Absolutely no sense of self worth
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Absolutely no sense of self worth
OMG
Am I realizing I got NO sense of self worth nor self trust. And that my inner critic can be BRUTAL.
I got invited to a shooting picture event, there was a project for tattooed people and I sent my picture. Well it turned out it was "selected" to be taken pictures by a huge photograpgher!
So I went and there were several triggers.
1 I gained weight. I feel FAT.
2 I saw myself in the mirror and thought how ugly I looked.
3 I had gone to have dinner beforehand, well they forgot my plate so I ended up having 2 juices and that was it. Yes I am still unhealthy enough to feel it is personal when the kitchen messes up an order!!
4 There were HUNDREDS of people, I saw the place and I saw a woman being taken pictures, pretty and with lots of attitude and with 5 different people taking pictures of her and many others looking...
5 I wonder how the %&%$ I am going to be succesful in this fashion business if internally I feel like a trembling mouse in the corner.
So there I was just like many other times seeing other people doing new stuff and I was observing them in the background. I felt self pity. AGAIN..
I said hi to some friends and left.
On the other hand
1 Its now very clear to me I won't solve this self worth issue alone
2 I am trying to see this not as "chickening out" but realizing I was not going to be comfortable and respect this feeling, respect I may not be that LOOK AT ME! personality and its fine
3 Most people there were drinking and although it has not affected me as it had before, I still notice zigzagging and lost eyesight and it brings back memories I would prefer to forget.
Then there is this HUGE designer, one of the best in town, and he is SUPER friendly but also superdrunk... and I wonder, if I have a "in the background" personality that I am not sure I would ever be able to change, if I am going to make it in this career. I don't know I just feel kind of fragile. Trying to remember I don't have to be anyone else. And to remember I have to be ME and not start trying to "fit in" and start drinking or even drugging.
I don't want to blame this on my parents but I understand where this comes from, I had no "winner" attitude to learn from, both of my parents (even if my dad was "succesful" in his career) ask for permission to even exist. Codies "R" us. I have noticed some people, their security on how they carry themselves, their trust on life and I have envied them... of course they both come from very friendly and healthy family systems. WOE is ME!
Or like the other day when a peer said she spent all afternoon laughing with her mom & her mom's friends who are very funny, and I realized I NEVER heard my mom laugh much with anyone, or invite friends home. She was always alone and I notice I am doing the same, kind of driving people away with my abandonment issues.
Thanks for letting me share. I am still in a depressed state these days it seems. At least I am planning to keep being honest with myself and finally schedule the therapy session I have been putting off due to fear. And maybe feeling I don't deserve some other things in life, I am afraid of the unknown. The good news is that I feel *slightly* more compassion towards myself, and will be working all Sunday not to beat myself up for what happened this Saturday nor other days last week, which was definitely not my week.
Am I realizing I got NO sense of self worth nor self trust. And that my inner critic can be BRUTAL.
I got invited to a shooting picture event, there was a project for tattooed people and I sent my picture. Well it turned out it was "selected" to be taken pictures by a huge photograpgher!
So I went and there were several triggers.
1 I gained weight. I feel FAT.
2 I saw myself in the mirror and thought how ugly I looked.
3 I had gone to have dinner beforehand, well they forgot my plate so I ended up having 2 juices and that was it. Yes I am still unhealthy enough to feel it is personal when the kitchen messes up an order!!
4 There were HUNDREDS of people, I saw the place and I saw a woman being taken pictures, pretty and with lots of attitude and with 5 different people taking pictures of her and many others looking...
5 I wonder how the %&%$ I am going to be succesful in this fashion business if internally I feel like a trembling mouse in the corner.
So there I was just like many other times seeing other people doing new stuff and I was observing them in the background. I felt self pity. AGAIN..
I said hi to some friends and left.
On the other hand
1 Its now very clear to me I won't solve this self worth issue alone
2 I am trying to see this not as "chickening out" but realizing I was not going to be comfortable and respect this feeling, respect I may not be that LOOK AT ME! personality and its fine
3 Most people there were drinking and although it has not affected me as it had before, I still notice zigzagging and lost eyesight and it brings back memories I would prefer to forget.
Then there is this HUGE designer, one of the best in town, and he is SUPER friendly but also superdrunk... and I wonder, if I have a "in the background" personality that I am not sure I would ever be able to change, if I am going to make it in this career. I don't know I just feel kind of fragile. Trying to remember I don't have to be anyone else. And to remember I have to be ME and not start trying to "fit in" and start drinking or even drugging.
I don't want to blame this on my parents but I understand where this comes from, I had no "winner" attitude to learn from, both of my parents (even if my dad was "succesful" in his career) ask for permission to even exist. Codies "R" us. I have noticed some people, their security on how they carry themselves, their trust on life and I have envied them... of course they both come from very friendly and healthy family systems. WOE is ME!
Or like the other day when a peer said she spent all afternoon laughing with her mom & her mom's friends who are very funny, and I realized I NEVER heard my mom laugh much with anyone, or invite friends home. She was always alone and I notice I am doing the same, kind of driving people away with my abandonment issues.
Thanks for letting me share. I am still in a depressed state these days it seems. At least I am planning to keep being honest with myself and finally schedule the therapy session I have been putting off due to fear. And maybe feeling I don't deserve some other things in life, I am afraid of the unknown. The good news is that I feel *slightly* more compassion towards myself, and will be working all Sunday not to beat myself up for what happened this Saturday nor other days last week, which was definitely not my week.
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
I don't think it is fair to say you have "absolutely no sense of self worth.". I think that is your inner critic reigning supreme and I politely request for her to put on a dunce cap and go sit in the corner for a while. It is okay to recognize things we need to work on, it is totally not okay to beat ourselves into the ground. That's not allowed TC!
Now then, I give you credit for 1.) taking the photo and submitting it and 2.) going to the event. See me...I generally don't make it to events in general. I hide behind school and work as excuses to why I can't do xyz. Events that include alcohol and a lot of people make me want to go crawl in a hole and hide. It totally scares me. So kudos to you for even showing up!
Baby steps. This time you showed up and you were there for a while, next time you can actively participate more. (and I do believe there will be many more opportunities for you my dear)
The inner critic is way out of line saying you are fat, ugly, and that you'll never solve this self worth issue. Sure, you have work to do but you at least have a SENSE of self worth because you love yourself enough to come here and look for support. Now, if you had ABSOLUTELY no sense of self worth, you would've gone to a deep dark place and found something self destructive to do.
Give yourself credit for the things you do. Give yourself time to work on those things you need to work on.
And for the record, you are a positive and loving presence on this board and I think it's safe for me to speak for eveyone and say we vehemently disagree with the idea that you will never overcome these issues. Can wait for that lightbulb post saying you conquered all.
Love,
Lily
Now then, I give you credit for 1.) taking the photo and submitting it and 2.) going to the event. See me...I generally don't make it to events in general. I hide behind school and work as excuses to why I can't do xyz. Events that include alcohol and a lot of people make me want to go crawl in a hole and hide. It totally scares me. So kudos to you for even showing up!
Baby steps. This time you showed up and you were there for a while, next time you can actively participate more. (and I do believe there will be many more opportunities for you my dear)
The inner critic is way out of line saying you are fat, ugly, and that you'll never solve this self worth issue. Sure, you have work to do but you at least have a SENSE of self worth because you love yourself enough to come here and look for support. Now, if you had ABSOLUTELY no sense of self worth, you would've gone to a deep dark place and found something self destructive to do.
Give yourself credit for the things you do. Give yourself time to work on those things you need to work on.
And for the record, you are a positive and loving presence on this board and I think it's safe for me to speak for eveyone and say we vehemently disagree with the idea that you will never overcome these issues. Can wait for that lightbulb post saying you conquered all.
Love,
Lily
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 
5 I wonder how the %&%$ I am going to be succesful in this fashion business if internally I feel like a trembling mouse in the corner.
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
I have noticed some people, their security on how they carry themselves, their trust on life and I have envied them... of course they both come from very friendly and healthy family systems. WOE is ME!
I see similarities with a lot of high-pressure professions. I really admire you for deciding you wanted to leave. I wonder if you could write out some reasons for working as a model: a cost-benefit analysis to see if you want to continue in the profession. Like, if you're making enough that you're putting together a great nest egg for the future, then okay--you might decide that's worth putting up with weirdness from time to time. But if it's a lot of angst and dealing with weird people--and then it turns out that you're earning the same amount that you'd make at a less triggering job? Eh, maybe not worth it.
I can share this: the "feeling insecure in a profession" thing gets better with time. You develop a thicker skin, but more importantly you learn the difference between someone who's being brusque or abrupt in what they're asking of you (tolerable, maybe even helpful) and some sophomoric wanna-be or has-been who's on a power trip (not helpful and toxic).
About "confident" people you were observing: I have had people say to me at work, "You always seem so confident and laid-back and poised!" One time I responded to a work-friend: "Yeah, SEEM is the operative word there!" Maybe other people actually FEEL confident from the first day on the job but I was always questioning myself. I still do, when I'm venturing into a new territory.
About fifteen years ago I started putting on this act at work, like taking on the personna of Smiling Confident Akrasia. I never let myself say things like, "Ooh, that looks tough," or "I'm not sure I could do that," although I thought those sorts of things all the time. At first I felt a bit silly, but when I saw that people responded positively to it, the "act" came on more naturally.
Don't get me wrong, I'm myself at work and I have friends there, but I keep the Smiling Confident Akrasia mantle nearby and I slip it on when things get tough.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
By your description of your work, you are in a business which is about "Glamour."
The root definition of "glamour" is "illusion." That which is not real, pretending to be real. In ancient times, the word "glamor" meant a magic spell.
It is possible that your recovery is working and that you are no longer able to cooperate with illusion. The event you described might have made you uncomfortable because the people there reminded you, deep down, of your experiences with a man who was not-- and is not-- what he appears to be. Your exabf. The event evoked insecurity and self-doubt, which is what he also evoked in you, because he was gaslighting you during the relationship--trying to make you think that his illusion was real.
After being in relationship with addicts, and in recovery from the illusions, I am much less able to play along with pretense and "glamour." Maybe you are, too.
Since you are in a field based on glamour, you'll have to figure out how you can accept its illusions and still maintain your personal authenticity. I think the appt. with a therapist is a great idea.
The root definition of "glamour" is "illusion." That which is not real, pretending to be real. In ancient times, the word "glamor" meant a magic spell.
It is possible that your recovery is working and that you are no longer able to cooperate with illusion. The event you described might have made you uncomfortable because the people there reminded you, deep down, of your experiences with a man who was not-- and is not-- what he appears to be. Your exabf. The event evoked insecurity and self-doubt, which is what he also evoked in you, because he was gaslighting you during the relationship--trying to make you think that his illusion was real.
After being in relationship with addicts, and in recovery from the illusions, I am much less able to play along with pretense and "glamour." Maybe you are, too.
Since you are in a field based on glamour, you'll have to figure out how you can accept its illusions and still maintain your personal authenticity. I think the appt. with a therapist is a great idea.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Though I was working my own recovery when I met my exAH I did still struggle with self-esteem issues and feelings of low self-worth.
For me those issues allowed me to get into a relationship with my ex, but more importantly stay in that relationship even when I realized that I was not in a good situation. I kept trying to make it all about me....and tried to make all his stuff my fault.
Counseling has really helped me with this. Counseling is a place for me to work on my stuff, and a lot of my other support is to help me bring it into relationship with the outside world. Sometimes I had to fake it until I made it around this, but having that support helped regardless.
I know that funds are limited right now for you, but do you have an opportunity to get some support through school?
Regardless without acknowledgement changes can't be made. It is a yucky way to feel, but until I was able to see it there was little I could do about it.
Congrats on your recognition....sorry for how you feel.
For me those issues allowed me to get into a relationship with my ex, but more importantly stay in that relationship even when I realized that I was not in a good situation. I kept trying to make it all about me....and tried to make all his stuff my fault.
Counseling has really helped me with this. Counseling is a place for me to work on my stuff, and a lot of my other support is to help me bring it into relationship with the outside world. Sometimes I had to fake it until I made it around this, but having that support helped regardless.
I know that funds are limited right now for you, but do you have an opportunity to get some support through school?
Regardless without acknowledgement changes can't be made. It is a yucky way to feel, but until I was able to see it there was little I could do about it.
Congrats on your recognition....sorry for how you feel.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
In "Just for Today", Iyanla VanZant wrote the following (italics are hers)
There is a force that uses our fears and insecorities to keep us off track. It is called the deceptive intelligence and it is a tricky little bugger! The deceptive intelligence will lead you to believe that all of your prayers have fallen on deaf ears. That all of your faith will prove to be fruitless. At the slightest sign of weakness on your part, the deceptive intelligence will send you off the deep end, to chase shadows in the dark and abandon your dreams.
The deceptive intelligence will use your mouth to say things that you cannot take back. It will use your body to do things that cannont be undone. The deceptive intelligence will keep you up at night! The deceptive intelligence will make you see things that are not there and hear things that are not said. You must be aware of the deceptive intelligence! More important, you must recognize that the deceptive intelligence is not lurking out there. Oh no! It is in you!
If you are afraid of them, leery of this, doubtful of that, thinking of yourself as unworthly, undeserving or out there on your own, the deceptive intelligence will move into your heart and mind, set up housekeeping and have a banquet on your dreams! There is only one way to save yourself from the influence of the deceptive intelligence. That is to know the truth. The truth is: "No weapon formed against me shall prosper!" The deceptive intelligence may be in you, but you must know that neither inner or outer enemies will prosper or take over unless you let them.
Until today, you may have been employed by the deceptive intelligence to frighten yourself, confuse yourself or take yourself off course. Just for today, refuse to be used by the inner voices that will lead you to believe something other than the truth.
She is SOOO smart!
There is a force that uses our fears and insecorities to keep us off track. It is called the deceptive intelligence and it is a tricky little bugger! The deceptive intelligence will lead you to believe that all of your prayers have fallen on deaf ears. That all of your faith will prove to be fruitless. At the slightest sign of weakness on your part, the deceptive intelligence will send you off the deep end, to chase shadows in the dark and abandon your dreams.
The deceptive intelligence will use your mouth to say things that you cannot take back. It will use your body to do things that cannont be undone. The deceptive intelligence will keep you up at night! The deceptive intelligence will make you see things that are not there and hear things that are not said. You must be aware of the deceptive intelligence! More important, you must recognize that the deceptive intelligence is not lurking out there. Oh no! It is in you!
If you are afraid of them, leery of this, doubtful of that, thinking of yourself as unworthly, undeserving or out there on your own, the deceptive intelligence will move into your heart and mind, set up housekeeping and have a banquet on your dreams! There is only one way to save yourself from the influence of the deceptive intelligence. That is to know the truth. The truth is: "No weapon formed against me shall prosper!" The deceptive intelligence may be in you, but you must know that neither inner or outer enemies will prosper or take over unless you let them.
Until today, you may have been employed by the deceptive intelligence to frighten yourself, confuse yourself or take yourself off course. Just for today, refuse to be used by the inner voices that will lead you to believe something other than the truth.
She is SOOO smart!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Purple Squirrel's reading above is so true. Instead of listening to the voice in your head, try becoming as objective as you can in these situations and pay strict attention to how people are acting. Observing human behavior is amazing...people communicate so much just through the way they carry themselves and the way they move. Those who are drunk, watch them, they probably show signs of feeling awkward and uncomfortable underneath. The "pretty" woman having her photo taken, watch her closely, she has insecurities too.
We all do - its human nature. But the people who exude confidence have mastered the art of the illusion, as English Garden refers to above.
I joke all the time that because I have had years of practice, I could stand up in a room and present to a large group of people on a topic I am barely familiar about as long as I faked the confidence factor. Because when it comes to self confidence - the saying "fake it til you make it" actually works. 15 years ago I would have been terrified to speak in public. Now I do it all the time. Practice and a good sense of humor have really helped!
Go easy on yourself as you learn and grow. All of these situations are learning experiences and you learned on this day to question the industry you are stepping into. If you want to be in the world of fashion - you have to have a very thick skin! Its a brutal industry.
TC - you have a lot to offer. You are beautiful (see your own avatar for evidence of that), kind, considerate, and successful (plus a whole lot more). Don't let one bad day stop you from achieving your dreams.
Just for today, refuse to be used by the inner voices that will lead you to believe something other than the truth.
I love that line!
We all do - its human nature. But the people who exude confidence have mastered the art of the illusion, as English Garden refers to above.
I joke all the time that because I have had years of practice, I could stand up in a room and present to a large group of people on a topic I am barely familiar about as long as I faked the confidence factor. Because when it comes to self confidence - the saying "fake it til you make it" actually works. 15 years ago I would have been terrified to speak in public. Now I do it all the time. Practice and a good sense of humor have really helped!
Go easy on yourself as you learn and grow. All of these situations are learning experiences and you learned on this day to question the industry you are stepping into. If you want to be in the world of fashion - you have to have a very thick skin! Its a brutal industry.
TC - you have a lot to offer. You are beautiful (see your own avatar for evidence of that), kind, considerate, and successful (plus a whole lot more). Don't let one bad day stop you from achieving your dreams.
Just for today, refuse to be used by the inner voices that will lead you to believe something other than the truth.
I love that line!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I can relate to your feelings. Here are a few things that may help.
1. Remember that feelings change. One day we think we're the dumbest people on the planet, the next day we're fine.
2. To get self esteem you have to do "esteemable" things. What can you do to take off weight (if it's really necessary). I don't believe we can think our way out of low self esteem, we must take an action.
3. When we're obsessed with ourselves it really helps to do service. Help someone else. It takes our mind off the constant judging.
4. Again, it's action that changes moods and feelings. Try fast walking. Just get active and you'll find you think very differently afterward.
1. Remember that feelings change. One day we think we're the dumbest people on the planet, the next day we're fine.
2. To get self esteem you have to do "esteemable" things. What can you do to take off weight (if it's really necessary). I don't believe we can think our way out of low self esteem, we must take an action.
3. When we're obsessed with ourselves it really helps to do service. Help someone else. It takes our mind off the constant judging.
4. Again, it's action that changes moods and feelings. Try fast walking. Just get active and you'll find you think very differently afterward.
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thanks so much for all your helpful comments . I read them before and cried and was very grateful for your online company. Still processing them.
For now I feel better. Its easier to feel compassion, after the WOE IS ME crisis... I have bounced back emotionally and it was helpful to look for examples of sense of self worth, I realized I DO have some, and this helped!! OMG I advance in small steps lol.
Yes the fashion industry is brutal, and also the IT industry, at least so far I have seen lots of self abuse, abusive situations, envy and jealousy.. but I remembered I can live my life the way I want (BREAkthrough moment !!) and I also recalled another designer I met who had a really mature attitude towards it all .. and I decided to make him my example.
These days I have received both harsh criticism and today some good feedback... I have made an effort, and I am becoming good at ignoring what is not worth paying attention to.
Thanks so much for your ESH, I almost bottled up my feelings but feel good about being able to be honest somewhere
For now I feel better. Its easier to feel compassion, after the WOE IS ME crisis... I have bounced back emotionally and it was helpful to look for examples of sense of self worth, I realized I DO have some, and this helped!! OMG I advance in small steps lol.
Yes the fashion industry is brutal, and also the IT industry, at least so far I have seen lots of self abuse, abusive situations, envy and jealousy.. but I remembered I can live my life the way I want (BREAkthrough moment !!) and I also recalled another designer I met who had a really mature attitude towards it all .. and I decided to make him my example.
These days I have received both harsh criticism and today some good feedback... I have made an effort, and I am becoming good at ignoring what is not worth paying attention to.
Thanks so much for your ESH, I almost bottled up my feelings but feel good about being able to be honest somewhere
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
I know that smell...
it's growth! Well done... now keep growing!
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
OMG
Am I realizing I got NO sense of self worth nor self trust. And that my inner critic can be BRUTAL.
I got invited to a shooting picture event, there was a project for tattooed people and I sent my picture. Well it turned out it was "selected" to be taken pictures by a huge photograpgher!
So I went and there were several triggers.
1 I gained weight. I feel FAT.
2 I saw myself in the mirror and thought how ugly I looked.
3 I had gone to have dinner beforehand, well they forgot my plate so I ended up having 2 juices and that was it. Yes I am still unhealthy enough to feel it is personal when the kitchen messes up an order!!
4 There were HUNDREDS of people, I saw the place and I saw a woman being taken pictures, pretty and with lots of attitude and with 5 different people taking pictures of her and many others looking...
5 I wonder how the %&%$ I am going to be succesful in this fashion business if internally I feel like a trembling mouse in the corner.
So there I was just like many other times seeing other people doing new stuff and I was observing them in the background. I felt self pity. AGAIN..
I said hi to some friends and left.
On the other hand
1 Its now very clear to me I won't solve this self worth issue alone
2 I am trying to see this not as "chickening out" but realizing I was not going to be comfortable and respect this feeling, respect I may not be that LOOK AT ME! personality and its fine
3 Most people there were drinking and although it has not affected me as it had before, I still notice zigzagging and lost eyesight and it brings back memories I would prefer to forget.
Then there is this HUGE designer, one of the best in town, and he is SUPER friendly but also superdrunk... and I wonder, if I have a "in the background" personality that I am not sure I would ever be able to change, if I am going to make it in this career. I don't know I just feel kind of fragile. Trying to remember I don't have to be anyone else. And to remember I have to be ME and not start trying to "fit in" and start drinking or even drugging.
I don't want to blame this on my parents but I understand where this comes from, I had no "winner" attitude to learn from, both of my parents (even if my dad was "succesful" in his career) ask for permission to even exist. Codies "R" us. I have noticed some people, their security on how they carry themselves, their trust on life and I have envied them... of course they both come from very friendly and healthy family systems. WOE is ME!
Or like the other day when a peer said she spent all afternoon laughing with her mom & her mom's friends who are very funny, and I realized I NEVER heard my mom laugh much with anyone, or invite friends home. She was always alone and I notice I am doing the same, kind of driving people away with my abandonment issues.
Thanks for letting me share. I am still in a depressed state these days it seems. At least I am planning to keep being honest with myself and finally schedule the therapy session I have been putting off due to fear. And maybe feeling I don't deserve some other things in life, I am afraid of the unknown. The good news is that I feel *slightly* more compassion towards myself, and will be working all Sunday not to beat myself up for what happened this Saturday nor other days last week, which was definitely not my week.
Am I realizing I got NO sense of self worth nor self trust. And that my inner critic can be BRUTAL.
I got invited to a shooting picture event, there was a project for tattooed people and I sent my picture. Well it turned out it was "selected" to be taken pictures by a huge photograpgher!
So I went and there were several triggers.
1 I gained weight. I feel FAT.
2 I saw myself in the mirror and thought how ugly I looked.
3 I had gone to have dinner beforehand, well they forgot my plate so I ended up having 2 juices and that was it. Yes I am still unhealthy enough to feel it is personal when the kitchen messes up an order!!
4 There were HUNDREDS of people, I saw the place and I saw a woman being taken pictures, pretty and with lots of attitude and with 5 different people taking pictures of her and many others looking...
5 I wonder how the %&%$ I am going to be succesful in this fashion business if internally I feel like a trembling mouse in the corner.
So there I was just like many other times seeing other people doing new stuff and I was observing them in the background. I felt self pity. AGAIN..
I said hi to some friends and left.
On the other hand
1 Its now very clear to me I won't solve this self worth issue alone
2 I am trying to see this not as "chickening out" but realizing I was not going to be comfortable and respect this feeling, respect I may not be that LOOK AT ME! personality and its fine
3 Most people there were drinking and although it has not affected me as it had before, I still notice zigzagging and lost eyesight and it brings back memories I would prefer to forget.
Then there is this HUGE designer, one of the best in town, and he is SUPER friendly but also superdrunk... and I wonder, if I have a "in the background" personality that I am not sure I would ever be able to change, if I am going to make it in this career. I don't know I just feel kind of fragile. Trying to remember I don't have to be anyone else. And to remember I have to be ME and not start trying to "fit in" and start drinking or even drugging.
I don't want to blame this on my parents but I understand where this comes from, I had no "winner" attitude to learn from, both of my parents (even if my dad was "succesful" in his career) ask for permission to even exist. Codies "R" us. I have noticed some people, their security on how they carry themselves, their trust on life and I have envied them... of course they both come from very friendly and healthy family systems. WOE is ME!
Or like the other day when a peer said she spent all afternoon laughing with her mom & her mom's friends who are very funny, and I realized I NEVER heard my mom laugh much with anyone, or invite friends home. She was always alone and I notice I am doing the same, kind of driving people away with my abandonment issues.
Thanks for letting me share. I am still in a depressed state these days it seems. At least I am planning to keep being honest with myself and finally schedule the therapy session I have been putting off due to fear. And maybe feeling I don't deserve some other things in life, I am afraid of the unknown. The good news is that I feel *slightly* more compassion towards myself, and will be working all Sunday not to beat myself up for what happened this Saturday nor other days last week, which was definitely not my week.
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