Jennifer124

I have not written for awhile.... although my EXAB has moved out of my apartment (over 2 weeks ago)....... Everything is so peaceful.....
OK, so this may sound pretty crazy due to all of the years of s*#t we all have put up with living with an alcoholic, but has anyone ever wanted to apologize to their ex for the psycho controlling codependent behavior? I have been reading up on detachment, dependency, and caretaking, and now I feel guilty that I was attempting to gain power in the relationship and control another human being's behavior.
Is it just me trying to make myself feel better and gain control again, even out of the relationship?
Any thoughts?

Katiekate

What do you think Jennifer???

The question actually confused me.

It's only two weeks, if it were me , I would give it sometime to let it all sink in, see what happens, actually it sounds like you are trying to control something , I'm just not sure what it is.

Sounds like a clean up. I'm afraid you will get hooked back in somehow.

I think you might want to be more clear on what it is you are feeling.

wicked

Oh, if I had to guess this is the one. Only two weeks out? I think I read the minimum would be half the length of your relationship. If it was years, you are gonna have to work in this one awhile.
Back way up and think about your behavior only, write it down.
You are trying to control the amends part, you are not near that yet.
Try step one.

Beth

Jennifer124

Well, we were actually living together while broken up for 2 months, that was quite the experience. The feeling I am identifying is feeling bad (or guilty) about my actions in the relationship. Even though my actions were guided by me feeling out of control by his drinking.....Does that make sense?
I do feel I am trying to control something, I just don't know what....... ugh

Jennifer124

oh gosh, I hope not! So I need to just let it go huh.... ?

choublak

I understand where you're coming from, but I think the only thing you can really "apologize" for is ignorance of the nature of alcoholism.

lizatola

I agree here. You found your own way to cope and I am not so sure that requires apology unless you are trying to meet some emotional need that comes from interacting with him, no matter how unhealthy it is. I say let the past be in the past and move on. Maybe what you really need to do is forgive yourself and work on that first, before you go to him with any kind of apology? Sometimes I find that I am actually angry at myself more so than being angry at my AH. It gets misdirected in my mind, but really I'm just mad that I didn't take action or keep my mouth shut or not snoop for those bottles, does that make sense? I 'think' I'm mad at him for hiding it, but really I'm mad at myself for snooping for what I already knew would be there.

Jennifer124

Thanks guys, for making me look at my motivations Maybe I am trying to meet some emotional need, or maybe I am trying to reconnect for some sick reason. I do feel bad, maybe it is anger, that I allowed myself to be miserable for so many years. He has a way of making me feel guilty, twist things and such. I guess maybe I want to be like "look, I am taking responsibility for my part." I don't know, that's why I am so thankful for this forum to either knock me back in reality (even just by reading others posts), and make me look at my own dysfunctional ways of dealing with insanity.......

FindingJoy

It's a tricky way of reconnecting to the chaos. Play it all out in your mind. You call him say you want to apologize to him, you do, he starts his manipulation games on you, and bingo you are back in the mix. Even if it's just for a night not worth. You don't deserve another night ever of toxic BS.

I felt kinda blah and a little bored after 2 weeks NC. It's because I was use to the roller oater if chaos and now I'm off the ride...it's take some time for our mind and body to adjust to normalcy, peace, and even god forbid happiness.

BuffaloGal

I am genuinely sorry for a great deal of my behavior during my relationship with my aexh, but it took a couple of years to sort out how much was really regret over my own bad behavior, and how much was staying involved with the past. It is valuable to take responsibility for your part... but it takes time to get the clarity to see what is and what isn't. The best amends I can do is to not be like that anymore, with anyone, and forgive myself. So far so good.

SoaringSpirits

Give it more time. Keep working on detachment. Loving detachment, LOL.

I guess you could say it's a kind of attempt to control. You are wanting to put the exclamation point on things, the last word as it were, by apologizing.
It's totally understandable, it sounds like something I'd do. Maybe write that letter and keep it to yourself. Sometimes I find that writing a letter to my AH that stays with me is very therapeutic!