I want today to be the beginning but I must admit I'm scared
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Virginia
Posts: 2
I want today to be the beginning but I must admit I'm scared
Today when I woke up, I thought to myself today has got to be the day... there have been so many previous moments where I've thought okay, tomorrow I'll quit drinking - today I'll finish what we have in the fridge and then I can start tomorrow ... tomorrow comes and then I've pushed it back another day, another week, another month another year and i'm tired of pushing it back.... I can't put it off til tomorrow or the next day or the next day... I've got to try to make a stand at some point and what better day than today!?!
So I've been sitting here looking up alcohol dependence this morning and found this website. I immediately felt relief that perhaps I could find other people in my situation to talk to and share my thoughts with on the matter... because I'm sooo scared about what my family, my friends and my boyfriend will think if I try to quit completely - I don't want to make it a big deal to all of them ... I'd kinda like to quietly just stop but I know this will be easier said than done especially considering that everyone else around me isn't going to just up and quit because I feel the need to.... And its not that I necessarily want to be someone who never ever has a drink, but I want to know I can control it first... thus far I've felt like I do have control but the more I think about when was the last time I went for well lets say a week without drinking I'd say it was probably around the time I was 15 or 16... That's freaking SAD ... and disappointing ... and ....
I guess I probably had my first drink at 15 and from then on out have always drank - functionally for the most part - Always had a job from the time i was 15 and I always made great grades at school despite the fact that I loved to party any chance I got ... I didn't drink too much at this point but any chance I was out with friends and I had a lot of older friends, we'd bring alcohol along to wherever we were going... and the high school parties of course - they were full of access to alcohol. But because it was a social thing & I was so darn new to it all, it kept me in the "what's the big deal?" mind frame and the "oh well I'm young and this is what everyone does" mentality ...
oh but what fun times right? getting so drunk you have to be carried to bed or pulled out of a ditch where you passed out - or you make out with someone who almost takes your virginity before a friend luckily intercepts ... stealing your keys back and driving black out drunk; barefoot and no clue what happened to your shoes ... falling down all over the place and finding bruises and scrapes the next day and having no idea how they happened ... the list could go on and on but just overall saying and doing stuff you regret the next day is the point! .... then again that never really mattered because everyone else in the circle was doing the same damn thing and you all laugh about it together the next day; yeah one big freakin funny ass joke right... yeah, right.
So I was going along this way having a grand ol time trying other stuff too and smoking but when I was 19, a very defining moment in my life occurred; I lost a very dear friend to a drug overdose. No longer were we all invincible to the **** we were doing ... I never got mixed up in what he ODed on but it made me take a long ahrd look at myself anyway... I didn't like what I saw - I thought, I was never going to be someone who cared more about partying and drinking than anything else... what the hell happened? yeah well thats exactly what you are -
well it was a "whatever **** life, I wish I were dead too" time period for sure - I was so depressed and confused over the loss and of course to deal with it what did I do? Well the only natural thing ANYONE would do, right? I drank constantly to deal with the depression and heartache. in addition to the alcohol I popped any mood altering pills or painkillers I could get my hands on to numb the pain... It wasn't the best timing that I lived at my fathers during all this and he is the worst alcoholic I have ever come into contact with but its all I've known from him so it was no big deal; really I had grown used to just accepting my dad for what he was and how he was and it almost seemed normal - but I guess I put up a wall to how abnormal really it was around there... everyone gets blasted with their dads right? No big deal... and he didn't give a damn if sat and got drunk with him every evening - so naturally I had plenty of booze at my disposal and so every waking moment that I wasn't at work or school, I'd sit there getting drunk and wallowing in my sorrow even more profoundly I'm sure than if I'd gotten out and done something healthier to cope.
And I never stopped after that - I mean I got to a point where I came to terms with my friends death and time has a way of healing you slowly with that sort of thing. But, while I did slow down on drinking its never fully left me... its not that I don't do other things without alcohol sometimes, but more often than not alcohol plays a huge role in my life - there is rarely a day that I go without a drink and usually if I drink one then I'll end up drinking 5 or 6 or more (and mixing different types of alcohol too) And usually there's no special reason to even be drinking other than wanting it to reward a day of work or oh I need it to relax or for purely no reason at all other than i want to get tipsy!
and there's always been this feeling lurking deep down in me why do you feel like to have fun alcohol has to be included? I can't go anywhere with friends without us taking along alcohol because it'd be no fun otherwise ... activities planned are overshadowed by the urge to bring alcohol along to indulge in so that in my eyes, the activity is tainted because are we even really enjoying what we set out to do or is it the freakin alcohol that is making this fun for us??? I mean damn even family functions I always have to have a beer or cocktail in my hand (and of course a cigarette because believe it or not, thats another thing I can't kick as a drinker - got to the point where I don't really smoke unless I'm drinking, but that's not saying a whole hell of a lot!) and you better believe I don't stop at one drink, EVER. Who cares if its a family function, right? Maybe they shouldn't have put some beers in the cooler or wine on the table... I know that if I were to not drink alcohol at a family function (or any other type of function for that matter anywhere), I'd be sitting there all ansi not knowing what I should do next and having anxiety because I don't have a freakin drink in my hand... No wonder I don't really get drunk anymore but still wake up the next day feeling like a hungover slob in general... I'd say that occurs a good 3-4 times a week... Why in the hell can't I even just enjoy some front porch sittin with my honey with a pitcher of iced tea and no booze?? Hell, if its gonna be iced tea it better be that Firefly stuff they sell at the liquor store, right?
I feel like I'm missing some of the simplistic, natural beautiful moments in life ....
I'll often try to justify with oh I'm still young - oh this is okay because its a social setting and everyone else is doing it - oh its okay because **** I'm not one of those people who gets up first thing in the morning and drinks before work its just an afternoon/evening relaxation thing for me and after I've worked! - oh its okay, i'm not a dumbass who drives drunk anymore so since i'm staying where i'm at or getting a ride from someone its safe ... oh but I still take care of my obligations and priorities so no biggie right??
Screw what I try to tell myself to make myself feel better - I know that I've got a problem with alcohol and it scares the crap out of me that I'm going to just keep getting older and doing the same damn thing - turn into an old haggard lush; and I feel like I'm getting too close to that line where hey, its only going to go downhill from here ... I really don't want to go down like that! There is such a beautiful life to be lived and life is so very short and here I am wasting it with making alcohol a priority ....
as much as I like to try and sugar coat it or downplay my need for it, I have to face reality and do something about it! I must admit I'm terrified though of the idea - I do love to drink and I don't know how I'm going to do this - How I hope I can gather the courage and strength from somewhere.
And, I feel so damn crummy this morning - a headache which I wake up with alot even if I didn't really drink the night before... is this a withdrawal symptom? I just feel in general like crap physically alot of the time these days & I'm only freakin 27. I know if I could get out of this drinking prison I'm in and at least set a goal to not drink for a whole week (and then if I can get that far I'll shoot for 2 weeks) then I'd probably start to feel better physically and then I could get out and get some exercise in too - how lovely it would be to have focus to do some good wholesome clean fun things like visiting parks or trying a new sport or visiting a museum instead of sitting around drinking on days/ evenings off ??
I'm ready to get the meaningful fun filled life back I was always meant to have darn it!!!
But, I can tell you, I already sense a reluctance to follow through on this ... the very moments I was typing out that I want to try and go a week, I started to feel panicky... I started to hope that I can find some sort of excuse to warrant having a drink sometime this week... my mind is searching for some event that would make it okay.... how freakin sad - how freakin sad ... but maybe if I come and visit this website and stay positive and try to focus my mind on some other things I can succeed. I must have hope for if I don't, how do I expect to overcome any hurdles in life?
So I've been sitting here looking up alcohol dependence this morning and found this website. I immediately felt relief that perhaps I could find other people in my situation to talk to and share my thoughts with on the matter... because I'm sooo scared about what my family, my friends and my boyfriend will think if I try to quit completely - I don't want to make it a big deal to all of them ... I'd kinda like to quietly just stop but I know this will be easier said than done especially considering that everyone else around me isn't going to just up and quit because I feel the need to.... And its not that I necessarily want to be someone who never ever has a drink, but I want to know I can control it first... thus far I've felt like I do have control but the more I think about when was the last time I went for well lets say a week without drinking I'd say it was probably around the time I was 15 or 16... That's freaking SAD ... and disappointing ... and ....
I guess I probably had my first drink at 15 and from then on out have always drank - functionally for the most part - Always had a job from the time i was 15 and I always made great grades at school despite the fact that I loved to party any chance I got ... I didn't drink too much at this point but any chance I was out with friends and I had a lot of older friends, we'd bring alcohol along to wherever we were going... and the high school parties of course - they were full of access to alcohol. But because it was a social thing & I was so darn new to it all, it kept me in the "what's the big deal?" mind frame and the "oh well I'm young and this is what everyone does" mentality ...
oh but what fun times right? getting so drunk you have to be carried to bed or pulled out of a ditch where you passed out - or you make out with someone who almost takes your virginity before a friend luckily intercepts ... stealing your keys back and driving black out drunk; barefoot and no clue what happened to your shoes ... falling down all over the place and finding bruises and scrapes the next day and having no idea how they happened ... the list could go on and on but just overall saying and doing stuff you regret the next day is the point! .... then again that never really mattered because everyone else in the circle was doing the same damn thing and you all laugh about it together the next day; yeah one big freakin funny ass joke right... yeah, right.
So I was going along this way having a grand ol time trying other stuff too and smoking but when I was 19, a very defining moment in my life occurred; I lost a very dear friend to a drug overdose. No longer were we all invincible to the **** we were doing ... I never got mixed up in what he ODed on but it made me take a long ahrd look at myself anyway... I didn't like what I saw - I thought, I was never going to be someone who cared more about partying and drinking than anything else... what the hell happened? yeah well thats exactly what you are -
well it was a "whatever **** life, I wish I were dead too" time period for sure - I was so depressed and confused over the loss and of course to deal with it what did I do? Well the only natural thing ANYONE would do, right? I drank constantly to deal with the depression and heartache. in addition to the alcohol I popped any mood altering pills or painkillers I could get my hands on to numb the pain... It wasn't the best timing that I lived at my fathers during all this and he is the worst alcoholic I have ever come into contact with but its all I've known from him so it was no big deal; really I had grown used to just accepting my dad for what he was and how he was and it almost seemed normal - but I guess I put up a wall to how abnormal really it was around there... everyone gets blasted with their dads right? No big deal... and he didn't give a damn if sat and got drunk with him every evening - so naturally I had plenty of booze at my disposal and so every waking moment that I wasn't at work or school, I'd sit there getting drunk and wallowing in my sorrow even more profoundly I'm sure than if I'd gotten out and done something healthier to cope.
And I never stopped after that - I mean I got to a point where I came to terms with my friends death and time has a way of healing you slowly with that sort of thing. But, while I did slow down on drinking its never fully left me... its not that I don't do other things without alcohol sometimes, but more often than not alcohol plays a huge role in my life - there is rarely a day that I go without a drink and usually if I drink one then I'll end up drinking 5 or 6 or more (and mixing different types of alcohol too) And usually there's no special reason to even be drinking other than wanting it to reward a day of work or oh I need it to relax or for purely no reason at all other than i want to get tipsy!
and there's always been this feeling lurking deep down in me why do you feel like to have fun alcohol has to be included? I can't go anywhere with friends without us taking along alcohol because it'd be no fun otherwise ... activities planned are overshadowed by the urge to bring alcohol along to indulge in so that in my eyes, the activity is tainted because are we even really enjoying what we set out to do or is it the freakin alcohol that is making this fun for us??? I mean damn even family functions I always have to have a beer or cocktail in my hand (and of course a cigarette because believe it or not, thats another thing I can't kick as a drinker - got to the point where I don't really smoke unless I'm drinking, but that's not saying a whole hell of a lot!) and you better believe I don't stop at one drink, EVER. Who cares if its a family function, right? Maybe they shouldn't have put some beers in the cooler or wine on the table... I know that if I were to not drink alcohol at a family function (or any other type of function for that matter anywhere), I'd be sitting there all ansi not knowing what I should do next and having anxiety because I don't have a freakin drink in my hand... No wonder I don't really get drunk anymore but still wake up the next day feeling like a hungover slob in general... I'd say that occurs a good 3-4 times a week... Why in the hell can't I even just enjoy some front porch sittin with my honey with a pitcher of iced tea and no booze?? Hell, if its gonna be iced tea it better be that Firefly stuff they sell at the liquor store, right?
I feel like I'm missing some of the simplistic, natural beautiful moments in life ....
I'll often try to justify with oh I'm still young - oh this is okay because its a social setting and everyone else is doing it - oh its okay because **** I'm not one of those people who gets up first thing in the morning and drinks before work its just an afternoon/evening relaxation thing for me and after I've worked! - oh its okay, i'm not a dumbass who drives drunk anymore so since i'm staying where i'm at or getting a ride from someone its safe ... oh but I still take care of my obligations and priorities so no biggie right??
Screw what I try to tell myself to make myself feel better - I know that I've got a problem with alcohol and it scares the crap out of me that I'm going to just keep getting older and doing the same damn thing - turn into an old haggard lush; and I feel like I'm getting too close to that line where hey, its only going to go downhill from here ... I really don't want to go down like that! There is such a beautiful life to be lived and life is so very short and here I am wasting it with making alcohol a priority ....
as much as I like to try and sugar coat it or downplay my need for it, I have to face reality and do something about it! I must admit I'm terrified though of the idea - I do love to drink and I don't know how I'm going to do this - How I hope I can gather the courage and strength from somewhere.
And, I feel so damn crummy this morning - a headache which I wake up with alot even if I didn't really drink the night before... is this a withdrawal symptom? I just feel in general like crap physically alot of the time these days & I'm only freakin 27. I know if I could get out of this drinking prison I'm in and at least set a goal to not drink for a whole week (and then if I can get that far I'll shoot for 2 weeks) then I'd probably start to feel better physically and then I could get out and get some exercise in too - how lovely it would be to have focus to do some good wholesome clean fun things like visiting parks or trying a new sport or visiting a museum instead of sitting around drinking on days/ evenings off ??
I'm ready to get the meaningful fun filled life back I was always meant to have darn it!!!
But, I can tell you, I already sense a reluctance to follow through on this ... the very moments I was typing out that I want to try and go a week, I started to feel panicky... I started to hope that I can find some sort of excuse to warrant having a drink sometime this week... my mind is searching for some event that would make it okay.... how freakin sad - how freakin sad ... but maybe if I come and visit this website and stay positive and try to focus my mind on some other things I can succeed. I must have hope for if I don't, how do I expect to overcome any hurdles in life?
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Welcome to SR. You won't be the first person scared to quit. But if you read through a couple hundred posts you will see another kind of fear that drinkers have--the fear of not being able to quit and knowing alcohol is going to kill them. The fear I had.
Deal with the fear of quitting...it's easier. Again, welcome.
Deal with the fear of quitting...it's easier. Again, welcome.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Fluttering About
Posts: 3,760
Hi sumbug
Welcome to SR
We have all been where you are.. I know I was...in fear, lonliness, misery and a bunch of other feelings and emotions I couldn't even identify. Broken promises and commitments that didn't amount to a hill of beans. And oh of course it mattered what other people thought. after all we had to please them...that was part of the insanity...I couldn't keep my promises but I had to keep face with them.
On this journey of recovery I learned it was more important to "To thine own self be true" and the respect of others followed after that. I also learned that the alcohol and chemicals were only an excuse for a deeper spirital malady for which there is a spiritual treatment.
That treatment is most effective when working with others. This journey of recovery is thankfully not one you have to do alone.
Peace on the journey
Welcome to SR
We have all been where you are.. I know I was...in fear, lonliness, misery and a bunch of other feelings and emotions I couldn't even identify. Broken promises and commitments that didn't amount to a hill of beans. And oh of course it mattered what other people thought. after all we had to please them...that was part of the insanity...I couldn't keep my promises but I had to keep face with them.
On this journey of recovery I learned it was more important to "To thine own self be true" and the respect of others followed after that. I also learned that the alcohol and chemicals were only an excuse for a deeper spirital malady for which there is a spiritual treatment.
That treatment is most effective when working with others. This journey of recovery is thankfully not one you have to do alone.
Peace on the journey
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,422
Hey Sumbug 
When I first started hanging out here I didn't imagine there was any way I could live the rest of my life sober. My life had revolved around booze for about 19 years, and I'm only 36. I'd been drunk FOREVER. The best I was hoping for was a way to help me moderate.
Like Doggonecarl says, most of us were scared of quitting. But there's a reason there are so many people here writing about how good it is to stay sober. Sober is brilliant. It can be hard as hell to start with, but it's worth the effort. I was "functional" like you, but facing the fact that the rest of my life was going to be like the first part - all about booze. Now I have a real future, and am loving my present.
I'm about three and a half months clean of booze and coke, and I'm never going to drink again. It's cool, I promise.
Jump in dude. What the hell have you got to lose?
Nice to meet you
Still
xx
When I first started hanging out here I didn't imagine there was any way I could live the rest of my life sober. My life had revolved around booze for about 19 years, and I'm only 36. I'd been drunk FOREVER. The best I was hoping for was a way to help me moderate.
Like Doggonecarl says, most of us were scared of quitting. But there's a reason there are so many people here writing about how good it is to stay sober. Sober is brilliant. It can be hard as hell to start with, but it's worth the effort. I was "functional" like you, but facing the fact that the rest of my life was going to be like the first part - all about booze. Now I have a real future, and am loving my present.
I'm about three and a half months clean of booze and coke, and I'm never going to drink again. It's cool, I promise.
Jump in dude. What the hell have you got to lose?
Nice to meet you
Still
xx
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Welcome to SR Sumbug
So glad you found us. I found this site googling alcohol related health problems. I'm only 30 but alcohol was seriously destroying my life. My physical and mental health were not good and I'd utterly lost any self respect because I had tried and failed to stop drinking, many times over, everyday in fact, for 3 years. It was very tiring.
Finding this place has been a godsend for me and I'm sure it will be for you too. It is very nice to have people around who understand and can help when you are struggling.
Regarding feeling crummy, yes it is part of withdrawals and it may last longer than a week. I'd recommend going to see a doctor and telling them that you intend to give up drinking. It does get better and sooner than you think, but you may feel a bit rubbish for a little while.
All the best x
So glad you found us. I found this site googling alcohol related health problems. I'm only 30 but alcohol was seriously destroying my life. My physical and mental health were not good and I'd utterly lost any self respect because I had tried and failed to stop drinking, many times over, everyday in fact, for 3 years. It was very tiring.
Finding this place has been a godsend for me and I'm sure it will be for you too. It is very nice to have people around who understand and can help when you are struggling.
Regarding feeling crummy, yes it is part of withdrawals and it may last longer than a week. I'd recommend going to see a doctor and telling them that you intend to give up drinking. It does get better and sooner than you think, but you may feel a bit rubbish for a little while.
All the best x
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: La Junta, CO
Posts: 18
Welcome. I understand your fear because I feel it too. I was also a health care professional, so I have had medical training on the evils of alcohol, and I *still* drink! My best friend had a seizure while withdrawing from alcohol (I didn't even know she was an alcoholic) and she almost died -- and still I keep drinking. This is really tough, really scary stuff. But thank heavens I don't feel like I'm the only one on the island anymore.
Stillsleeping is right -- the fear of quitting can't be worse than the fear of dying. We are here for you! We can do it!
Stillsleeping is right -- the fear of quitting can't be worse than the fear of dying. We are here for you! We can do it!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 181
i start drinking after my dad died in a road traffuc accident that wasnt his fault so it made me realise i wasnt invinsible and all it takes is to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, so i have spent my life keeping away from things i find might be dangerous(which is everything). even taking a short walk scares me as i dont know whats looming round the corner so i turned to drink as it took all those fears away for a while but next day back to square one. i dont believe anymore that people drink for fun or social reasons, i believe 99 percent of people drink through some bad experience that has happened in their life or because they or unhappy in some way and it always takes people to reach rock bottom before they realise which is disheartening as it would be nice to reach people before it got to rock bottom.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Welcome to the family, sumbug! You're in good company. Most of us have felt the same as you. I had lived so much of my life in a fog that I was terrified to experience the real world, without my buffer. I had to admit that it was no longer fun or helpful to get loaded - it was dangerous. Every time I picked up, the outcome was unpredictable. It was such a relief to eliminate it from my life, and live with eyes wide open.
The more you read here, the more comfortable you'll become with the idea of quitting. It only feels strange in the beginning. I hope you'll find encouragement and hope here, as you share your journey with us. Congratulations on your decision.
The more you read here, the more comfortable you'll become with the idea of quitting. It only feels strange in the beginning. I hope you'll find encouragement and hope here, as you share your journey with us. Congratulations on your decision.
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