My Wife returning from 28 day program
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Oceanside CA
Posts: 14
My Wife returning from 28 day program
So,
I’ve came to this site many times off and on. My wife is an Alcoholic and she’s been to treatment multiple times. She just completed a 28 day program. She came home yesterday. I've been extremely supportive. I'm active duty military and we have a 5 year old daughter and a 2 year old son. We’ve been through 2 DUI's. 1 with a bad accident (no one was harmed). She seems to be getting it now so far. I have faith in God and I truly believe she's going to get it this time. I’m just being patient because I feel an extreme distance from her (which is normal at first when someone arrives home). I just miss my wife. I know nothing is easy and it's going to take quite a bit of time. After all the struggling in the last 6 months of being a single dad having random family members come to help me (who I could not be more thankful to have in my life) I just miss my wife. I'm just ready for us but I know it will be a while. It just feels empty and it's disheartening.
I truly support her and I know she can do this. Alcoholism is a disease. A very miserable disease. I refuse to let it destroy My Kids, my Wife or I. I’m not trying to “make it work” when it’s not going to, I’m not staying in the relationship so people feel sorry for me and my kids. I also know when enough is enough. I just love my wife. I truly believe in “Till Death Do us Part”. Not like in a psycho way. I understand that things happen and people have to move on. I look at it for what it truly is. Alcoholism is a Disease. If my wife had Cancer or Parkinson’s I would not leave her, so why leave her now?
Over the last few years I’ve realized that having and Alcoholic Wife (or addicted spouse of any kind) makes the significant other or family member just has sick. You first become obsessed with their wellbeing. You try to do EVERYTHING to ‘Control” the situation. You don’t know how to handle it so you take it on yourself. I’ve learned that when you do that and try to play / act as “God” (or your higher power) it is destined to fail. Once I truly accepted God (or insert your higher power) I felt an extreme peace come over me. There are so many negative things in the world today. For me, My Church and my God are the great equalizers.
Can anyone offer some advice on how to be supportive since she’s extra sensitive right now? I’m doing all that I can, I just want her to know how serious I am. I’m hoping that in return, it will motivate her and at the end of this difficult battle, we will both rise above triumphantly and share the life that God created for Man and Women. To truly experience Love and Marriage to the full intent that God created it.
Thank you for reading! God Bless SoberRecover.com!
I’ve came to this site many times off and on. My wife is an Alcoholic and she’s been to treatment multiple times. She just completed a 28 day program. She came home yesterday. I've been extremely supportive. I'm active duty military and we have a 5 year old daughter and a 2 year old son. We’ve been through 2 DUI's. 1 with a bad accident (no one was harmed). She seems to be getting it now so far. I have faith in God and I truly believe she's going to get it this time. I’m just being patient because I feel an extreme distance from her (which is normal at first when someone arrives home). I just miss my wife. I know nothing is easy and it's going to take quite a bit of time. After all the struggling in the last 6 months of being a single dad having random family members come to help me (who I could not be more thankful to have in my life) I just miss my wife. I'm just ready for us but I know it will be a while. It just feels empty and it's disheartening.
I truly support her and I know she can do this. Alcoholism is a disease. A very miserable disease. I refuse to let it destroy My Kids, my Wife or I. I’m not trying to “make it work” when it’s not going to, I’m not staying in the relationship so people feel sorry for me and my kids. I also know when enough is enough. I just love my wife. I truly believe in “Till Death Do us Part”. Not like in a psycho way. I understand that things happen and people have to move on. I look at it for what it truly is. Alcoholism is a Disease. If my wife had Cancer or Parkinson’s I would not leave her, so why leave her now?
Over the last few years I’ve realized that having and Alcoholic Wife (or addicted spouse of any kind) makes the significant other or family member just has sick. You first become obsessed with their wellbeing. You try to do EVERYTHING to ‘Control” the situation. You don’t know how to handle it so you take it on yourself. I’ve learned that when you do that and try to play / act as “God” (or your higher power) it is destined to fail. Once I truly accepted God (or insert your higher power) I felt an extreme peace come over me. There are so many negative things in the world today. For me, My Church and my God are the great equalizers.
Can anyone offer some advice on how to be supportive since she’s extra sensitive right now? I’m doing all that I can, I just want her to know how serious I am. I’m hoping that in return, it will motivate her and at the end of this difficult battle, we will both rise above triumphantly and share the life that God created for Man and Women. To truly experience Love and Marriage to the full intent that God created it.
Thank you for reading! God Bless SoberRecover.com!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 75
Hi there..
I cant help but think the best course of action is to step back and lets things flow..
Essentially she is the same person as before trying to stay sober. My ex went to rehab for 3 months and believe me its no magic wand. You cant do it for her - just by being with her indicates your serious intentions.
Comparing Alcoholism to Cancer is drawing a long bow.. Can you drink a cup of cancer ? Ultimately its her choice whether she stays sober.. If she relapses then what ?
I wish you the very best but Alcoholism destroys.. Just dont let it destroy you..
I cant help but think the best course of action is to step back and lets things flow..
Essentially she is the same person as before trying to stay sober. My ex went to rehab for 3 months and believe me its no magic wand. You cant do it for her - just by being with her indicates your serious intentions.
Comparing Alcoholism to Cancer is drawing a long bow.. Can you drink a cup of cancer ? Ultimately its her choice whether she stays sober.. If she relapses then what ?
I wish you the very best but Alcoholism destroys.. Just dont let it destroy you..
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Please do not feel that you have to walk on eggshells. Your wife has been given
'tools'. Now whether she uses them or not is up to her.
Watch her actions. Her actions will be her 'true' words, not the words that come
out of her mouth. She has a long way to. If she is serious about recovery she
will seem distant, if she is concentrating on her recovery.
I know you believe in commitment and staying married. But just as you are
watching your wife's actions, stay very attuned to your children. They may not
be able to verbally express their feelings but could act out. Living in a home
where one is an alcoholic, can be very detrimental to the chyildren and may
not show up until much later. If you have any doubts of that, check out our
Adult Children of Alcoholic forum:
Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Read over there and you will see how these adults are still dealing with having lived
in an alcoholic home.
Are you getting any counseling for yourself, or have you tried Alanon? Both will
give you 'tools' for living with this situation.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care so very
much.
Love and hugs,
'tools'. Now whether she uses them or not is up to her.
Watch her actions. Her actions will be her 'true' words, not the words that come
out of her mouth. She has a long way to. If she is serious about recovery she
will seem distant, if she is concentrating on her recovery.
I know you believe in commitment and staying married. But just as you are
watching your wife's actions, stay very attuned to your children. They may not
be able to verbally express their feelings but could act out. Living in a home
where one is an alcoholic, can be very detrimental to the chyildren and may
not show up until much later. If you have any doubts of that, check out our
Adult Children of Alcoholic forum:
Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Read over there and you will see how these adults are still dealing with having lived
in an alcoholic home.
Are you getting any counseling for yourself, or have you tried Alanon? Both will
give you 'tools' for living with this situation.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care so very
much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Faithful Husband,
As a fellow person of faith who struggled with a relationship with my XA I had some of your same feelings about the marriage covenant.
My XA was a chronic relapser and expert manipulator and as a fellow believer loved to cherry pick those verses that served his purpose. I used to tell him he loved his HP because he thought he was "Slot Machine Jesus".
I started studying this out in scripture and how God and the first century church dealt with issue as opposed to how it was structured later by what I believe may be in error in some cases.
God always compared his relationship with his people (Israel) as a marriage and when she sinned and fell away he didn't chase her with a fire extinquisher and huggies like we marriage partners do on a regular basis... no... he seperated himself from her and Israel would bear the consequences of her sins.
When the rich young ruler asked what else he needed to do in order to be saved and Jesus told him to "sell all that he had" the rich young ruler walked away. Jesus didn't run after him and beg him to come back to church and maybe they could work out a better deal like a tithe. No... he watched him walk away.
A marriage covenant is between man, wife and God. It is not logical that God would pattern how he handled sin (untreated alcoholism is a sin in God's book... if your eye causes you to sin pluck it out pretty much sums up how seriously we are to attack sin in our lives)
It says in the Bible that there will be no drunkards in heaven. No one likes the hard words of Jesus... they don't preach well in this day and age. But He said to follow him and that means a life of "crucifying the flesh" on a daily basis. For the alcoholic it is a clear call to do "whatever it takes" even if it means "plucking out their eyeball if it causes them to sin".
Think about it. Sounds like AA and "whatever it takes".
If your wife is not willing to do "whatever it takes" now and every moment to NOT BE A DRUNKARD then she is violating her marriage covenant and she is sinning against God.
And God seperates himself from sin... always. And you can and should do so too. Being in bondage (consequences) would get Israel back on her knees crying out to God. if your wife had to deal with the ravages and harm her sin (not doing all she can to not drink whatever it takes) without your heroic measures to shield her from her consequences she might get on her knees and cry out to God too.
I know this is radical and edgy and many do not feel comfortable when people share strong opinions in such a way on this forum... but when I feel that someone may be in bondage to a religious idea that is not productive for them I share an alternate view.
You might enjoy reading more about "Redemptive Divorce" by Googling it. There is a book on the subject and there are videos on you tube. I don't want to put a link because the mods need to verify content but it easy to find.
Seperation and divorce is the ultimate intervention for the chronic relapser. Take care of you and God bless.
As a fellow person of faith who struggled with a relationship with my XA I had some of your same feelings about the marriage covenant.
My XA was a chronic relapser and expert manipulator and as a fellow believer loved to cherry pick those verses that served his purpose. I used to tell him he loved his HP because he thought he was "Slot Machine Jesus".
I started studying this out in scripture and how God and the first century church dealt with issue as opposed to how it was structured later by what I believe may be in error in some cases.
God always compared his relationship with his people (Israel) as a marriage and when she sinned and fell away he didn't chase her with a fire extinquisher and huggies like we marriage partners do on a regular basis... no... he seperated himself from her and Israel would bear the consequences of her sins.
When the rich young ruler asked what else he needed to do in order to be saved and Jesus told him to "sell all that he had" the rich young ruler walked away. Jesus didn't run after him and beg him to come back to church and maybe they could work out a better deal like a tithe. No... he watched him walk away.
A marriage covenant is between man, wife and God. It is not logical that God would pattern how he handled sin (untreated alcoholism is a sin in God's book... if your eye causes you to sin pluck it out pretty much sums up how seriously we are to attack sin in our lives)
It says in the Bible that there will be no drunkards in heaven. No one likes the hard words of Jesus... they don't preach well in this day and age. But He said to follow him and that means a life of "crucifying the flesh" on a daily basis. For the alcoholic it is a clear call to do "whatever it takes" even if it means "plucking out their eyeball if it causes them to sin".
Think about it. Sounds like AA and "whatever it takes".
If your wife is not willing to do "whatever it takes" now and every moment to NOT BE A DRUNKARD then she is violating her marriage covenant and she is sinning against God.
And God seperates himself from sin... always. And you can and should do so too. Being in bondage (consequences) would get Israel back on her knees crying out to God. if your wife had to deal with the ravages and harm her sin (not doing all she can to not drink whatever it takes) without your heroic measures to shield her from her consequences she might get on her knees and cry out to God too.
I know this is radical and edgy and many do not feel comfortable when people share strong opinions in such a way on this forum... but when I feel that someone may be in bondage to a religious idea that is not productive for them I share an alternate view.
You might enjoy reading more about "Redemptive Divorce" by Googling it. There is a book on the subject and there are videos on you tube. I don't want to put a link because the mods need to verify content but it easy to find.
Seperation and divorce is the ultimate intervention for the chronic relapser. Take care of you and God bless.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Oceanside CA
Posts: 14
All,
Thank you for your input / opinions. I will say that I am doing Al-Anon once a week and I also am also fortunate enough to be able to attend a counseling session once a week. Thank you also for the link about children. I am very in tune with my kids and pay close attention to them. I protect them at all costs. They are the most important thing to me.
Hopeworks,
You message is very interesting. I understand were you are coming from and yes, it is a little edgy but I see your point. Thank you for sharing that.
anvilhead,
Those words sting because they are true. It brings up different emotions from this entire journey. Thanks for the harsh reminder of this disease and the truth of it.
webber1,
I know comparing it to cancer sounds crazy but sometimes there are more circumstances evolved they may make it more believable. My wife has had depression and anxiety her whole life. She’s has some traumatic things happen to her as a young girl and she has also had Gastric Bypass surgery. She used to be addicted to food and hardly drank at all. Once she had the surgery, over a few years it slowly got worse. It’s extremely common with this surgery. Most everyone is thinking at this point that these are all excuses. I look at them as circumstances. Some of them maybe lean more towards the excuse category however, they can’t be ignored in the bigger picture of it all. I hope this makes sense and doesn’t offend you. I really appreciated you message and took a lot from it.
Really though,
For me, this is my last ditch effort. I am continuing on with my children’s best interests, my own treatment and spiritual growth. If she does not take it serious and continues to do the same things, then my children and I will move on. It will hurt as much as it may be a relief, but it will be better in the long run IF she chooses to continue down the path of self destruction. We all hope and pray this doesn’t happen but as Al-Anon’s we know that you have to move forward and plan as if it’s going to fail just incase it does. It may sound corny or cheesy to some people but for me, my recent ACTUAL real connection with god has brought me to a much better place. Regardless of how things are with her, learning to be at peace with myself and my kids made a big difference. Also, the more things you do that are needed, the more you will get what is wanted.
It just feels good to let it all out here. I truly love this site and the people who use it. I also appreciate all the opinions and points of view because whether they are good or bad in my eyes I still can take something away from it as can anyone who reads it. Thanks for reading and like I said earlier, I mean no offense to anyone with anything I have said.
To all the Father’s out there, Happy Father’s Day
Thank you for your input / opinions. I will say that I am doing Al-Anon once a week and I also am also fortunate enough to be able to attend a counseling session once a week. Thank you also for the link about children. I am very in tune with my kids and pay close attention to them. I protect them at all costs. They are the most important thing to me.
Hopeworks,
You message is very interesting. I understand were you are coming from and yes, it is a little edgy but I see your point. Thank you for sharing that.
anvilhead,
Those words sting because they are true. It brings up different emotions from this entire journey. Thanks for the harsh reminder of this disease and the truth of it.
webber1,
I know comparing it to cancer sounds crazy but sometimes there are more circumstances evolved they may make it more believable. My wife has had depression and anxiety her whole life. She’s has some traumatic things happen to her as a young girl and she has also had Gastric Bypass surgery. She used to be addicted to food and hardly drank at all. Once she had the surgery, over a few years it slowly got worse. It’s extremely common with this surgery. Most everyone is thinking at this point that these are all excuses. I look at them as circumstances. Some of them maybe lean more towards the excuse category however, they can’t be ignored in the bigger picture of it all. I hope this makes sense and doesn’t offend you. I really appreciated you message and took a lot from it.
Really though,
For me, this is my last ditch effort. I am continuing on with my children’s best interests, my own treatment and spiritual growth. If she does not take it serious and continues to do the same things, then my children and I will move on. It will hurt as much as it may be a relief, but it will be better in the long run IF she chooses to continue down the path of self destruction. We all hope and pray this doesn’t happen but as Al-Anon’s we know that you have to move forward and plan as if it’s going to fail just incase it does. It may sound corny or cheesy to some people but for me, my recent ACTUAL real connection with god has brought me to a much better place. Regardless of how things are with her, learning to be at peace with myself and my kids made a big difference. Also, the more things you do that are needed, the more you will get what is wanted.
It just feels good to let it all out here. I truly love this site and the people who use it. I also appreciate all the opinions and points of view because whether they are good or bad in my eyes I still can take something away from it as can anyone who reads it. Thanks for reading and like I said earlier, I mean no offense to anyone with anything I have said.
To all the Father’s out there, Happy Father’s Day
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