roxtar

Where to start? Our 26 yr old son has been drinking since college, we always thought it was just the "to fit in thing" and he would grow out of it. Years, counselors & ultimatums later he is still at it.

He is what one counselor called an episodic drinker. He drinks alone, usually a weekend evenings & blacks out, has gone from vodka, to wine, and now beer. Underlying medical issues too, 14 yrs ago he had a stroke during surgery.

We've intervened a number of times, unannounced visits we'll find him blacked out on his urine soaked mattress, no food, his place an unsanitary mess. We've moved him back home & arranged counseling & doctors. He was usually truthful, remorseful and ready to change.

So about 7 mos ago he finally seemed in a good place, got a great job, moved to a new town/apt.

A surprise visit 2 mos in & we find he's drinking again. Rotting food in the frig, the smell in the apt was awful, empties all over, (we made him buy a new mattress, again)

We threatened to take him back home, told him he had to get into a program.

He got in touch with the local AA, found a new counselor, we continued to monitor & yesterday we showed up after work same MO; no food, the stink, & empties hidden in a plastic bag and this time he was so angry at us, he said the counselor said he could pace himself (?)

What now? Talk to his counselor Or do we step back? Do we drag him back home?

Thanks

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

You have found a wonderful resource of support and information. I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

Are you and your husband attending Alanon meetings for face-to-face support? Alanon has helped me in all my relationships. Personal, intimate and business relationships have improved in my life with the tools for living I learn at Alanon.

Looking at your story from the outside, I see that you want to try the same steps that brought some temporary sobriety into his life (drag him back home to dry out). However, the results were temporary.

This is a painful situation.

A mother's love for her son, and a son's love for his d.o.c./alcohol.

I encourage you to find a support group and/or a counselor that deals in addiction. You are not alone.

I hope you will keep coming back. We have more parents here that have faced the same struggles. They may be along later to share their personal ES&H (experience, strength and hope)

dollydo

:codiepolice

He is an adult, you can drag him home another 50 times and it will do no good. Until he
is ready to stay sober for life and work a strong recovery program nothing will change.

Allow him the dignity to find his own way, to wear his big boy pants and become a
responsible adult. He knows what to do and where to go for help.

I know that you love him, however, you cannot do this for him.

LOVINGRA

Your son sounds like what my BF's parents went through for 30 years. He is now 46 after 7 rehabs and has been solidly sober for awhile. He finally takes his sobriety very seriously (rehab and now a sponsor and daily AA) -- a couple of DUIs and almost losing me and a 6 figure salary. I had way more influence on him than his parents. He checks in with me every day and seems eager to please. They spent so much money and still worry. He also drank alone and would black out. However, I don't know how I would feel if he were my child instead of a SO -- I urge you to read "Under the Influence" and anything else you can find. Also please attend Alanon.

Other than an intervention in inpatient rehab -- I personally would not give any other monetary support. It will just drain you and go down the drain. Learn all you can about this awful disease so you can understand what is happening physiologically.

LOVINGRA

PS -- that is BS about pacing yourself. No such thing. It's all or nothing. Who the @#@# is this counselor? Should have his license revoked (or else your son is BSing you). The anger is just part of it. Don't take it personally.

chronsweet

I have other experience. I have a child with my ABF whom I will probably be leaving very soon due to his drinking. His mother is a total enabler. She tries to tell him to 'pace' himself and 'only drink on weekends'. He can't ever drink if he is to get and stay sober. She always picks him up when down and it has caused major problems in our relationship triangle. I too have enabled my ABF but have changed my habits, it is an ongoing process, but I do better than I used to. My ABF does not take me seriously or his mom. He doesn't want the help and therefore he will just say what we want him to say so we leave him alone.

It seems futile to attempt to drag a 26 year old home and also it may harbor some feelings of resentment. I think if my mom tried to drag me home at that age, it would have made me rebel even more. He is an adult. Let him make his own waves and take care of his responsibilities. In my opinion, it cripples adult children to have their parents always looking after them. Maybe try meeting with him in a different setting if you want to visit and have the boundary that during the visit he needs to be sober?

CS

changeschoices

I recently ended my relationship with my 41 year old AX after over two years. He repeatedly mistreated and abandoned my children and I. And the worst part is, his mother and brother enabled him over and over and colluded with him to abandon me and my children (although ultimately, I made him move out of my house this final time).

I have profound anger and resentment toward his mother and brother for helping him out and making it possible for him to keep drinking. He is living for free at his brother's house, owes me almost $3K which he's taking his sweet time repaying because...he gets to live for free with his family and pi$$ his money away on booze--and they let him!

If his family did not keep taking him back, he would be living on the street or in prison. And frankly, that is probably the reality check he needs in order to get help. Two bankruptcies, two DUIs, losing jobs, losing me and the children...none of this has motivated him to stop drinking.

Please don't take your son back in or give him money. Because he may very well end up in his 40s like my AX, still drinking, dead broke, and living like a little child, sponging off his family. It's shameful.

I know it hurts because he's your son. But you've got to let him be an adult and make his own choices.

tomsteve

enable him and you'll love him to death. step back. let him get it, then love him to life.

mrsbrownie

i cant imagine how difficult must it have been for parents.

i just spoke to my xabf yesterday, after my xabf decided to go with his hs friend who is a recovering coke addict/alcoholic and smoke weeds, she sought therapy. her therapist said, to stop contacting him like he used to (like see if he ate, checking if he is going to work and he is 36 years old). for like 4 months we worked as a tandem babysitting our A, we alternately paid his bills, rent. we did everything that we thought was helping him. when we decided to stop enabling him, he turned to this girl. we can worry ourselves to death but was told what does that gonna do?

im just the gf (x) and its only been 7 months and i feel horrible for not knowing if he is in a good place (sober place with sober people around) as parents you probably feel 100 times worse.

please make sure that you take care of yourselves too.

Cyranoak

Nope. Just enablers. And as a recovering enabler I can tell you it's not easy with a spouse, and I can't even imagine what it is with a child (adult or not). It's going to be hard to change, but it's possible.

The most loving thing you can do is to go to at least six Alanon meetings before making any decisions or doing anything. The second most loving thing you can do is stop buying him mattresses, stop checking in on him, and let him fully experience every and all consequences related to his drinking. DO NOT BRING HIM "HOME." That would be, IMHO, the kiss of death for him and you, and greatly extend his disease while greatly reducing the likelihood, albeit small, that he'll stop drinking.

I've acheived success. You can too. But you must accept that you cannot control his drinking, you didn't cause it, and you can't cure it.

Good luck.

Cyranoak