Weasel1966

I posted recently how strong I was. How its all a decision you make.

I heard my AV loud and clear yesterday.

I drank because I wanted to.

I got scared to say no to it.

I am scared to actually be sober. what the hell does that mean if I am.

Everything I knew would be changed forever if I was.

My life has been so f'ing bad drinking yet it feels safe.

I love being sober but I panicked.

Does that make any sense?

I know now I should have reached out and not in.

I have to go to work with shame in my heart but when I look people in the eye and know I am an alcoholic but I am just as much a good person as they are. drink or no drink.

That wont stop me from trying again...

so many here keep believing in me.....

I will not allow this to make me feel like a failure. Thats not what trying to get sober is about.

Its about when you feel something... something that makes you wanna run to the bottle... its about knowing that feeling and actually comprehending it.

I do not count days. I simply choose to stop again. time has no relevancy in the the effort to learn and remain sober.

Lets pick up where I left off... remind myself why I am even trying to in the first place.

Because I am worth it. Life is fun and warm when I do not drink.

time to go about the rest of my day. thanks for being there for me.

neferkamichael

Just pick yourself, dust yourself off, and get back on the wagon, you'll be glad ya did.

Jeni26

You are still here, and that's the main thing.
Learn from this, and you will be stronger than before. I believe in you xxx

katrinka

Everything will be changed for the better but at the same time things are the same. You will just deal with life in a healthier way and enjoy your everyday life more. It is so worth it! Keep trying!

CaiHong

Weasel
Don't be scared of being sober, be fearful of continued drinking that is the scary part.

The AV can be very convincing especially early in sobriety. The voice gets weaker as the sober you gets stronger.

You can do this.

Love to you Weasal
CaiHong

Weasel1966

Thanks everyone....

I remember the exact moment last night. I stopped dead. I thought it over. I felt a rush of panic. I heard my AV say all the normal stuff. So typical I laughed. Yet I said yes.

I really need to get better negotiating skills if I am gonna do this right.

I do not take this Lightly but I need to strike a balance between understanding myself better and disciplining myself.

If I beat myself up who will be there to protect me?

Every day we all must choose.

Today is a sober day.

Ok... Still a pissed here. But today is a sober day.

Ken

aasharon90

It's comforting to know that I never have
to go thru anything in life alone again. And
that includes not picking up a drink of alcohol.

To know that there are so many traveling
the road of recovery I walk with, share my
problems and concerns with. To feel wanted
and needed. To have that understanding from
the fellowship in recovery when I didnt have
it from my own family.


Grab a hold of someone in recovery, hold on
tight and allow them to guide you each step
you take, each day you dont drink until you
are strong to stand on ur own. And take all
the time you need because each day sober is
a blessing, a gift of a lifetime.

For me, I began recovery in a 28 day rehab.
A controlled inviroment where alcohol was not
in my reach as I went thru those first days
with no temptations of alcohol to reach for.

For me, those first 28 days sober allowed me
to recieve the tools and knowledge of my alcoholism
and set me on the path of recovery. When I left
that controlled inviroment I was scared and was
still filled with anger and all sorts of emotions, BUT,
for me, I knew in my heart and gut what I needed
to do for ME. I had to go to any lengths, to do whatever
i needed to do in order to stay sober.

And I did. I sat in those meetings everyday, even
twice a day and listened and absorbed all I could,
then returned home to raise my kids and remain
a wife. Day after day after day till recovery began
to sink in as i applied the steps to my everyday life
and in all I did to the best of my ability.

Then, slowly I began to give back or share all
that free knowledge of what it was like before,
during and after my drinking to the newcomer
or to those still struggling with addiction.

When I began to do that, I realized all my selfishness
slowly disappeared because I got out of myself to
help someone else. In doing this then and only then,
the promises and gifts in recovery began to come
true.

Today, some 21 yrs sober later, I continue to pass
on that knowledge in order to remain happy, healthy
and free from the desire to drink. Today and only today.

My recovery is a recovery of a lifetime and im grateful
to share it with you.

MalkavianEmily

Sometimes over the last few days, I've felt bad about not drinking, beaten myself up about it. Tried to tell myself that I was ok because I hadn't given in.
Except that was Catherine talking. I don't want to drink. I want to stay sober. But there's a growing sense that... well, maybe I need to fall off the wagon. To say "Alright, well, you say I don't have a problem. Let's find out, shall we?" I can hear a certain... cheerfulness in her voice today. Maybe it's the weight coming off so easily, I don't know. But she's not as passive as she was this morning.

Heidi1220

I too, went to rehab. 31 days of intense education in a controlled environment with no alcohol. It was the best thing I ever did for my sobriety. I highly recommend it. I think I laughed more in one month than I have in the past 2 years drinking. I'm only 40 days sober, but people can already see a change in my attitude. Life is FUN. Sobriety is FUN. I think of all the times I set out to do something fun only to disappoint myself and others with my drinking.

Don't be afraid of sobriety. Embrace it. You can do this. Just take one day at a time. Don't worry about tomorrow. Next time the urge comes up, pick up that phone, write on the boards, keep a journal, or just go for a walk.

Take care of yourself. Don't beat yourself up. If someone treated you like your alcoholism does, you would kick the crap out of them.

-T

desertsong

Ken, we're never truly out of the game until we just say "f*** it" and quit trying. I know many alcoholics who have done that ... just given up. We're here because we aren't willing to give up the fight for a better life. It can take a long time and a lot of false starts to get there, but it can happen for us if we believe that it can.

Keep coming back. Don't beat yourself up. Know that there is still hope as long as you keep reaching for it. We're with you. I believe in you.

Weasel1966

You are so right.

If anyone treated me like I treat me I would beat the hell out of them and apologize later.

I did go to rehab. It was outpatient. It was at a time when I thought I had a problem but was not nearly as honest as today. I may not yet be perfect but back then I was still drinking everyday and going to rehab. How stupid.

I have only a few drinking days this month. I want to be completely sober and every day I get better at it.

Failure is not trying again.

Michael66

Hey Weasel

Glad you're sill here and getting back up on that wagon.

Kudos for sharing your lows as well as your highs with us.

God bless you buddy.

wellwisher

I have no first-hand experience in using AVRT but have observed enough threads about the method to have picked up some information about it. I hope you don't mind, but these two lines stuck out to me. Your use of the term AV indicates that perhaps you are using AVRT.

My understanding is that when using the method, there are no negotiating skills to be used at all. I have heard it said over and over when one negotiates with the beast, the beast will win hands down. It will argue both sides of the situation and win.

The second line tells me that you may be struggling in differentiating between beast talk and self-talk.

The AVRT threads contain a lot of information about this and has many book resources listed on it about the method.

But, biases being what they are (I'm a very strong proponent of reaching out to others for help) and you find that you keep beating yourself up and are losing the battle in protecting yourself, that you consider maybe checking out support groups in your area. There are so many quality AA meetings on Long Island, and SMART has meetings in Syosset, Deer Park and Queens that I know of.

You see, AVRTer's do not accept the disease concept of alcoholism but they strongly believe that you need to seperate that beast from yourself. I believe in the disease concept, but I was taught to seperate the disease from the person while I lived in a 90-day inpatient rehab.

Just my thoughts and opinions, but to thine own self be true.

All the best ...

hopeful78

you can absolutely do this......day 1......you can do it!

Weasel1966

Thank you well wisher .

I am just learning about AVRt. I have the book and am on chapter 4. So just getting a basic understanding.

I think it takes practice to hear the AV. I knew last nit what was happening yet I made the choice to drink. I have no real excuse or explanation.

I had no idea there were smart meeting in the area. I will check them out.

I find the concepts in the method easy to grasp. But like everything you need to practice and learn.

Sobriety is about education.

I have been to many AA meetings and they can be rather uncomfortable. I find the concepts to bit harder to accept.

I do like the fellowship part of the method. We all need support. That's why I am here.

I prefer to stick to posts about what's new in my sober life over this type but I accept the day for what it is and move on.

I feel like crap to even post that I drank. But if I do not admit it to those that support me I am only kidding myself.

Thanks for the reply and information.

wellwisher

I know - no one likes to post about that information but there is a sort of no pain, no gain type of thing that happens with honesty.

We've all been there and know.

No one can beat me up like me, and I'm sure we can all relate to that.

Keep going...one day this will all be a distant memory.

bumble

You DON'T need better negotiating skills! You don't need to negotiate at all. Picture a small child - a toddler, if you will - if the toddler starts whining for ice cream, would you negotiate? No. Of course not. You would say "NO. End of discussion. Go play somewhere else." And that is EXACTLY what you have to do with your AV. Say "NO" as many times as it takes because, as you know, the AV can be as relentless as a toddler that wants ice cream!

HitRockBottom70

Hey Weasel,
The 1 week itch gotcha again... You do so well, you should give yourself credit for that. If you think about it over the past 6 weeks you have drank only a few days. The months before that I'm sure it was daily right? You are getting there, but more tools are needed. Where you decide to pick them up is up to you. I found mine from the many people on the forum. I know there are many other options.

Dealing with "It" is so simple and hard at the same time. You decide to say NO forever. Really until you make this decision, you always have some excuse "It" can use to drink. Think about what door you left cracked open. If you determine what it was and want to post it may help others.*

Life is no simple task. None of us are perfect. There is a great post by GingerBeer in our May thread that was awesome. I will link it.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3448130

I really identify with it and it made me fell good. I hope it does for you as well.

LOVINGRA

Hi:

The problem is that the craving comes back. It is physiological and difficult to control without some kind of medical help, rehab, or strong support group. Taking even another sip of alcohol will throw your body right back where you started. If you can't overcome the craving, please consider getting professional assistance. Willpower really is not the issue.

L

Dalek

Wellwisher and Bumble are correct. As far as AVRT goes, you do not debate with the addictive voice, and you certainly do not negotiate or 'cut deals' with it. Debating and negotiating with the AV is the AVRT version of white knuckling, so with AVRT, we refuse to debate or negotiate.

Or, we can instead decide never to choose to drink again. By now you must know about the "Big Plan" of AVRT, which goes like this: "I will never drink again, and I will never change my mind."

If you think about it for a minute, that's the same thing as saying "I will never choose to drink again." This is the heart of AVRT -- permanently removing the option of choosing. No more 'daily decisions' not to drink.

The actual AVRT book course starts on Chapter 6, so keep reading. When you are finished with the book, read through the AVRT discussion thread in the secular connections forum. There is a lot of information on there, and it may help you gain a clearer understanding of the technique.