Trilogy

I've been with my AH for 30 years- have decided in the past 3 years I can't interact with him while he's drunk, drinking, or smells like booze. He seemed to respect this boundary for awhile- either didn't drink around me or, more likely, hid it well. He has just started blatantly drinking in front of me and it quickly escalated to heavy daily use after work. I moved out of the bedroom 2 weeks ago and we have not talked much since- I simply can't communicate with him when he's drunk, and he's ALWAYS drunk. It's not even him anymore- like a demon possessed. I thought I was doing a pretty good job at detachment- focusing on positive things for myself, taking walks and doing yoga. Then tonight I found out he switched the business bank account to his name only- I no longer have access to view the account. I went off on him. I feel like a failure with gains I've made. How do you detach when your alcoholic's behavior directly affects your financially? I know I can't trust him. He wanted to use our home equity loan to buy a truck for the masonry business, I told him I didn't want to do that. I'm sure he's working on getting that truck anyway with a higher interest loan. I was always part of the business in the past and our money was always shared and accessible to both of us. I don't know what to do; I am so hurt and angry.

SoaringSpirits

I am going through legal separation with my AH of 16 years. We have a lot of assets and co-own a small corporation. I've initiated this process in order to protect myself legally and financially because I am seeing him start to circle the drain, and I don't want to be pulled down with him. It's not failing to detach to be smart and protect yourself.

What is your husband trying to keep from you by taking you off the business account?

I think you should go get a consult with an attorney . Find out your rights and where you stand. What you describe sounds alarming.

marie1960

So sorry Trilogy,

Time to start looking out for yourself.

Did he actually remove your name from an account? Or were you an authorized signer? In the state I reside, I could not remove someone's name from a joint account. I could only remove MY name. Did he forge your signature?

Can't trust an active alkie with finances, he will put you in the poor house for sure.

Sounds like it time you take care of some business matters.
Perhaps an attorney is in order.

Sending you support.

Trilogy

Thank you for responding- I feel like I'm going crazy. The account is for a corporation- "his" business but I had signing priveledges and could view the account with our other personal accounts. We both have a good relationship with the bank personnel- I'm not sure if it was correct of them to let him do it. I have found there is no such thing as a legal separation in PA, and I am just not emotionally ready for a divorce. Now I am lying here awake trying to decide if I should purchase health insurance for the both of us, or just me when our policy expires at the end of the month. On one hand, I feel like if he wants to start separating in this way and in the mindset of allowing him to take care of his own resposibilities, I should let him shop for and buy his own policy. On the other hand, I know that if he has a medical emergency and doesn't have health insurance it will affect me financially since we are married. I want to try to act with a clear head, but it is very hard.

Adventure

Hi Trilogy

Firstly, good for you on your detachment. It is so unbelievably hard to do, to resist getting sucked back in to the madness when the chaos on the A's side is still gong on. Please don't feel like a failure. We are human beings and we are never going to be perfect - Progress not Perfection is something I like to remind myself of regularly!!

I started detaching from my AH several years ago. While I like to think that for the most part I do a pretty good job of it (we are like two lodgers living under the one roof 98% of the time), I still find myself losing it with him from time to time.

Last night was a perfect example of this. I drove home from my Al Anon meeting, dreading what would greet me, but hoping I would be wrong. Arrived home, house in darkness - me thinking "Happy Days he's in bed". All seemed ok. Went upstairs to find some of his clothes on my bed (we are separate rooms for years now, most of our marriage in fact). When I went to move them they were SOAKED in urine. This had gone on to the clothes that I had left on the bed, and on to and through my duvet. I was absolutely furious and tore like the crazy woman his alcoholism has made me into his bedroom roaring and screaming! He was out cold so hadn't a clue what was going on when he woke of course - didn't remember any of it. Thankfully after about a minute the Al Anon part of my brain kicked in and I just got out of there - in times gone by I'd have been 20 minutes in there having a pointless argument.

Anyway, my point is, we all have slip-ups. There is no point beating ourselves over the head about it. Yours was for a very valid reason - your financial well-being. I can fully understand your reaction.

Today, you need to get your plan together about how you deal with what happened. Your anger over it will drive you on.

Hope this helps
Adventure

Hopeworks

Trilogy,

Alcoholism is progressive and sadly, without active recovery it will get worse. While you are not emotionally prepared for a divorce I would definately consult with an attorney about the future and its uncertainties with your marital assets, the business and your future liabilities.

You don't have to take any immediate action but knowledge can be powerful and liberating and help you start thinking in positive directions should the need arise.

Sorry you are going through this... keep working on the detachment! It worked for me.

SoloMio

If your name is on the home equity loan DO NOT SIGN UP for that truck--especially if he is making moves to de-authorize your involvement in the business. I can't tell you how much my signature on business documents has bitten me in the butt big time. My financial picture would be so much different right now if I had stuck to my guns and refused to sign on a home equity loan and his business loan.

I definitely agree with the advice on consulting with an attorney.

Thelma

Are you technically a co-owner in the business? Is your name on any loan documents? If so, get your name off them FAST!!! Make him refinance everything to get your name off. He's headed towards financial trouble and I'd hate to see you go with him. I would go to the bank and maybe try explaining the situation to a bank officer in private and see what can be done to preserve your credit and financial stability.

LITTLEREDBIRD

Yikes, be careful my friends husband just did the same thing to her and discovered it was him preparing himself before he filed to Divorce "her". All the money was in the business and he also took her name off all the credit cards.

Sounds like you may be in trouble, take action now!

Trilogy

Thank you everyone for your helpul posts. I am exhausted today after no sleep last night and working on getting some professional advise today. Although I am not ready for divorce, I am seeking a separation agreement. I hope that my AH will be receptive to this, as we need to agree to go together. I know I have to protect myself. I am walking on eggshells, obsessing over the best time to present this to him. I have thought about opening up my own, private bank account, but this seems like sinking to his level, being sneaky and manipulative. Just overwhelmed and not sure about the best action to take to protect myself. I would like to get through this with dignity, with the least amount of drama, and maybe even feeling good about myself.

dollydo

Protecting yourself is not sneaky...it's smart.

I am sorry that you are having to go through all this BS.

He is up to something, it will all unfold soon, keep your eyes and ears open.