12 weeks pregnant and the father is a alcoholic
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Poughkeepsie ny
Posts: 8
12 weeks pregnant and the father is a alcoholic
I just signed up for this site tonight and hope it helps. I went to one meeting and he got so angry he ignored me for my birthday and thanksgiving...
So my boyfriend and i have been together for 3 years. I found out I am pregnant about 6 weeks ago. He has always been a drinker, but over the last year its gotten worse, so much worse that memorial day weekend he demanded a ride home from a friends house, after drinking, what he says, was 14 beers. During the ride he got mad and called me names. I pulled over and asked him to go back to his friends and sleep it off. After demanding I drive he punched me in the face. Upon returning home i went out and sat in my car. I returned to find a bunch of by belongings ripped or smashed. This was the first time he hit me... it kills me that this didnt happen until i was pregnant. (He says he is excited about the baby, and when sober talks/ daydreams about it non stop)
He was remorseful and went 3 days with out a drink. Well that didnt last. He has not gotten violent since but has drank until he passed out more than once. I am looking at the future as not being a happy one. I have alot of health problems and this my be my only chance to have a child. I thought the punch and the baby would make him face reality and try to get help. After 3 days sober he got the shakes and couldnt sleep so he had a large beer. Then one big one lead to 4, then 6 and so on. In the past when he had whiskey he would be verbally abusive and just plain rude, now i dont know what will happen next.
Im not sure what to do. I love the sober man he is, but not the mess who cant be woken from the sofa at night. I see a future of bringing up this baby alone. In fact having 2 helpless creatures to take care of. I just feel alone and dont know what to do or expect.
I dont talk to my family or friends about this as i dont want them thinking poorly about him.
I dont make enough money right now to move out on my own. Im barely making ends meet as it is, full time pay check to pay check is grand.
Any guidance would be appreciated....
So my boyfriend and i have been together for 3 years. I found out I am pregnant about 6 weeks ago. He has always been a drinker, but over the last year its gotten worse, so much worse that memorial day weekend he demanded a ride home from a friends house, after drinking, what he says, was 14 beers. During the ride he got mad and called me names. I pulled over and asked him to go back to his friends and sleep it off. After demanding I drive he punched me in the face. Upon returning home i went out and sat in my car. I returned to find a bunch of by belongings ripped or smashed. This was the first time he hit me... it kills me that this didnt happen until i was pregnant. (He says he is excited about the baby, and when sober talks/ daydreams about it non stop)
He was remorseful and went 3 days with out a drink. Well that didnt last. He has not gotten violent since but has drank until he passed out more than once. I am looking at the future as not being a happy one. I have alot of health problems and this my be my only chance to have a child. I thought the punch and the baby would make him face reality and try to get help. After 3 days sober he got the shakes and couldnt sleep so he had a large beer. Then one big one lead to 4, then 6 and so on. In the past when he had whiskey he would be verbally abusive and just plain rude, now i dont know what will happen next.
Im not sure what to do. I love the sober man he is, but not the mess who cant be woken from the sofa at night. I see a future of bringing up this baby alone. In fact having 2 helpless creatures to take care of. I just feel alone and dont know what to do or expect.
I dont talk to my family or friends about this as i dont want them thinking poorly about him.
I dont make enough money right now to move out on my own. Im barely making ends meet as it is, full time pay check to pay check is grand.
Any guidance would be appreciated....
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Welcome, though I am sorry for the reason that brought you here.
You mentioned in your other post that you went to an Al-anon meeting but could not control your emotions.
My guess is everyone else in the room had experienced that at some time or another in a meeting (I know i have).
I have not had experience with physical violence, but can say that walking on eggshells and the "threat" of violence or was acted out (not directly) towards me when alcohol was on board was frightening enough. I walked around on eggshells all the time and that is an exhausting way to be.
Al-anon, therapy and learning about addiction really helped me. More will be along soon (this side is not as busy sometimes at night).
You mentioned in your other post that you went to an Al-anon meeting but could not control your emotions.
My guess is everyone else in the room had experienced that at some time or another in a meeting (I know i have).
I have not had experience with physical violence, but can say that walking on eggshells and the "threat" of violence or was acted out (not directly) towards me when alcohol was on board was frightening enough. I walked around on eggshells all the time and that is an exhausting way to be.
Al-anon, therapy and learning about addiction really helped me. More will be along soon (this side is not as busy sometimes at night).
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,866
Hon, physical violence is NEVER okay. Please call a domestic violence center. They can help you.
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Just call and talk to them. They won't get the police involved unless you want them to. They can give you some options to get to a safe place. They can help put you in touch with family who may be able to help. You don't have to make any decisions, but just call and talk to them. Please.
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Just call and talk to them. They won't get the police involved unless you want them to. They can give you some options to get to a safe place. They can help put you in touch with family who may be able to help. You don't have to make any decisions, but just call and talk to them. Please.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome, mizztobers. I am so very sorry to hear about your situation, especially during a time that should be happy and stressless. I hope your pregnancy is going ok, given the stress you must be under.
Talking about it was the hardest thing I did, but also the best. Your family and friends can help you, as well as offer you a safe place to go if he threatens and/or hurts you again. You need to have an "out" in mind...no one can protect you but you. And he is unpredictable and untrustworthy. Keep in mind - this is no longer about you...there's a little one on the way.
I hid my Al-Anon attendance for months out of fear. And justifiably so - it is very threatening. But going was a lifesaver, as posting here, for me. I had to, for me. Again, it became no longer about the alcoholism, and all about salvaging myself because I was losing it. My life was unmanageable, and it is my responsibility to fix that.
Lots of good threads, resources, advice, experience, strength, and hope here. We have a saying here that you'll see a lot. We don't cause them to drink, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. This is not your fault, and no one deserves to be hit and terrorized. That is domestic violence. You could have called the cops and had him arrested.
Keep coming back, and stay safe. Prayers to you tonight!
~T
Talking about it was the hardest thing I did, but also the best. Your family and friends can help you, as well as offer you a safe place to go if he threatens and/or hurts you again. You need to have an "out" in mind...no one can protect you but you. And he is unpredictable and untrustworthy. Keep in mind - this is no longer about you...there's a little one on the way.
I hid my Al-Anon attendance for months out of fear. And justifiably so - it is very threatening. But going was a lifesaver, as posting here, for me. I had to, for me. Again, it became no longer about the alcoholism, and all about salvaging myself because I was losing it. My life was unmanageable, and it is my responsibility to fix that.
Lots of good threads, resources, advice, experience, strength, and hope here. We have a saying here that you'll see a lot. We don't cause them to drink, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. This is not your fault, and no one deserves to be hit and terrorized. That is domestic violence. You could have called the cops and had him arrested.
Keep coming back, and stay safe. Prayers to you tonight!
~T
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by Mizztobers 
I dont talk to my family or friends about this as i dont want them thinking poorly about him.
Originally Posted by Mizztobers
I dont make enough money right now to move out on my own. Im barely making ends meet as it is, full time pay check to pay check is grand.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Did you call the DV hotline? your life, and your baby's, are at stake here.
I have reading the SR forum almost daily for years now. Violence always escalates.
Please do not wait for something worse to happen and call the DV line.
Sending you hugs and prayers
Tc999
I have reading the SR forum almost daily for years now. Violence always escalates.
Please do not wait for something worse to happen and call the DV line.
Sending you hugs and prayers
Tc999
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Welcome to SR. You have found a great place with lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H). I am glad you found us but sorry for why you had to.
You need to contact a Domestic Violence Shelter near you. To help with that:
Grace Smith House
Community:Victims' Resources and Services:Crime Victim Service Agencies
New York State Office of Children and Family Services - APPROVED DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SERVICE PROVIDERS
scroll down and look to the left side of the page for your area
Poughkeepsie Domestic Abuse Therapist - Domestic Abuse Therapist Poughkeepsie, Dutchess County, New York (NY) - Domestic Abuse Counseling Poughkeepsie
Dutchess County Coalition in Poughkeepsie, NY | 28 Snow Ter, Poughkeepsie, NY
There are more options on Google I just picked out a few:
https://www.google.com/#hl=en&sclien...w=1447&bih=645
It looks like there are 2 shelters in your area.
Please call. I have worked with Domestic Violence victims for over 20 years and it does not get better it only gets worse. Your primary concern has to be for your health and that of your unborn child. PLEASE call them.
The shelters can offer so much. Not only temporary housing, and they will help you find permant housing. They will help with counseling, legal help, and will help you file for your WIC benefits for you and the unborn child. WIC is a great program, helps you get the nutrition you need while pregnant and then continues to help with the nutrition needed for your child through the child's 5th year.
Please call those shelters. They can help you in so many ways!!!!
Also, please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care so very much.
Love and hugs,
You need to contact a Domestic Violence Shelter near you. To help with that:
Grace Smith House
Community:Victims' Resources and Services:Crime Victim Service Agencies
New York State Office of Children and Family Services - APPROVED DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SERVICE PROVIDERS
scroll down and look to the left side of the page for your area
Poughkeepsie Domestic Abuse Therapist - Domestic Abuse Therapist Poughkeepsie, Dutchess County, New York (NY) - Domestic Abuse Counseling Poughkeepsie
Dutchess County Coalition in Poughkeepsie, NY | 28 Snow Ter, Poughkeepsie, NY
There are more options on Google I just picked out a few:
https://www.google.com/#hl=en&sclien...w=1447&bih=645
It looks like there are 2 shelters in your area.
Please call. I have worked with Domestic Violence victims for over 20 years and it does not get better it only gets worse. Your primary concern has to be for your health and that of your unborn child. PLEASE call them.
The shelters can offer so much. Not only temporary housing, and they will help you find permant housing. They will help with counseling, legal help, and will help you file for your WIC benefits for you and the unborn child. WIC is a great program, helps you get the nutrition you need while pregnant and then continues to help with the nutrition needed for your child through the child's 5th year.
Please call those shelters. They can help you in so many ways!!!!
Also, please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care so very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Great advice above.
I am sorry to hear of your story - violence is NEVER OK. Although there is no violence in my marriage I am 11 years married to my AH - and we have three children - my advice on reading your post was "RUN" run as fast as you can and get out of this asap.
Hugs - I know it isn't easy - All the best Phiz :0)
I am sorry to hear of your story - violence is NEVER OK. Although there is no violence in my marriage I am 11 years married to my AH - and we have three children - my advice on reading your post was "RUN" run as fast as you can and get out of this asap.
Hugs - I know it isn't easy - All the best Phiz :0)
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Also just wanted to add that I am so glad you found SR - it is a fantastic place to be :0)
Keep reading, keep posting, we really do care and there are many many fabulous people on here with lots of fabulous advice as they have been exactly where you are today.
Take care of you - Phiz
Keep reading, keep posting, we really do care and there are many many fabulous people on here with lots of fabulous advice as they have been exactly where you are today.
Take care of you - Phiz
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
If you can not make it on your own finanacially it is time to be honest with your family and let them know that you are you child need a safe place to be.
If that is not possible you need to reach out to a shelter and get yourself and your child safe.ne
Being punched in the face is a huge sign that this man is a trainwreck. No one deserves to be abused. He will use that child as a reason to keep you right where you are.
This is not about love , this is about the basic human right to be treated with respect , to be safe and feel supported.
Your partner is a monster, and sadly this will just get worse. I fear for you, it's time to turn your attention away from this loser and his problems, focus on your own recovery .
You and your child will be fine if you remove the alcoholic from your life, if you don't , you are both in danger.
love to you Katie
If that is not possible you need to reach out to a shelter and get yourself and your child safe.ne
Being punched in the face is a huge sign that this man is a trainwreck. No one deserves to be abused. He will use that child as a reason to keep you right where you are.
This is not about love , this is about the basic human right to be treated with respect , to be safe and feel supported.
Your partner is a monster, and sadly this will just get worse. I fear for you, it's time to turn your attention away from this loser and his problems, focus on your own recovery .
You and your child will be fine if you remove the alcoholic from your life, if you don't , you are both in danger.
love to you Katie
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 88
It breaks my heart to read your story.
There was no physical abuse in my relationship, but, I remember the feeling of doing anything to make sure that everything would be ok, to not set him off, to not make him drink, to not make him use.
I know the feeling of shame in not wanting to admit things to family, worrying that they'll think less of him. It broke my heart to read that. Even now with what is going on in my life, I worry about how people are seeing him. I find myself defending him and his actions.
You MUST start thinking of you, and of your baby. If you can't go to family, do go to a shelter. Living with an active alcoholic is completely overwhelming and the emotional drain is puts on you is devastating to your soul, add that to having children and it's a wonder anyone gets through it.
I hope you post again, I have my fingers crossed for you and I'm praying for you.
There was no physical abuse in my relationship, but, I remember the feeling of doing anything to make sure that everything would be ok, to not set him off, to not make him drink, to not make him use.
I know the feeling of shame in not wanting to admit things to family, worrying that they'll think less of him. It broke my heart to read that. Even now with what is going on in my life, I worry about how people are seeing him. I find myself defending him and his actions.
You MUST start thinking of you, and of your baby. If you can't go to family, do go to a shelter. Living with an active alcoholic is completely overwhelming and the emotional drain is puts on you is devastating to your soul, add that to having children and it's a wonder anyone gets through it.
I hope you post again, I have my fingers crossed for you and I'm praying for you.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
You must make your child your priorty. It has been shown that at birth a childs fear and flight responses are fully functional . That means that a baby is capable of a full blown trauma response, the child at birth already is affected by the toxic enviorment. A child should never be raised in a home of abuse or addiction. Children hear and see everything, although they internalize their fears, they will carry their childhood into adulthood.
I must admit. for me, physical abuse is a dealbreaker and a seperate issue from addiction. He will do it again and the violence will esculate.
Finally, reach out to your family, be totally honest, they could very well save your life and that of your newborn.
Keep posting, we are here for you.
I must admit. for me, physical abuse is a dealbreaker and a seperate issue from addiction. He will do it again and the violence will esculate.
Finally, reach out to your family, be totally honest, they could very well save your life and that of your newborn.
Keep posting, we are here for you.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
children come first....all the rest comes in the journey...
so sorry you are here, but so glad you found SR...
the three C's are awesome...but now you are in the A's also...
awareness
acceptance
and action...
keep reading and posting...
so sorry you are here, but so glad you found SR...
the three C's are awesome...but now you are in the A's also...
awareness
acceptance
and action...
keep reading and posting...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Hi, welcome. I also came here first when I was pregnant.
First, congratulations! Your babies will always be a blessing regardless of what circumstances brought them here.
Second, hitting is not okay. It's non-negotiable. Consider it a deal breaker. Your partner is unsafe whether or not he's been drinking. Not every alcoholic is abusive. Abusers are abusive. Consider this guy an a) abuser b) with a drinking problem, and go from there.
People are of two minds about telling the family about your partner's drinking problem. Some think it's not our responsibility, and to let the addict have the dignity of their own mistakes. But I think it's time to start assembling Team Mizztobers. You're going to need a lot of support to get through this pregnancy alone (he's probably going to be totally unhelpful), and a safe place to fall when things get bad. Your extended family and friends will be an asset for you. At the very least you will be able to carve some space out away from him when you need a break from the chaos. Tell the people who you believe can help you, and who will have your back when you need them.
I also agree with others that there are resources out there that will help you get by if/when you leave him, and not to feel any shame in taking advantage of WIC and other resources for low-income moms. I raised my first child alone on about $11G a year by taking out loans, waiting tables (only a percentage of tip money is reported by law), and going to a state college, using WIC, Medicare, and food stamps. I have no shame -- I got a college education, though it took me about five years, and we're better off today than otherwise. I also developed friendships with other single moms to trade babysitting time and leaned heavily on my (dysfunctional, but well-meaning) family to get time to work and study.
You're going to hear this said again and again here: Alcoholism is progressive. What's bad today is worse tomorrow. The guy with the job and okay family life today is the unemployed guy with the DUI tomorrow. The guy that lies to you today is the guy that lies twice tomorrow. All of us have spent a lot of time trying to convince our partners to stop drinking, but if love and communication was enough, alcoholism wouldn't exist.
All this is just to say that it's totally possible to get by with a baby on next to nothing if you're crafty and motivated. Pregnancy is an extremely vulnerable time emotionally. I won't lie to you, this will be a difficult time. But you can do it. Do things to take care of yourself, pamper yourself, baby yourself, and get tons of time to rest if you can. And assemble Team Mizztobers so your team can help you when you're hurting.
First, congratulations! Your babies will always be a blessing regardless of what circumstances brought them here.
Second, hitting is not okay. It's non-negotiable. Consider it a deal breaker. Your partner is unsafe whether or not he's been drinking. Not every alcoholic is abusive. Abusers are abusive. Consider this guy an a) abuser b) with a drinking problem, and go from there.
People are of two minds about telling the family about your partner's drinking problem. Some think it's not our responsibility, and to let the addict have the dignity of their own mistakes. But I think it's time to start assembling Team Mizztobers. You're going to need a lot of support to get through this pregnancy alone (he's probably going to be totally unhelpful), and a safe place to fall when things get bad. Your extended family and friends will be an asset for you. At the very least you will be able to carve some space out away from him when you need a break from the chaos. Tell the people who you believe can help you, and who will have your back when you need them.
I also agree with others that there are resources out there that will help you get by if/when you leave him, and not to feel any shame in taking advantage of WIC and other resources for low-income moms. I raised my first child alone on about $11G a year by taking out loans, waiting tables (only a percentage of tip money is reported by law), and going to a state college, using WIC, Medicare, and food stamps. I have no shame -- I got a college education, though it took me about five years, and we're better off today than otherwise. I also developed friendships with other single moms to trade babysitting time and leaned heavily on my (dysfunctional, but well-meaning) family to get time to work and study.
You're going to hear this said again and again here: Alcoholism is progressive. What's bad today is worse tomorrow. The guy with the job and okay family life today is the unemployed guy with the DUI tomorrow. The guy that lies to you today is the guy that lies twice tomorrow. All of us have spent a lot of time trying to convince our partners to stop drinking, but if love and communication was enough, alcoholism wouldn't exist.
All this is just to say that it's totally possible to get by with a baby on next to nothing if you're crafty and motivated. Pregnancy is an extremely vulnerable time emotionally. I won't lie to you, this will be a difficult time. But you can do it. Do things to take care of yourself, pamper yourself, baby yourself, and get tons of time to rest if you can. And assemble Team Mizztobers so your team can help you when you're hurting.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
You're not alone!
When I do trainings on domestic violence, what shocks the audience most is ALWAYS the fact that physical violence begins or escalates when a woman is pregnant. People are like, "No, surely--that can't be!" Even after I show them the statistics.
I know a lot of women who've been where you are, and who've got free and are now thriving.
You WILL be okay! Look--you've already made a step by posting here and spelling out what's happened to you. That is huge, and you should pat yourself on the back. Now take another step tomorrow: contact the DV place and all those helpful people who are sitting there waiting to help YOU.
When I do trainings on domestic violence, what shocks the audience most is ALWAYS the fact that physical violence begins or escalates when a woman is pregnant. People are like, "No, surely--that can't be!" Even after I show them the statistics.
I know a lot of women who've been where you are, and who've got free and are now thriving.
You WILL be okay! Look--you've already made a step by posting here and spelling out what's happened to you. That is huge, and you should pat yourself on the back. Now take another step tomorrow: contact the DV place and all those helpful people who are sitting there waiting to help YOU.
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