slm19

Hello everyone

I've been reading this forum for awhile, it started because I'm the daughter of an alcoholic and really just wanted to find someone to relate to, but now I'm faced with a very different problem.

The guy I'm dating is a recovering addict (opiates) and is currently 80 days clean, or something like that. He went through detox, and has been making a lot of changes in his life and honestly has been doing very well. But I guess there's just something inside of me that reminds me not to let my guard too much because he's VERY recently clean. I have never judged him for his addiction, and if I'm honest, I think he's one of the bravest/strongest people I know for admitting he had a problem and getting himself help for it, and it makes me feel bad for distrusting him having that thought in the back of my mind that he's going to relapse ..

I think the fact that I grew up with an alcoholic makes me realize how quickly things can spiral out of control, and how fast things change.

I'm normally very supportive of him, but I'm also having trouble overstepping my boundaries. I find myself having to bite my tongue a lot of the time. He talks pretty often about how much he misses using, or a certain song will come on the radio and he'll tell me a story about how he used to nod out to it. He also wants to start smoking weed again which worries me as well, because I'm scared he'll just fall back into the same habits. He's still friends with many of the people who still use, and hangs out with them pretty frequently.

Now he's on this kick about wanting to go to a concert that basically consists of everyone in attendance getting really high and strung out for a couple of days, and he really wishes he could go and get high.

I can feel myself becoming more distant from him the more often he says things like that, and I'm putting a wall up. I know telling him not to do something won't help anything .. so is there a way I can approach this that's supportive but gets my point across? I feel bad about sitting him down and saying that if he starts falling back into this lifestyle that I can't stay with him, because I watched my mom go through that I don't want that for myself.

It sounds kind of selfish reading this back to myself, but that's the way that I feel :'(

cc88

Thats your survival instinct telling you what you know deep down. hes not in recovery and he will relapse. I cant figure out why after seeing what addiction does to a family you would get involved with someone with even 5 years clean.

You're supposed to be selfish. and worry about your own well being. Hes a big boy he can worry about himself and thats what addicts do best.


If he wants to smoke weed and wants to be where drugs are being used, i guarantee you he is going to use again.

BE selfish. for your own sake. Run

Pock89

That doesn't sounds selfish at all.
I can identify with what you're saying. I also have fear of my newly clean/sober boyfriend relapsing. I tend to not bring it up to him because I don't want to sound like I don't have faith in him that he'll stay clean but...sometimes that's how I feel.
As long as you know your boundaries, and as long as your boyfriend knows what your boundaries are, then that's what is most important.
If your boundary is that if he relapses, you'll be gone, then it is what it is. He needs to know that too.
If he knows this, then you shouldn't have to have any big discussion about it because he'll know what you expect from him, and what will happen if he doesn't stay clean.

Try not to worry about the "what ifs". I was always SO worried about what MIGHT happen, or what if this happened, or what if that happened. Live one day at a time.
Unfortunately, with addicts, you never really know what tomorrow will bring so focus on you. Don't expect him to fail, and expect him to relapse, because that's not fair to him. But just be emotionally prepared to leave if he relapses, if that's what your boundary is.

outtolunch

Weed and/or alcohol tend to be the gateway back into addiction.

He sounds like he's seriously struggling and not ready to change his life to stay sober. Not a darn thing you can say or do to keep him sober or cause him to relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are. Recovery is completely an inside job.


How long have you been dating this guy?

slm19

Thank you for all of your replies. You're all basically telling me what I already knew. I'm kind of at a loss right now because I'm not sure how to talk to him and say "I'm really sorry but I don't think we should be together anymore because I know you're going to start using again" I don't want to leave him without a reason but I feel like saying that is just a huge slap in the face.

We have been together for 6 months, but I didn't know the extent of his addiction until he went to detox (I was away at school). So, I guess it's not a relationship that I've invested a lot of time into, but it doesn't make it any easier that I can't help him, even though I know trying to help someone who doesn't want it is useless.

doggonecarl

You don't have to come out and say it like that, if you don't want to. First you can establish a boundary, such as, "I can't be in a relationship with an active drug addict. Period."

You've established the line; if he crosses it by using, you're out. That's not a slap in the face as he knew the consequences of using.

Boundaries established MUST be kept. Sounds to me you are wise enough not to get too involved with where this seems to be headed and you know what's best for yourself. Don't get too caught up in his feelings...once he's using, he won't care one whit about yours.

Good luck and welcome.

EnglishGarden

Welcome to SR.

One of the signs of significant codependency is that we feel guilty when we take care of ourselves. We feel guilty when we have reasonable expectations in a relationship. And we feel guilty if we have to speak the truth to someone who may not like what we have to say.

Your abf is romanticizing his using days, he is drug-seeking (weed is a mind-altering substance), and he is refusing to avoid the people (other druggies), the places (the partying concert), and the things(DRUGS) which trigger his using. He is not in serious recovery and my best guess is that he is high right now. Right under your nose. It is very hard to spot opiate abuse.

So, pick up a copy of "Codependent No More" so you can learn and practice good self-care, so you can defend your own values in a relationship, and so you can feel not a particle of guilt for choosing what you allow into your life and what you do not.

Codependency is the loss of self in order to win another person's approval. We here are recovering from our betrayal of ourselves by minimizing how it feels to be lied to, exploited, and demeaned by drug addicts and alcoholics. We actually find ways to justify such treatment by telling ourselves we are sticking by a sick person who needs us.

It is very good that you posted. Addicts are con artists, and yours is as well, believe me. 80 days and still an addict brain there. So please do take care. You are at risk.

Ilovemysonjj

English Garden, what an insightful and spot on post for ME! I really struggled all day today in my issue with the missing AS. This post reinforces that my guilt is because I am sticking to my boundaries and I feel GUILTY for doing so

zoso77

slm19,

The biggest fear I had to live with when I was with my AXGF was her picking up or OD'ing. And I lived with that every day. It led me to some rather unhealthy and rather codependent behavior. So, I empathize. But, for me, it's no way to live. That was the biggest lesson I got from my experiences with her. There is no way in hell I will ever date an alcoholic or an addict. It would take too much of my soul. It would be unhealthy for me.

I can't do you how you should handle things. It's not my place. There are addicts in recovery on this board, and their stories are must-read. Learn as much as you can so that you can make a mature, educated decision. Pray, pray, pray, and pray some more. Most importantly, though, understand that your BF has to recover on his own course and his own time. Trying to control his recovery will end in disaster.

Please, be safe.

ZoSo

Titsgirl

I could have written your first post. I think He is using or will. they are very good liars. Found out the hard way.