Are there any signs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: tennessee
Posts: 30
Are there any signs
Ok. I'm new to this all. If you read my posts yesterday I'm pining away for a girl who everyone says to run away from. Which I don't know I can do but will try to be a friend and hopefully not continue with ideas that we could be together. But just wondering. Are there any signs someone is wanting help or getting close to perhaps beginning a road to recovery. She's said she knows she needs to make changes but that may all be talk. What have you found?
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Signs of getting closer to recovery? - No longer drinking. Living an honest life (which would mean no longer cheating on her boyfriend), participating in some kind of recovery, her whining will dry up and she'll start acting like she wants recovery.
It is so hard to quit listening to the words, especially when the words are what we want to hear, but talk is cheap. Talk doesn't mean a thing. The actions are what matter. From my experience with my xah the more he talked about it the less he did about it. He finally shut up when he focused on recovery for real - which he did not do until he was homeless, jobless, penniless, wifeless, and far away from his children and there was nowhere else to go and nothing else to do but enter treatment.
It is so hard to quit listening to the words, especially when the words are what we want to hear, but talk is cheap. Talk doesn't mean a thing. The actions are what matter. From my experience with my xah the more he talked about it the less he did about it. He finally shut up when he focused on recovery for real - which he did not do until he was homeless, jobless, penniless, wifeless, and far away from his children and there was nowhere else to go and nothing else to do but enter treatment.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I have read your other threads but haven't had a chance to post much in the last week. First of all, welcome to SR! Secondly, I have to ask you quite pointedly, if you have questioned your own situation right now and how it may contribute to your interest in someone so blatantly unhealthy and emotionally unavailable? I ask this with kindness, not to be a jerk.
I am in the midst of divorce myself, and I understand being very vulnerable and susceptible to attention from the opposite sex, But is this the attention you think you deserve? Because ya know...there are healthy and stable non-addicted and unattached women out there in this big wide world who would be a much better match for you (and it would be a relationship that just works, not one that leaves you pining).
This woman is messing with your head. Probably not on purpose, but you are meeting a need of hers...what need is she meeting of yours?
Are you pining for a "person" or a "potential"?
Just some food for thought...
Take good care,
~T
I am in the midst of divorce myself, and I understand being very vulnerable and susceptible to attention from the opposite sex, But is this the attention you think you deserve? Because ya know...there are healthy and stable non-addicted and unattached women out there in this big wide world who would be a much better match for you (and it would be a relationship that just works, not one that leaves you pining).
This woman is messing with your head. Probably not on purpose, but you are meeting a need of hers...what need is she meeting of yours?
Are you pining for a "person" or a "potential"?
Just some food for thought...
Take good care,
~T
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
The signs are the person stops drinking and gets the help they need to stay sober. It takes an incredible about of willingness on the side of the alcoholic to stay sober one day at a time and this involves getting into a program and becoming active in it. There is only one person who can do it -- the alcoholic. There is nothing you can do or say that will have any effect on her drinking. Add to that alcoholism is a progressive disease.
I strongly suggest Al-anon, which has saved many people involved with an active alcoholic.
I strongly suggest Al-anon, which has saved many people involved with an active alcoholic.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: tennessee
Posts: 30
m1k3, it all confirms the sad truth and reality that I know... that there is nothing i can do to help someone like this. That short of them truly seeking change and recovery, the end is one of several things - hospital, early death, instiution, jail, etc... I don't know, it's just sad...
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Quebec
Posts: 38
When I left my alcoholic fiance he told me (a month later) that he was quitting drinking and so I tried to reconcile with him. Because I was living in another city at the time, I had no proof that he actually HAD quit; I just believed him because I figured losing me was his rock bottom. When he came to visit me for awhile and he didn't drink, I used that as my proof. Weeks later a friend of mine ran into a friend of his and she mentioned that my ex had quit drinking. The friend laughed, said that he didn't drink in the DAY anymore, and then also went on to say that that was a shame because he lost his daytime drinking buddy. There are so many spirals and webs and deceptions with this thing. It sucks because you lose the person you though he/she was; when it's going on words are just mirages i think. All the best to you.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Actually I was asking what are you getting out of the relationship but it's good to see you are picking up good info from the thread.
Yeah, it is tough and sad. But it's life and we all live with the choices we make.
Your friend,
Yeah, it is tough and sad. But it's life and we all live with the choices we make.
Your friend,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: tennessee
Posts: 30
m1k3, well, what was I getting out of it more like it - she's definitely pulled back in talking and texting. Hardly hear a peep from her. Sort of sad, the alcoholic had to stop things... probably because she is trying to make it work with her boyfriend or fiance or whatever he is (not even sure). Anyhow, for me it was she said all the right things, said I was "the one", said I was her best friend, said she loved me, seemed like we had a lot in common - which we probably do truthfully. Same age, grew up in same city, same high school, know similar people, etc. Of course I would have things in common with her. Anyhow, her story was compelling (she's never been married and is 44). I asked her why. She said that her parents are 80, they've been married 50+ years and best friends the whole time. She said she wants that kind of marriage and hasn't found it yet. Said she'd rather remain single than marry the wrong person. All sounded great. But now I know the reality is she's been with at least two abusers in the past several years. If she was really content being single, she wouldn't be with someone who mistreats women like that. So, I think far from it - she is so afraid of being alone that she is settling for anyone - even addicts, abusers, etc. So her self esteem must be totally shot. Anyhow, she said she went to AA at one point (not sure when or for how long), but that it didn't work for her. Anyhow, I guess to sum up - what I got out of it was thinking she could actually be the one for me. Until I found out how really messed up she is - and by then I had falled hard for her.
Now I'm struggling with do I simply pray for her and let her know I'm here if she needs a friend. Do I cut off all contact with her? What level of friendship or support can I provide her with and still try to focus on self after my divorce. Those kind of things. I really don't want to abandon her. I was sending her daily texts with either inspirational quotes, flowers, humorous sayings - that kind of thing. I'm debating doing that just to let her know I still care and am her friend and am concerned.
And obviously over time, that will probably subside too if she doesn't maintain any friendship with me from her side. Indeed,a relationship takes two.
I feel that the next time he abuses her, or she is extremely lonely or depressed, or hits some semblence of a rock bottom (whatever that might be for her) that she will call or reach out for a friend to listen to and be there.
I really don't think she has many friends at all she can count on. For instance, she recently had a job offer. She asked if she could use me as a reference. 45 years old and supposedly has had several good jobs through the years and had to use somebody she has been talking to for a couple of months as a reference... sad...
Anyhow, probably way to much TMI - but thanks for everyones advice and listening.
I'm debating calling her mother too... shes an only child and her parents are 80 and I think her mother could use the encouragement that she has a friend out there. What do you think? Should I?
Now I'm struggling with do I simply pray for her and let her know I'm here if she needs a friend. Do I cut off all contact with her? What level of friendship or support can I provide her with and still try to focus on self after my divorce. Those kind of things. I really don't want to abandon her. I was sending her daily texts with either inspirational quotes, flowers, humorous sayings - that kind of thing. I'm debating doing that just to let her know I still care and am her friend and am concerned.
And obviously over time, that will probably subside too if she doesn't maintain any friendship with me from her side. Indeed,a relationship takes two.
I feel that the next time he abuses her, or she is extremely lonely or depressed, or hits some semblence of a rock bottom (whatever that might be for her) that she will call or reach out for a friend to listen to and be there.
I really don't think she has many friends at all she can count on. For instance, she recently had a job offer. She asked if she could use me as a reference. 45 years old and supposedly has had several good jobs through the years and had to use somebody she has been talking to for a couple of months as a reference... sad...
Anyhow, probably way to much TMI - but thanks for everyones advice and listening.
I'm debating calling her mother too... shes an only child and her parents are 80 and I think her mother could use the encouragement that she has a friend out there. What do you think? Should I?
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
So, from your side of the relationship what are you getting out of it? To me friendships are mutually beneficial but I don't see anything mutual here. You are giving and she is taking.
Having separated from my AW and been away for over a year I can see where I was trying to hold onto something that wasn't even there, it was all in my head. Once I took off the rose colored glasses and looked at reality as it was I realized there was nothing in this relationship for me except frustration and pain. It was time for me to begin taking care of me.
Perhaps since you are newly divorced it might be a good time for you to focus on you?
Your friend,
Having separated from my AW and been away for over a year I can see where I was trying to hold onto something that wasn't even there, it was all in my head. Once I took off the rose colored glasses and looked at reality as it was I realized there was nothing in this relationship for me except frustration and pain. It was time for me to begin taking care of me.
Perhaps since you are newly divorced it might be a good time for you to focus on you?
Your friend,
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I am going to try to be gentle in my tough love here - but call her parents! Are you kidding me? She is 44 years old, not 4. Bad, bad idea, and certainly not your place at all. That's one great way to get her out of your life for good, though...
Secondly, you are making a lot of assumptions about this person in your post above. Its all very soft, sweet, and compassionate. I hate to be the cynic because I like to be as you are about people, but even I am rolling my eyes a bit here. She's an addict. They lie, cheat, exploit, and leave dead bodies in their wake, and you make her sound like some poor little soul who is sad and misunderstood. Have you read other threads here? The stickies at the top of our F&F front page? Any books on addictions?
My guess - based on what you describe - she is using you. She has no references because everyone would have horrid stories to tell about her. She's not married at 44 because she's not marriage material to anyone, given she is married instead to her DOC.
Move on. This is not the woman for you, unless you really want to come second in her life, always.
P.S. have you checked into her background? Done some searching through your state's public records? Verified anything she has told you? Could be a real eye-opener....
Secondly, you are making a lot of assumptions about this person in your post above. Its all very soft, sweet, and compassionate. I hate to be the cynic because I like to be as you are about people, but even I am rolling my eyes a bit here. She's an addict. They lie, cheat, exploit, and leave dead bodies in their wake, and you make her sound like some poor little soul who is sad and misunderstood. Have you read other threads here? The stickies at the top of our F&F front page? Any books on addictions?
My guess - based on what you describe - she is using you. She has no references because everyone would have horrid stories to tell about her. She's not married at 44 because she's not marriage material to anyone, given she is married instead to her DOC.
Move on. This is not the woman for you, unless you really want to come second in her life, always.
P.S. have you checked into her background? Done some searching through your state's public records? Verified anything she has told you? Could be a real eye-opener....
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I'm debating calling her mother too... shes an only child and her parents are 80 and I think her mother could use the encouragement that she has a friend out there. What do you think? Should I?
NO, NEVER, ABSOLUTELY NOT. What can 80 year old parents do for their 45 year old daughter, that she refuses to do for herself. They are old, let them live in peace. Seriously, upset elderly people, you want to kill them? And do you think they don't already know? Just as they cannot help, neither can you.
Scopikaz, saying this gently, but she is not your business or concern. You got yourself involved in a mess, and I truly am sorry for the hurt you are experiencing. If you want to meet new people, there are plenty of opportunities. You just need to do a little legwork. Find someone healthy and available
You asked if you should go" No contact", the answer is YES.
Put an and to the madness.
NO, NEVER, ABSOLUTELY NOT. What can 80 year old parents do for their 45 year old daughter, that she refuses to do for herself. They are old, let them live in peace. Seriously, upset elderly people, you want to kill them? And do you think they don't already know? Just as they cannot help, neither can you.
Scopikaz, saying this gently, but she is not your business or concern. You got yourself involved in a mess, and I truly am sorry for the hurt you are experiencing. If you want to meet new people, there are plenty of opportunities. You just need to do a little legwork. Find someone healthy and available
You asked if you should go" No contact", the answer is YES.
Put an and to the madness.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: tennessee
Posts: 30
I know you're all right
I've always believed God speaks to us thru other and he's speaking loud and clear here. Just pray for me to find strength to not make contact with her. I'll pray for her and if she needs a friend I'll be one. But I'm going to try to learn from this experience and move on. Thank you.
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