Saying I'm Sorry
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Saying I'm Sorry
My A rarely said he was sorry, maybe three times that I can remember in the last two years. This occurred to me last night.
I read here often that there is remorse , that A's often apologize for the night before.
This baffles me, even if it is empty, I'm just wondering if this is something anyone else experieced this.
Not sure what I am looking for here.
I could always tell that he was feeling horrible about his behavior , but he never said it. The times he did say it, well it doesn't matter.
I read here often that there is remorse , that A's often apologize for the night before.
This baffles me, even if it is empty, I'm just wondering if this is something anyone else experieced this.
Not sure what I am looking for here.
I could always tell that he was feeling horrible about his behavior , but he never said it. The times he did say it, well it doesn't matter.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 202
Hi Katiekate
My AH has said sorry hundreds, maybe thousands of times over the years. It was almost never sincere. The nearest I ever got to sincere apologies was when he'd be absolutely sh***ing himself about what I was going to do. There would be waterworks and everything
Generally his apologies would come 2 or 3 days after some big drama. The day after would be silent treatment (as if I'd done something wrong!!). The following day maybe the same thing. And then day 3 would usually be him acting "normal" as if the drama had never happened, until I would eventually lose the plot and challenge him about it and eventually would get an "apology". Needless to say, I don't waste my time with any of this nonsense any more.
I think mine also regularly felt bad about things he had done, and unfortunately I think that often led him to get in a horrible drinking/regret cycle to help him deal with his guilt/shame/million other emotions.
Adventure
My AH has said sorry hundreds, maybe thousands of times over the years. It was almost never sincere. The nearest I ever got to sincere apologies was when he'd be absolutely sh***ing himself about what I was going to do. There would be waterworks and everything
Generally his apologies would come 2 or 3 days after some big drama. The day after would be silent treatment (as if I'd done something wrong!!). The following day maybe the same thing. And then day 3 would usually be him acting "normal" as if the drama had never happened, until I would eventually lose the plot and challenge him about it and eventually would get an "apology". Needless to say, I don't waste my time with any of this nonsense any more.
I think mine also regularly felt bad about things he had done, and unfortunately I think that often led him to get in a horrible drinking/regret cycle to help him deal with his guilt/shame/million other emotions.
Adventure
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Rarely for me too. I asked him once why he never did and he said to say sorry meant he was "acquiescing" (definition: to accept, comply, or submit tacitly or passively).
*Shaking my head*
Had nothing to say to that one.
*Shaking my head*
Had nothing to say to that one.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
couple of thoughts...first the "sorry" following a night or week of drunken stupidity is part of the Alcoholic motto:
I'm Sorry
Please Forgive Me
It will NEVER happen again
which translates to - my god i am so hungover and i wish you would just shut the hell up so i'll say just anything right now in hopes that you do just that.
second, rather crude but quite true, Sorry is found between sh!t and syphilis in the dictionary. it's just a WORD.
I'm Sorry
Please Forgive Me
It will NEVER happen again
which translates to - my god i am so hungover and i wish you would just shut the hell up so i'll say just anything right now in hopes that you do just that.
second, rather crude but quite true, Sorry is found between sh!t and syphilis in the dictionary. it's just a WORD.
So true though...it is only a word. In my world, saying sorry means actually not doing (whatever you were sorry for) again.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 95
My ex AH not only never says "I'm sorry", but he never ever admits to being wrong. He has dropped hints the past couple of days about coming back here, but always gives some off the wall made up reason.
ANYTHING except "I was wrong to leave like that and I miss my children". I take that back. He has said he's sorry, but only to draw me into a conversation with him so that he can attack me about something.
ANYTHING except "I was wrong to leave like that and I miss my children". I take that back. He has said he's sorry, but only to draw me into a conversation with him so that he can attack me about something.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
My AXH apologized a lot.
But it was always non-apology apologies, like politicians and celebrities do when their publicists tell them they have to apologize because it's bad for their image if they don't.
Usually, those apologies go something like:
"I'm sorry you felt hurt when I called you a scumbag."
Which immediately places the responsibility on you -- somehow making it strange and unpredictable that you'd feel hurt when someone called you a scumbag.
AXH's apologies would be along the lines of "I'm sorry I yelled at you yesterday but... [insert explanation that shifted blame for his yelling to something I had said/done/not said/not done]"
Those are not sincere apologies -- they just make the person saying the words feel better about themselves.
But it was always non-apology apologies, like politicians and celebrities do when their publicists tell them they have to apologize because it's bad for their image if they don't.
Usually, those apologies go something like:
"I'm sorry you felt hurt when I called you a scumbag."
Which immediately places the responsibility on you -- somehow making it strange and unpredictable that you'd feel hurt when someone called you a scumbag.
AXH's apologies would be along the lines of "I'm sorry I yelled at you yesterday but... [insert explanation that shifted blame for his yelling to something I had said/done/not said/not done]"
Those are not sincere apologies -- they just make the person saying the words feel better about themselves.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Thanks for all your replies, I think it was along the lines of what Tuffgirl was saying, apologizing was equal to having to admit there was something that needed to be looked at, alcoholism.
They are just empty words. For some reason this is eating away at me today, the total disreguard for my feelings.
I never brought it up the day after, I was too worn out to even get on negative sentence flung at me.
So glad you guys are so willing to share, it really does help alot.
Sorry is found between sh!t and syphilis in the dictionary. it's just a WORD. Anvilhead, I can always count on you for a giggle, so true girl.
They are just empty words. For some reason this is eating away at me today, the total disreguard for my feelings.
I never brought it up the day after, I was too worn out to even get on negative sentence flung at me.
So glad you guys are so willing to share, it really does help alot.
Sorry is found between sh!t and syphilis in the dictionary. it's just a WORD. Anvilhead, I can always count on you for a giggle, so true girl.
Taking back what is mine!
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Ky
Posts: 277
Mine has said "I'm sorry" so many times, it means nothing anymore. I agree with the other poster, it is his way of just trying to shut me up. My favorite is when during the drunken craziness he says "and don't think I'm apologizing in the morning" yet the very first thing out of his mouth the next morning is I'm sorry. All I can do I shake my head.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 49
My A never apologized for anything. Not for me waking up in his urine and feces. Not for any of the horrible situations he put me and/or us in. I, too, would get the silent treatment the first day and eventually he would just continue on as if nothing happened. He would, however, ask me for apologies all the time, whether I was in the wrong or not. He was always shifting blame to me and therefore he always felt entitled to constant apologies. Bizarre.
Actually, after months of NC, he called me out of the blue while running on the treadmill (why he thought this was a good time to call is beyond me!) to tell me he was sorry for how things turned out. Even through all the noise of the treadmill belt in the background, his pounding foot steps and his breathless speech, I could hear the insincerety loud and clear. Just more quacking.
Actually, after months of NC, he called me out of the blue while running on the treadmill (why he thought this was a good time to call is beyond me!) to tell me he was sorry for how things turned out. Even through all the noise of the treadmill belt in the background, his pounding foot steps and his breathless speech, I could hear the insincerety loud and clear. Just more quacking.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Better than where I was
Posts: 267
My AW says "I'm Sorry" to EVERYTHING! That's pretty much the extent of our conversations these days, I say anything & she says "I'm sorry". It doesn't have much weight anymore. Just a meek little "sorry" floating away like a balloon.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
When I finally got MYSELF into a program of recovery and first read the steps ~ I thought I can't wait for my ah to work step 9!!!"
My then ah was "in recovery" for almost 3 yrs ~ if he made it step 9 ~ he never made a Direct Amends to me ~
He wasn't big on the "I apologize or I'm sorry" ~ he was more the type of "it's over, time to forget about it & move past it" without ever addressing what happened.
I difficult thing I had to learn in my journey in recovery was that regardless of what my now exah did or didn't do ~ I needed to work my own healthy program -
SO I had to work step 9 ~ I had to make Amends to him ~ with no expectations of acceptance, of returned apologies or wonderful acalades ~ just because it was the healthy thing to do for me ~
It wasn't easy but it truly helped me when it was time to walk away - to be free of regrets, ties or any connections - my side of the street was clean. . .
Just my e, s, & h
PINK HUGS,
Rita
My then ah was "in recovery" for almost 3 yrs ~ if he made it step 9 ~ he never made a Direct Amends to me ~
He wasn't big on the "I apologize or I'm sorry" ~ he was more the type of "it's over, time to forget about it & move past it" without ever addressing what happened.
I difficult thing I had to learn in my journey in recovery was that regardless of what my now exah did or didn't do ~ I needed to work my own healthy program -
SO I had to work step 9 ~ I had to make Amends to him ~ with no expectations of acceptance, of returned apologies or wonderful acalades ~ just because it was the healthy thing to do for me ~
It wasn't easy but it truly helped me when it was time to walk away - to be free of regrets, ties or any connections - my side of the street was clean. . .
Just my e, s, & h
PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Even after the most outrageous events, my AH never apologized to me for his behavior or words. IF he did attempt it, it was always the passive-aggressive kind that Lillamy described above.... just blame-shifting to ease his guilt.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
when i was drinking, i said,"i'm sorry. i promise_________" many times to many different people. i still remember my ex fiance saying to me once," yes, you are sorry."
when i got into recovery, i got into a relationship with a chronic relapser( very good lesson. i only attract those as sick as me). couldnt tell ya how many times i was on the other side of, " im sorry", but she sure did help me see how it felt on the other side.
when i got into recovery, i got into a relationship with a chronic relapser( very good lesson. i only attract those as sick as me). couldnt tell ya how many times i was on the other side of, " im sorry", but she sure did help me see how it felt on the other side.
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