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Advices on opening up?

Old 06-17-2012, 10:16 AM
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Advices on opening up?

Hi everybody!

I'm very new at recovery (and being sober). Doctor still trying to figure out what would be best for me, if I should go to rehab, etc. I was told they had a plan for me during the upcomming week. They also talked with me about trying to open up to people close to me about it, tell them what is going on, etc.

I am an abuser of pills and alcohol and will take drugs when available. It has gotten really bad several times with overdosing, psychotic states and all that. Opening up and telling people close to me about anything is an extremely big step for me, and this was the first time I ever did something like that.
Sadly people did not take it well. They didn't get mad or anything but they completely acted like there was no problem, saying they haven't noticed anything and saying I'm probably just having a hard time right now. (It has been going on for 6 years.)

My mom said I was just hungover and kept giving me wine, saying it would help and make me feel better - "and stop talking nonsense then". This is despite the fact she has been driving me to the hospital several times, related to alcohol and drugs. My dad said I'm not old enough to having developed addiction to alcohol (I'm turning 22 next month). Boyfriend first thought I was joking and kept talking about when we should go out for drinks again. When I told him that I'm serious about it he said that I had no problem and he always mentions "oh but my mom is working with some addicts so I would know".
My friends just ignore it and pretends the problem doesn't exist. Or they laugh at it and make jokes about that I would not be me without alcohol. All these people would in the past make some rude comments about how much I drink, tell me that maybe I should cut down and such. Now they turn their backs on me.

I know it might not be easy for people to deal with and I have been told this. But that does not help me at all. I don't expect them to even deal with it. Jus that they stop litteraly holding alcohol in front of me, teasing me and saying I want it or that it will make me feel better. I feel so betrayed by several of them - it was always me getting people to bed when they have gotten a bit too much, guiding them through bad trips, gotten them home safely and so on.

Is there any way to tell people that this is actually serious? Has anyone else tried the same reaction from others?
I keep reading about how the support from friends and family is the most important, but I think I'm gonna have to do this on my own.
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Old 06-17-2012, 10:33 AM
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hello fatale, welcome and good for you for taking this seriously. You're brave for getting this sorted at 22, took me nearly 2 decades on from that.

I went to see an addiction counsellor when I stopped. He asked me who would support me in this (out of friends and family). I had one person, which really, really, depressed me.

I had to cut out a lot of friends (we did stay in touch a bit, but I think we found it uncomfortable). My middle brother tells me "are you mad? drinking is the only thing that keeps me sane", and my older brother and me don't talk. My younger brother, abuses alcohol and drugs, but bless him, he has tried. He won't go down the pub with me anymore if I pop to see him, he'll just drink red wine at home and watch movies with me (and for him, this is massive).

My boyfriend (now ex) kept having a go at me for trying AA and telling me "why would I want to sit with a bunch of London alcoholics", and that I didn't have an issue. This is despite having told me I needed to stop drinking (as I would turn a bit nuts with him when drunk).

Despite all this... it's got better. The friends who didn't get it first, now do, a bit. They have seen the changes in me.

Keep telling your friends and family (the ones you can stay in touch with) you are doing this for you as you need to as it will make you feel better (say it loudly and firmly... if they don't get it..their issue), and how important this is (and tell them the gory reasons why if needs be, I told one friend I'd been suicidal so this was why I'd stopped, but obviously that's up to you).

Are you living with your family? Reason is, that if people are discouraging you, you may need to avoid them for a bit. I had to. Try and get people supportive in your life e.g. online, support groups, anything. I've had to make changes/stop seeing some people (I had a lot of big drinking friends) and I can't see two of my brothers yet.

Yet, I'm now touched at those who have supported me, often unexpectedly. I've met people online and in meetings. It does get better. Best wishes to you, keep posting.

[EDIT] meant to add.. you're not alone if you're on here. And the longer you are sober, the more sober people you will get to know. You'll start doing different things without being out of it.
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Old 06-17-2012, 10:36 AM
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Hmmm... it sounds to me like you don't have enough good people around you. I'm 24 and I can understand a lot of your concerns because I too have people look at me like I'm completely MAD for quitting alcohol and for turning my life around. The person closest to me (my husband) has never once thought that because he knows what alcohol does to me and my behaviour with it, but friends don't quite get it and neither does my mum. She says to me: "ohhh just have a sip of this wine! It's so delicious" - she just can't understand that when I say I've given up alcohol I mean I have given it up! Slowly, people are starting to realise that I am totally serious about this and there's no amount of jokes, comments or persuasive behaviour that will make me give in. I think the problem is, and this isn't very nice to think, people are quite happy to let others mess up because it makes them feel better... and then, when they begin to turn themselves around and are no longer the one that makes mistakes, I think they're almost annoyed. Annoyed because they haven't got that person they can compare themselves to and feel better about who they are and what they do. By quitting alcohol you are causing people to question their own behaviour with alcohol and I don't think people react well to that. I don't have much advice on the situation because so far, the only thing I've noticed that has made people stop joking and commenting and trying to make me drink, is time. Time and a completely determined attitude from me... stay strong and don't give in. YOU CAN DO THIS! Good luck and welcome to SR - stick around, you'll find a huge amount of help here.
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Old 06-17-2012, 10:36 AM
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you now you have a problem and it is what it is. Do you want help from your friends & family? That was a double edged sword for me. I have a new set of friends in AA and on SR that help me tremendously (even when Im a brat)

Good luck and enjoy your sobriety! Trust me...there is alot to enjoy!
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Old 06-17-2012, 10:45 AM
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You must let go of any shadows lurking in your light, You must cut any strings that are preventing you from freefalling into recovery. You must freefall into recovery. Have no thoughts holding you back, only thoughts propelling you forward.
If others cannot accept you, find some people who do, other addicts/alkies who have made it through the war victoriously. Do Not hang around with anybody who still uses or drinks unless you are not miserable enough and need some more pain.
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Old 06-17-2012, 10:47 AM
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age means nothing to the diseases of alcoholism and addiction. i heard an open speaker at roundup who was 42 years old. she had been clean and sober 28 years.

i had a few times in my past had people that told me they were stopping drinking. i didnt want to lose drinking friends so i would push em to drink. throwing me out of their lives was the best move they made.
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Old 06-17-2012, 11:08 AM
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I feel for your situation Fatale. Friends and family just want you to be okay, with little inconvenience to themselves. It's not that they don't care more that they just don't know how to process what you're telling them. I would suggest getting some support from other addicts. Maybe AA or anything else you can find near you. And of course SR is a great place for support x
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Old 06-17-2012, 11:44 AM
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Regeneration - Its nice to know others have tried the same. And I really admire being able to watch someone drink wine without getting a drink yourself. Almost anything will turn me to drink; specific music, a movie, seeing someone have a beer at the café.

I'm not living with my family but I do see the often. It is also not really possible for me to avoid them as my parents own and live on the farm where my horses. I also have to help them out often; and they have family and friends over often for beer, wine, etc.

Thank you very much for your reply, and I hope you will be able to see your brothers again and it will work out.

MrsKing - I have not exactly been the best company myself. So the friends - even tho I would not call them friends - I have now makes sense I believe. I have pushed the good people away so that is really my own fault.
I know some of my friends are scared of me quitting because they are afraid they are gonna be the next me or because I'm their only supply of certain medicine and other stuff. Which is not exactly something to be proud of when I think of it.
But yes, also some people are afraid because they start thinking about their own behaviour - and they might not like what the figure out. I know my mom compares her use of alcohol with mine. 2-3 bottles of wine a day doesn't sound that bad when someone else will drink twice as much.

I certainly plan on sticking around tho! It never hurts to try out a forum. (I hope, haha.)

OklaBH - That's actually a good question. I haven't thought about who I want help and support from. I will think about that.

Budrichbob678 - Just sad the brain seems to work against your own will sometimes. I don't think I can cut out everyone who drinks forever, but I can certainly distance myself from them untill I can say no. (And stick to it.)

tomsteve - Indeed. It just seems like there is this idea about an alcoholic = some old man/woman on a bench that never showers and lives in a mess. And if you don't fit into that people wont think there is an issue. I keep an extremely clean house and can shower several times a day. And I have tried people telling me just "oh, but your house is so clean! You don't have any issues!".. While some people might argue that such an obsession with having everything clean is an issue itself, haha.

Thank you everyone for replies and I'm sorry if I kinda suck at this forum-thing. Like if there is some easier way to quote people.. I just haven't used a forum before and I gave up on finding another way to do this.

(Oh crap, now there are 2 ways of replying.. Too many options!)
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Old 06-17-2012, 11:48 AM
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Originally Posted by hypochondriac View Post
I feel for your situation Fatale. Friends and family just want you to be okay, with little inconvenience to themselves. It's not that they don't care more that they just don't know how to process what you're telling them. I would suggest getting some support from other addicts. Maybe AA or anything else you can find near you. And of course SR is a great place for support x
Yes, I'm sure its not that family dont care. (Maybe in some cases.) But it would be easier for everyone if they asked, rather than doing stuff in confusion and end up working against someones wish.
I also know part of the problem for my mom is that her parents and grandparents died of reasons directly related to alcohol and smoking and she also drinks alot herself. So it might not be easy for her to watch her own son going down the same road.

I have considered going to some AA-meetings. There is one every week just a few minutes from my home, actually. I just dont want to go there when I have been drinking - which I can't stop doing if I have to leave my house.
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