I'm a sick, sick person...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
I'm a sick, sick person...
Anyone who has complimented me on being strong lately, I'm sorry for fooling you. I have no self-respect because I don't deserve any. I don't think I could feel much lower than I do today.
I haven't let go of my husband yet. He still has a strong hold on me emotionally. He is going out of town for work tomorrow and called to ask if I can watch our dog tomorrow night. It's over an hour drive from my parents' house. He didnt come see the kids this weekend, and not for Father's Day. He said he didnt have the money. He sounded a little off again, and also told me the house is a mess and there is blood on the carpet because he cut his hand the other night and didn't have anything to clean it with. I told him I don't want the boys at the house if he's been drinking, and I am just not comfortable. I also told him its his fault he's in this mess because of the binge he went on. He told me to "f**k off" and then texted me "File the divorce papers, you lying slapper."
Why do I let myself get abused like this? When I talk to him I feel like lying in the corner in the fetal position immediately after. How did I not see what a horrible person he can be, and why did I believe all of the lies? Am I crazy, did I imagine the sweet and nice guy he was before? I hate living at my parents', I have no car and no life outside of work. I'm going to be a bitter, abused, divorced lady at 30, and I don't see it ever changing. How pathetic.
I haven't let go of my husband yet. He still has a strong hold on me emotionally. He is going out of town for work tomorrow and called to ask if I can watch our dog tomorrow night. It's over an hour drive from my parents' house. He didnt come see the kids this weekend, and not for Father's Day. He said he didnt have the money. He sounded a little off again, and also told me the house is a mess and there is blood on the carpet because he cut his hand the other night and didn't have anything to clean it with. I told him I don't want the boys at the house if he's been drinking, and I am just not comfortable. I also told him its his fault he's in this mess because of the binge he went on. He told me to "f**k off" and then texted me "File the divorce papers, you lying slapper."
Why do I let myself get abused like this? When I talk to him I feel like lying in the corner in the fetal position immediately after. How did I not see what a horrible person he can be, and why did I believe all of the lies? Am I crazy, did I imagine the sweet and nice guy he was before? I hate living at my parents', I have no car and no life outside of work. I'm going to be a bitter, abused, divorced lady at 30, and I don't see it ever changing. How pathetic.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 317
You deserve respect Emmy. You're like all of us, we have been there. You got sucked in, as we all have in the past...don't dwell on it. Just keep focusing on you. Don't speak to him Emmy. That's where his power comes from. You must start your own recovery. I KNOW it is hard. I am going through same thing. Go to an Alanon meeting because there you will find someone who can help you through. Come on here. I am sad as hell missing my husband but I am not engaging right now and that is the only thing keeping me sane. He can make arrangements for the dog. At least you have parents, I WISH I had parents to go to...you have yourself and your kids and that has to be your focus. When you focus on him, your kids are missing a piece of you. Get mad now.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Emmy girl big :ghug3
It takes awhile to get through all of this, if you think you are the only one that has or has had these feelings , think again sweets, we all have, every single one of us.
You are grieveing, you are sad, and this is hard. Please keep posting, get all this stuff out, he is just being a manipulating, abusive alcoholic because he is not getting his way, he can't drink and have you, and he will try to abuse you into coming back.
Don't buy it, yes you are sick, I am sick too, but we will get better!!!!
I promise. xoxoxo
It takes awhile to get through all of this, if you think you are the only one that has or has had these feelings , think again sweets, we all have, every single one of us.
You are grieveing, you are sad, and this is hard. Please keep posting, get all this stuff out, he is just being a manipulating, abusive alcoholic because he is not getting his way, he can't drink and have you, and he will try to abuse you into coming back.
Don't buy it, yes you are sick, I am sick too, but we will get better!!!!
I promise. xoxoxo
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
It just hit me, this guy didn't bother to be with his kids for Father's Day but he's making arrangements for his DOG? Please don't watch that dog or do any other favors for him. You're not his helper.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
(((EmmyG))) I'm sorry you were upset by this call.
Maybe next time:
"Gee, sorry to hear about the carpet, and I have other plans so I won't be able to take care of the dog. I'm sure you can figure out some way to take care of all of this."
Maybe next time:
"Gee, sorry to hear about the carpet, and I have other plans so I won't be able to take care of the dog. I'm sure you can figure out some way to take care of all of this."
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
You are young and there are alot of good, responsible, sober men out there, divorcing him is not the end of your life, it is the beginning, he is not the man you fantasize
him to be.
Please go no contact, until you do that nothing will change, you are doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result...won't happen.
You are in therapy right?
him to be.
Please go no contact, until you do that nothing will change, you are doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result...won't happen.
You are in therapy right?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 61
I can relate. Just starting the painful process of detachment from my husband of 29 years. You remember how kind he was before- the alcohol changes a person from a Dr Jekyll to a Mr. Hyde. There are still glimpses of the person he used to be. We keep hope that if he recovers that sweet person will resurface again. And they can, if THEY choose to recover. But we have no power or control over that. We need to take care of ourselves now and be as strong and healthy as we can be.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
No, you are not a sick person. You are a normal person who can't quite believe that someone could be so horrible and cruel and emotionally deformed as your AH is. You talked to him because you have to because you have children together; now is the time to start disengaging during contact with him so that it doesn't hurt you anymore. Of course you feel devastated after contact with him; he is being extremely emotionally abusive to you. That does not make you a weak person; he knows all the buttons to push to hurt you because you gave your heart to him.
You didn't imagine the sweet and caring man you married. He's just been consumed by the demon of addiction. So, no, the good man is not around anymore. He's tied up and gagged in the basement of the alcoholic, or maybe he's gone forever. What once was, is no more.
I know it's not ideal at your parents, but try to feel better by telling yourself it's the best thing you can do for your kids right now. You are doing it for them, and that is noble. Things will not always be the way they are right now; they will get better, you will have your own place again. Is there any way you can get a car? That would certainly help.
Hang in there. We are all in this together.
You didn't imagine the sweet and caring man you married. He's just been consumed by the demon of addiction. So, no, the good man is not around anymore. He's tied up and gagged in the basement of the alcoholic, or maybe he's gone forever. What once was, is no more.
I know it's not ideal at your parents, but try to feel better by telling yourself it's the best thing you can do for your kids right now. You are doing it for them, and that is noble. Things will not always be the way they are right now; they will get better, you will have your own place again. Is there any way you can get a car? That would certainly help.
Hang in there.
We are all in this together.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
Aw, honey, this is so hard. Trust me - I've been divorced for almost 6 years now and once again am having to re-learn how not to be overinvolved in my AXH. I too have no car and a crappy job. But on top of that, I don't have to put up with my ex. That would make it all so much worse.
But this time, I figured it out sooner, implemented it better and stood stronger.
Sometimes we take steps backwards, sometimes we stand still. That is the nature of recovery - we don't always move smartly forward.
Please don't be so hard on yourself. You are here on SR, learning, asking questions. That is what you do to get better.
But this time, I figured it out sooner, implemented it better and stood stronger.
Sometimes we take steps backwards, sometimes we stand still. That is the nature of recovery - we don't always move smartly forward.
Please don't be so hard on yourself. You are here on SR, learning, asking questions. That is what you do to get better.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Oh, Emmy. I can feel your distress through the black & white of the words on the monitor. You AREN'T sick, you DO deserve respect & this person that you are right now is not the person you will always be for the rest of your life. And some days, well.... they just suck & you can't imagine ever feeling good about yourself again. But you will, I promise!
It hurts. It sucks. It's unfair. You & your kids deserve so much better. Stay strong & keep focused on your recovery. :ghug3
It hurts. It sucks. It's unfair. You & your kids deserve so much better. Stay strong & keep focused on your recovery. :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 222
its sure not easy Emmy and having made ah leave in November I know how it feels in those early days. I even feel the same sometimes still.
It will take TIME to heal all the hurt and you have to allow yourself time to really feel all that you may have bureid in the past.
It doesn't make your job any easier when they act like and a**hole and when you are carying the load all by yourself.
Remember this - you and your chilldren deserve better- you desrve to be happy.
Hang in there
It will take TIME to heal all the hurt and you have to allow yourself time to really feel all that you may have bureid in the past.
It doesn't make your job any easier when they act like and a**hole and when you are carying the load all by yourself.
Remember this - you and your chilldren deserve better- you desrve to be happy.
Hang in there
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 557
Originally Posted by EmmyG 
I told him I don't want the boys at the house if he's been drinking, and I am just not comfortable. I also told him its his fault he's in this mess because of the binge he went on. He told me to "f**k off" and then texted me "File the divorce papers, you lying slapper."
Don't look after him, or his dog. Protect yourself emotionally. You may love him but he's draggin you down with him. You don't have to go there.
I wasn't married when I was drinking, but my family went through a lot of what you're talking about. I didn't say "File the divorce papers _____" but I did say "then kick me out _____" - They did
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
Emmy,
I am sorry you are/were feeling so weak after talking to your AH. I went through the ringer with my ABF's family on Thursday where they wanted to 'talk' about the problems I am having in my r/s with my ABF. I think things are okay (at least for now) with them. I get mad at myself for even caring what they think, because I know how I am suffering in my r/s with my ABF and it really isn't any of their business how I feel about him drinking. I feel like i get sucked into an emotional trap but I have stood my ground (Finally) and told them how I feel and that there will be consequences due to A's drinking and I am sorry if that hurts or offends them as it isn't meant to. I am human. I have feelings. I have cared for ABF for a very long time and it is hard to just shut those emotions off and quit feeling. What I have come to realize is that the feelings I have when he drinks are terrible, awful feelings and I don't like feeling that way anymore.
I am going to have to go live with my mom too at 37 years old (so I have 7 years on you). I haven't had to live with my mom since I was 18. While I am not really looking forward to it because I feel like I shouldn't be living with my mom at 37, I am grateful I have a place to go to. I know she and her boyfriend will help me with my son (2) and that is something to look forward to because I get virtually none from ABF. I am going to school and I struggle getting assignments complete because I am mostly the only person who attends to the parental responsibilities and the house work, etc. Still, I don't want to go live with my mom, LOL! At this point, I am choosing the BETTER situation for my son. I can't afford my own place AND childcare so I might be there until he is old enough to go to kindergarden (grrrrrr). But after my 2 year old son telling me last night all on his own that: "Daddy snore" "Daddy Drunk" "Momma no get drunk" "Zaza (his nickname) no get drunk" "Zaza no like when daddy drink" "Momma no like when Daddy drink" and finally "Daddy likes beer" "Daddy likes to drink", I know it's time. I was pretty much in shock that a 2 year old could even say those things or comprehend what is happening, but alas, he totally could. He said ALL those things on his own, in the dark of night, laying in my arms. It literally broke my heart and made me so sad, but happy at the same time because I know after that conversation that I will do what is right for me and him. I just confirmed his feelings and told him that I loved him, I would keep him safe and finally I said, "If Daddy keeps drinking we have to go live somewhere else." And my boy, 2 years old said, "Okay momma." "I love you momma"
Amazing what these little people can understand. Know that you have made a firm decision Emmy, although hard emotionally and even physically, that you are keeping your children safe. I am pretty certain they don't like being around a man who is drunk all the time. Maybe I assume, but judging the thoughts of a 2 year old, I can certainly say the drinking affects all it touches. You are not weak to be hurt from this. Rather, you are strong to be hurt and still stick to your ground and stay firm in your convictions for your own sanity and for your boys. Sure, Father's Day weekend was probably rough for everyone involved, but you made it through and new week begins towards your own recovery.
Wishing you peace and love.
CS
I am sorry you are/were feeling so weak after talking to your AH. I went through the ringer with my ABF's family on Thursday where they wanted to 'talk' about the problems I am having in my r/s with my ABF. I think things are okay (at least for now) with them. I get mad at myself for even caring what they think, because I know how I am suffering in my r/s with my ABF and it really isn't any of their business how I feel about him drinking. I feel like i get sucked into an emotional trap but I have stood my ground (Finally) and told them how I feel and that there will be consequences due to A's drinking and I am sorry if that hurts or offends them as it isn't meant to. I am human. I have feelings. I have cared for ABF for a very long time and it is hard to just shut those emotions off and quit feeling. What I have come to realize is that the feelings I have when he drinks are terrible, awful feelings and I don't like feeling that way anymore.
I am going to have to go live with my mom too at 37 years old (so I have 7 years on you). I haven't had to live with my mom since I was 18. While I am not really looking forward to it because I feel like I shouldn't be living with my mom at 37, I am grateful I have a place to go to. I know she and her boyfriend will help me with my son (2) and that is something to look forward to because I get virtually none from ABF. I am going to school and I struggle getting assignments complete because I am mostly the only person who attends to the parental responsibilities and the house work, etc. Still, I don't want to go live with my mom, LOL! At this point, I am choosing the BETTER situation for my son. I can't afford my own place AND childcare so I might be there until he is old enough to go to kindergarden (grrrrrr). But after my 2 year old son telling me last night all on his own that: "Daddy snore" "Daddy Drunk" "Momma no get drunk" "Zaza (his nickname) no get drunk" "Zaza no like when daddy drink" "Momma no like when Daddy drink" and finally "Daddy likes beer" "Daddy likes to drink", I know it's time. I was pretty much in shock that a 2 year old could even say those things or comprehend what is happening, but alas, he totally could. He said ALL those things on his own, in the dark of night, laying in my arms. It literally broke my heart and made me so sad, but happy at the same time because I know after that conversation that I will do what is right for me and him. I just confirmed his feelings and told him that I loved him, I would keep him safe and finally I said, "If Daddy keeps drinking we have to go live somewhere else." And my boy, 2 years old said, "Okay momma." "I love you momma"
Amazing what these little people can understand. Know that you have made a firm decision Emmy, although hard emotionally and even physically, that you are keeping your children safe. I am pretty certain they don't like being around a man who is drunk all the time. Maybe I assume, but judging the thoughts of a 2 year old, I can certainly say the drinking affects all it touches. You are not weak to be hurt from this. Rather, you are strong to be hurt and still stick to your ground and stay firm in your convictions for your own sanity and for your boys. Sure, Father's Day weekend was probably rough for everyone involved, but you made it through and new week begins towards your own recovery.
Wishing you peace and love.
CS
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