Some Realizations About Myself
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Join Date: Mar 2009
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Some Realizations About Myself
I stayed up late last night, unable to sleep and very keyed up. So I decided to dive into Beattie's "Codependents' Guide to the Twelve Steps" and came to some realizations about myself.
1. For starters, most of my self-esteem comes from feeling somehow better than my XAH. But feeling superior to an alcohlic is actually pretty easy, isn't it? All I have to do is stay out of trouble, which is what I should be doing anyway. If I am truly working a good program, the only person I would be competing against would be myself. My only yardstick would be whether or not I was closer to my goals (assuming I had any) than the day or week or month before....leading to....
2. A lack of goals means I never have to be responsible for when something goes wrong...but it also means I never get that sense of accomplishment when things improve. For whatever reason, the benefits of being uninvolved have been greater than those of taking things in hand....leading to....
3. I have often fooled myself and others into believing that some of the tougher aspects of my life - working nights, having a chronically messy house, lack of self care - are the results of angelic self-sacrifice in order to keep my kids steady. That may be a side benefit but as Beattie says in the book, "So much of what we call codependency is simply human attempts to avoid, deny or divert our pain." I know that is true for me.
So that's what happens when you stay up until 2:30 AM with a Beattie book, a fan blowing and some Diet Coke. I really hope its the book and not the Diet Coke
BTW, would anyone reading this be interested in pursuing a Codie 12 Step Study based on this book? I know someone posted in a thread some time ago about how they loved Beattie but that she didn't give much insight on how to work through codie issues. Then I remembered I had this book.
I know we already have a 12 Step Study moving apace but I am assuming it is more of an Al-Anon-ish one? I haven't read it so I don't know....<blush blush>....
1. For starters, most of my self-esteem comes from feeling somehow better than my XAH. But feeling superior to an alcohlic is actually pretty easy, isn't it? All I have to do is stay out of trouble, which is what I should be doing anyway. If I am truly working a good program, the only person I would be competing against would be myself. My only yardstick would be whether or not I was closer to my goals (assuming I had any) than the day or week or month before....leading to....
2. A lack of goals means I never have to be responsible for when something goes wrong...but it also means I never get that sense of accomplishment when things improve. For whatever reason, the benefits of being uninvolved have been greater than those of taking things in hand....leading to....
3. I have often fooled myself and others into believing that some of the tougher aspects of my life - working nights, having a chronically messy house, lack of self care - are the results of angelic self-sacrifice in order to keep my kids steady. That may be a side benefit but as Beattie says in the book, "So much of what we call codependency is simply human attempts to avoid, deny or divert our pain." I know that is true for me.
So that's what happens when you stay up until 2:30 AM with a Beattie book, a fan blowing and some Diet Coke. I really hope its the book and not the Diet Coke
BTW, would anyone reading this be interested in pursuing a Codie 12 Step Study based on this book? I know someone posted in a thread some time ago about how they loved Beattie but that she didn't give much insight on how to work through codie issues. Then I remembered I had this book.
I know we already have a 12 Step Study moving apace but I am assuming it is more of an Al-Anon-ish one? I haven't read it so I don't know....<blush blush>....
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Posts: 3,424
Your post resonated and I would consider it. I am doing some step work through Patrick Carnes "The Gentle Guide for the Twelve Steps" It has a addict and codependent side. I get to do both (eating disorder and Al-anon).
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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(((((PurpleSquirrel)))))
What an insightful post about yourself. You really are doing some 'inside work.'
I think your idea is a great one, and I would be willing to participate.
I've shared many times here and elsewhere that I got sober through AA and
worked the steps and then started to live the steps. Then at 3 years sober,
at the very STRONG SUGGESTION of my AA sponsor I started attending
Alanon and got an Alanon sponsor. A gal who just happened to also be a
double winner (recovery in both AA and Alanon).
When I started Alanon, I again worked the steps and then started to live
the steps with what I had learned additionally in Alanon. I will say again:
AA got me sober, Alanon taught me how to LIVE sober.
Yes, the steps are basically the same, however, Alanon has a different
perspective on them than AA, and it was Alanon that saved my azz in the
long run. Through Alanon I learned how to apply the 'principals' of the
steps in ALL my affairs.
I learned how to act and react to folks, be they a loved one that was an A,
an employer, an employee or just the check out clerk at the grocery store.
It was Alanon and the gals and guys in it that taught me how to slowly remove
that 7 foot high, 7 foot thick steel wall I had put around myself so I wouldn't
let anyone in. It was Alanon that taught me how to be loving, kind, compas-
sonate but not compromise myself. It was Alanon that taught me how to
LIVE MY LIFE AND ENJOY MY LIFE.
So any additional perspectives on the 12 steps, especially using Melodie Beattie
I am more than happy to participate in and learn more.
So, all that, roflmao to say, count me in.
Love and hugs,
What an insightful post about yourself. You really are doing some 'inside work.'
I think your idea is a great one, and I would be willing to participate.
I've shared many times here and elsewhere that I got sober through AA and
worked the steps and then started to live the steps. Then at 3 years sober,
at the very STRONG SUGGESTION of my AA sponsor I started attending
Alanon and got an Alanon sponsor. A gal who just happened to also be a
double winner (recovery in both AA and Alanon).
When I started Alanon, I again worked the steps and then started to live
the steps with what I had learned additionally in Alanon. I will say again:
AA got me sober, Alanon taught me how to LIVE sober.
Yes, the steps are basically the same, however, Alanon has a different
perspective on them than AA, and it was Alanon that saved my azz in the
long run. Through Alanon I learned how to apply the 'principals' of the
steps in ALL my affairs.
I learned how to act and react to folks, be they a loved one that was an A,
an employer, an employee or just the check out clerk at the grocery store.
It was Alanon and the gals and guys in it that taught me how to slowly remove
that 7 foot high, 7 foot thick steel wall I had put around myself so I wouldn't
let anyone in. It was Alanon that taught me how to be loving, kind, compas-
sonate but not compromise myself. It was Alanon that taught me how to
LIVE MY LIFE AND ENJOY MY LIFE.
So any additional perspectives on the 12 steps, especially using Melodie Beattie
I am more than happy to participate in and learn more.
So, all that, roflmao to say, count me in.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 317
I love this thread. I believe its key to recovery. I've spent so much time blaming AH when in reality, I could use a "tune up" on the inside as well. All the things AH has done to me, I have allowed and continued to endure it. I need to look inside and realize a healthy "me" shouldn't have done or allowed so many of the things I am resentful for. I let myself go..became the martyr. This is refreshing just to see some self-responsibility.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by PurpleSquirrel 
1. For starters, most of my self-esteem comes from feeling somehow better than my XAH. But feeling superior to an alcohlic is actually pretty easy, isn't it?
This is one of the ugly truths I discovered about myself as well. Probably even one of the underlying reasons why I married an alcoholic in the first place.
L
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: OH
Posts: 57
Great thread. It took me a long time and probably still learning this also. We(codies) get in the terrible habit of using the addict in our life to blame all our problems on. Just as the addict doesn't get better until they change their behavior, we (codies) do not get better until we change OUR behavior.
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