8 Years Married- Newly Separated for Recovery

Old 06-18-2012, 09:42 PM
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8 Years Married- Newly Separated for Recovery

Three months ago I found myself sitting down with my wife of eight years discussing an all too familiar topic. She was picking up a white chip and felt the need to proclaim this to me. Never before had she ever been the one to come forward. This was a shock and as I had normally been able to notice her relapses, I didn't see this one. She has a 5 year history of going in and out of treatment over prescription medication, mainly Fioricet the first couple of times, but it became worse. The latest decent was into Oxy/Roxy and there was a severe financial fallout that was discovered impacting us, and her parents. This was hidden from me until this discussion.

My wife proposed the idea of her being away from our house for the "90 meetings in 90 days" duration of the fresh attempt at sobriety. I was sympathetic as our house had become a neglected home, and a sad reminder of what she had caused as I stood idly by. This turned into her signing a six month lease as it was all that was available.

I didn't like that idea, but it is the path I have to work with. I am dedicated to working on me right now, but I continue to worry about us. Every moment it can creep into my thoughts, and I can't shake it.

Even though I said that I didn't like the way our current separation evolved, I quickly changed my mind about it after a good bit of introspection. I realized the masked and hidden toll our situation had taken on me. I uncovered the fact that I had de-valued myself and had lost so much self-respect through the past several years that I wasn't capable of being a loving husband anymore. I am committed to working on that everyday and have surrendered this situation to my higher power. I am committed to doing whatever it takes to salvage my marriage. I am active with an effective councilor who I see every week for now. What I am left with is a huge unknown....

My wife has indicated that she doesn't know if she wants to be married to me anymore, or to anyone else ever again. This was a huge blow to me and something I never thought I'd hear. After all, I'd stuck with her through every single relapse and treatment program. Like a rock I was going to tough this out. Only problem was after it wore me out and tore me down I couldn't deal with my own issues unless she left me. I'm working on that now and I see how important this actually is for me, her, and us. Only problem is that I feel a sense of fatalism in her words, like there isn't much hope for reconciliation. It's as if she decided moving on was the best course and can't bear to tell me that on top of all the shame, remorse, and guilt she holds in her heart.

We are in a strange place right now. She is less than two months clean and I am living alone without my wife for going on three months. We haven't spent much meaningful time together since then, but we speak/communicate nearly everyday. We have agreed to refrain from talking about "us" for right now in the interest of working on ourselves first. First things, first. What that means, I don't know.

My counselor has indicated that couples counseling shouldn't be considered for at least 6 months, but I can't help but wonder why it would be a good thing to let us drift farther apart. I feel like that is happening, but I can't trust my POV here.

The crux of this rambling first post is clear to me. I'm confused, disappointed, heart-broken, lost, and feeling terribly alone. I don't know what happens next, but I do know that taking care of myself first will be my best, first move. I want answers I know I can't get, but I had to remove this from my chest and I'm glad I did. Any comments/questions are more than welcome....thanks in advance.
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Old 06-18-2012, 11:06 PM
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Originally Posted by cynical one View Post
It’s been a while since I’ve seen a post where the counselor actually sounds competent when dealing with addictive relationships. Throwing two very sick people together to work on relationship issues is futile until they both have been individually working on getting healthy.
He's been big on analogies and said "It's like you are both drowning in a river and your first impulse is to save the one you love. Yet that would cause you both to perish. The correct move is to save yourself first, and work from the shore to save the other person." I get that....my issue now is allowing time to pass. It's like a sense of urgency that never goes away. The constant feeling that every moment passing leads us closer to the distance that will leave us alone and apart. I just can't get past it.
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Old 06-18-2012, 11:11 PM
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She's definitely overly distant and independent. The situation we find ourselves in was provided by an enabling family member. She cannot afford a 6 month lease, let alone living expenses. I had little to no input in this decision, yet it might be the only real chance we have. I can't imagine her living here right now after all that I have discovered about myself recently.
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Old 06-19-2012, 07:06 AM
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Welcome to SR. We all understand the confusion and anguish of loving someone who is addicted. The thoughts that won't stop running through the brain......it makes it very difficult to concentrate.

It sounds like you have a great counselor. Counseling, meetings (I go to Nar-Anon and Al-Anon but there are others as well), reading......it has all helped me. Recovery takes time. The hardest concept for me to grasp initially was how to let go of outcomes. How to keep my thinking in "today". I still have to work at it.

Your counselor's analogy was excellent. With addiction, we aren't dealing with trying to save someone from a swimming pool or gentle river.....we're attempting to save them from a riptide. There is no doubt that both parties will drown in that riptide until one of them (or both) let go of each other and begin swimming independently--parallel to the shore. Unfortunately, one (or both) will often continue to allow the riptide to take them further and further out to sea.....or one or both will start swimming against the riptide. Both of those efforts will have a poor result.

I hope you stick around and share your journey. You may not only find that it helps you but it also helps others who are struggling to find answers.

Welcome.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 06-19-2012, 07:13 AM
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Hi. I was struck by the statement "our home is neglected". Environment does matter. Since it sounds like you are still living there, invest some time and energy into fixing up the place. I think it is good for recovery. Best wishes to you friend.
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Old 06-19-2012, 09:55 AM
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Try to get that self-respect back.

No one is very appealing without it.
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Old 06-19-2012, 10:47 AM
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welcome to our forum. It's a great place to come while you begin this journey of working on yourself.

I remember when my now ex husband was in early recovery. Our respective counselors didn't cleear us for couples counseling for over a year. We both had way too much work to do on ourselves.

I hated the indecision and ambiquity of everything.... I wanted reassurance that if I "followed the rules" then things would turn out okay. I finally had to accept that things were going to turn out "ok" just maybe not the way that I wanted them to be. Finally, I got to the point where I realized that all I had any control over was how diligently I worked my own program. I figured that it was all time well spent and that no matter what happened in my relationship I would be in a better place with myself. It took awhile for me to get my thinking to shift but once I did I felt a whole lot better.

You are investing in your future no matter what so I hope that helps a little. It's a really good reminder for me right now!
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Old 06-19-2012, 10:48 AM
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Originally Posted by pinkdog View Post
Hi. I was struck by the statement "our home is neglected". Environment does matter. Since it sounds like you are still living there, invest some time and energy into fixing up the place. I think it is good for recovery. Best wishes to you friend.
This is one of my priorities. The past couple of years I've continued to work while my wife has neglected little things around the house to the point where I didn't have the desire to take up the slack. I was in a waiting game and I constantly was telling myself once she gets past this and finishes school, things will get better. The constant roller coaster caused me to basically become a spectator. Add money troubles and I felt stuck. No improvements made, things falling into disrepair, and clutter slowly taking over. Our home looked like a place where depressed people lived. With our separation, things have been moved and I'm left with the remains. I still have a house that can feel like a home, but there is a lot of things to be done. I'm excited about that and I know this is a key for me to improve many things about myself and my day-to-day life. Part of me is driven to do this to show her that I am pulling myself back up and getting back to living, but I know this has to be done for me. All of this sudden change makes me feel like my life was turned upside-down, or even over to a certain extent. I still feel crushed that all this happened, but I've committed to finding my way to a better me. I need to regain my identity and self-value.

I appreciate all the feedback and still have more to share....
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Old 06-19-2012, 04:25 PM
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Enabling question

One of the first things I quickly discovered after my wife left our home to fully focus on "finally getting it right" was that she hadn't yet embraced that to the level she was portraying to me and her parents. The "story" she provided to her parents was that she was clean since March 15th and moving forward from there. She left to stay with her sponsor for the first few days starting on the 28th and ended up staying in hotel rooms for around a week in early April. At this point I was still convinced this was a short separation to get her on the right track. I quickly realized money was being pulled out at an alarming rate. I also discovered that her father was providing money as well to "keep her from being on the street". This was all so confusing at the time. Here she was with some sort of plan I had little input in and her father giving her the money to stay in hotels (they wouldn't allow her in their home due to the severe acts of deception and theft) yet I'm suddenly being raided for money as well. I assumed that she had been cornered, trapped, and cut-off by her parents and when she saw that her using wasn't possible anymore she went for the next best option, which was escape. Since she couldn't achieve that on her own she did the next thing an addict does- enlist the enablers to take care of it.

I knew what was occuring and I cut her debit card off. Basically she motored through around $1200 between me and her father in around two weeks. That was evidently nothing compared to the previous 3-4 months, but obviously using was continuing. I remained silent in my talks with her parents about it, but I got her to admit what was occuring. Then I was informed that she had found a place with a six month lease and it was going to be fully funded by her father. She would be responsible for all living expenses through her job tutoring. I had finally protected myself from further thefts, and she seems to have finally stopped using and kept with the recovery program (which she never stopped going to even with her still using in April).

Long winded here, but her tutoring dried up enough to where I discovered her father was now giving her $500 a month with her promise to find more work. She did that and now has two jobs waiting tables, but still can hardly keep everything taken care of. She took out a title loan on her car for $600 to pay for an oustanding traffic ticket from a wreck in January and to get her CPR certification back to continue with her classes. This was another mistake on her part. She's now 5 days late on payment #1 and I can see nothing but finacial trouble on the horizon despite these handouts. I remained silent about this as well.

My question is how in the hell is she going to progress with recovery if her father wont stop this endless enabling? He's a very old-fashoned and stern man who doesn't understand addiction and believes that poor life choices are the root of the problem, yet he's continuing to contribute to part of the real problem. I feel like I need to have a talk with him about this, but I'm not sure it's wise for me to interfere with this right now. She still has asked me for a small amount of gas money a couple times in the last several weeks, and for some reason I don't think it's for using, but the more I think about it, the more unsure I become.

Is there any good course to follow here? I'm not sure what my wife told her parents to convince them that separation was the right answer here, but I now think it was. I'm in a bad place after all this and now I have room to breathe and start mending myself for what comes next, however I think my FIL is complicating all of this and I don't know what to do.....more confusion and distractions I don't need...
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Old 06-19-2012, 04:31 PM
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Ed, I'm going thru a similar situation right now with my husband, we too have just separated, it's been very tense with not much communication going on. I'm trying to deal with my own issues while he focuses on his recovery, but it is not easy and thoughts of worry and doubt pop in my head all day.

I've found posting on this board helps and seeing how many people have been and are going thru the same type of stuff. I have not attended alanon yet, it's difficult to find the time with work and kids but I do plan on checking some out and hopefully finding the right fit.
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Old 06-20-2012, 08:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Mitten2012 View Post
Ed, I'm going thru a similar situation right now with my husband, we too have just separated, it's been very tense with not much communication going on. I'm trying to deal with my own issues while he focuses on his recovery, but it is not easy and thoughts of worry and doubt pop in my head all day.

I've found posting on this board helps and seeing how many people have been and are going thru the same type of stuff. I have not attended alanon yet, it's difficult to find the time with work and kids but I do plan on checking some out and hopefully finding the right fit.
It's been nice to hear some feedback here. I've been fumbling my way through this separation and I'm still very confused. I found an Al-Anon meeting I will try on Friday and a Nar-Anon meeting Saturday morning. I intend on going to both. I should have tried this option several years ago.
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Old 06-21-2012, 06:19 PM
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Got a healthy dose of good guidance today from my counseling session. Lots of encouragement to "Let Go" of the unknown outcomes and the thoughts of repairing and reconciling the marriage at this point in time.

Another great analogy was given starting with the Bible verse that speaks about not looking back when plowing your field. The context of the scripture wasn't important to the analogy, but the message was. He was telling me that working on myself right now required great focus and no distraction. I'm having to plow MY field and my wife, HERS, without "looking back", or being distracted by each others work. He then spoke of the time we might begin to address "us" again by saying that might come when it's time to sow the seeds, or maybe when the crops are being tended and kept up, or maybe not until harvest, or maybe not until the feast is enjoyed.....maybe even not at all. Point being all these things must happen when you are farming the land regardless of whether it is me doing it on my own plot of land, or us doing it together. Either way requires that I focus on my task at hand all the way from the plow to the plate. Maybe not nearly as articulate as was presented today, but the spirit of the message resonated.

Just wanted to share that as a sort of update....this was a portion of my session today and it was very helpful.

Thanks again for all the help, guidance and feedback...my story continues...
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