How do I help my brother?

Old 06-13-2012, 05:14 AM
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How do I help my brother?

If you check out my previous posts, you can see my concerns about my brother. Last night, he texted me and said he was going to contact his doctor today and ask to get admitted to detox. I told him I was proud of him and it is a positive step in his ongoing recovery. Of course, that was last night, today is a new day. The last time he went into detox, I had to run his business. I have my own business to run and a 92 and a 91 year old aunt and mother that I take care of. He didn't outright ask me to take care of his business but I knew he was suggesting it! I told him to take it minute by minute and at least get the Doctor on the phone today!

Anyway, he has never been to AA. How do you get someone to go?

I know the three Cs. I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it! Should I just take care of myself and my family and let him take care of himself?

What would you do?
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Old 06-13-2012, 05:16 AM
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"I know the three Cs. I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it! Should I just take care of myself and my family and let him take care of himself?"

I would do just that!
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Old 06-13-2012, 05:26 AM
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Hi Nancy Ellen,

Wow... you do have a lot on your plate.

I cannot possibly know all of the dynamics of your situation or your brother's level of commitment to sobriety but I do know that even if he is fully committed it is a hard road for most to make successfully.

You could twist yourself into a pretzel, run yourself ragged taking care of his responsibilities, your own and care for your aged relatives and he could relapse at any moment (if he actually makes it into authentic recovery)....

So my ES and H is that anything you agree to do to help him is very carefully designed in a formal recovery plan that has clear cut boundaries and benchmarks and agreements by him as to what he will be doing to initiate and complete his recovery plan.

He needs an evaluation by a treatment professional who will help design an individual plan... he may need inpatient or residential, outpatient, detox... and I do strongly recommend AA and the 12 step program (the whole enchilada not just meeting attendance but completing the steps with a GOOD sponsor).

Set boundaries for YOU... what you will do or not do and that you will immediately cease all helpful acts if he violates those boundaries.

And if you choose not to get involved in something that is not your problem or will create problems for you there is nothing wrong with that either.

Only you can decide what is best for YOU and if you want to help him anything.
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Old 06-13-2012, 06:07 AM
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Originally Posted by NancyEllen View Post
The last time he went into detox, I had to run his business. I have my own business to run and a 92 and a 91 year old aunt and mother that I take care of. He didn't outright ask me to take care of his business but I knew he was suggesting it! I told him to take it minute by minute and at least get the Doctor on the phone today!
I know that its real hard to watch someone take themselves down the tubes. I know because my 2 sisters and 2 brothers make it perfectly clear how they felt. They, and my parents, besides verbally telling me also stopped carrying me. They stopped bailing me out of every issue that my drinking put me in. In your case, it's this business, and unless I miss my guess a slew of other things. I can only imagine how hard it was to do for my family, but if they hadn't, I'd never have got serious about getting sober. Every time my family 'fixed' things right for me, they in effect, told me it was OK for me to do it again. I don't know what's right in your case, only in mine.

When anyone tries to stop doing something they have been doing for a long time they have to have a real valid reason to do it. For a drunk, they call it hitting bottom. No one can say what someone elses bottom is, because everyone is different. My family, chose to help me find it.

There's a saying in AA, "If you haven't lost everything you value in life...keep drinking...you will". When I lost everything that I was willing to lose, I seriously chose to quit.

Originally Posted by NancyEllen View Post
Anyway, he has never been to AA. How do you get someone to go?

I know the three Cs. I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it! Should I just take care of myself and my family and let him take care of himself?

What would you do?
You can't force someone to go to AA. If he's been to detox and if they're doing their job, then they've informed him of 12 step programs and all the other alternatives. About the only other thing you could do, is what my family did. They got all sorts of pamphlets and 'accidentally' left them lying around. I did pick them up and glance through them, although I wasn't happy about it, until my mom told me that she was getting some help for herself because of dad, and I KNEW he had a REAL problem.

But it's important that you be able to do all this safely. I was not the type of drunk that had to hit people to get a point across. Oh, I had a temper, I just didn't get physical with live objects, and my knuckles I broke hitting trees would prove it. YOU have to be safe. Both physically and emotionally. If you can help your brother hit bottom and do this, great. Otherwise, just tell him to take a hike until he's proven that he's serious about getting better.
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Old 06-13-2012, 07:34 AM
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I know the three Cs. I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it! Should I just take care of myself and my family and let him take care of himself?

Yes

What would you do? I'd let him take care of his own stuff.
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Old 06-13-2012, 07:44 AM
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it is possible to get someone to go to AA. however, the confidence can best be won by someone who has been in his shoes.
Information for Friends & Family

there are phone numbers in the link and i am sure that by calling the phone numbers you will be connected with a friend of Bill that will be more than willing to talk to your brother.
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Old 06-13-2012, 08:19 AM
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Thank you so much, tomsteve, katiekate, fredg, hopeworks and dollydo!! Every word that you type helps me move forward! And as a recovering alcoholic, that is my goal!!

You guys are awesome and once again, these forums have helped me!!
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