Innerchild

Just started listing resentments and still on my mother...I have 64 resentments towards her and havent finished. I forgot that listing resentments can stir up the pot but at least I know I have my sponsor behind me and this should help me get rid of them. I should have like 20 pages when I am done. Grr....at least I am not drinking and numbing these resentments.

CraigA

Keep praying through all this asking for guidance and strength, it really does take work to be able to change and this is the beginning of it! Good for you for starting and just remember we are good human beings and our past will no loger haunt us or bring us down.

God bless you on your journey!!!

DisplacedGRITS

It's great that you're getting it all out on paper. I'm struggling with Step 4. I don't know if i just don't really resent anyone but myself or if i've just shoved it all so far down inside me that i'm having trouble bringing it up or am afraid to. It's a perplexing step. Are you feeling any better now that you're addressing the resentments instead of just letting them smoulder inside your soul?

Innerchild

I think I address them with my sponsor which she said will take a day maybe with mine five days lol. Now I am just pissed off lol but I know in the long run its worth it it works if you work it

DisplacedGRITS

True true! I think i've been avoiding it 'cause i don't like stirring my emotional pot. I need to buy a big tub of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream, buckle down and work it sometime, heh. Keep working it! I've heard from so many AAers that Step Four is a real b*tch but after that and Step Five they realized the importance of unloading that emotional baggage.

Innerchild

Thanks Grits. I have told myself that these resentments lead me to drink in the past and therapy has not helped rehash everything. On the plus side, my sponsor believes all the therapy Ive had has given me a lot of insight about myself so I am taking this on and know I have support through AA and even my therapist. I am tired of being labeled with a mental illness and my goal is to help others who struggle with dual diagnosis too. Good luck with the step. I heard the pain is temporary but once its done its liberating.

Gottalife

If its any help, I had the same problem. No real resentments, plenty of guilt, remorse, shame etc cos i knew i was in the wrong, but I have always felt that I was treated fairly by all whose path I crossed. Even when they had hurt me, I gave them good reason. The solution to resentment is forgiveness, so perhaps I forgave them as I went along.

But as I continued my AA journey it becam apparent that resentment was very common and very serious and people put a lot of store in this. So for years I doubted my own feelings and wondered if I might have some repressed memory issue or something. In the end I went to a psychologist about it. I had a dozen or so sessions in which we explored the possibilities and at the end he gave me a clean sheet. No sign or symptom of any repressed memory or child hood trauma.

Tha's not to say resentment isn't a problem in sobriety, but steps 10,11,12 deal with that.

Threshold

When I started my 4th step, I was horrified. I kept thinking is this REALLY me?! Ugh, then "no wonder I was getting wasted" Because yuck.

I wrote notebooks full, because even though it was hard stuff to acknowledge, it was sort of fascinating as well. And I did begin to feel better to get it all out, drain the wound so to speak.

Sometimes it seemed like the ONLY thing I didn't resent was the Sun for shining.

aeo1313

I am starting step 4 and so confused. Of hand I don't feel like I have any resentments except against myself. There are plenty of negatives that have happened in my life but I blame myself for all of them- no one else. What do I do?

MemphisBlues

I think many of us begin the fourth step when we are still very raw, where we think it was all of our fault.

I did.

Then as the months added up the resentments came pouring back -- along with a lot of character defects -- but I go back to those raw months of initial recovery and grab onto those it-was-all-my-fault thoughts.

Then I reprocess them through a filter of being able to now recognize my character defects -- being judgmental, fearful, insecure, anger -- and I remember my part but also the actions of the person I had a resentment against, and then I forgive them an myself.

It's a real mind game. But even though I still have fourth step issues, I try to use what I've gleaned from all of the steps in not creating new resentments, or when someone pisses me off, I process it in a few minutes or hours instead of the years pouring alcohol all over them let them stew.

So if you are doing your fourth step and all you feel is anger, wait until you get to that third or fourth column, and try to grab some humility.

tomsteve

got a sponsor?

aeo1313

I sure do! Just left a msg for her and since she wasn't around I called another AA woman and talked to her for a while about it and have a better grasp of it now.

Off to a noon mtg!!

Gottalife

In the early days newcomers were taken through the steps in a few weeks, or even days, by their sponsors and according to the foreword of the second edition, 50% of the people that followed this path recovered at once.

We had a very successful treatment centre (now closed) that had there patients complete the first 5 steps before leaving. On average the patients were 14 weeks sober when they left the program. Their follow up reported that about 50% of these were still sober after two years.

The common theme here is that in both methods the newcomer/sponsee is not sent away on their own to tackle the very difficult fourth step. Their sponsor may even have written the inventory for them, and in both cases people were constantly available to assist and explain. This is how I was taken through the 4th step and I am very grateful for this as I lacked the mental capacity to do it on my own. And it worked, I stayed sober.