New to this and need a lot of help...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 62
New to this and need a lot of help...
So a little background info. My AH and I have been married for 8 years. He was wonderful, educated, great! Two years into our marriage, I got pregnant with twins. The stress of the twins was too much for him and he started drinking. It's gotten worse over time and I've been struggling over the last 5 years. He's done outpatient detox and treatment many times, inpatient detox twice, and most recently rehab.
This last particular time was memorable. It was the day after mother's day and he actually called me while at was with my family at lunch, saying he needed help. He actually drove himself to the hospital and ended up going to rehab. It was a huge step for him, and I actually started to feel like there was hope for us. He stayed for 25 days, but had to go back to work, so he came home. The very next day, he started drinking. It was such a disappointment!
I left him and took our 5 year olds with me to my mom's house. I couldn't sleep or concentrate at work...but then I found this forum and it was like having an angel sent from heaven. I started to feel better, and any time I felt down, I would read more posts. I love this site! My AH called me and I told him about SR and he angrily asked me why I hadn't told him about it before. Really? You're angry about that?!? In any case, my plan was to file for divorce. I felt really hopeful about the future...but...then I remembered why he had gone to rehab the last time. I had forgotten that I had taken his wallet and so he was no longer able to buy A. He HAD to face reality. Sooo..I took his wallet again last night.
I'm not sure if I did the right thing. He was mad, but that will make him face reality. Now I don't know if I should file for divorce or not. I feel like I need to give it one last try. He says he'll kill himself if I file for divorce.
I don't feel so well right now! My question is have I done the right things???
This last particular time was memorable. It was the day after mother's day and he actually called me while at was with my family at lunch, saying he needed help. He actually drove himself to the hospital and ended up going to rehab. It was a huge step for him, and I actually started to feel like there was hope for us. He stayed for 25 days, but had to go back to work, so he came home. The very next day, he started drinking. It was such a disappointment!
I left him and took our 5 year olds with me to my mom's house. I couldn't sleep or concentrate at work...but then I found this forum and it was like having an angel sent from heaven. I started to feel better, and any time I felt down, I would read more posts. I love this site! My AH called me and I told him about SR and he angrily asked me why I hadn't told him about it before. Really? You're angry about that?!? In any case, my plan was to file for divorce. I felt really hopeful about the future...but...then I remembered why he had gone to rehab the last time. I had forgotten that I had taken his wallet and so he was no longer able to buy A. He HAD to face reality. Sooo..I took his wallet again last night.
I'm not sure if I did the right thing. He was mad, but that will make him face reality. Now I don't know if I should file for divorce or not. I feel like I need to give it one last try. He says he'll kill himself if I file for divorce.
I don't feel so well right now! My question is have I done the right things???
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I am glad you found us, but sad about the reason that brought you here.
I'm confused about some of your post......
You left him and live with your mom, right? How did you take his wallet?
What was your motivation in taking his wallet?
I am glad you found us, but sad about the reason that brought you here.
I'm confused about some of your post......
You left him and live with your mom, right? How did you take his wallet?
What was your motivation in taking his wallet?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 457
You need to find a al anon group near you right now and start attending.
You sound co-dependent, and his threat of suicide sounds like a last attempt at controlling you.
Just an opinion from someone that has been in your husband's shoes.
dab
You sound co-dependent, and his threat of suicide sounds like a last attempt at controlling you.
Just an opinion from someone that has been in your husband's shoes.
dab
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by sotired77 
The stress of the twins was too much for him and he started drinking. It's gotten worse over time and I've been struggling over the last 5 years. He's done outpatient detox and treatment many times, inpatient detox twice, and most recently rehab.
This last particular time was memorable. It was the day after mother's day .............He stayed for 25 days, but had to go back to work, so he came home. The very next day, he started drinking.
Now I don't know if I should file for divorce or not. I feel like I need to give it one last try.
This last particular time was memorable. It was the day after mother's day .............He stayed for 25 days, but had to go back to work, so he came home. The very next day, he started drinking.
Now I don't know if I should file for divorce or not. I feel like I need to give it one last try.
He chose to drink. He is still making the same choice. He is an adult and these are his adult choices. He is showing you who he is, and you want to change that.
You and your children,
Did not Cause this
Can not Control this
Will not Cure this (the 3 C's of his addiction)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Maybe both things can happen.
You can file for divorce and he can get help.
If things work out over the next couple of years, meaning you get healthy and he does, you can revisit your relationship.
At this point, I don't see any reason to change any plans.
What is most important is that your children are not subjected to the chaos of alcoholism and that you get heathy . As far as your husband goes, the only thing that will make him well is him.
You can file for divorce and he can get help.
If things work out over the next couple of years, meaning you get healthy and he does, you can revisit your relationship.
At this point, I don't see any reason to change any plans.
What is most important is that your children are not subjected to the chaos of alcoholism and that you get heathy . As far as your husband goes, the only thing that will make him well is him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 62
Wow, all great points. I never thought about blaming the kids, since I really don't think it's their fault at all. THEY absolutely didn't cause this. I'm just saying that's when things changed. In any case, I went back to the house to get more clothes and things I forgot, and that's when I took his wallet.
I know that I can't change him, and I've done plenty to try. I poured it down the drain (he bought more), I took his keys (he WALKED to the store), and finally I took his wallet (he used the kids' money from their piggy bank). It's really sad, but taking the wallet actually did work last time. He eventually ran out of money and then HAD to stop drinking. Once the drinking cycle stopped, then he was able to think a little clearer and get the help he needed. I know HE is the one that has to change. I know I can't change him or walk his journey for him. I'm just giving him a shove in the right direction.
I'm not worried about him. I'm worried about my kids. It makes me so angry that they are not in their home, sleeping in their beds. It makes me angry that they will have a broken home once I file for divorce. But I guess that's just the cards we were dealt.
In any case, if he makes these threats of suicide, do I take them seriously or not? I work in healthcare, and I've always been taught to take threats of suicide very seriously. Also, do I just give him his wallet back then? Am I doing more harm than good by keeping it?
I've been to plenty of al-anon meetings. It makes me feel better, but the situation is still the situation. Just thought I'd get more and different prespectives. You guys are all great.
I know that I can't change him, and I've done plenty to try. I poured it down the drain (he bought more), I took his keys (he WALKED to the store), and finally I took his wallet (he used the kids' money from their piggy bank). It's really sad, but taking the wallet actually did work last time. He eventually ran out of money and then HAD to stop drinking. Once the drinking cycle stopped, then he was able to think a little clearer and get the help he needed. I know HE is the one that has to change. I know I can't change him or walk his journey for him. I'm just giving him a shove in the right direction.
I'm not worried about him. I'm worried about my kids. It makes me so angry that they are not in their home, sleeping in their beds. It makes me angry that they will have a broken home once I file for divorce. But I guess that's just the cards we were dealt.
In any case, if he makes these threats of suicide, do I take them seriously or not? I work in healthcare, and I've always been taught to take threats of suicide very seriously. Also, do I just give him his wallet back then? Am I doing more harm than good by keeping it?
I've been to plenty of al-anon meetings. It makes me feel better, but the situation is still the situation. Just thought I'd get more and different prespectives. You guys are all great.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by sotired77
It's really sad, but taking the wallet actually did work last time. He eventually ran out of money and then HAD to stop drinking. Once the drinking cycle stopped, then he was able to think a little clearer and get the help he needed.
As far as suicide threats go, I would take them seriously. By that, I mean call the police. That way, if he is serious, the right people will be there. And if he is manipulating you, he will not have gotten what he wants and the threats will stop.
L
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Oh, and as far as the "stress of twins" being too much for him and causing him to drink? LOLOLOLOLOL! You carried them, gave birth to them, and as far as I can tell, probably do most of the raising and taking care of them--are you drinking? No? I rest my case.
L
L
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
As a mother and as a child that grew up thinking my birth caused problems in our home, please do not perpetuate the lie that the birth of your precious twins caused your adult husband to drink. That is a terrible burden for a child to carry. I know.
That is how kids think.
I understand you are tired. I have been there too. Please get some help for yourself, and the only person who makes your husband drink is your husband. When I was drinking the only one raising that glass was me. Adults take responsibility for themselves.
Thank you for listening,
Beth
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 62
Thank you for saying this. I will be sure to never make them feel like they had anything to do with this at all. Because they didn't. That's what makes me so angry. They don't deserve any of this.
Right now when they ask about their dad (which is rare), I tell them he got sick. That's all they need to know.
Right now when they ask about their dad (which is rare), I tell them he got sick. That's all they need to know.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Threat of suicide, dial 911.
I agree, he is manipulating and trying to control the situation.
You will either be saving his life, or calling his bluff. .
I agree, he is manipulating and trying to control the situation.
As far as the wallet, I'd give it back to him, taking it from him is nothing more than a band-aid measure. We cannot control or allow out of control people to consume us.
He's an active alkie, he is addicted, he's just doing what active alkie's do.
I commend you for getting your children and yourself out of this toxic situation.
While your children may not be sleeping in their own beds at night, I think it's more important that they are safe, secure and loved, and not exposed to anymore of their father's addiction. Good on YOU.
Keep the focus on you and the kids, they truly need one responsible parent. Being a single parent is not easy, (been there) but it is still the better, and possibly the only option at this point. Hugs))))
Hang in there.
I agree, he is manipulating and trying to control the situation.
You will either be saving his life, or calling his bluff. .
I agree, he is manipulating and trying to control the situation.
As far as the wallet, I'd give it back to him, taking it from him is nothing more than a band-aid measure. We cannot control or allow out of control people to consume us.
He's an active alkie, he is addicted, he's just doing what active alkie's do.
I commend you for getting your children and yourself out of this toxic situation.
While your children may not be sleeping in their own beds at night, I think it's more important that they are safe, secure and loved, and not exposed to anymore of their father's addiction. Good on YOU.
Keep the focus on you and the kids, they truly need one responsible parent. Being a single parent is not easy, (been there) but it is still the better, and possibly the only option at this point. Hugs))))
Hang in there.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I'd give the wallet back.
In my community, it is Friday and he could have had his license replaced, and accessed his finances with his new temporary i.d. and be on his way to his next drunk by now.
I left my AH and took the kids with me too.
After 3 days of no contact, I called him and asked him to please find temporary living arrangements for himself so that the kids could be back at home with their routines. I also wanted to be back at home to care for the furrbabies. My AH agreed to the temporary switch of who stayed in the house.
I eventually filed for divorce and gave him possession of the house.
In my community, it is Friday and he could have had his license replaced, and accessed his finances with his new temporary i.d. and be on his way to his next drunk by now.
I left my AH and took the kids with me too.
After 3 days of no contact, I called him and asked him to please find temporary living arrangements for himself so that the kids could be back at home with their routines. I also wanted to be back at home to care for the furrbabies. My AH agreed to the temporary switch of who stayed in the house.
I eventually filed for divorce and gave him possession of the house.
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