenon of craving which cause men to make the supreme sacrifice rather than continue to fight

MalkavianEmily

For me, it's as much about denial as anything else. "I don't have a problem, so it's ok for me to drink." Plus, I was a much nicer person when I was drunk. I liked that me. And I miss the feeling I used to get.
But today, I. Will. Not. Drink. I will stay sober, because I don't want to find out how bad things could get if I don't.

sugarbear1

Have you read the book Alcoholics Anonymous? There's a nice explanation in there!

aeo1313

I wonder the same thing. This happened to me Friday night. Out of the blue I was going to going to drink. Screw AA, forget being an alcoholic, etc. I had a moment of false clarity that I could be a drinker again. I did not act on the thought and waited and by the end of the night my thinking was back on track. It hit with such force though...glad I know I don't have to act on every whim that goes through my head!

oinobares

This perfectly describes my relapse. Difference is I actually went ahead and drank. Great that you mastered that illusion. I think I've learned a lot from my failure to do so.

aeo1313

It was scary how quickly I had the thought. Luckily there was still a sane part of me that texted a friend (I was at work) and at the same time my work got super busy so the thought was forced to the back.

OCDDan

Thanks everyone, your replies have been very helpfull to me while I attempt to understand this, the black hole that happens just before a relapse.

Weasel1966

I am in the midst of one now. I have the perfect opportunity and reasons for this evening to have a few. I almost got caught up in planning it.

I am thankful for this thread. I see what I was doing and will do something different because I see it.

Thank you!

I cannot believe that I was being led away so easily. I was blinded.

sugarbear1

I think it's a rush.

I had wasabi today.

DisplacedGRITS

Sometimes i wonder how many alcoholics alson enjoy eollercoasyers, lol. I adore the darn things! The thrill, the terror. The dizzying highs, the dramtic drops. The way you think "should i be doing this?" right as the coaster clicks at the apex and sends you on that first drop into the loop. And when you get off you knees are weak but you can't wait to get back on and do it again! A different kind of ush but there are similarities. Darn it. I wanna ride a rollercoaster now!

freshstart57

I drew a line in my mind and decided that any thought of ever drinking again would be thrown in a pile, along with the thoughts of losing my marriage, driving drunk and killing someone, losing my job, home, and finally my life. I then decided that those thoughts came from part of me that I don't have to listen to if I don't want to, the same way I don't do really immoral things even if the thought comes to me.

There are no conditions that have to be met for me to stay sober this way. I will never drink again, and I will never change my mind no matter what.

artsoul

I think it comes from years of letting alcohol control our thoughts. I really believed what my addiction told me and spent a lot of time planning around it, looking forward to it and finding ways to justify and minimize it. Those thoughts didn't automatically go away when I stopped drinking.

I still get them occasionally even after 2+ years, but nothing like early sobriety. I try to see them as just thoughts/feelings from the past, just part of the process of healing. It also reminds me to keep my recovery going on a daily basis and not underestimate the power of addiction.

MalkavianEmily

I came close to cracking. Was really upset about a wholebuncha things. I know it was just me being so on edge. But I really couldn't stand myself. Went for a walk, hoping I'd feel better, but half planning to come back with a bottle of vodka. I'd not quite made my mind up to get one, but at the same time...
As I left, I picked up the phone (well, mobile) and... after saying how 'tomorrow is day 1' I stopped talking and started listening. That helped. It helped a lot

I knew it was Catherine talking when I left, telling me how much nicer I was when I was drunk, and how I'd like myself so much more if I gave in, but it wasn't till I could talk to someone else that I started to think how it wouldn't solve anything, and I'd feel worse when it wore off. Then, she started on with the 'so, you're not listening to me?' talk. But, like I've said, I'm aware of her now. I know what she wants. She gets to me more than I'd like.
But talking helped. And because of that, I didn't crack. And for that, I'm grateful.

serious

these are all great replies. thank you.

and thank you, OCDDan, for asking this question.