kevbo

Hi There,

I'm new here, but could use some help.

I recently broke up with my girlfriend that was is an alcoholic, but now I'm experiencing extreme guilt.

We dated for about 8 months, and within the first month there were the warning signs, but I ignored them because I was falling in love with her sweet and innocent side.

After 2 months of dating, her mother passed away from suicide. It was an extremely tragic time and I was with my GF to give her all of my love and everything I could. This time, as tragic as it was, brought her and I closer and our bond stronger.

I think I was still in denial that she was an alcoholic/drug abuser/addict, but within the month following her mothers passing, I began to notice it a lot more. I brought it up to my GF to try and speak with her about it, and it turned into an argument.

From that time, whenever she would start to drink I would confront her and it would be an argument again, day after day.

I'm sure you guys know all to well how the cycle goes, but eventually after a few major hangovers on her part, she admitted to having a problem. She spoke with therapists, but always after about 3 weeks she would eventually start rationalizing drinking again.

Anyways, eventually after us arguing too much, and me running away one too many times, she actually pulled away for good.

I know she is trying to improve her life (which is good) I also know it was best for us to not be together, although I feel cheated and used for some reason, but now I'm feeling extreme guilt and remorse for getting angry with her for her drinking.

I would always start out trying to talk, then she wouldn't listen or would deny her problem, then she would tell me I'm making things up or I'm trying to control her, then I would be sad and even cry trying to talk to her, but eventually after all of her disregard to my concerns and feelings about her drinking and drug use, I would raise my voice. Then she would always pull away and be quiet.

I would then typically run out of he house because I didn't know how to talk with her when I was feeling this way. Then eventually (either that night, or the following day) I would come back and we would reunite and feel close again. Until our issues came up again.

I found myself at other times getting upset about unrelated things (I think a lot of these are my issues). I would feel resentment towards my GF for her drinking/addictions, and I think even at times of peace between us, I would still hold a grudge towards her and not always be respectful.

I'm certain that she thinks I'm just irrational (and I think I might have been with something's too). I feel like my patience and values were really being tested throughout this relationship. And I really am thankful that it's over. I felt extreme relief the moment the relationship was over.

Now that we are now broken up, I feel extreme guilt for ever getting angry with her, and I feel a lot I remorse for ever hurting her feelings or causing her to close off emotionally to me.

My rational side says that she was betraying and jeopardizing our relationship with her drug and alcohol abuse, and that even the most rational person would have difficulties being in a relationship with someone like this. But there's also the part of me that knows there isn't an excuse for raising your voice, even if you are upset.

I'm in therapy to help myself learn how to express my frustration, or emotions better. Also to learn when my emotions are valid or not, but I can't stop feeling bad for possibly making her more sad. Especially considering what she was (and stil is) going through with grieving the loss of her mother.

We were arguing a few times a week (dramatically) with running away, then coming back to eachother, then fight, then runaway again. A constant cycle of blame, guilt, forgiveness, love, then back to blame again, and so on.

I am just wondering if anyone else feels this guilt for getting upset with the alcoholic/addict, if my guilt is valid (or should I be ok with having stood my ground in these arguments) and, are you able to forgive yourself for your actions

I have never felt guilt like this befor because I have only ever got upset when I felt justified in what I was doing. And in these arguments I felt justified to be upset, but then because I loved my GF, I feel like maybe I overreacted, and I never wanted to hurt her. I was more concerned about her health and our relationship. I always felt like I was being betrayed every time she decided to drink, especially the day or so after our discussions and eventual fights about her substance abuse.

Also, iWeb she would drink I would have a similar feeling in me as if I was being cheated on. It was as if our relationship and our future was being threatened. Does anyone else describe it this way?

I still love her greatly and care about her happiness and I feel so bad for ever raising my voice to her in anger

DefofLov

Hi! Welcome to SoberRecovery!

I think it's great that you have a therapist and that you're here with us. Personally, I don't understand the intensity of your guilt. Sure, you could have expressed your feelings better in the relationship. Maybe raising your voice and leaving at times wadn't the best thing to do. You can't change the past and furthermore...you didn't have the tools to deal with the alcoholism and addiction. That is what we learn here. Tools to deal with life at large and alcoholism.

In relationships, we learn a lot about ourselves and our needs. You learned you have trouble expressing angry feelings. Now, through therapy, you are learning to separate your "stuff" from hers. That is tough to do after dealing with an alcoholic.

This is a process, and if you keep at it, I can guarantee you it will get better. Keep seeing the therapist, read, post, vent, and consider maybe going to Al-Anon.

Love,

Lily

LifeRecovery

Welcome, though I am sorry for the reason that brought you.

When my ex and I broke up I spent months focused on him. Worried, sad, guilty for all of it that was mine in the relationship.

In a way (for me only) I was/am addicted to the drama that came with a relationship with someone with drinking concerns, mainly for the "high" of attempting to fix it. For me this is the type of relationship that I watched in my family growing up, and honestly it was all that I knew.

I felt lost when that relationship fell apart.

It has turned out to be a good thing. I have worked hard regarding it and feel that for me recovery is about space and choices to try different things, get into relationship with different people etc.

For me what helped was learning about addiction. This included lots of reading and therapy, and also starting Al-anon which is for loved ones of people with problem drinking.

kevbo

Ive Beene thinking about things a lot more, and I realize I've been feeling a combination of regret/guilt, and rejection. That's why my feelings were so strong.

I felt like maybe if I hadn't raised my voice or got upset, then maybe things could have worked out between us. But the more I think about it, the more I realize I tried in so many ways to talk with her about this and other issues, however they seemed to fall on deaf ears.

We'd discuss her drinking/drugs, other other important issues, and at first it would seem that we would have a resolution, but within a day or so it was like the conversation never happened. After many many times of trying to discuss things properly, but with no resolve, I started feeling like she never listened. This would eventually lead to me greeting emotional or leaving. Or, after nothing would become of that even, then I would raise my voice.

I realize that I was with someone that I could reasonably problem solve with, so eventually I would get frustrated. There is no excuse for me raising my voice, but I think the reality is I should have left at the first signs of the communication problems.

My feelings of extreme guilt were more just regular regret combined with the rejection of her eventually shutting me out and the relationship being over. I just kept honking maybe I could have done this different, or that different. Or whatever. But that's what I did in the relationship, and it seems I'm even doing that when the relationship is over.

It's difficult to be with someone and have patience when they are choosing drugs and alcohol over you and your feelings.

kevbo

Lol. iPhone spell check isn't very good. FYI. "couldn't" not "could". And "thinking" not "honking"

changeschoices

Your hurt and anger were a normal reaction to her abnormal behavior. In a healthy relationship with a normal person, you would not have acted this way because there would have been no reason to. Stop beating yourself up and place the blame where it belongs: on addiction. Addiction creates sickness not only in the addict but in those around them. You did the best you could with someone who is not their right mind.

tomsteve

i got into a relationship with someone who couldnt stay clean and sober.
when i finally decided I had enough of the insanity, i ended the relationship. i a lot of different emotions i worked though. fear, anger, guilt...you name it.
i felt guilty for ending it, but had to realize i am powerless over other people and cant help them if they wont help themselves. the longer i stayed in that relationship, the longer I stayed in the drama, chaos, and insanity and it was not healthy for me.
i also felt bad because nothing i did hepled her, like i could help someone who wouldnt help themselves.

i got extremely angry at her for using every excuse to get drunk/high and blaming me for everything. i had to see that it was the diseases of alcoholism and addiction i was mad at and not really her( that was a hard one to swallow, but it awas true for me).

changeschoices

Honking has shown to be just as effective as thinking when it comes to dealing with an addict...giggle! I love autocorrect.

battlescars

For myself, I remember that my alcoholic ex would be so insanely irrational when we would argue that it would become some kind of world war over almost nothing. His logic and reasoning abilities were really screwed up when he was drunk and particularly if I tried to address the drinking. It's like dealing with an insane person and thus it doesn't necessarily bring out the best in us, but some frustrated version of ourselves trying to communicate clearly with someone who is so unclear. I did legitimately lose my s*** in the end but have forgiven myself for that. Be good to yourself. It's a messed up ride you've come off of.

kevbo

Thanks guys. Yeah, I'm sad. It's been a tough couple weeks. I keep going back and forth feeling lost or confused. Or, having a hard time letting go. I feel like I was there for everything, then about 3 weeks before we broke up she finally said she was an alcoholic and she'd get help, but then our last fight was because she started thinking she might drink again and try to control it. I felt sick and panicked.

Point is, I don't know if she's still clean or not. She may be, and what hurts me is that I was there through everything and then when she started trying to clean up, then it was over. I feel used and rejected when I think about it sometimes. And I feel ripped off because I never had the opportunity to have a normal relationship with her

Thank you for your words though guys. It helps me to feel like maybe I'm not completely crazy and that my feelings are and we're legitimate. It really does a number on your thoughts. You stop trusting your instincts and you try convincing yourself to go against your feelings.

Then, now, I still feel confused and hurt. But I at least don't feel the constant anxiety.

kevbo

And yeah, it's difficult for me because I still love and care about her. And I want to blame it on her addictions, not really her. It's tough to get over a relationship when you know you love the person, but hate the addiction.

Usually i can get over a relationship because I know it's the person that I'm leaving, but in this case it's the addiction I'm leaving. But to her, I'm sure she just thinks we're not right for eachother. She doesn't know how far that type of addiction or dependency runs in her. I don't think they even realize how it changes their personality. Even when they're a few days, or even weeks sober

changeschoices

I know what you mean about it being hard because you leave the addiction, not the person. I broke up with my AX two months ago. I still love him. I did not want to break up with him. I miss him every day. But it had been almost 2.5 years and he kept drinking in spite of the legal and financial problems it caused, and I finally gave him the ultimatum: you drink again, it's over. Of course, he drank again, so that was that.

Only it's not so easy...I wish I hadn't broken up with him sometimes, wish I had done "better" somehow...but then reality hits me. For instance, he told me in an email last week that my being hurt and angry about his drinking is what triggered his stress and caused him to drink. (Nevermind the fact that we didn't know each other during the first 7 or so years of his alcoholism.) And he told me that he got sober (without AA or anything) after we broke up because he was so relieved to not have the stress of our relationship in his life.

Then yesterday, I learned that he drinking, bingeing, again. In fact, he went to his doctor for bloodwork and new pysch meds this past week because he has been so depressed during the two months we've been apart. So, in all likelihood, your girlfriend is not staying sober.

I know the "sick and panicked" feeling you mention. It's because we know...we know in our guts...they are going to drink again. And there's nothing we can do.

I wish I could give you some advice about getting over the relationship, but I'm two months out and cried myself to sleep last night. So I have no advice! Except, hang in there.

kevbo

I can sort of give advice, but have a hard time taking the same advice. I think because you are still communicating with your ex, you are most likely prolonging your pain and grieving from the relationship being over. If you keep getting updates and talking, then it's keeping the situation in the forefront of your mind and life.

I think we're addicted to them in some way. Eventually I hope to have the strength to cut off thinking about my ex, or looking at old things of ours, or considering emailing her. I used to have my own addictions, and I see this as feeling very similar. Even when I was with my ex, I couldn't stay away. Things would get really bad, but I still wanted to come back for the feeling of being close with her.

I knew it wasn't healthy, but kept doing it anyways. It's like you're in a constant state of either withdrawal and anxiety, or when things are peaceful you feel this overwhelming feeling of calm, but it's still kind of a disturbing feeling.

I don't know if I'm alone in feeling this way, but that's how it was for me.

changeschoices

I'm right there with you. When my AX wasn't drinking and things were great, I still felt anxiety...waiting for the other shoe to drop. Of course, when you've been through so much bad stuff, the good stuff seems SO good...but you know you're doomed anyway. There is no true happiness.

My AX was wonderful in many ways, which is why I stayed for so long. And he was terrible in other ways, because of his addiction, and that's why I left. It's just not like dealing with a regular person, who you can take the good with the bad because the bad isn't so bad, just annoying.

I have to keep in touch with my AX a bit since he owes me money and I have to prod him to let me know when he's sending the next payment. Keeping in touch means sometimes having email contact with him that sets me back. So yes, keeping in touch with him is not good for me. When he's done paying me, I plan to block his email address and change my phone number. He still knows where I live, but he's not the type to come by in person.

I have met someone new that I like and would like to get to know better. It may not lead to anything, but it is nice to know that I feel interested in someone else. It makes me realize that there are other people out there, more stable people, that are interested in me and vice versa.

NYCDoglvr

Repeat after me: Feelings aren't facts. Sometimes it helps to realize that just because you feel guilty doesn't mean you've done anything wrong.

sadmabel

Hi,
I get the same feelings as you do and the same dysfunctional cycle repeats in my house on an almost daily basis. The addict in my case is my son. It often strikes me a statement I often made when I was just a teenager. I said I could never live with an addict. My parents were not addicts so I never had to live with one growing up but a had a couple uncles who were addicts. They didn't come to our house drunk, didn't hurt me or affect my daily life in any way growing up but somehow I knew at a young age that I could never deal with it. Well, now I am almost 42 years old with a 20 year old addict living in my home and I was right. I cannot live with an addict. He is living in my house but my living has virtually stopped. My life is consumed with arguments, anxiety, crying, dashed hopes, let downs and a constant obsession with trying to fix him. People I have talked to tell me not to get emotional with him, dont yell at him, give him love. I try so hard but as you know it is very hard. When you spend 3 hours talking to the sober person, being understanding, thinking you are finally getting through to them and them reassuring you that you are only to have them high(or drunk in your case) screaming at you 5 hours or a day later it is easy to lose it. Makes me feel cheated, lied to, betrayed, like a damn fool. Then we repeat the cycle.
I cant tell you what to do or how to feel but I can tell you that if this person was not my son or my daughter they would not be in my life. I know in my heart that my son shouldn't be here now and eventually he won't. I have to find the strength to stop this. It is very hard when for the first 18 years you are told you are responsible for someone to turn that off and leave them in their greatest time of need. But I am realizing now that I am hurting him by trying to fix him.
Good luck

kevbo

The more I read online about people that are out of these relationships, the more I realize how damaging these relationships are. I'm lost right now. Why would I possibly want to be with someone like her, but I still feel this wish that we could be together and it be good. Or I feel like if she gets better, then is happy without me, then I feel left out, or let down, or unloved.

These are horrible feelings. My self esteem is lower than I can remember. Not since I was a teenager have I felt so lost or sad.

I really need help to get through this. I'm going to talk with my therapist more. I hope she has had enough experience with dealing with people who have left addicts/alcoholics. This is really tough for me. It's really difficult to let go.

kevbo

And then I worry that something might happen to her. And I wonder if I did enough. She doesn't live close to her family, so they are unaware of her issues. I'm really confused with knowing what to do.

sadmabel

You seem to care about this woman alot but she is not your responsibility. My husband has a friend, really nice guy like you. He had 2 kids with his ex and has custody. Anyway he married another girl who he truly loved. She was an addict. He didn't realize the extent of her pill use until after they were married. He tried everything to help her for 3 years. Detoxing her at home, taking her to doctors, therapists, letting her quit work to get help. He was sooo supportive and loving and understanding. After 3 years or so he found out she never stopped, was having an affair with her dealer for pills, robbed him blind and then took half of everything left when he finally divorced her. This girl was a beautiful, sweet, lying, manipulative, addict. Today, he is dealing with his teenage sons drug use. They learned their tricks from their step mom and were often ignored so he could tend to HER needs. You have already walked away, dont turn back. You already see that you are an enabler. Believe me as a fellow enabler, this relationship will pull you right down the drain with her

changeschoices

Ending my two-year relationship with my AX has been ten times worse than ending my 15-year marriage (not to an alcoholic). So that says a lot about what life with an alcoholic can do to you.

It's unlikely that your GF is going to stop drinking without serious help. If she could, she would have already. I can say almost 100% that the reason she pulled away from you for good is because she knew you were at the end of your rope with her drinking, and she wants to keep drinking. It's not that she doesn't love you; it's that she's an addict.

Yes, your self-esteem is low. You have essentially been dumped so she can pursue her other lover: alcohol. You have been cheated and betrayed. Realistically, if she gets into another relationship without being sober for a long time, the relationship will fail because addicts are not capable of having good relationships. It's clear that you loved each other very much; if she was capable of having a good relationship, it would have been with you, the person she loves. But she cannot do it. Don't feel hurt if she gets involved with someone new. It won't work out.

Like all of us on this board, you sound like a giver, a compassionate person, a person with a good conscience. You got angry at your ex; this does not mean you are a bad person. On the contrary, it means you are a person with good values and a solid grasp on reality. Addiction is crazy, and healthy people respond to addiction with anger, confusion, and sadness. That is an appropriate response.

It's good you have a therapist. I do too. Can't wait to see her this week; therapy helps so much.