Mitten2012

I posted this in a different section but saw somone say that area doesnt get much traffic, so I copied it here. Looking for feedback, am I wrong to be doing what is comfortable for me or should I be doing more to be supportive of him?? He just makes me feel so stinking guilty.

We have been separated since AH went into detox 30 days ago, I'm hearing from friends how pissed he is that I'm not going to alanon and apparently this shows how unsupportive i am...

What I have done is started weekly therapy sessions with a counselor who specializes in addiction to work on my own Codie issues, I've read multiple books on addiction and recovery over the past month and have posted and read a ton on these boards, but I guess that's doesn't mean anything. I'm so upset by this I can barely see straight, what I'd like to say is focus on ur own recovery and stay the "bleep" out of mine.

I am not against going to a meeting, I just don't think that's my thing, does that make me bad? Not to mention I work full time and have kids to care for after work, I don't have many options for child care so it's not like I can just hop in the car and go whenever I want, that is one of the reasons I really like this board...

lightseeker

no one can tell you how to work a program but I hope that you will have more responses to hear from people how they have found a way that works for them. I followed the lead of the people that had (have) what I want which is serenity and peace. I started here before I started back at meetings. I love my SR family but face to face meetings help me in a whole different way. I honestly need both. I also have a counselor.

There is something about that human contact that makes a real difference to me and I'm glad that I followed the suggestion of many people that post here to get to a meeting, try at least 6 times, and go to a different one if I don't like the one I go to.

It is hard when you work and have kids but I've found that making time for even one meeting a week makes a big difference to me.

I need it all - books, SR, counseling, and meetings. I thought that I could do it alone (ie not go to meetings) but I found that I wasn't getting to where I wanted to be without them.

I'm glad that you have found us but really sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. There are many wonderful people here with a lot of experience, strength, and hope to share.

mayabee

I go to Nar-Anon rather than Al-Anon but as I understand it both programs involve working on ourselves. They are about us (relatives, spouses, partners of addicts/alcoholics) , not about the addicts/alcoholics. I have learned a lot from Nar-Anon about how to deal with my son's addiction but it really is about me, not him. It sounds like you are working on your issues through your therapy and reading, which is so important. If you decide to try Al-Anon, do it for you, not for your AH. It might be worth going to a couple of meetings if you get the chance just to see what you think. I know my Nar-Anon group is a wonderful source of support and I've made some good friends there, but 12-step groups are not for everyone.

Ann

If you can't get to a meeting, then maybe use SR as a way to learn and regain your balance. Read the book "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beatty, it's probably the best book ever written to help codependents like us.

Make a plan how you will work recovery. Maybe something like reading self-help books, coming here, taking time to pray (if you care to) and meditate each day. Take quiet time to think about how you want to live your life. Set boundaries and be prepared to enforce them...about what things are and are not acceptable in your life.

If you make a plan and take time each day to grow in recovery, I think that one day you will find yourself feeling better, thinking more clearly and lifted out of the darkness.

Hugs

RoseMadder

There are online Nar-anon meetings if you really can't attend f2f right now. The steps are the same regardless of the addiction involved.
Read the book "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, it will really help you to set boundaries for your recovery and for your life.

outtolunch

So he's pissed. So what?

The irony is that if he knew anything about Alanon he would understand that it's all about learning how to take care of and support ourselves, not the addict.

The only thing you control here is your own reaction.

Live

He is supposed to be sweeping his own side of the street, not yours.

zoso77

Well, that's only because you allow him to. He should be working his own program and not telling you how to manage your recovery.

However, that's a side issue.

The great thing about Al Anon or Nar Anon is not only affirmation that you're not alone, you hear, in person, how others have dealt with the diseases of addiction and codependence. And you get out of it what you put into it. I was reluctant to go initially as well, but it was a strong choice on my part to get me to work on myself. You've got nothing to lose by trying it once.

Windmills

Um, you don't go to meetings to learn how to support another person's recovery, he should know that. Stop listening to him. Of and when you go to a meeting it should be for YOU not because he wants you to be his cheering squad.