Mizztobers

I just signed up for this site tonight and hope it helps. I went to one meeting and he got so angry he ignored me for my birthday and thanksgiving...

So my boyfriend and i have been together for 3 years. I found out I am pregnant about 6 weeks ago. He has always been a drinker, but over the last year its gotten worse, so much worse that memorial day weekend he demanded a ride home from a friends house, after drinking, what he says, was 14 beers. During the ride he got mad and called me names. I pulled over and asked him to go back to his friends and sleep it off. After demanding I drive he punched me in the face. Upon returning home i went out and sat in my car. I returned to find a bunch of by belongings ripped or smashed. This was the first time he hit me... it kills me that this didnt happen until i was pregnant. (He says he is excited about the baby, and when sober talks/ daydreams about it non stop)

He was remorseful and went 3 days with out a drink. Well that didnt last. He has not gotten violent since but has drank until he passed out more than once. I am looking at the future as not being a happy one. I have alot of health problems and this my be my only chance to have a child. I thought the punch and the baby would make him face reality and try to get help. After 3 days sober he got the shakes and couldnt sleep so he had a large beer. Then one big one lead to 4, then 6 and so on. In the past when he had whiskey he would be verbally abusive and just plain rude, now i dont know what will happen next.

Im not sure what to do. I love the sober man he is, but not the mess who cant be woken from the sofa at night. I see a future of bringing up this baby alone. In fact having 2 helpless creatures to take care of. I just feel alone and dont know what to do or expect.

I dont talk to my family or friends about this as i dont want them thinking poorly about him.

Any guidance would be appreciated....

sugarbear1

Welcome to SR!

big hugs to you. I don't know what to say. Al Anon for you, maybe?

reggiewayne

Welcome. I'm sorry you are going through such a tough time. There is a saying that I think is very true: Recovery is for people that want it, not for those who need it. The truth is, we real alcoholics only get sober when we're desperate. There is nothing you can do to get him to stop drinking. That must come from withing him.

My guess is if he is abusive and irresponsible now, it will only get worse if he continues drinking. I would strongly recommend focusing on getting yourself into a more positive situation.

Best of luck to you.

Mizztobers

I would go to a meeting however i feel i would have to sneak. When i went to the meeting the last time i felt stupid as i couldnt get my emotions under control.

I keep reading peoples experiences where the drinking gets worse after a baby comes and am having a hard time understanding. He was so excited when I told him.. I dont understand alot of things.

I have kept drinking out of my life because it has lead to problems with alot of family (grandfathers, moms first husband, whom i never met) and it was never for me.

I wish i had the money to disappear or move out for a while and work on myself but its just not possible. My family is a few hours away and i guess in a way im trapped. At least i have a bed set up in the attic.

The hardest part is this is only him at night. He rarely drinks during the day and is so sweet and caring when he is sober. I know deep inside thats the person he wants to be. What a horrible disease. It kills me because i can see him trying but he looses the battle after a few days. He thinks he can quit drinking like he did smoking. Obviously it isnt working.

CarolD

Welcome...

Sorry to know you have this situation going on.

I suggest you check out another forum...it's for those who love alcoholics

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Living with an alcoholic who abuses you is not ever a good idea...IMO
You and your baby deserve peace in your life.

Mizztobers

sorry for posting in the wrong spot, having a little trouble navagating the site.

thanks for pointing me in the right direction

Payton

Have you thought about seeing a domestic violence counselor? A very sad fact is that domestic violence often first occurs or escalates during pregnancy. You mentioned several things that are emotionally and/or physically abusive and this is a very unhealthy environment for you to be in as you grow your baby. You sound very afraid and bewildered and I worry for your safety and the safety of your unborn child. I think you need to see a therapist and right away. Can you ask your doctor for resources?

crewisms

Hi Mizztobers. You didn't post in the wrong place. You posted in one of many places you'll find love and support in SR. Wow. Good for you to have the courage to ask for help and advice. There is nothing more precious and beautiful than a baby. Follow Carol's advice to find others like you in the Friends and Family forum. But don't hesitate to come right back here if you want to.

CarolD

The reason I suggested the other forum was because that is
full of supportive members who have been where you are.
Also....
it has lots of info there on the top sticky posts.

You did nothing wrong by starting here...sorry I was not clear.

suki44883

Hon, physical violence is NEVER okay. Please call a domestic violence center. They can help you.

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Mizztobers

thankyou,

The other forum is very quiet, and with a sleeping boyfriend and my mind all over, quite is not what i need at the moment.

Are there theories as to why violence starts/ increases with pregnancy? I just doesnt make sense to me when he was more cofindent and calm about this than i was. maybe its all him hiding he doesnt want this. I dont know. I have asked and he denies not wanting the baby.

I dont yell at him when he drinks, however when he looks up with the glazed over eyes and tells me he loves me, i dont feed into it and reassure him. I just melt into the background i guess.

The punch still shocks me and i dont know that i will ever be able to forgive him. The crazy part is even talking to a therapist feels like betrayal in a way. I guess typing to people i dont see and letting the tears go alone is the first step.

suki44883

While he's sleeping, why not just call the DV hotline? You don't have to do anything except talk to them and listen to what they say. Let them help you.

Amy2011

Don't stay in a violent situation and put your child at risk. Trust me it only gets worse as the drinking progresses. You and your baby deserve more. I was the alcoholic wife with 2 great kids and a wonderful husband. Although, I was never violent as my drinking progressed I wasn't the mother and wife I should have been. I know I did things in blackouts that I don't remember. An alcoholic parent doesn't realize the damage they are doing while in active addiction. Remember he won't get sober until he is ready no matter what you say or do. I know getting sober changed my life, but I couldn't do it until I was ready to face the reality of what I had become. I wish you all the best.

Payton

I don't know why it escalates, but it's a well known fact that it does.

Do you have any family or friends you can talk to?

Talking to a therapist is not betrayal. You have to protect yourself for the sake of your little baby.

Mizztobers

/suki,

I know its not okay, and that night changed things for me. The drinking is not as ignorable as it was because i am on guard.

I dont want this to come off rude, but what would the hotline do for me? I dont want police involved.... I know its not my fault... just not sure what they do when you call>=

Payton

Here's an article I found helpful:
Domestic violence during pregnancy | BabyCenter

National Domestic Violence Hotline (800) 799-7233

Payton

They listen to you and help you process and think out loud about what you want to do. You feel less alone. They will show you compassion and understanding. They can provide advice and resources.

Mizztobers

thankyou payton,

I have not told my friends or family about any of this. His friends know what happened with the punch because i called them from the side of the road asking for someone to come get him, but they all had been drinking too so noone was sober to drive. I will read that link as soon as i am done typing. As far as counseling, ill give it a try. I need it anyway with all my normal anxiety and not taking medicine bc of the pregnancy. The problem is the expense, i work running a goup home for the disabled, im on sallary and my income just gets me by. Ill figure something out.. I get some free sessions through eap at my job so thats a start...

suki44883

Just call and talk to them. They won't get the police involved unless you want them to. They can give you some options to get to a safe place. They can help put you in touch with family who may be able to help. You don't have to make any decisions, but just call and talk to them. Please.

Payton

Free sessions through eap is perfect! I also say why not call that hotline? You have nothing to lose. You don't even have to tell them your name if you don't want to. Chances are whoever answers will have been in your shoes too and they are there because they want to reach out to others. I think you should call.