Advice please
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: liverpool
Posts: 3
Advice please
Hello everyone, new to the forum so thought i would tell a little bit about whats going on in my life.
For the last 3 years I have been involved with a woman who is severly alchohol dependant. She wasnt always this way, when we met she was a bright,funny,intelligent and beautiful single mother of two who had worked hard to give her girls (21 and 23 yr old) the best possible start in life.
For the first year I didnt see the drinking as i worked away from home alot, the weekends I was at home i just chalked up the drinking to blowing off steam at the weekend like lots of people do. within 6 months of us meeting she lost her job due to illness but luckily I had a great job and I could afford to support us both, I would pay the mortgage and other bills and put her £300 a week in her account. Trouble is she had nothin to do with her time and with money to spend she started drinking more and more. Another 14 months down the line I too lost my job to the recesion but I tried to put a positive spin on things and thought that at least we would get to spend more time together but because we were together more I noticed the drinking more. AFter a cpl of months i found another job but again i was away from home and thats when things started to get bad, she became paranoid in the extreme and was convinced that i was drinking and whoring my nights away without her (even though we would talk on the phone for 2 or 3 hours every night) even during the day i would spend ages (while i shoulda been working) trying to calm her down and reason with her.
Eventualy my contract was up and once again i was back at home and this is where were at now. Her drinking is outta control and she is drinking in excess of a ltr of vodka a day. She admits she has a problem and is registred with ashley house/ cri, she goes to a weekly group meeting and is on the waiting list for an in patient detox but it's not just the drinking that worries me it's her state of mind. She is nasty, abusive, aggressive and violent (punches,kicks and bites are a daily occurence and on a couple of occaisions she has half heartedly attacked me with a knife) she is paranoid and insecure, she's convinced i'm cheating on her (she's even accused me of sleeping with her daughters) even though she's the one who keeps getting txts and calls from other men and even men knocking on the door at gone 1am wanting to stop the night!!.
She sobs her eyes out daily and talks about wanting to die, wanting to be with her mum and dad, wanting to kill herself. She keeps saying her dad (dead 15 yrs) has told her where he is and she's gotta meet him so they can leave together and now out of nowhere she's developed this obsession with her weight, she's only 5' 7" and a size 8/10 yet she's convinced she's fat so she's not eating, she grabs at herself trying to grab fat thats just not there and says things like "it's gotta come off, i'll get it off myself if i have to" to be honest i'm terrified one day i'm gonna find her cutting away at herself in a drunken moment of madness.
I dont really know what i'm looking for from posting this, i've heard the line "leave her, forget her, get on with your life" from EVERYONE including her own daughters but it's not that easy cus i still love her or should i say i'm still in love with the real her and i know she's still in there. If i thought for one second that my leaving would mean she got better i would pack my bags right now.
I have massively scaled things down here for this thread, there is much I have not told but if readers would like to know more then I am happy to share my thoughts and experiences further with people
I guess i'm hoping to hear back from people who have been here and who have stuck with it and it has worked out well for them in the end.
I just want the woman i fell in love with back not the monster she has become.
thanks for reading, any thoughts or advice appreciated
Steve
The first thing in the human personality that dissolves in alcohol is dignity.
For the last 3 years I have been involved with a woman who is severly alchohol dependant. She wasnt always this way, when we met she was a bright,funny,intelligent and beautiful single mother of two who had worked hard to give her girls (21 and 23 yr old) the best possible start in life.
For the first year I didnt see the drinking as i worked away from home alot, the weekends I was at home i just chalked up the drinking to blowing off steam at the weekend like lots of people do. within 6 months of us meeting she lost her job due to illness but luckily I had a great job and I could afford to support us both, I would pay the mortgage and other bills and put her £300 a week in her account. Trouble is she had nothin to do with her time and with money to spend she started drinking more and more. Another 14 months down the line I too lost my job to the recesion but I tried to put a positive spin on things and thought that at least we would get to spend more time together but because we were together more I noticed the drinking more. AFter a cpl of months i found another job but again i was away from home and thats when things started to get bad, she became paranoid in the extreme and was convinced that i was drinking and whoring my nights away without her (even though we would talk on the phone for 2 or 3 hours every night) even during the day i would spend ages (while i shoulda been working) trying to calm her down and reason with her.
Eventualy my contract was up and once again i was back at home and this is where were at now. Her drinking is outta control and she is drinking in excess of a ltr of vodka a day. She admits she has a problem and is registred with ashley house/ cri, she goes to a weekly group meeting and is on the waiting list for an in patient detox but it's not just the drinking that worries me it's her state of mind. She is nasty, abusive, aggressive and violent (punches,kicks and bites are a daily occurence and on a couple of occaisions she has half heartedly attacked me with a knife) she is paranoid and insecure, she's convinced i'm cheating on her (she's even accused me of sleeping with her daughters) even though she's the one who keeps getting txts and calls from other men and even men knocking on the door at gone 1am wanting to stop the night!!.
She sobs her eyes out daily and talks about wanting to die, wanting to be with her mum and dad, wanting to kill herself. She keeps saying her dad (dead 15 yrs) has told her where he is and she's gotta meet him so they can leave together and now out of nowhere she's developed this obsession with her weight, she's only 5' 7" and a size 8/10 yet she's convinced she's fat so she's not eating, she grabs at herself trying to grab fat thats just not there and says things like "it's gotta come off, i'll get it off myself if i have to" to be honest i'm terrified one day i'm gonna find her cutting away at herself in a drunken moment of madness.
I dont really know what i'm looking for from posting this, i've heard the line "leave her, forget her, get on with your life" from EVERYONE including her own daughters but it's not that easy cus i still love her or should i say i'm still in love with the real her and i know she's still in there. If i thought for one second that my leaving would mean she got better i would pack my bags right now.
I have massively scaled things down here for this thread, there is much I have not told but if readers would like to know more then I am happy to share my thoughts and experiences further with people
I guess i'm hoping to hear back from people who have been here and who have stuck with it and it has worked out well for them in the end.
I just want the woman i fell in love with back not the monster she has become.
thanks for reading, any thoughts or advice appreciated
Steve
The first thing in the human personality that dissolves in alcohol is dignity.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Better than where I was
Posts: 267
Sorry you have to be here, but be glad you found this site. There's a lot of knowledge here. Alcohol will seriously F@#$ up your mind when you drink that much. My AW gets crazy like that on her benders, usually every weekend. Learn as much as you can about the disease, it is scary but insightful. "Under the Influence is a great book, there are excerpts from it on this site in the Alcoholism sections stickies. Alanon has helped me a lot with my sanity & I also learned a lot of things I was doing very wrong all with very good intentions.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Unfortunately men like you are bad for women alcoholics. The hard-wired impulse of a man to rescue a woman helps keep female alcoholics drunk and progressing in their disease because they know there's a man with a safety net hovering beneath them.
You may think you are staying for her good and not for yours, but very often in counseling it is revealed that a man's ego is involved in his need to be protector and shining knight to a sick woman, and it is also revealed that had he stepped away from that role, the female alcoholic might have hit an earlier bottom and sought professional help.
There is much information on this site and in Al-Anon literature and in books on alcoholism which can help you name your enabling behaviors.
Once you stop enabling, though, be prepared for her to turn on you, as you will no longer be useful to her addiction and she may see you as the enemy. And given that she is violent and delusional and potentially vengeful, I think getting some counseling for yourself--immediately-- about this relationship and how to make changes within it would be a good idea, for your own protection.
Her behavior is so violent and extreme, it seems very possible she has an underlying psychological disorder. (Borderline Personality Disorder comes to mind). Whatever co-occurring disorder she may have could be discovered if she got professional help. But while you are there, determined to, as you say, stick with it, thus contributing to her ability to continue drinking, she has little reason to stop doing what she's doing.
You may love her, but unfortunately, I think, it is very unlikely the feeling is mutual. Someone very sick, as she is, cannot relate nor love in any meaningful way.
I hope you will seek professional help very soon.
You may think you are staying for her good and not for yours, but very often in counseling it is revealed that a man's ego is involved in his need to be protector and shining knight to a sick woman, and it is also revealed that had he stepped away from that role, the female alcoholic might have hit an earlier bottom and sought professional help.
There is much information on this site and in Al-Anon literature and in books on alcoholism which can help you name your enabling behaviors.
Once you stop enabling, though, be prepared for her to turn on you, as you will no longer be useful to her addiction and she may see you as the enemy. And given that she is violent and delusional and potentially vengeful, I think getting some counseling for yourself--immediately-- about this relationship and how to make changes within it would be a good idea, for your own protection.
Her behavior is so violent and extreme, it seems very possible she has an underlying psychological disorder. (Borderline Personality Disorder comes to mind). Whatever co-occurring disorder she may have could be discovered if she got professional help. But while you are there, determined to, as you say, stick with it, thus contributing to her ability to continue drinking, she has little reason to stop doing what she's doing.
You may love her, but unfortunately, I think, it is very unlikely the feeling is mutual. Someone very sick, as she is, cannot relate nor love in any meaningful way.
I hope you will seek professional help very soon.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by steve1973 
If i thought for one second that my leaving would mean she got better i would pack my bags right now.
You stated this above, and I had to comment on it, because I thought the same thing at first in my relationship...and really, its magical thinking and "future tripping" on your part to think she can't make it without you. She made it before you, right? Thinking we are the salvation and the road to redemption actually undermines her own abilities to take care of herself and do what's right for her life and her children.
I read a good book titled "No More Letting Go" by Debra Jay. Maybe this book can help you find the path you are seeking with your wife.
Take good care, this is a long and bumpy road, full of potholes.
~T
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
Unfortunately men like you are bad for women alcoholics. The hard-wired impulse of a man to rescue a woman helps keep female alcoholics drunk and progressing in their disease because they know there's a man with a safety net hovering beneath them.
Steve....I truly understand where you are coming from but the folks here at SR will give it to you straight....even if it isn't what we want to hear.
Tuffgirl is right and I am getting another book to read (No More Letting Go)
We all make our own decisions that each of us can live with. I've made mine and will live with it but I am not so closed minded that I reject entirely what others are saying.
Steve, I wish you well.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
This story has me in tears, I am beside myself reading about your agony.
There a two things I want to share with you.
1) No one, not you, not me, not your wife, no one, deserves or should put up with being , hit, kicked, bitten, threatened, verbally , emotionally , or physically abused. Just because you are a man, does not mean that your emotional, physical, mental, and physical health is not grave danger. Please , think about your own health and safety, this will eat you up and spit you out, I became a person, as a partner to a male A, who I did not recognize, I was aggressive, non compassionate with myself or others, my days were filled with dodging bullets and my personal health , in all aspects, was in great decline. If it were me, and I don't mean to hurt you, I would not want to be in the same room with this monster.
Secondly, if you continue to enable your wife, it is very possible that she will be hurt, hurt someone else, or even die from her current life choices, and you do not to need to go down with her. You are both very sick right now, you don't need to be. She, alone is responsible for her choices, you can not change her mind, you can not help her, she can only help herself.
It sounds like any effort she is making right now, is just that, an effort. You are providing her with the warm fuzzy home and relationship that she needs, that her addictive self needs, to keep on doing what she is doing. At your expense, she is taking you out , your health and mental stability is on shaky ground.
Everything you do to make yourself healthy, is a sign to addicted self, that the party is over, and she will come at you until you tell her no more.
Please put yourself first, for both of you. You are the only sane person in that relationship. You are in my thoughts and in my prayers, please get yourself to safety.
One more thing I wanted to say, about the accusing of an affair, often times, from my experience, the A will accuse you of doing things that they are actually doing. Keep that in mind, everything that comes out of her mouth is a lie or a manipulation.
love to you Katie
There a two things I want to share with you.
1) No one, not you, not me, not your wife, no one, deserves or should put up with being , hit, kicked, bitten, threatened, verbally , emotionally , or physically abused. Just because you are a man, does not mean that your emotional, physical, mental, and physical health is not grave danger. Please , think about your own health and safety, this will eat you up and spit you out, I became a person, as a partner to a male A, who I did not recognize, I was aggressive, non compassionate with myself or others, my days were filled with dodging bullets and my personal health , in all aspects, was in great decline. If it were me, and I don't mean to hurt you, I would not want to be in the same room with this monster.
Secondly, if you continue to enable your wife, it is very possible that she will be hurt, hurt someone else, or even die from her current life choices, and you do not to need to go down with her. You are both very sick right now, you don't need to be. She, alone is responsible for her choices, you can not change her mind, you can not help her, she can only help herself.
It sounds like any effort she is making right now, is just that, an effort. You are providing her with the warm fuzzy home and relationship that she needs, that her addictive self needs, to keep on doing what she is doing. At your expense, she is taking you out , your health and mental stability is on shaky ground.
Everything you do to make yourself healthy, is a sign to addicted self, that the party is over, and she will come at you until you tell her no more.
Please put yourself first, for both of you. You are the only sane person in that relationship. You are in my thoughts and in my prayers, please get yourself to safety.
One more thing I wanted to say, about the accusing of an affair, often times, from my experience, the A will accuse you of doing things that they are actually doing. Keep that in mind, everything that comes out of her mouth is a lie or a manipulation.
love to you Katie
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Debra Jay's books are excellent... No More Letting Go helped me enormously in my personal search for knowledge on how to shift my codependent relationship to one that was healthy and how to set compassionate but firm boundaries. She also has another title that is also excellent.... have to Goodle it for the name.
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