So angry/disappointed
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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So angry/disappointed
Why do I always have to be the strong/consistent parent? My AH hasn't seen the boys in three weeks, since he went on his last binge. He promised he would be here to see them today. I knew he was getting in from a work trip last night (an eight hour drive), so I asked him three times at least if he was sure. Of course he calls this morning and says would I mind if he came tomorrow or the next day because he's just shattered and can't make the drive. I'm so upset, but it's a combination of things. I bathe them, dress them, read to them, change diapers, tuck them into bed every night, etc., alone. Plus working and having to get rides because we have one car until mine gets fixed or I can get a new one. All I do is give and understand. I'll never be able to give the kids to him for a weekend because he can't handle it. I never saw him as this disappointing father he's becoming. It's so sad but I'm also so angry. And embarrassed that my mother and sister see it and see me crying about it.
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CyranoAK said: "Change your expectations to match your reality."
It became easier for me when I stopped expecting anything from my AXH. In a way, I think it's the same thing as...
... when I was married to AXH, I did everything. And I was so angry that we were two adults in the house and I always did the cleaning/cooking/laundry/car maintenance/school functions etc. and he did nothing.
Now that I'm a single mom, I still do all those things -- but I'm not angry about it. Because I don't expect anyone to do it for me.
It sucks getting stuck with the fallout of an alcoholic marriage. But think about how much better off your children are not having to deal with an alcoholic father. Chin up. It's tough, but so are you.
It became easier for me when I stopped expecting anything from my AXH. In a way, I think it's the same thing as...
... when I was married to AXH, I did everything. And I was so angry that we were two adults in the house and I always did the cleaning/cooking/laundry/car maintenance/school functions etc. and he did nothing.
Now that I'm a single mom, I still do all those things -- but I'm not angry about it. Because I don't expect anyone to do it for me.
It sucks getting stuck with the fallout of an alcoholic marriage. But think about how much better off your children are not having to deal with an alcoholic father. Chin up. It's tough, but so are you.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
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Ditto about the expectations. We are all dealt our hands in life. We can work to change what we can, the rest...it is best if we accept it. I'm a single mom. I did not want to be one, who does? I know it's hard, I'm not going to tell you it isn't. Just expect your AH to be unreliable and unhelpful, and you will not be disappointed! Find other single moms and build a network to help you. Accept the reality of your situation and do whatever it takes to make your new life a happy one...in spite of AH.
And, while it doesn't help you now, single parenting gets a lot easier over time. In ten years, your kids will be wanting to spend less and less time with you and will be more and more independent. You will miss the baby days and look back fondly in spite of all the hard work of having little ones.
You made the best choice you could have at the time you decided to have children with your AH and it's not your fault he's failing as a father. Don't feel embarassed by anything or anyone. I personally despise the term "broken family". If your husband had died in a lightening strike, no one would be calling you a broken family, right? Your AH has been hit by a lightening bolt, basically, one called "addiction".
You need more fun and happiness in your life. You need a car!! You need to find other moms to connect with, even if they're not single. Parenting small children can be very isolating. When will you have the money to get your car fixed? I think that should be your first priority, so you can get out by yourself and with the kids and have a life that's more than work and diapers.
And, while it doesn't help you now, single parenting gets a lot easier over time. In ten years, your kids will be wanting to spend less and less time with you and will be more and more independent. You will miss the baby days and look back fondly in spite of all the hard work of having little ones.
You made the best choice you could have at the time you decided to have children with your AH and it's not your fault he's failing as a father. Don't feel embarassed by anything or anyone. I personally despise the term "broken family". If your husband had died in a lightening strike, no one would be calling you a broken family, right? Your AH has been hit by a lightening bolt, basically, one called "addiction".
You need more fun and happiness in your life. You need a car!! You need to find other moms to connect with, even if they're not single. Parenting small children can be very isolating. When will you have the money to get your car fixed? I think that should be your first priority, so you can get out by yourself and with the kids and have a life that's more than work and diapers.
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I fee like this could all be so simple. If I could just shut off the love I still have for him, it wouldn't hurt as much as it does. I still have the happy family image as a possibility in my mind, and I still worry about him. If I could stop caring, my life would be easier.
I have two gorgeous kids and the ability to support myself. I know I could have a decent life. He is like a weight on me. If we didn't have kids maybe I wouldn't have this clinging desire for everything to work out. I'm hoping the anger I have will come together and click inside my brain when I wake up one day, and I can let him go completely.
I have two gorgeous kids and the ability to support myself. I know I could have a decent life. He is like a weight on me. If we didn't have kids maybe I wouldn't have this clinging desire for everything to work out. I'm hoping the anger I have will come together and click inside my brain when I wake up one day, and I can let him go completely.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Happy family images only work if both parties actively work at it.
I am an alcoholic - when I was drinking, I had the maturity level of a 15 year old. If you have, or have seen a family with teens, you know how easy it was to get them to do anything.
With a fully grown adult teenager, this would be next to impossible.
My recommendation would be to go to Alanon to learn how to deal with yourself in this situation.
I am an alcoholic - when I was drinking, I had the maturity level of a 15 year old. If you have, or have seen a family with teens, you know how easy it was to get them to do anything.
With a fully grown adult teenager, this would be next to impossible.
My recommendation would be to go to Alanon to learn how to deal with yourself in this situation.
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When I was going through the hard stuff (as you are now), I did a lot of reading. One of the things I read that really clicked with me was something about changing the words we use when we "talk" to ourselves. Language and words really make a huge difference, even when it's the words we use in our thoughts. One of the readings suggested changing our "demands" into "preferences." Many things we want in life, we frame as needs or demands, when really they aren't. So, if you can look at this another way, it can help.
You can prefer to have a healthy, committed, helpful partner. But, you don't have that right now. If it's a preference, rather than a demand, then it's easier to accept. See what I mean?
L
You can prefer to have a healthy, committed, helpful partner. But, you don't have that right now. If it's a preference, rather than a demand, then it's easier to accept. See what I mean?
L
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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I still care about what happens to my stbxabf as well. I don't want him to lose his job, a place to live, his car or sink any further into addiction. But you know what, living with him is a nightmare every stinking day. Like LilAmy said above, I do it ALL anyways. His excuse of "I did the dishes" (once in a three week period) doesn't fly with me anymore. Him not buying any food (and it's expensive as all get up) and asking what's for dinner while drinking his money away, doesn't fly anymore.
I do it all ANYWAYS. Or 95% of it while he plays PS3 16 hours each weekend and gets drunk. Any outing we go on, he is DRUNK. We went to the fair while he stumbled around drinking, only bought himself food, didn't buy our son anything, and actually stood behind me in the admission line assuming I'd buy him his entrance ticket. LOL. I told him, I bought me and my mom one, go get your own.
Is this how a relationship is supposed to work? One person focuses on the responsibilities while the other gets drunk and in my case, literally pees on everything in site. LOL. My A actually pee'd in the freakin' kitchen trash can while I was doing dishes, but 'he wasn't drunk, he was sleep walking". LOL!!!!!
Try to remember why you are at your mom's and envision goals you want to accomplish. I want to buy my own house, get a better job after graduating and my mom can better assist me in so many things. She helps with my son while I study, she is clean and neat and I don't have to do all the household chores by myself, she will help with meal preparation, etc. So while living with my mom at 37 isn't ideal as I would much rather be co-parenting with a responsible adult, it still isn't the end of the world. I won't be there forever. I think it is important to look at the positive aspects of change and not the negatives.
I know many people on SR say to limit contact with the A and in the case of children to talk only about them and not other issues. My mom has reminded me I will have to do this and although I am not dealing with it NOW, I have been mentally preparing for it. Especially because we work together there will have to be some strict boundaries. You are doing good Em, I wish I was already where you are and I look to you for inspiration that there are women strong out there who can make the RIGHT decisions especially for their children.
I do it all ANYWAYS. Or 95% of it while he plays PS3 16 hours each weekend and gets drunk. Any outing we go on, he is DRUNK. We went to the fair while he stumbled around drinking, only bought himself food, didn't buy our son anything, and actually stood behind me in the admission line assuming I'd buy him his entrance ticket. LOL. I told him, I bought me and my mom one, go get your own.
Is this how a relationship is supposed to work? One person focuses on the responsibilities while the other gets drunk and in my case, literally pees on everything in site. LOL. My A actually pee'd in the freakin' kitchen trash can while I was doing dishes, but 'he wasn't drunk, he was sleep walking". LOL!!!!!
Try to remember why you are at your mom's and envision goals you want to accomplish. I want to buy my own house, get a better job after graduating and my mom can better assist me in so many things. She helps with my son while I study, she is clean and neat and I don't have to do all the household chores by myself, she will help with meal preparation, etc. So while living with my mom at 37 isn't ideal as I would much rather be co-parenting with a responsible adult, it still isn't the end of the world. I won't be there forever. I think it is important to look at the positive aspects of change and not the negatives.
I know many people on SR say to limit contact with the A and in the case of children to talk only about them and not other issues. My mom has reminded me I will have to do this and although I am not dealing with it NOW, I have been mentally preparing for it. Especially because we work together there will have to be some strict boundaries. You are doing good Em, I wish I was already where you are and I look to you for inspiration that there are women strong out there who can make the RIGHT decisions especially for their children.
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Are you parents still around? Yes in most cases people enable them for 20 years and never leave just keep "sucking it up." You need to make the decision soon because he most likely will never change unless he gets severe help which most functional alcoholics never get until they lose everything.
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Originally Posted by EmmyG 
I still worry about him. If I could stop caring, my life would be easier.
I am learning (almost two years out from the separation) that this is part of the process. When you are in it is so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
You have done a lot in a short period of time, sometimes it take awhile for our emotions to fully catch up to our reality.
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Thanks for all of your support and advice.
I am just going to keep hanging on and get through each day one at a time. I was talking to my sister about everything yesterday and she asked me a bunch of questions, like if I live apart from him while he works on recovery (if that indeed happens), how am I going to feel, being here and doing everything on my own, while he works on himself? Won't I just end up extremely angry and bitter that I'm the only responsible one, and he's not "strong enough" to live with us? She has a point, but lately, and for the last five years, I've just been trying to keep him sane, and putting myself aside. I feel anger, but it's been mostly desperation and sadness until now. I haven't been able to truly relax in so long, I forgot what it feels like. I feel like he's a sick person, and it's hard to be angry at someone when they seem to completely lack coping skills and control.
For now, I'm just going to try to stop expecting a supportive, "together" husband when that's not what I have. I'm also going to sit down and make some goals for myself today that don't factor in his support, whether that's emotional or financial. One thing I'm sure of is that I do not want to be in this same emotional place a year from now. It has to get better.
I am just going to keep hanging on and get through each day one at a time. I was talking to my sister about everything yesterday and she asked me a bunch of questions, like if I live apart from him while he works on recovery (if that indeed happens), how am I going to feel, being here and doing everything on my own, while he works on himself? Won't I just end up extremely angry and bitter that I'm the only responsible one, and he's not "strong enough" to live with us? She has a point, but lately, and for the last five years, I've just been trying to keep him sane, and putting myself aside. I feel anger, but it's been mostly desperation and sadness until now. I haven't been able to truly relax in so long, I forgot what it feels like. I feel like he's a sick person, and it's hard to be angry at someone when they seem to completely lack coping skills and control.
For now, I'm just going to try to stop expecting a supportive, "together" husband when that's not what I have. I'm also going to sit down and make some goals for myself today that don't factor in his support, whether that's emotional or financial. One thing I'm sure of is that I do not want to be in this same emotional place a year from now. It has to get better.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
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It doesn't really matter how you feel about him during his recovery (should he choose to work on it). Giving him a year for him to have solid recovery behind him doesn't mean you waiting for him to get better so you can all be a family together again. It means taking care of yourself and your kids and maybe your husband will get better but it won't really matter if he doesn't.
There is no point in being angry and bitter. Yes, of course you feel it now, but day by day it will lessen until you realize that you're not very angry or bitter anymore. If you go about your life angry and bitter, your children will surely sense it on some level so just eliminate that as a possibility.
As the weeks go on, you will start thinking about and missing your husband less and less. You really will. And that, as sad as it is, is really where you need to be emotionally in order to make good decisions for your family.
Good idea to reframe your goals so they don't include him. It will give you a sense of achievement and that is a wonderful thing to have.
There is no point in being angry and bitter. Yes, of course you feel it now, but day by day it will lessen until you realize that you're not very angry or bitter anymore. If you go about your life angry and bitter, your children will surely sense it on some level so just eliminate that as a possibility.
As the weeks go on, you will start thinking about and missing your husband less and less. You really will. And that, as sad as it is, is really where you need to be emotionally in order to make good decisions for your family.
Good idea to reframe your goals so they don't include him. It will give you a sense of achievement and that is a wonderful thing to have.
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Your sister asked, if you live apart from him while he works on his recovery, how will you feel being there and doing everything on your own? It seems crystal clear to me that you ALREADY are doing everything on your own. In fact this is the title and topic of your thread.
Speaking of his recovery, he hasn't committed to recovery has he? He promised to see your kids and he cancelled. This isn't new Emmy, yet you are having a conversation with your sister about 'becoming' and doing everything on your own(which you are now) IF he spends a year in recovery (which he isn't talking about doing).
is this the same guy who wants to divorce you because you lied about which bar you were in 5 years ago, before you were married? Emmy, I'm not seeing the connection at all here. You know, you can still love a person and walk away. You can still feel hurt and sad and overwhelmed by the loss of a marriage and still walk away. Really Hun, what are you getting out of this rel'ship? It would be easier on you I think, if you accepted what the reality IS and not what you wish it could be. Look closely at the man you are dealing with.
Speaking of his recovery, he hasn't committed to recovery has he? He promised to see your kids and he cancelled. This isn't new Emmy, yet you are having a conversation with your sister about 'becoming' and doing everything on your own(which you are now) IF he spends a year in recovery (which he isn't talking about doing).
is this the same guy who wants to divorce you because you lied about which bar you were in 5 years ago, before you were married? Emmy, I'm not seeing the connection at all here. You know, you can still love a person and walk away. You can still feel hurt and sad and overwhelmed by the loss of a marriage and still walk away. Really Hun, what are you getting out of this rel'ship? It would be easier on you I think, if you accepted what the reality IS and not what you wish it could be. Look closely at the man you are dealing with.
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I feel like I should stop posting because it must be frustrating to listen to a situation like mine. Today is a good example of why this is so hard for me to get over. This is the hardest part - when he is sobered up after a binge. I was in this same spot one year ago when he did this last. This low seems lower than that low, though. He called this afternoon to say that he deserves everything I said this morning, but that after what he's put himself through and the ten hours of driving for work yesterday, he couldn't face me and the kids. He is at a very low point and says he's a horrible father and husband and a bad, pathetic human being. I don't have much patience for self-pity at this point. At the same time, I hear the pain and I can't imagine the depth of his self-loathing. I told him it's up to him to do something about it. He is begging to be with us, says he's so sorry and he just needs to be near us. I told him I'm sorry but I can't live there anymore. I picture him in that big empty house, in severe emotional pain, and me here with my family and our beautiful kids, and I feel for him on a basic human level. It kills me. But I know it's in hands. I just wish he had family here to turn to besides me. I hope he doesn't hurt himself, but he swears he wouldn't do that to the kids. I just want all of our pain to end. At least my kids are happy and laughing, and don't see him this way.
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" I feel like he's a sick person, and it's hard to be angry at someone when they seem to completely lack coping skills and control."
Yes he is sick and will remain so until he gets sober and works a strong recovery program for life. He has choices, he can get help...he chooses not to.
Have you considered going to therapy on your own? You don't seem to be able to break out of the crying mode, you possibly may be suffering from depression.
I like the idea of you making your own goals for you and your children, make a plan to start living your life on your own, not in the shadow of another.
Yes he is sick and will remain so until he gets sober and works a strong recovery program for life. He has choices, he can get help...he chooses not to.
Have you considered going to therapy on your own? You don't seem to be able to break out of the crying mode, you possibly may be suffering from depression.
I like the idea of you making your own goals for you and your children, make a plan to start living your life on your own, not in the shadow of another.
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Don't stop posting Emmy. We all go through the same thing. This is a healthy outlet for you. You will detatch when you're ready. I am the same. I know what I need to do, just a matter of doing it...doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell! Take solace in your kids, they will sustain you!
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He can turn to other alcoholics who will gladly talk to him and help him with his pain and sorrow.
Calling you with this self pity crap is manipulation. Maybe he has done it so much he doesn't see it as such or you don't.
Why can't you have a decent life with your gorgeous children and leave man/child drunk to his own devices. Oh yes, he is feeling more sorry for himself, he will keep it up until you give in.
What effort has he made to recover? Anything?
Oh, I am going to read my new book, "Is it Love or Is It Addiction".
I am working on my issues, I don't think you hear what people are saying.
Beth
Calling you with this self pity crap is manipulation. Maybe he has done it so much he doesn't see it as such or you don't.
Why can't you have a decent life with your gorgeous children and leave man/child drunk to his own devices. Oh yes, he is feeling more sorry for himself, he will keep it up until you give in.
What effort has he made to recover? Anything?
Oh, I am going to read my new book, "Is it Love or Is It Addiction".
I am working on my issues, I don't think you hear what people are saying.
Beth
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Yes, he is sick, but he is also an adult, not a 7 year old child. He is old enough to make his own decisions about how he wants to live his life. But, instead of doing anything constructive, he calls you and gives you some sob story to make you feel sorry for him, and you do. That is called manipulation because that is easier for him than actually confronting his issues and doing something about them. I'd be willing to bet money that if he got you back, he would, within a month, be back to the same crap he was doing that caused you to leave him in the first place.
There is no reason for you to stop posting because it gives you a chance to get it out. But, you are going to hear some things in response that you may not want to hear. Unlike him, we won't lie to you. We have no reason to. We have all been pretty much where you are right now. We understand, but that doesn't mean we aren't going to do our best to help you realize what you are really dealing with.
There is no reason for you to stop posting because it gives you a chance to get it out. But, you are going to hear some things in response that you may not want to hear. Unlike him, we won't lie to you. We have no reason to. We have all been pretty much where you are right now. We understand, but that doesn't mean we aren't going to do our best to help you realize what you are really dealing with.
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Emmy Lou lou, please do not stop posting.
We are here, we support you, if you think I have this all figured out yet, think again.
I was in agony today, over my xabf. It takes time honey, please don't give up on us, we might not always have the right words, but we say what we say because we believe in you.
You may not feel like it but you are making progress.
xoxoxo
We are here, we support you, if you think I have this all figured out yet, think again.
I was in agony today, over my xabf. It takes time honey, please don't give up on us, we might not always have the right words, but we say what we say because we believe in you.
You may not feel like it but you are making progress.
xoxoxo
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Originally Posted by EmmyG
I feel like I should stop posting because it must be frustrating to listen to a situation like mine. Today is a good example of why this is so hard for me to get over. This is the hardest part - when he is sobered up after a binge. I was in this same spot one year ago when he did this last. This low seems lower than that low, though. He called this afternoon to say that he deserves everything I said this morning, but that after what he's put himself through and the ten hours of driving for work yesterday, he couldn't face me and the kids. He is at a very low point and says he's a horrible father and husband and a bad, pathetic human being. I don't have much patience for self-pity at this point. At the same time, I hear the pain and I can't imagine the depth of his self-loathing. I told him it's up to him to do something about it. He is begging to be with us, says he's so sorry and he just needs to be near us. I told him I'm sorry but I can't live there anymore. I picture him in that big empty house, in severe emotional pain, and me here with my family and our beautiful kids, and I feel for him on a basic human level. It kills me. But I know it's in hands.
That REALLY helped me when I was feeling like I needed to fix it again. It was so great to see my behavior and what it did reflecting back on me. My behavior allowed my loved one to not have to see his behavior. It was short term "calm," but never truly resolved anything. I was attempting to smooth over a gaping gash with a bandaid.
Re-reading it again today I realized how much it continues to offer me.
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