hello....im new here
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: the shire
Posts: 379
hello....im new here
Hi to everyone.
Im glad I found this site.
I had a relationship with a coke addict and after I found out about his addiction I constantly go online in search of more information and of people who can help me more understand about what he is going through, what I am going through.
I would like to share my story.
My XAB (its been 12 weeks since we broke up) is a very smart, musically inclined, athletic, romantic kind of guy, very charming. It is surprising that most of the descriptions of the As here (as described by their significant others) are almost the same.
Sports and movies is what brought us together. We enjoy watching and playing sports. For movies, we love discussing the screenplay, the director's style, the actors' acting abilities.
When we started dating he taught me how to play golf, and in turn I taught him how to play tennis. We both play bowling, basketball and soccer.
After the first 2 months of hanging out together, I noticed that he would be missing on weekends. I never thought much of it since we spent the first 5 days of the week together. I know he drinks a lot, but it never dawned on me that he is an addict.
As we spend more time together, I notice that playing sports kept his mind from doing coke, so we play everyday alternately. Golf, tennis, bowling, soccer, basketball. We would stay until 10pm (from 6pm after his work) or until lights out at the park. We went to Mexico last december. He told his mom that it was so easy being in a relationship with me since we never argue.
On days that I wasnt with him, I would notice that there would be empty alcohol bottles at his house, when guilt ridden he would tell me that his "highschool friends" or the "midgets" (hs friends that are girls) were there. He would tell me, that there is this one girl too, whom he liked the same way that he liked me, (before he became serious with me and chose me over her instead) that would call him when she is hella drunk (this girls lives 25 miles away from us, we live in the city) but would choose to get her self so drunk that would use it as an excuse to call him and ask him if he could stay over. she would bring weed too an is very much into wild sex.
I would get upset and jealous. I would tell him that here we are doing healthy things for 5 days and this broad will come and will make him drink and do those things that would lead him to use coke. But just the same, Id forgive and it became a cycle.
Until last March, he binges. He wasnt able to pay his rent anymore. His mom and dad told me not to help him pay bills, rent anymore, since we alternately do it for him. I still have my own place but since I stay at his house most of the time, I didnt mind paying for cable and other utilities and groceries since I figured that I was there anyway. Since he is the first addict person I know, I didnt know that doing this for him made me an enabler and instead of helping I am actually hurting him more. He ask me once more if I can help (after owing me so much money), God knows how it broke my heart to say no, but I had to be strong. I said I would love to, but I would rather see him help himself. He said, he understands. He went to work the following day.
That weekend, he started his binge again. He would text me and tell me how much he misses me and how much he wants me to be around him, but he doesnt want me to see him high. He said he would call me soon. 2 days later, I got a text saying that we would stop what we were doing and he will try to get himself help. So I said that's fine since we (with his family) want to see him better. He came over my house, thank me for everything. I have a gut feel that he is going with someone else since I know that he is the type that cant be by himself and besides, he doesnt even have money to buy toilet paper, so Im pretty sure that there is someone who is helping him out. Until finally I found out that it was this girl.
When I called him asking him to make esay payment arrangements for the money he owes me, it was the girl who picked up his phone. Asking who I was, and said that she is the one using this phone now, since they are trying to screen the calls from the dealer. So I said ok. She was trying to convince me that since she is a recovering addict and that she is not what I think she is, (based on info that my XAB and his parents have told me about her) not true. I just said, all I wanted is the truth, because he kept denying her to me.
I spoke to his mom and told her everything about how he is with this girl now. She is worried because she knows this girl is alcoholic. She started therapy. She told me the same thing she said the therapist told her. That if I love his son, I would let him go, ignore all his phone calls, no contact and for me to move on. She said, that he should figure out his life since he is an adult.
He called me one more time, one day with 5 missed calls. His voicemessage says "call me please". Although it broke my heart, I never called him again.
Its been 12 weeks since I have seen him.
Now, I have several questions that I hope you can help me answer or at least share your insights/opinions.
1) Did he move on to the next girl since I am not enabling him anymore?
2) Will this girl, who is a recovering coke addict for 10 years, but still drinks until she gets ********* (got pulled over for DUI), smokes weed, has an 18 year old son that lives with her who smokes weed and gets high everyday, can help my XAB to sobriety?
3) Can he still use coke and drink alcohol and yet come to work?
I thank you everyone, who had the patience of reading thru this.
I dont mean to offend anything with what I wrote, if there's anything that doesnt sound politically correct, I apologize...I just tried to write what and how i feel.
Again, thanks.
Im glad I found this site.
I had a relationship with a coke addict and after I found out about his addiction I constantly go online in search of more information and of people who can help me more understand about what he is going through, what I am going through.
I would like to share my story.
My XAB (its been 12 weeks since we broke up) is a very smart, musically inclined, athletic, romantic kind of guy, very charming. It is surprising that most of the descriptions of the As here (as described by their significant others) are almost the same.
Sports and movies is what brought us together. We enjoy watching and playing sports. For movies, we love discussing the screenplay, the director's style, the actors' acting abilities.
When we started dating he taught me how to play golf, and in turn I taught him how to play tennis. We both play bowling, basketball and soccer.
After the first 2 months of hanging out together, I noticed that he would be missing on weekends. I never thought much of it since we spent the first 5 days of the week together. I know he drinks a lot, but it never dawned on me that he is an addict.
As we spend more time together, I notice that playing sports kept his mind from doing coke, so we play everyday alternately. Golf, tennis, bowling, soccer, basketball. We would stay until 10pm (from 6pm after his work) or until lights out at the park. We went to Mexico last december. He told his mom that it was so easy being in a relationship with me since we never argue.
On days that I wasnt with him, I would notice that there would be empty alcohol bottles at his house, when guilt ridden he would tell me that his "highschool friends" or the "midgets" (hs friends that are girls) were there. He would tell me, that there is this one girl too, whom he liked the same way that he liked me, (before he became serious with me and chose me over her instead) that would call him when she is hella drunk (this girls lives 25 miles away from us, we live in the city) but would choose to get her self so drunk that would use it as an excuse to call him and ask him if he could stay over. she would bring weed too an is very much into wild sex.
I would get upset and jealous. I would tell him that here we are doing healthy things for 5 days and this broad will come and will make him drink and do those things that would lead him to use coke. But just the same, Id forgive and it became a cycle.
Until last March, he binges. He wasnt able to pay his rent anymore. His mom and dad told me not to help him pay bills, rent anymore, since we alternately do it for him. I still have my own place but since I stay at his house most of the time, I didnt mind paying for cable and other utilities and groceries since I figured that I was there anyway. Since he is the first addict person I know, I didnt know that doing this for him made me an enabler and instead of helping I am actually hurting him more. He ask me once more if I can help (after owing me so much money), God knows how it broke my heart to say no, but I had to be strong. I said I would love to, but I would rather see him help himself. He said, he understands. He went to work the following day.
That weekend, he started his binge again. He would text me and tell me how much he misses me and how much he wants me to be around him, but he doesnt want me to see him high. He said he would call me soon. 2 days later, I got a text saying that we would stop what we were doing and he will try to get himself help. So I said that's fine since we (with his family) want to see him better. He came over my house, thank me for everything. I have a gut feel that he is going with someone else since I know that he is the type that cant be by himself and besides, he doesnt even have money to buy toilet paper, so Im pretty sure that there is someone who is helping him out. Until finally I found out that it was this girl.
When I called him asking him to make esay payment arrangements for the money he owes me, it was the girl who picked up his phone. Asking who I was, and said that she is the one using this phone now, since they are trying to screen the calls from the dealer. So I said ok. She was trying to convince me that since she is a recovering addict and that she is not what I think she is, (based on info that my XAB and his parents have told me about her) not true. I just said, all I wanted is the truth, because he kept denying her to me.
I spoke to his mom and told her everything about how he is with this girl now. She is worried because she knows this girl is alcoholic. She started therapy. She told me the same thing she said the therapist told her. That if I love his son, I would let him go, ignore all his phone calls, no contact and for me to move on. She said, that he should figure out his life since he is an adult.
He called me one more time, one day with 5 missed calls. His voicemessage says "call me please". Although it broke my heart, I never called him again.
Its been 12 weeks since I have seen him.
Now, I have several questions that I hope you can help me answer or at least share your insights/opinions.
1) Did he move on to the next girl since I am not enabling him anymore?
2) Will this girl, who is a recovering coke addict for 10 years, but still drinks until she gets ********* (got pulled over for DUI), smokes weed, has an 18 year old son that lives with her who smokes weed and gets high everyday, can help my XAB to sobriety?
3) Can he still use coke and drink alcohol and yet come to work?
I thank you everyone, who had the patience of reading thru this.
I dont mean to offend anything with what I wrote, if there's anything that doesnt sound politically correct, I apologize...I just tried to write what and how i feel.
Again, thanks.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,554
Welcome mrsbrownie - I'm so glad you found us. I'm not familiar with drug abuse, since I'm an alcoholic - but I'm sure someone will have advice & suggestions for you.
You may also want to check out our Friends & Family forums - where many people in similar situations have shared their stories. You are not alone.
You may also want to check out our Friends & Family forums - where many people in similar situations have shared their stories. You are not alone.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,964
Welcome to SR!
Maybe it's time to stick with no contact. If you are interested, get to Al Anon. Maybe scroll down from the Newcomer's Forum and take a look at the Family and Friends Forum.
It's time to let go of him and move on with your life, as much as it hurts to hear this. Big hugs and Love to you.
I am a former coke addict...it was another way for me to drink more alcohol....it is difficult to give up the coke. I make no assumptions on what your friend and his female friend are or are not doing. Please take care of you.
I wish you peace,
Maybe it's time to stick with no contact. If you are interested, get to Al Anon. Maybe scroll down from the Newcomer's Forum and take a look at the Family and Friends Forum.
It's time to let go of him and move on with your life, as much as it hurts to hear this. Big hugs and Love to you.
I am a former coke addict...it was another way for me to drink more alcohol....it is difficult to give up the coke. I make no assumptions on what your friend and his female friend are or are not doing. Please take care of you.
I wish you peace,
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
Here's our friends and families of addicts forum. Try it.
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 181
i may be wrong and forive me if i am but it siunds like he truly respects and loves you you but this other girl is providing him with the substances he feels his body needs and as she is probablys doing it herself hes more drawn to her but drugs can cause that affect. i have promised to stop drinking for the sake of my children but havnt managed and it disgusts me. i understand you care for him but maybes you need to sit back and wait for him to realise his own mistakes as the more people go on at him the more hell deny it. there will come a point where he hits rock bottom and realise what hes done wrong and he may come back to you and apologise to you but then you need to decide where to go from there but should that time come around theres loads of people here to help you
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