constantlylearn

Hi Y'all,

This is my first time here to SR but gosh has it been helpful. I now have some questions of my own, thank you in advance for all your help/input.

My BF went into rehab because he is addicted to opiates and "legal meth". He has been in treatment for 47 of his 90 days. When he first entered treatment he called 3 days in and said he was coming home and that he didn't want to be there anymore. At this time I hadn't been doing any step work or nar-anon so I totally let it tear me up. Luckily he stayed. After that I decided I needed to work on myself too, so I started nar-anon and the steps. With that said I sent him a letter outlining my bottom line if he left early which was:

We wouldn't be together anymore. Period.

He then said at 30 days that he was going to leave. So I told him that was his choice and he knew the consequences, he said he'd stay "for me". Ugh. His reasoning at 30 days was that he learned everything he was going to be able to learn in rehab and that he wanted "real life".

Well, he called his parents today (who were on board with me about the 90 days being necessary) and told them that because there are only 3 people in the rehab and that the supervisors are slacking off and he's not getting the teaching he needs -weird since he said he had already learned everything - and that they are verbally abusing him. (I'll call B.S. on that too)

Basically he's now wearing on his parents and I feel like he's manipulating them into letting him come home.

His counselors say he's starting to get it, but that he's got a lot to learn. He's been isolating from other members in the house and lashing out because he doesn't want to be there.

My questions are:

• Should I reinforce my line, plain and simple? Or should I see if there are any concrete reasons for what he's saying?
  
• In your experience, does this sound like someone that truly wants this? I'll be honest, to me, it seems like it could go either way
  
• He isn't working his steps in the rehab because they have them work 1-3 in there but not the others, however they are able to read the daily text. Alas, he isn't doing that either
  
• Am I correct in thinking that if he can't finish 90 days of rehab it'll be hard for him to finish college and eventually raise a child (we don't have one at the moment, but you never know)?...both of those things are pretty hard.

Thank you for reading and welcoming me to the board, it means a lot.

dollydo

Welcome, you set your boundry, he either completes the program or you are done...so...
if he leaves early, you are done. A boundry that is not enforced is nothing but an idle threat and does nothing expect turn all your power over to him.

All the "reasons" he is feeding you in my opinion is all BS. I don't know what kind of program he is in however not continuing the steps makes no sense to me...do you actually know that to be the truth? Addicts lie.

As for planning the family thing, I'd put that on the back burner until he has been clean and sober, working a strong recovery program for at least a couple of years and then there is college, he won't make it through college unless he is off the drugs.

He will be an addict all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is clean and working a recovery program for life. When you have children with an addict, you are predisposing the children to inherit the gene which predisposes them to addiction. 50% of these children either become addicts themselves or they hook up with addicts, they can also suffer from many other issues, such as low self esteem, depression, impulsiveness and learning disabilities.

Lots to thnk about, are you attending Naranon meetings, have you read Codependent No More..I would urge you to do both.

Katiekate

Just from reading your post, it sounds like you are a pretty smart woman, and you know the answers to all those questions.



The only thing I can say is, for me, it would be unacceptable. It's only 90 days, compared to a lifetime of in and out of rehab, screwing everything up on drugs, including your relationship .

He will do what he will do, sounds like you are pretty young, talking about maybe having kids, he will need years of recovery either way he goes, it's no way to start a life with someone.

Sounds to me like he is jonsing to get out, gets him closer to what he loves most. Drugs.

constantlylearn

Thank you guys. I am in no way thinking about a family anytime soon, but you know BC can fail and in that case, you can't really do much else. I am attending al-anon because there isn't a nar-anon chapter in my area, which really sucks. I wish there was, I'm thinking about starting one but not until I get my steps done. It's so difficult for me to not go back into active codependency because I truly love him...I'm positive you have been there too, so I know it can be done. I can hold my line, I have to or like you said they are empty words.

I wasn't aware of that 50% stat, my mom was an addict - never active with me she was clean 4 years prior - but yes it's a gene for sure, I know if I ever went down that road it'd be the end of my life. Funny how I fell right in there with being with an addict isn't it? None of us are immune from stats I suppose

As per the steps thing, yes it's actually true. It's a faith based treatment center and becaue NA steps teach that you can have your own higher power they don't want conflicting ideals. HOWEVER, with that said you CAN get a sponsor while you're in there and I'm sure, if he wanted it enough, he could work his steps. My sponsor is over the phone, I've never met her and I'm on step 5. If I can do it, he can too...right?!

Thanks for all your help, seriously!

dollydo

Good for you, keep those meetings up. As you are working on your recovery for you, so must he. This is his problem to resolve.

I am the daughter of an alcoholic, she is still drinking daily at age 86....dealing with her is a real trip. Neither my brother nor I are addicts, however, we both have hooked up with them...yep, we were part of that 50%...we both still today bear the scars of being raised in the home of an abusive alcoholic....who married abusive alcoholics.

Tread slowly, watch his actions, his words mean nothing. Keep posting, we are here for you.

breath

This guy has a long way to go before your questions can be taken seriously. Obviouly he has not come close to getting through step 1; and he still needs to recognize tere is absolutely no way he can stay clean lone. Hold your line, or better yet move on while this thing is still growing; it sounds as though you are young, and this dude is going to be a long, long wait, with trouble in between uless h turns HIMSELF around. Best wishes, prayer, take care.

And So It Is.

SeekingGrowth

I agree with the assessment of others - I think his stated reasons for wanting out are BS and that he really wants out because he wants to use. I've been down this road with my AS, who was a heroin addict. First time in rehab, he wanted out early in the WORST way. He said the EXACT same things to me that your BF is saying to you -- I've learned all there is to know in here; I want to get out so I can get to work on my recovery already - get a sponsor, work the steps, etc., etc. He stayed in rehab for the duration only with big time arm twisting ... and then he used literally THE DAY he got out! He admitted to me after the fact that he wasn't serious about recovery while he was in rehab, and that he was actually planning his next use while he was there!

constantlylearn

Thank you all. I agree with everything that has been said. I don't want to be stuck on his roller coaster. Especially if he can't do 90 days! I've done 7 months of this roller coaster! I'm going up there today to hold my line. It's going to be hard but necessary.

I put it in writing,-again- that way there are no confusions.

constantlylearn

See, your husband really wanted it! That's what I haven't seen!

constantlylearn

Do you feel like holding on was worth it?

CanfixONLYme

Hi contstantly, I hope you are holding up ok. I agree with everyone on this thread. Your bf wants to use - end of. its heartbreaking because they know what they need to do to get better for themselves but the pull of addiction is too great.

My story isn't a happy ending as I'm now divorcing my AH. I was in the boat of dating him knowing he had these issues (and bipolar) but I really believed he would be successful. After 4x in rehab (long stints) and almost 10-12 times of failed attempts (like what your bf is doing right now... the EXACT thing - manipulating, temper tantrums, belligerence) I finally had enough.

I hope you don't go through this like I did almost 5 years later and he's out somewhere doing who knows what... I'm exhausted and mentally and physically done.

Keep posting --- you seem like a really smart lady!

outtolunch

That was more like an attempt to control him than a boundary.

In a similar situation a boundary would sound something like this:
" I do not do relationships with active addicts or those new to recovery. "

He is free to do as he pleases which he's goning to do no matter what. There is nothing you can say or do to keep him clean or cause him to relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are. Recovery is an inside job.

Most addicts relapse after rehab, regardless if it's 28 or 90 days. Finishing school and everything else is secondary to protecting and sustaining addiction. Getting a prison term is more likely than finishing school.

Active addicts and those new to recovery are not competent to parent.

Does it make some sense to find someone else who is in a better position to be the man you want and need instead of sustaining a hopeful fantasy that this guy is going to magically change?

constantlylearn

Yeah I realize that boundary is more like a control measure. ..now, that I've worked some steps. However, with that said. I'm sticking to it, otherwise he is a quitter...not the good kind. I'm unwilling to watch him kill himself.

Had a visit yesterday, didnt go well. He basically said he was leaving, so, his cboice. I still managed to leave. I'm heart broken. but he chooses it.

As per finding someone else, at this point that's where I'm at. But, for now I'm going to be alone.


He is cash pay the entire program is 3k. Worth it if you ask me.