beckylee123

I'm just wondering if anyone is having a problem with grown children. Having a problem with the changes that I am going thru. I am recently separated from my AH .(His choice) Leaving me and my 14 yr old daughter. I crashed emotionally when he left. I have come along way in a short time. Thanks to Al Anon and many new friends and family. They were very worried and supportive of me. They are used to me being codependent and had often encouraged me to expand my horizons . So to my surprise they are now sometime irritable and disapproving of my new friends. Mostly Al Anon women, going through the same thing.They also don't approve of me socializing more then I ever have before. They are supportive of my return to school. I feel better then ever physically. I am proud of the work and sweat I've put onto my healthier body. So I'm getting nicer clothes. Age appropriate of course. They have now voiced reservations about the changes I am making. I just wonder if living with me and my AH has made then overly cautious of change. Should I slow down? I feel great about so much. I wonder if I'm doing the right things? I'm a little confused. I would appreciate some feed back . Thanks

tjp613

While I don't have experience in this particular type of situation, I don't understand why your family objects to you a) making new friends, b) going out and being social, c) getting healthier, d) going back to school and e) treating yourself to some new clothes? Those ALL sound like GREAT things to be doing for yourself!!?! If YOU are happy, healthy and financially secure what in the world could they possibly object to? Nope, I don't understand that at all. I say keep doing what you're doing. Some people just like to create drama where none is justified.

beckylee123

I know TJP . That's what I think but its hard to take right now. Im still feeling vulnerable to any criticism.(codependent is my middle name ) Especially from loved ones .Thanks for the comment.

Nina Kay

All that you are doing for yourself & your life is wonderful. I'm sensing that your family members are somewhat jealous, not of you but of your new friends. I'm sure that it's a subconscious thing on their part. You know, sometimes when someone starts getting happier & healthier by going in another direction for it, this could make them feel like you might be moving away from them & maybe not wanting or needing them as much as you want & need your new life. It'll probably just take some time for them to get used to the new you & know that they are still just as important in your life as they were before. Only my humble 2 cents.

Jody675

beckylee when i left my husband 8 years ago, i decided to make some pretty big lifestyle changes and lost 30kgs (about 60lbs) and did it on my own. he use to slam me for what he saw as my stupid died. but it was just jealousy that i may now look appealing to other people too. (which was also true)

the key here Becky is that YOU feel good about the changes. as long YOU know you are doing them for the right reasons then who cares what anyone else thinks. keep doing what is making YOU happy. you go girl! sounds like you are doing just fine!

laurie6781

I agree with every thing shared above. Your children are seeing so many chanes happening rather quickly and are having a hard time with everything. So they are 'lashing out' in fear, confusion, etc

I would suggest that you sit them down and explain to them that the changes they seeing are a part, and only a part, of what you are doing to get back YOU. That these changes will NOT change your interactions with them unless they want them to. That you are still you, just a healthuer, healing you. Remember, they may not remember you, before you started your first metamorphosis, that started in response to the changes that were occurring to your AH. You might also suggest that they try Alanon for themselves.

J M H O

My response to your 'changes'? YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!!!!! Good for you!

Love and hugs,

LoveMeNow

When my mother divorced my father, I was only 13. Within a few years, I saw huge positive changes and I didn't like them..to be honest. Everyone of my reasons was from immaturity and selfishness. (I didn't realize that then though).

I was very protective (and controlling) of my mother and I didn't even want her to date other people. I was 18 yrs old, came home from college and walked into a conversation about my mother going away for the weekend with a man she had been dating. I got so angry and my older sister later pointed out what a selfish, spoiled brat I was. I told her I didn't want mom to become a "*****." I struggled seeing my mother becoming an individual, a person and NOT just my mother.

ETA - I got over it rather quickly and loved seeing my MOM so happy!

beckylee123

OMG I didn't think of that my daughter did say some thing about feeling jealous . lol Maybe she just threw in the other stuff. To make me feel guilty about the time I was spending with them. Thanks Nina Kay

beckylee123

I have been so crushed by this. I fully expected to live happily ever after with my AH.. (15 year marriage) . I am looking to find out who Beckylee really is . They know that I want my AH to get treatment. And that I sill love him. I'll have to sit down and have a discussion with them about it. It's so hard I still get so emotional. As a mom I want to avoid giving my children any more to worry about. I really scared them when I lost it after he left. Well thank you for the feedback. Cynicalone

beckylee123

Thank you Lovemenot , I'ts so good to hear from a "childs" point of view. :ghug3 I'm happy all turned out well for your family. Thank u

LoveMeNow

Your welcome and congratulations on getting healthier.

In my case, it had nothing to do with my parents getting back together. I was actually happy and relieved when they did finally divorce.

It had a lot to do with what I posted earlier but also something about my mom having sex with another man/or men really bothered me. I wasn't a virgin and was sexually active with my BF in college but what was OK for for was not OK for MY MOTHER.

In some ways, she was reliving her youth and I struggled with that. Oh and I disliked many of her new "bad influencing" friends and they knew it.

But the truth was I was losing what I was comfortable with and I feared the change. But the happier she became, the more comfortable I became with it. Of course, my maturing helped a lot too. I had good friends who loved my mother, were thrilled for her and reminded me of how selfish I was being too.

I pray your kids see the"light" soon, if they don't, please keep growing, they will in time. IMO