Tired of being tired - long post
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Tired of being tired - long post
Hi all this is my first time posting so it will be a long one. I have been with my AH for 25 years. He is in pain mgt. and prescribed some heavy meds because he has become tolerant after all these years. He has had surgeries on his back. His back is not any better and the doctors have said he will be on pain meds for the rest of his life. He abuses his pain pills, always running low by the end of the month. He also abuses alcohol & pot from time to time.
He had a urine analysis at the doctor’s office 2 months ago and was warned by his doc that if weed showed up again “he might be dismissed from pain mgmt.” (My husband’s words – although I don’t think he understands that the doctor means business because my husband has been going to this doctor for treatment for many years now - he looks at the doctor as a friend and not as a “Doctor”) so I think he is in for a rude awakening. I thought that the fear of being without any meds at all would scare him enough.
I am finally posting after being a lurker for a long time because I am at my wits end. His abuse comes in cycles as does life. Some weeks are good and some bad. He has been on what I would say is a binger for a few nights now. It all started a few nights ago when my husband smoked some pot. I was so ticked off I could not sleep, I cried, I screamed, I ranted I raved, you name it. All the things a good CODEPENDENT WIFE does. My reason for ranting and raving of course is that I am the one that is fearful of what will happen if and when he gets cut off. I will be the one that has to deal with the repercussions too when he ends up in the emergency room in terrible back pain because he no longer has any meds or when he ends up in psych ward or worst when he kills himself. These are all the anxiety ridden thoughts of a codependent wife who is tired of being tired, tired of being full of anxiety and angst. All my bitching is not going to change anything and I know that but why can’t I get it into my thick scull! I know I need to change myself and I have come to the conclusion that my marriage may end because I think my husband checked out a long time ago dealing with all his back pain and I have just basically been his caregiver for a few years now. We really don’t’ relate any more and have not for a long time. I feel like his friggen mother – a mother with an unruly child who does not want to listen!
The sad part is that I think I stay because of course I love him (my screwed up feeling of “love”), loyalty, fear of what will happen to him and last but not least “financial security” and not really wanting to go through the difficult process of divorce after 25 years of marriage. Also I have a real issue with my marriage vows “for better or worse – in sickness and in health.”
Anyway I am just venting because it has been a bad few days. He has been on this cycle of staying up all night and not sleeping much and then half dozing all day and then having a beer or two which just intensifies his STUPIDITY. Just yesterday he ran some errands (half asleep all day) and came in and I was wondering what was taking so long so I got up and looked out the window only to see him half asleep in his car, one foot in and one foot out – HOW EMBARRASING! I know I should not feel embarrassed but damn it I do – we have neighbors! I got him in the house and finally convinced him to go to bed – it is like a little kid being afraid that he is going to miss something trying to get him to go to bed! I was glad to get him in bed so that I could at least attempt to relax or should I say SIT AND STEW! I got out my naranon book which a family member gave me a while ago and of course cried, prayed, etc., (going in circles as usual).
Anyway, I know I need help as does he but he has to get it for himself and I know that from all the reading I do. I am really trying to get the courage to go to a naranon meeting. I do vent to a family member who has been through a similar situation and that helps but I know that I need much more.
Sorry for such a long story, and rambling, I could write a friggen book!
He had a urine analysis at the doctor’s office 2 months ago and was warned by his doc that if weed showed up again “he might be dismissed from pain mgmt.” (My husband’s words – although I don’t think he understands that the doctor means business because my husband has been going to this doctor for treatment for many years now - he looks at the doctor as a friend and not as a “Doctor”) so I think he is in for a rude awakening. I thought that the fear of being without any meds at all would scare him enough.
I am finally posting after being a lurker for a long time because I am at my wits end. His abuse comes in cycles as does life. Some weeks are good and some bad. He has been on what I would say is a binger for a few nights now. It all started a few nights ago when my husband smoked some pot. I was so ticked off I could not sleep, I cried, I screamed, I ranted I raved, you name it. All the things a good CODEPENDENT WIFE does. My reason for ranting and raving of course is that I am the one that is fearful of what will happen if and when he gets cut off. I will be the one that has to deal with the repercussions too when he ends up in the emergency room in terrible back pain because he no longer has any meds or when he ends up in psych ward or worst when he kills himself. These are all the anxiety ridden thoughts of a codependent wife who is tired of being tired, tired of being full of anxiety and angst. All my bitching is not going to change anything and I know that but why can’t I get it into my thick scull! I know I need to change myself and I have come to the conclusion that my marriage may end because I think my husband checked out a long time ago dealing with all his back pain and I have just basically been his caregiver for a few years now. We really don’t’ relate any more and have not for a long time. I feel like his friggen mother – a mother with an unruly child who does not want to listen!
The sad part is that I think I stay because of course I love him (my screwed up feeling of “love”), loyalty, fear of what will happen to him and last but not least “financial security” and not really wanting to go through the difficult process of divorce after 25 years of marriage. Also I have a real issue with my marriage vows “for better or worse – in sickness and in health.”
Anyway I am just venting because it has been a bad few days. He has been on this cycle of staying up all night and not sleeping much and then half dozing all day and then having a beer or two which just intensifies his STUPIDITY. Just yesterday he ran some errands (half asleep all day) and came in and I was wondering what was taking so long so I got up and looked out the window only to see him half asleep in his car, one foot in and one foot out – HOW EMBARRASING! I know I should not feel embarrassed but damn it I do – we have neighbors! I got him in the house and finally convinced him to go to bed – it is like a little kid being afraid that he is going to miss something trying to get him to go to bed! I was glad to get him in bed so that I could at least attempt to relax or should I say SIT AND STEW! I got out my naranon book which a family member gave me a while ago and of course cried, prayed, etc., (going in circles as usual).
Anyway, I know I need help as does he but he has to get it for himself and I know that from all the reading I do. I am really trying to get the courage to go to a naranon meeting. I do vent to a family member who has been through a similar situation and that helps but I know that I need much more.
Sorry for such a long story, and rambling, I could write a friggen book!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 15
Thanks. I am just sitting here stewing with my own self destructive thoughts, trying to pull my head out of my arse and trying to get on with my day of chores, etc. I am just having a pitty party this morning because here it is Father's day and I would love to be spending it with my significant other who is still in bed at 12:30 p.m. and is hung over, pissing and moaning about how bad his back hurts this morning because he did not take any meds last night (because of course his ass did not need any more meds he passed out DUH).
I am going to go put my Ipod music on (music always makes me feel better) and do what I need to do today to keep myself busy instead of sitting here going through all the "WHYS and WHAT IFS" and stop sitting here on my pitty party obsessing about his dumb ass, I know if I get up and move I will feel better!
Thanks again, I hope I get tired enough to check out a meeting.
I am going to go put my Ipod music on (music always makes me feel better) and do what I need to do today to keep myself busy instead of sitting here going through all the "WHYS and WHAT IFS" and stop sitting here on my pitty party obsessing about his dumb ass, I know if I get up and move I will feel better!
Thanks again, I hope I get tired enough to check out a meeting.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Originally Posted by tjp613 
Have you thought a out seeing a counselor?? It could REALLY help you sort out your feelings and help define some good boundaries for yourself.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
Dr. Drew has addressed the pain med tolerance frequently. There's a book--When Painkillers Become Dangerous--with information from him and others which may help you.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 134
Tired ... Please do find the courage to get to a meeting. They really do help. It's odd how sometimes it's just being in the room, seeing all the faces of others who REALLY do know how you feel, and the really care too. Unexplainable how, it just helps (((hugs )))
I'm tired too ... some days more than others but have also experienced days of laughter, joy and hope in spite of the chaos. So glad you're here ... it's not all doom and gloom, hang in there
I'm tired too ... some days more than others but have also experienced days of laughter, joy and hope in spite of the chaos. So glad you're here ... it's not all doom and gloom, hang in there
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Tired, wehave a lot in common, I have been married to my A for 28 years and have been with him for almost 31 we, were mere kids when we got together. I have had problems with my wedding vows, I also had a difficult time getting myself to attend any meetings.
The last stunt my AH pulled while living in our house was April 27th, I asked him when he came home on the 28th to move out and he did... I finally found the courage to start meetings and then found the courage to get a sponsor.
I can tell from your post that you know what you need to do you know that starting meetings and/or counseling is a good start my question is when are you gonna start taking care of YOU ?
The last stunt my AH pulled while living in our house was April 27th, I asked him when he came home on the 28th to move out and he did... I finally found the courage to start meetings and then found the courage to get a sponsor.
I can tell from your post that you know what you need to do you know that starting meetings and/or counseling is a good start my question is when are you gonna start taking care of YOU ?
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Originally Posted by crazybabie
Tired, wehave a lot in common, I have been married to my A for 28 years and have been with him for almost 31 we, were mere kids when we got together. I have had problems with my wedding vows, I also had a difficult time getting myself to attend any meetings.
The last stunt my AH pulled while living in our house was April 27th, I asked him when he came home on the 28th to move out and he did... I finally found the courage to start meetings and then found the courage to get a sponsor.
I can tell from your post that you know what you need to do you know that starting meetings and/or counseling is a good start my question is when are you gonna start taking care of YOU ?
The last stunt my AH pulled while living in our house was April 27th, I asked him when he came home on the 28th to move out and he did... I finally found the courage to start meetings and then found the courage to get a sponsor.
I can tell from your post that you know what you need to do you know that starting meetings and/or counseling is a good start my question is when are you gonna start taking care of YOU ?
I almost feel guilty for coming on these boards as I am not being abused physically, (verbally sometimes but that comes from both of us, usually me more so getting angry at him and calling him a junkie and stuff (I know my bad). He is a good provider and does pay his own way (although he is a compulsive shopper - another addiction of his) but our bills are always paid on time. I have a nice home, a nice car, I have a good job and could take care of myself if I needed to leave but why do I continue to stay and be miserable????????????? I know it is not all about his addictions, a lot has to do with just being married for so long and growing apart too. Its not like we really enjoy each other's company anymore, he is usually in one room and me in another. The times we are together we are usually arguing about the sky is blue/sky is not blue, stupid stuff. I seem to be falling to pieces over the last few days. My AH addiction, our marriage, they way relate/not relate, my head is spinning. But when I am not here I miss him terribly, I don't get it. But then there are days when he is in active addition, that I despise him LIKE TODAY.
Sometimes I wish my husband would leave, but I know my AH will not leave, his attitude is this is his house, he ain't going no where (house is in both of our names). I do know that he has physical health problems that does warrant his usage of pain medication but he also abuses them and has not been able to find his balance, I am afraid he will never find his balance with them!
I really don't even know why I stay. I guess I have gotten use to the daily grind of stuff, sure we get along from time to time, but for the most part I am not really happy when I sit and think. I put on a brave face and a good front to all of my friends. I think that I have become complacent with things after 25 years and just don't want to rock the boat so I go about being the caretaker, cook, chief bottle washer and floor scrubber!
Sorry I am just be sarcastic right now as I am ticked at him because he is still sitting pissing and moaning about how bad he feels trying to blame it all on his back injury when I know the dirty truth, he drank too much last night, blah blah blah. I am so tired of hearing it and I am starting to despise him which makes me evil, no easier way to put it. I know I should just go watch some TV, take the dog for a walk, go workout, go listen to some music, go read my naranon book but darn it I WANNA BE PISSED. It really stinks when we let our own-selves be miserable!
Thanks for your support.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
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I don't know why you stay besides your not ready to leave yet. I know in my case I AM addicted to my husband he IS my drug. I have not quit my drug I have tapered it, sounds insane because an addict has to quit
The song Poison by Beyonce use to fit me too a tee not anymore I have made progress if you can't get yourself to attend a face to face meeting right now maybe try some online? Just a thought.
The song Poison by Beyonce use to fit me too a tee not anymore I have made progress if you can't get yourself to attend a face to face meeting right now maybe try some online? Just a thought.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Originally Posted by crazybabie
I don't know why you stay besides your not ready to leave yet. I know in my case I AM addicted to my husband he IS my drug. I have not quit my drug I have tapered it, sounds insane because an addict has to quit
The song Poison by Beyonce use to fit me too a tee not anymore I have made progress if you can't get yourself to attend a face to face meeting right now maybe try some online? Just a thought.
The song Poison by Beyonce use to fit me too a tee not anymore I have made progress if you can't get yourself to attend a face to face meeting right now maybe try some online? Just a thought.
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