Sadconfused

Hi all, this is my first post here. I have been with my SO for almost 11 years and we have a 2 yr old daughter. He didn't drink when I met him, about 5 yrs ago he started. It wasn't bad in the beginning but for the last year it has gotten to a point that Im not sure I can stay much longer. Last year we were having some issues unrelated to the drinking (kinda). He would spend every min he wasn't working on his pc game playing games and drinking. I tried everything I could to get him off the game and to be part of our lives. I moved out of the room and told him I was done trying. It had no effect. Long story short, I ended up cheating on him to a degree, I was regularly talking to a mutual friend of ours behind his back that also happens to live on the same rd as us. I didn't sleep with him or anything like that but none the less it was wrong. This is where the drinking became an issue. He drinks every night excessively to the point of not remembering much the next morning. He can't not drink. He will spend our last little bit of money on beer and drink every bit of alcohol in the house if there is any. He gets aggressive and argumental. He will sit and bash me non stop, calling me and my family names, threaten me, and we have actually had physical altercations because he gets so irrate. I don't know what to do any more, I can't keep putting up with this and he claims not to have a drinking problem but a road and dumbass(me) problem. I feel really bad for what I did and I have been trying to make it right. This are great when he isn't drinking but by 7 every week night and 4 every weekend night he is already pretty wasted and it only gets worse as the night goes on. I am to the point of actually getting extremely nervous when he starts getting buzzed cause I never know how he is going to act. I didn't sign up to be with an alcoholic. He is a completely different person when he is sober, I am considering taping him one night so he can see how he acts but I'm not sure it would help. Ugh I'm rambling I'm sure, I'm just so hurt and confused. Any advice?

Sadconfused

Stupid phone cut me off, what can I do to help him? I feel so responsible for all of this and I regret what I did but I can't help just wanting to tell him to leave when he starts attacking me about my mistakes while he is drinking.

dollydo

Physical abuse by either one of you is not acceptable. My advice is for you to go to Alanon meetings and seek therapy.

Your daughter is the true victim in this toxic enviorment, she hears and sees everthing and will carry her childhood into adulthood, she should be your priorty, not him. It is a parents responsibility to provide a safe enviorment for a minor child, a child should never
be exposed to addiction or abuse of any kind. Get her out of there and get yourself some help.

He is an adult and it is his responsibility to get sober and work a strong recovery program for life. He has a disease that has no cure, he will be an alcoholic all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is sober or not. Less than 10% of A's stay sober/clean
for life...not good odds.

Katiekate

YOu can't do anything to help him, not one thing, it's up to him.

But you can do something to help yourself.

As far as the other thing, it happened, having guilt over it is certainly no reason to stay in an abusive relationship.

It sounds like you are not safe to me, and your child should not be subjected to any of this.

You stated that you can't take it anymore, this has broken you down, what do you think it is doing to your child, and innocent young mind.

Please , end this madness, and get yourself into recovery.

Tuffgirl

Welcome, sadconfused. I am sorry for the situation that brings you here, but you found a good place for experience, strength and hope.

We have here what we call the three C's:
We don't cause them to drink
We can't control it
We can't cure it

That pretty much means there is nothing you can do to "help him". But on the bright side, there is much you can do to help you. And sometimes when we take the steps to help ourselves and our lives get better, the addicts see the changes and soon follow. Sometimes.

Try a few Al-Anon meetings in your area. Google Al-Anon speaker tapes on the internet and listen to a few. Read about alcoholism and the effects on the family. Knowledge is power. And create a support system of friends and family if available and use it! Keeping the secret is toxic!

Keep coming back, and take good care,
~T

chronsweet

SadnConfused,

I too live with a daily drinker so I know the pain that it causes. When I first came here I found some of the words I read to be kind of harsh, but they are true and come from people who have been in similar situations. I too, have been physical with my ABF when pushed to a point. It occurred once. I try hard to forgive myself for that, as I have never even been in a fight before. I don't consider myself abusive at all. I went 13 years in a previous relationship and although we had an argument here and there (which was rare), we never got physical with one another.

I too, have a 2 year old and he DEFINITELY knows that his dad drinks. He doesn't like it and he knows I don't like it. He ALSO knows his daddy does like it. Kids are freaking smart. I woke up this morning knowing that it is over (finally). My ABF doesn't even promise to quit or admit he has a problem, and I refuse to let things spiral any further down the rabbit hole for the sake of my son. I am the sober parent, the one who can rationalize and use decisive action to keep my son safe.

My ABF (stbxabf) actually left our son alone while I was at work one day while he was napping to go get alcohol. I was pretty floored and that was my bottom. I know I can't trust him, while he is a drunk, to be a good role model. I know the odds are not in my son's favor to not become an addict himself or to become addicted to an addict (like I have) if I raise him in this kind of environment. I have a choice to make and I choose LIFE for me and my son. If I were single, I'd leave the guy in the blink of an eye, and so that choice should be even more strong because there is a child involved. Somehow, I have tried to rationalize that a kid having two parents is important. That is what has kept me in this situation. Also, I will have to move in with my mom because of the cost of child care. I don't necessarily want to live with my mom because, heck, I am 37 years old and who wants to live with their mom at 37, not me. But for now, I have to pick the BEST environment for my son. I believe that will be one without a drunk father who sits in the same chair drinking, and like yours, playing ps3 every spare moment he gets (another addiction?). You'd think a 32 year old man (my bf's age) would find more interesting things he could do with his time than playing the SAME game online for 16 hours a weekend and drinking all day, but alas, he does.

I have become a shell of my former happy, spontaneous self who used to take spur of the moment trips to go sight seeing, to go snowboarding, to go camping and basically just enjoying life. My son has not even seen that side of me, because I am always so dang miserable in my current relationship. I never have money because I have to buy all the necessities because you know who drinks his paycheck away and then asks what's for dinner (HA!). So, you know what I HAVE TO DO, I have to get away. I have to find MYSELF again for my son. This disease of alcoholism has sucked me of life, while alive. Most days I just go along with the motions, try to be strong for my son, try to stay calm and it is just no way to live.

Sorry to vent on your post, but your post just struck a nerve I suppose. All the circumstances aren't the same, but very similar as you will see by browsing other's stories.

Keep reading and posting is the best advice I could give. Also, we didn't get into this situation in a day and most don't get out in a day either. Some will say run, but I don't think it is ever that easy for us codies, at least not in my case. But I am close, so very close, and I can see the finish line.

Take care.

trickor22

You should move in with your folks like Chronsweet is doing. Ya... I know living with your mom is kinda embarrassing at first but you would be surprised how many people are at the moment because of some kind of situation. I am a recovering addict in a program and all I can say is leave them immediately.. I know for myself and others the only thing that made them stop abusing themselves is losing there family. Once that happens they will finally wake up and realize what they have done and stop. If they don't then... They are not worth it for you.

Adventure

Hi Sadconfused

Welcome to SR. Stick around - you will be overwhelmed at what you can learn here and the comfort it can provide knowing so many people know where you're coming from.

What you did (or didn't do more like) is not the reason that he is an A, no matter what he says. If that hadn't happened there would be some other excuse(s) - you can be sure of it.

You say things are great when he isn't drinking, but you say he drinks every day. So every morning when you get up things are great? Really? Are you not pi**ed off every morning? Is he not hungover/at work/asleep etc? When exactly are things great?

If you are nervous then you need to think about your safety and the safety of your 2 year old. We don't get nervous for no reason, so please think very carefully about what is making you nervous and what you might be exposing yourself to.

It has been said already, this man is an adult and is the only person that can help himself. YOu can do what so many of us here have done and waste precious weeks/months/years of our short lives trying to "help", or you can help yourself and do what is right for you and your child.

Hope some/any of the above helps.

Adventure

Sadconfused

Thanks for all the responses, they have actually helped me. Chronsweet, our situations are very very similar and you're right, if we didn't have a kid I would have been out months ago but I too have made myself believe having both of us together is more important bit obviously as she is getting older she is going to start understanding more and more. I don't want her growing up like I did with an alcoholic father and a mother that just stays and puts up with it. My dad has actually been clean for 7 yrs, he relapsed about a year ago and my mom finally left. He is now clean again and that is actually who we live with. I typically just keep my mouth shut and go with the flow of things, bit my tongue so it doesn't cause a blow up so my father doesn't get involved. Abf knows this and when he is drunk if I disagree with him or he gets upset, he uses the "you're going to keep on and your dad is going to come in here and I am going to knock the f*%* out of him". I say things are great when he isn't drinking but yea he is almost always drinking so I guess I should say when he isn't drunk. He calls from work and is the normal person I fell in love with. last night he had 3 24oz beers and things were fine. We hung out and cut up but I know that could change at any moment. I do wake up angry almost every morning, especially after he has acted like a fool and wakes up being nice like nothing happened. I worry about what is going to happen when my dad passes, I haven't been working since the baby. Child care is so expensive, he works but he has no goals of saving, buying a house, or making a life for us. As long as he can work on his car, play his game, and drink he is content. I'm not, I want a life for us, I don't want to struggle and be unhappy and nervous. I have so much resentment towards him over all this but I feel so trapped because not only does he have a drinking and anger problem but now he also has trust issues. This makes it impossible for me to go to any meetings or anything for help without him knowing. He has access to my phone bill, FB, email, and he watches my every move looking for anything suspicious. I really wish he would stop, I think we could make it through every thing if not for the drinking but like many of you said it isn't very promising. His mother is an A too, she has spent time in prison, drunk herself into a coma, and many other things yet she still continues as will he I'm sure. I'm scared of what he will do if I leave him and I'm scared what will happen if I stay. I'm just not sure anymore, my emotions are all over the place.

Katiekate

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html

Please read through these links. I feel you are not safe, this man sounds like a bomb about to go off.

Please begin your recovery before things get more out of control. Please.

Buffalo66

If you can, and I do not know the cicumstances, but you should ask him to leave.
I did this, and it was the beginning of my realizing how things could be without him.
My H is in recovery(sort of) He is sober, but not working on it. Hence, he is still a mess.

Its a long road, do not think that physical sobriety will stop the mess. You need to act as if he has been consumed in a way, because he has been//
You dont have to be.

I made the choice while my RAH was still drinking to put him out, and he was not allowed to be around our son while drunk. That did not mean he wasnt awful while not drunk. BEcause they need their drug.

When he got sober, he was still awful, in different ways...so I put him out again and again. He is gone now, living alone, thinking he is doing great.

Fine. Putting him out of your home, or leaving, if need be may seem like an insurmountable task, and trouble, but life without that feeling of dread about what may happen is awful. You really wont know how awful until you get away from it. Then the smoke clears, but it is hard.

PLease try to let go of the fantasy that he will snap out of it, and seek solace for you and your sweet daughter. You both deserve that. Little steps.

ANd try not to engage with him in the meantime, especially while he is drunk. He does sound like he could possibly become abusive more directly. Blackouts are the worst.

Keep posting and search alanon meetings in your area.

Adventure

Oh Sadconfused I'm so sorry for you. How the hell do we get ourselves into such messes? I agree 100% with Katie - he sounds like a major disaster waiting to happen. It really does not sound like he is a safe person to be around, and for him to have that level of control over you - well I have a knot in my stomach reading it if I'm honest.

Does your dad know the extent of what is going on? I am shocked that your ABF threatens (never mind that it's indirectly) violence against your father. Your father is allowing him to stay in his home and this is how he talks about him? Is your dad in a position to have him removed from the house, or is he just as terrified as you?

I can't tell you how many years of my life I spent doing this - isn't it so frustrating? To have to remind them of the havoc/carnage they caused the night before, while they are or pretend to be oblivious.


I'm not so sure about this - it sounds like the drinking is only part of what is going on with him - the whole trust/control thing is a major red alert to me!

:ghug3 Please accept a very big hug from me - I wish I could go to where you are and help you. (Plus if I'm honest, badly in need of hugs today myself!!) I have only experienced the threat of violence once with my AH (one time too many mind you), but if you are this scared you need help to figure out what to do if it escalates. I have seen many people post on here about Domestic Violence groups who might be able to help you/give you advice. Hopefully someone with more info will give you some of these details.

Please, please mind yourself Sadconfused, and please keep coming here for support/hugs and just to let us know you are ok. You sound like a lovely person and you deserve so much better than this.

Adventure

Sadconfused

My dad kinda knows the how bad things are but I try to keep him out of it. He has a lot of problems himself with his health and other things so I don't want to stress him out. The few times he has heard abf call me a name or something it has led to a giant blow up, the last time including him going after abf with a piece of 2x4 and me getting accidentally hit in the face with it while trying to break them up so I just try to keep abf quiet and ignore his crap the best I can. We have separated before last year after the whole "cheating" incident. He was suppose to stay wih family out of state for a few weeks but it lasted all of 3 days. It was honestly the best 3 days of my life, it felt so good to wake up without worry about what Bs he was going to start and to just be free from any ties other than my kid. I dreaded the day he came back but I let him because of our daughter. I know it killed him to be so far away from her and Unfortunetly he has no where to stay here and he can't afford his own place. Obviously I have a lot of guilt and feel a lot of responsibility for everything. Hopefully I can get past some of it and do what is right for me but I think it is going I be very hard especially with his controlling behavior on top of the drinking. It's all so exhausting, I go back and forth between anger and sadness. Part of me hates him for what he's done and continues to do but part of me loves the person he was and I still mourn what we had. I wish I were strong enough to just tell him to go but I'm not and that upsets me even more.


Also, I wanted to thank you all for the support. I am very happy to have found this place and I hope to stick around. All the best <3