sweetteewalls

I am struggling so much. Here I am laying with my sick 4 yr old daughter while my separated AH is just doing whatever he pleases. He can just freaking walk out on me in every way....walk out on his responsibilities, walk out on us when we need him. I am so angry with him. He is so selfish and my kids and I are paying. Is this really Gods plan for me to suffer like this and struggle to get through everyday and cry once my kids fall asleep? How is it fair that there he sleeps in his motel room probably drinking w.his little enabling mistress! I am left, abandoned...I went to an Alanon meeting tonight and it just made me even more resentful of him. I cry every day like a baby while he has no cares...You can only push someone so far before they break!

Free108

I'm so sorry you're suffering like this. I know this feeling of abandonment. I've also been left to deal with looking after the family, the house, the dogs, the bills. My A is on a quest to find himself. lol. I have no idea how I'm going to pay the electric bill, let alone the mortgage. I've basically been panicking for 2 weeks. I've also dragged myself to Al-anon. The first time I just wanted to cry and didn't want to be there, but the second time I felt a great sense of peace. It was kind of miraculous and lasted a few hours. I'll definitely keep going. I know this isn't much help right now, and that the "right now" can be so terrible to get through, but try to breathe. I tell myself: just breathe, just sit here, you don't have to do anything else right now.
Sending you hugs. You're not alone.

sweetteewalls

Gotten barely any sleep cuz a sick 4 year old barely sleeps...SR keeps me sane, grounded. If I didn't have this outlet, I don't know what I would do...

chicory

This must be so hard for you Sweeteewalls. I remember raising three by myself. their dad wasn't an a,but simply a selfish person who was never there, so i got a divorce. figured if i was gonna do it alone, i was gonna be divorced.
my times alone with my kids were the best years of my life. hard, and often full of worry, but at least not full of fighting and yelling. instead, we had laughter and focused on things that mattered.
there is hope for good times sweetee. i dont remember right off if you are planning to divorce or not-it hurts - but which is worse, you know?

hope baby girl feels better soon. and you too

DefofLov

Sweete,

It really does hurt. It is awful to experience so much pain caused by someone's selfish alcoholism. But you will get through this. You have us and you have Al-Anon. You also have a HP to lean on.

Having a HP has always been a difficult concept for me. Especially when I'm suffering and in despair. It just didn't make sense to me that a higher being was somewhere watching me suffer. I changed my perspective. I now believe a HP was always with me...*helping* me get through. I was hurt, neglected, and abused...but I survived and I'm still here.

For me, I sometimes have to totally stop my self-pity and turn on the gratitude. Find the funny in life (something we talked about in my last F2F meeting) and be grateful for any and every thing you can be grateful for. Your children's smile, their laughter, a hot shower, warm cup of coffee. *I* am grateful your little daughter has you to look after her and baby her as she recovers from her illness. *I* an grateful you come here to let it out. *I* will send a little prayer for you.

Close your eyes and breathe. Pray. Keep posting. You are not a victim, you are a survivor. And you rock.



Love,

Lily

achingheart

I have read through some of the posts here and find myself COMPLETELY able to relate... is this really what God wanted me to endure? I love this man with all my heart and soul... given him everything... he promised me the world... my prince charming is an alcoholic... I am anti drinkin n druggin! Needless to say, we clash! When he is sober, he is my dream come true... when he is drinking... he will either be funny and kind or turn mean and nasty, taking off on "walks" or hanging out with his drinking buddies...I try to talk to him but am told that I have control issues and that he is a man and can and will drink a few beers whenever he wants! Every day... no matter what... he drinks... He has over drawn our account on a few occassions and I had to take his cards and destroy them... he gets mean if I refuse to go and buy him the beer and makes it hard to continue to say no... or he just takes off and goes wherever with whomever and gets it! I have told him over and over again that things have to change or he has to leave but then I give in to his promises to stop and to change, only to find myself feeling the way I do now... aching... I even asked him, "are we that hard for you to deal with that you must drink every day and night to tolerate me and our family?" He then accuses me of twisting and turning everything to suit me... I am even checking into natural supplements to help him to stop but doubt he will take them... he doesn't think that he has a problem... I DO! Help!

Saliena

aching --

I was the acholic who was abusive to her husband in everyway. Luckily we don't have children and I honestly have no idea why/how he stuck with me as long as he did. There are times that we were both physically and emotionally abusive to each other. I wish I could take back all the things I have said or did to him. But, I can not... I can not take away the pain I caused, I can not remove the affair I had, I can not change the person I am when I am drinking. I can not change the 4 years I spent with him in an abusive relationship.

What I can do ... was admit I have a problem. And, I can change me for myself. When I did that...everything changed. You can not change your husband. God knows I tried to get sober for people so many times, but, I could lose people, places and things and still go back to drinking. It wasn't until I lost my spirtual connection to myself and the Universe that I felt lost and alone like I was unable to stand being in my own skin.

Thank God for AA. I have gotten sober and have been that way for 6 months. I am so grateful for this time to restablish my relationship with myself, my HP, and my husband. But, I have also had to come to understand that while I have a recovery process to go through... so does my husband. He has lived with me for 5 years and has established his own patterns of picking up the pieces and putting our lives back together after I whirl-winded my way through in a drunken haze.

It is a learning process. I would say for yourself get around others that understand and can talk to you about it. Al-anon is a great place! Good luck!

Buffalo66

Im so sorry,
and
Man, have I been there...
you are not alone.
It is really bad when the kids are sick, or you are and A is out traipsing around.

The good note?
You are there for your kids. They will never forget that.
good mom

FireSprite

I agree with Buffalo, the silver lining here is that your kids WILL remember that you were a good mom. Mine does, she tells me all the time.

And I remember when she came down with Swine Flu during that outbreak & my never-sick, bouncy, bright girl was so sick for so many days that I was truly scared & AH was off god-knows-where while I prayed & cried & worried all alone. Then again when she had a relapse 2 weeks later. Then again 6 months later when I came down with viral pneumonia & my DD had to step up & take care of me. At 5 yrs old.

These are the kind of things that, even now when we're in a better place, I have a lot of anger & disgust over.

But my daughter reminds me ALL THE TIME that she loves me & that I'm a great mom & she shows it in so many, many little ways. I hope your little one is better today & showers you in smiles & laughter.

Buffalo66

My son is 7, and he told his therapist yesterday that he and I are a team. Therapist asked if daddy was on the team.
My son looked at me for permission to say it...
"No. He kind of just does what he wants to. "

My son also told me there yesterday that he wishes I could figure out a way to just not get so angry at daddy, because I cannot control him anyway.

I felt so conflicted. I felt weird thet my little boy was giving me proper advice about my emotions, and detachment, and I also felt like I am doing SOMEthing right...He is learning the right things. ANd Therapist feels that he is as well adjusted as he can be under the circum.

NYCDoglvr

Thank you for posting this. It's beautiful and inspirational

sweetteewalls

I am better this morning. I read a good book last night. I cried to sleep. I had to come to work today because I need a job to support my kids. Its not so admirable, but I got up and came to work even though I feel like falling apart. Thank you for all the support. SR has helped me through this rough time.

FireSprite

Oh, I disagree.

It is VERY admirable. Sometimes little things like *just* going to work, holding yourself together even though you feel shattered & exhausted & pretending everything at home is A-OK takes the greatest strength.

pixilation

I know it's cliched, but it does get better. It's been almost a year now since i moved out, and things have slowly been falling into place.

angrywife

It's not fair. My ex A is in Puerto Rico partying on the beach while i work 12 hour shifts to support OUR children. I really hate him for this.

sweetteewalls

I'm sitting in lobby waiting for therapist now after long day at work. I am taking care of me. I guess I know I am doing the right thing and in the long run, it will be for the best, but it hurts very much. Its so hard because we have kids to do "no contact". I wish I NEVER had to interact but on occasion its necessary. I hate feeling this way, I feel like an empty shell of a person. I feel like everything I believed in is no longer. I always believed if I did the right thing, supported my husband, God would bless me. I am just having a hard time realizing that what God wants for me and what I want for myself are 2 different things. The hardest thing for a codependent to do...is nothing. Sit back and do me and have to let everything else fall into place. I literally feel myself physically aching from sadness and anxiousness. Until I am better, I will continue meetings, self care, therapy and posting here...bare with me everyone.

EmmyG

Good for you dear You're not alone. I'm not many miles from you and I'm hanging by a thread, but still getting through every day and taking care of my babies. My husband is still drinking, 10 days straight now. I'm dealing with the pain of our marriage ending and my anger and anger that he's not here with the kids. We can do this. We'll get through this. Let's just keep getting through one day at a time...

sweetteewalls

We can do it Emmy...since we are not far we should get our kids together. My baby girl is 4. =) We just have to love ourselves enough!

LaTeeDa

I felt some resentment towards my XAH for the same things. He was responsibility-free and I was doing all the hard stuff. But, you know what? He was also missing out on his kids childhood. Their successes in school, their heartbreaks, their triumphs, their life lessons, and their growth. I got to see my children evolve from little kids to young adults. And what an amazing metamorphosis that is! I wouldn't give up one single minute of that for partying on the beach or sitting in a bar, would you?

L

angrywife

Definitely not.