jtjm

Hi all,

My boyfriend started a treatment centre a little over a week ago. We've been together for the past year now and have had a really strong relationship. Its been hard for me to deal with everything, however I know that this time is much more difficult for him and I just need advice on how to best support him.

Here's a little background info of our relationship..

We've been together for a year and have been through basically every possible storm that life could throw at us, and we've always gotten through everything and came out with a stronger, healthier relationship. My boyfriend has dealt with prescription abuse and alcoholism in the past. This addiction was from about six years ago. A few years back he attended AA, and has been relatively sober ever since. We never would drink together, and I never really saw him do any hard drugs. However, this past month when we were apart, he went on a big binge and ended up putting himself in the hospital. He was in a coma for about 12 days, his heart, and most other organs all failed, and it is a true miracle that he is alive. The week before the hospital incident happened, he had told me that he was planning on going to a treatment centre. We had been a part for about a month, because I chose to move home and live with my family for a while and really work on some personal issues that I was dealing with. I think he saw me working on myself and truly living such a healthy and positive lifestyle, and he wanted that change for himself too. His mom had always encouraged him to go to a treatment centre, but for years during his addiction period, was never open to it. So long story short, he was about to go into treatment, and then I think had a "one last night" sort of situation. He then ended up in the hospital for about 2 weeks and then immediately after discharge was placed into rehab. We talked a few times over the phone, and I had sent him a beautiful care package which he should be receiving today. He started off telling me that I've been so supportive and so helpful from everything during the hospital to the first few days in rehab. ( ps, we're also several provinces away, so long distance is making this even more difficult. I actually have no seen him in the past two months, however up until he was in the hospital, we spent everyday on skype, phone, email, etc. )

Then the bomb dropped on me. A few days ago he called and basically mentioned that the counsellers at this centre are encouraging him to focus on himself and telling him that he is not stable to be in a relationship. He was mentioning that he only has this one shot at rehab, and has spent put a lot of financial support into this program and really wants his head to be 100% focused on getting better. He was saying that its been extremely emotionally and physically draining for him since he's been there and he really just needs to focus on himself. He was saying how its not fair to me and how he isn't in a place to be in a relationship. He told me he loves me and just needs me to understand. And of course I do. I am actually proud of him, and happy that he is putting himself as a priority. I want the very best for him and I know that him focusing 100% while he's in rehab, will give him just that. Its difficult to be "broken up" however I truly feel that we are meant for eachother and I truly feel that we will be back together. In my opinion, we still are together.. Even without the "girlfriend" title.. I'm still his best friend. and I still love him more than anything else in the world, nothing will change that. I just need to know how I can best be there for him and best support him through everything. We are on opposite ends of the country as I had mentioned earlier.. I've sent him a care package because we broke up, and he should have recieved it today. He mentioned when we were on the phone that he probably wont be calling anymore until he's out, because he just really needs to focus on him while he's there. And I'm okay with that. I have written a short letter, just saying that I'm encouraging him and supporting him and of course loving him. I'm not sure if I should mail that off or not? I don't want to be a distraction, but I don't want him to feel alone either. I was sure in the letter, to be very short and sweet.

What sort of things can I be doing after his treatment to let him know I support him and care for him? What can I be doing now? He has about 2.5 weeks left in the centre. Any advice for anyone being on the other end of rehab and any tips for how to cope?

Thank you all in advance!

sugarbear1

This will sound harsh, but leave him alone, go to Al Anon, and focus on you.

The best support is to let him do this alone. It will make him a stronger person.

Hugs,

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!
make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you.

Rehab is teaching him skills for life. Teaching him to accept life on lifes terms without turning to drugs or alcohol.

Letting him know that you accept his decision to focus on his recovery will be a positive step for you both. Giving yourselves time to recover and become stronger individuals is a great gift of love.

Keep reading and posting. We care about you!

NYCDoglvr

Recovery is a solitary process and there is nothing you can say or do that will help him -- he must do that himself. Let him go and respect his wishes. This is a life and death disease.

Ligy

Jtjm...

I am in a similar situation as you. My boyfriend is currently in a long term treatment facility. I love him dearly. And have had to see how self destructive this disease can be. My only wish is that he can live a happy and fulfilling life in sobriety. Before he went into treatment I would encourage him to go to meetings. As I saw him take a turn for the worst, his family and I did an intervention, which turned out to be successful. He willingly went to treatment and he took it a step further on deciding to do long term. Together, we would call facilities inquiring thier amenties, structure of program, and most importantly if they accepted his insurance.

Before he left, I brought to his attention that maybe it would be a good idea if we took a break. Not break up, just space and time for him to focus on himself. He said if that was something I feel I needed to do then he would accept that, but it's not what he wanted. He said that our relationship was great. He said we get along, we share the same interests and goals, never argued about anything and the only issue in the relationship was his active drug use which he plans of taking care of. I couldn't agree more. Our only arguments (mainly one sided on my part) was when he would disappear for 2-3 days at a time. If I saw he was him high, I would verbalize my aggravation and told him it upset me to see him like that. And of he would always deny he was high.

Which brings me to my point, he is in treatment now. He sounds great and happier than ever. He calls me everyday for about 10 mins. It doesn't bother me. And actually it makes me so happy hear from him. I know he is focusing on himself. So am I. I'm doing things that I wasn't doing before such as getting reacquainted with old friends, making new ones, going to the gym and spending more time with my family. I'm spending him a care package this weekend. I'm thinking I should bring up the " let's take a break so u can focus more on yourself" conversation. I don't know how to though. And truthfully, it's not what I want. But maybe this will be good for the both of us. I'm trying to see the positive side, but I can't, honestly. I just know it's a conversation that has to happen. And I know that's what his counselor is going to tell him about us. But I'd rather beat them to the punch. Maybe it will hurt less that way. I'm also planning on going to Naranon meetings. So we'll see what happens...

Anyway, jtjm, just know you are not alone. And what is meant to be will always find it's way. That's what I keep telling myself

Ligy

Just realized this is a 2 year old post