anwa

My abf is working on getting help to recover. He's had his first appointment with a doctor and just got the medicine that makes you vomit when you drink alcohol. He also just got an antidepressant and was referred to a therapist. It's been a struggle to get him to this point but it has happened and I'm hoping it'll continue. He was resistant up until about a week ago when he started hallucinating and having chest pains (alcohol withdraw and panic attacks). I threatened to leave if he didn't get help to quit drinking and I WILL leave if things don't get better in a relatively short amount of time (I know it takes awhile to get better).

So I've been doing a lot of reading on codependency and am slowly realizing he's a total codependent person. My friend says I'm codependent too but after reading the sticky with the list of things codependents do/feel I don't feel I'm a "full" codependent--that I just have some qualities.

So I guess my question right now is, is it "bad" to have some points on the checklist but not all or even a majority? And if it means I'm technically a codependent? And, also, isn't it a GOOD thing to care about other people? So I guess I don't understand at what level is it "bad" to care about others, especially in a relationship? And, isn't it a good thing to do things for other people? I don't know, maybe I just don't understand it fully yet.

Any help answering these questions or pointing me in the right direction would be great.

LaTeeDa

I had to laugh at this because the first time I read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, all I could see was how codependent my AH was. It's a lot easier to see things in other people than it is to see them in yourself.

In answer to your questions, yes it is good to care about people and yes it is good to do things for people. Those are traits. Codependence is about behaviors, not traits. So, if you push your caring and doing onto others because you believe you know what's best for them better than they do, that's behaving in a codependent way.

L

anwa

That's funny.. When I saw "Checks in on people" I laughed because my abf says "I'm just checking in on you" a lot when he calls (we're long distance right now). I've never had someone say that before. He calls himself an altruist. (lol)

I tell him he can always call me whenever if he needs to talk or there's an emergency or something. I worry about him but I can't say it runs my life. I worry more about myself than I do others. I don't exactly push help on others but I do encourage them to seek me out if needed. I don't want to be a bad friend, you know? I seek my friends out when I need them and I want to be there for them in return. I feel that's being a good friend.

Though, this morning when talking about his panic attack last night, I started in on taking the medication and going to therapy and he said, "I don't need to be convinced to take the medicine and go to therapy" meaning he was going to go through with it and stop talking about it. So was I being codependent there? I just felt I was being persistent on my stance to get help and do what the doctors tell you to do.

LaTeeDa

In my opinion, yes. He is an adult, right? It is his responsibility to get help and do what the doctors tell him to do.

L

anwa

Okay, then I'll have to stop doing that. I guess I need to learn how to be supportive without going overboard... hmph, tough stuff.

LaTeeDa

Wouldn't hurt to pick up a copy of the book I mentioned above. (And try to look at it as it applies to you, not him )

L

dollydo

Sorry dear, you are codependent.

His recovery is up to him, you don't need to coach him.

Yes, I would suggest that you read Codependent No More.

As for the medicine, my cousin was on it, it made him vomit when he drank...so he solved
that problem, he stopped taking the meds and continued to drink. Nothing helps until the
alcoholic is ready to quit and embrace a strong recovery program for life. He will be
an alcoholic for life, there is no cure for his disease, it is just a matter of whether he is
sober and working a recovery program.

anwa

I'm aware of the recovery process and all that, thanks.

lala27

This thread has helped me a bit, I do have a question though... Do you think it is possible to overcome these codependant actions while you are still living with your A? If so, how do you do it when their decisions affect your life?

I have worked hard to stop some actions, but am not perfect. I realize his recovery and health is in his own hands and he needs to be the one to make the decision. But when I see him make decisions that I know will affect me tomorrow or worse will just blow up in our faces one day I can't help but say something. And I am really trying hard not to say "told ya so".

Hopeworks

It is complicated the relationships we form with A's and how best to help them. You have fallen down the hole of family alcoholism and everything here is topsy turvy and decidely not normal in any sense of the word!

My therapist says that I have a "messiah complex" and while I really want to help people especially my A sometimes we help too much. It is like pulling the butterfly out of the cocoon we cause their death as the struggle to find their way out is how they strengthen their fragile wings.

Finding a balance and the "normal" with an A is almost impossible while in the maelstrom of the insanity of the disease.

Are you in alanon? Have a counselor? These were lifesavers for me and helped find my way from insane codependency to healthy support and boundary setting in the end.

anwa

I have a therapist. I can't do support groups in person as I'm way too shy and anxious about such situations. That's why I'm here... I'm trying to figure stuff out without going to meetings.

Hopeworks

Good for you! Books! Read read and read some more. Keep posting and read some more! It will help you so much find your own path.