alia

Let me describe my boyfriend and his problem:

- He is 23 years old;
-first time he blacked out was when he was 17;
-his father has been sober for 6 years but was an abusive alcoholic throughout my boyfriend's childhood;
-drinks socially and never alone;
-does not turn to alcohol when he is stressed or upset; drank once a month or so;
-majority of the time once he starts drinking, he struggles to stop and believes himself to be in control - eventually will black out;
-feels shame and guilt;
-has tried to stop completely but eventually believes he is in control and will start drinking little amounts at first, but inevitably after a few months will blackout again;
-verbally abusive towards me during blackouts

His last blackout incident was in August 2011. He started therapy and was regularly going for about 6 appointments and then felt he was okay. Since then he has been abstinent from alcohol - 10 months. Recently, however, he admitted to me that he was not mentally prepared to take any further steps other than refraining from drinking and he also has restricted himself from going to bars/lounges. He has not told his parents or friends - only me. He is not comfortable with going to AA. We have decided to separate while he figures out what he wants for his future. The first night - he went out to a bar for a friend's birthday - breaking his second rule which he made so that he wouldn't get too comfortable and tell himself he could drink. I guess that didn't work. After speaking to him this morning he stated that he has curiosity that is making him want to try to drink again with strict limits. I know that this won't work but it is not clear to him. I did not say anything as to break the co-dependency, however it is breaking my heart. WHY IS ALCOHOL SO IMPORTANT TO HIM?! Why is it worth him risking his future?

After reading his description do you think he is an alcoholic? Is going to a bar/lounge on occasion appropriate? What needs to happen for him to want to live a sober, healthy, and happy life? Why does he feel curiosity to drink alcohol again when he has already damaged his life with it?

I don't understand. Please help!

Learn2Live

There's a book you need to read called "Under the Influence: A Guide to the Myths and Realities of Alcoholism," by Milam and Ketchum. You can get it on Amazon for a penny + shipping. It also may be available at your public library.

dollydo

" WHY IS ALCOHOL SO IMPORTANT TO HIM?!"

Cause he is addicted to it. Until he stops for life and embraces a strong recovery program nothing will change. And, in my opinion, abuse of any kind is a deal breaker.

Learn2Live

Please also notice how you started your thread: HIS problem. All the things you listed are HIS problem NOT YOURS. You are too close to him still even though you have separated. You know too much. Probably because he is TELLING you too much. This is how they push the problem onto US and we go insane trying to fix their problems. I've learned that when they share too much, so much that it becomes MY problem, they need to STFU and leave me alone. But getting them to STFU and leave me alone is MY problem, MY responsibility. I need to protect myself from people who make their problems mine. Try going No Contact (NC).

To answer your questions:
Yes.
No.
We cannot figure this out for another person. This is something he needs to figure out for himself. You cannot do it for him.
The "curiosity" he speaks of is just an excuse. You are now on a wild goose chase in response to a single sentence an alcoholic has stated is his reason for why. He drinks and continues to drink despite the consequences because he is an alcoholic. There is NO other reason why. You cannot repair or fix any of the things he says is the reason why he drinks.

Tuffgirl

Can't say it any better than L2L above. But I do want to say I am sorry you are experiencing this at such a young age. Maybe its time to reconsider this relationship's future and what you want out of life? Do you want to spend yours chasing around a hostile alcoholic? Or having a peace and fun filled life and family of your own?

alia

I know all of these things. I know in my heart that he needs to find his own way to recovery - but stepping away and watching him consider drinking again, man does it make my heart feel heavy. It is an indescribable agony to watch a wonderful man (sober) continue to not love himself enough to want a chance at a happy future.

alia

I do need to reevaluate, but I am still having a tough time accepting the enormity of this whole thing. I start al-anon this week. Maybe that will help me accept reality a little more.

Thanks everyone for the support.

FredG

Can't tell you whether he's an alcoholic or not. Here's self assessment test for him or you to look at to help decide.
Am I An Alcoholic - Take a Self-Assessment Alcoholic Test