TTBABP

Thanks to Tomsteve I am starting this new thread to get advice to get my self started. My concern is that I have plenty of friends - good friends, decent, kind people, who do not abuse alcohol but do have it readily available at parties, dinners and will partake of it regularly but not to excess. Can I get sober and stay that way while remaining friends with these people - esp as I am not really an everyday drinker but basically a party binger?

FredG

What effects your friendships is totally up to you. The real friends that I had when I entered sobriety understood what I was doing.

I most certainly did not go out with them to the local club to watch them drink. At least not for my first few years until I was more solidly intrenched in my sobriety, but they accepted this. Most would try to go places where alcohol wasn't readily available. I tried to return the favor by leaving these kind of things early so they could do their thing if they wanted.

Maintaining a friendship with these people should be easy, provided they're the type that want to help you get better and not the type that wants to play games and trick you into drinking.

KDL

Welcome.

I am interested in the responses you get for this question. I have been struggling with the same issue.

I have not found the answer. I have avoided face to face contact with most of these friends since December. I shared with them my issues with alcohol, and my need to go into recovery. Most of them responded supportively, and said that we will have to plan lunch, movie, shopping etc. But, the reality is, besides a lunch/ breakfast or two, this has not happened. They continue to plan activities- beach trips, girls weekends, cookouts etc. with alcohol. I do understand that there is no possible way they can, or probably ever will, understand my position.

It makes me really sad to lose these friends. I am starting to meet people at AA that I like, but 10-25 year friendships are hard to replace. I KNOW that we were not friends because of the drinking, but I can't do normal things yet- and wonder when or if I will be able to.

Jitterbugg

I have been avoiding all my friends since beginning recovery a year ago. They don't know that I was in rehab and quit drinking yet, but I don't plan on avoiding them forever. Once I have proven to myself that I can stay sober, I will reach out. I am not there yet, but I look forward to one day being able to hang out with them as a 'teetotaler'.

TTBABP

An additional part of this issue is that I know I having a drinking problem but my friends, including my significant other, do not seem to want to admit that I do. They are supportive people for the most part but can't seem to accept that I am flawed in this way.

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I think first of all, other people can't really understand addiction. So, if others say they don't think you're an alcoholic, I wouldn't pay much attention to it. You know yourself what the situation is. If you believe you're an alcholic, then you will find support here.

And, for me, I had to stay away from alcohol for quite some time, completely away. My sobriety was huge to me because I was very close to losing everything.

My advice is to look inward for the answer because you will know what is the right thing to do.

ScottFromWI

I have a very close group of "drinking" friends from a local brewpub. It's a crowd that generally gathers during the "happy hour" so not a tremendous amount of drinking goes on there - I usually even capped my drinking to one or two as even though I was drinking a lot at home I still feared the consequensces of drinking and driving..so I'd wait until I got home to start hitting it hard.

One of the first things I did when I decided to stop drinking was to tell this group that I had done so. Some were very surprised and a little taken aback, others said they had done the same thing in the past. I am sure some of them will probably not want to talk much anymore, that is their choice - but others are casual drinkers who are not alchoholics I would imagine. A couple of them work with me at a community garden where drinking never took place anyway, so i hope to remain friends with them as we have common interests not related to drinking.

Bottom line, be honest. If your lack of drinking makes them no longer want to be your friend, then that's their loss in my book.

awuh1

I would suggest complete honesty with your friends. If drinking was enough of a problem that you are determined to quit, and not go back to it, then say so. It allows you less wiggle room in the future (unless that’s what you are now attempting to create).

You will soon find out which friends find you more important than their alcohol use. This is good, because some “friends” can seek to get you to continue to drink (for selfish reasons typically). The friends that can accept your resolve to live without alcohol have your back. These are friends indeed.

DryScotsman

Personally I avoid all situations that involve alcohol and my remaining friends respect that. I cut off a good few friends that saw it as their right to either lecture or mock me about my previous drinking.

I have made it clear to everyone that I have no problem with them drinking in front of me and I will attend social gatherings if I feel strong enough to not be bothered. However I have also made it clear that if I become tempted or uncomfortable at a social event then I am straight off home.

My rules, my life, my choice.

tara8888

I second what others said about being honest with yourself.

Many of my friends, and my husband, don't realize how much of a problem my drinking has become. Some don't really think I have a problem. We get together, have a few drinks (most of them stop drinking an hour or so before we leave, I however am downing a new glass as I walk out the door, one for the road) and they usually think I'm pretty fun to be around. But they don't realize that I ALWAYS drink before I go out, too. I have a few drinks before meeting up so that I will get a good buzz while not seeming like I'm drinking a lot more than them. I also stay home with my kids so I get to suffer hangovers in the privacy of my home.

There are definitely people who can handle drinking responsibly. I am not one of them. I know this, have always known this, and sometimes I feel like some of my friends just don't get it. But they are still my friends. I'm not going to just cut off our friendship.

tara

TTBABP

Tara:

Are you on your way to quitting or still actively drinking at this time?

hypochondriac

Welcome TTBABP x

Personally I avoided all of those drinking situations early on, with the intention of going back to them later when I felt stronger. I had no intentions of dropping any of my friends. Like you none of my friends were really aware I had a problem, to them at the moment I am a bit of a 'party pooper' but they are getting used to me sober. Quite frankly though, if any of them persist in giving me a hard time or try and encourage me to drink I really would drop them...no one should try and get you to do something which is so bad for you, whether you are an alcoholic or not. It's yet to come up yet though

So yeah, basically you can be sober with these friends as long as you put your sobriety first and they don't interfere with it x

riggedgame

My 2 cents:

I think it is crucial, *very* early on, to make it clear to everyone you wish to spend time with in a situation where alcohol is present that you sober now. That this is real, that it is extremely important to you.

I say this, because I have been equivocal about it a few times with "drinking friends," and it is so, so, so easy to get caught up in the familiar current. It feels so good, all those familiar triggers and switches get flipped in your brain, and before you know it, you're telling yourself you'll just have 1 or 2 so you don't have to make a big deal out of it.

I've been very regularly surprised at how little people care whether or not I drink. I have always gone into these conversation expecting jaws to hit the floor, for people to look at me like I'm some bizarre and exotic alien. Honestly, nobody worth spending time with freaking cares if you drink or not. And anyone who gives you a hard time about it after you tell them it's important to you that you're sober? That's someone you are far better off not spending time with if you want to stay sober.

Again, just my 2 cents, and a great post and question. This is the only way that has worked for me.

CarolD

By the time I quit....my social circle consisted of....at best..excessive drinkers.
sooo...
when I declared I had joined AA...was now heading into a sober future
my apartment was a non drinking zone....

most recoiled in horror....drifted away ...shakeing their heads...
The 3 who stayed friends...no longer drank in my presence.

This gave me time to acquire new sober AA friends who shared my goals
.
Speaking the truth was vital for my recovery...

auden67

For me personally, part of my motivation for not drinking is being more present and enjoying my friends. In my 14 days of sobriety, I've got out several times to music shows and even a camping trip with my friends and did not drink. Only a small handfull ask about not drinking, and they don't press. I notice now how they do not drink to get drunk, and it's a reminder of my past behavioral patterns.

I let the love and enjoyment of my friends be one of the strongest motivating factors for not drinking, and one of the truly rewarding aspects of my sobriety. If you strongly value your friends, maybe they can serve to motivate you and increase the value of a sober life. Good luck to you, and great discussion!

lillyknitting

Read my new thread. I HAVE to stay away from wet places in order to maintain my sobriety and peace of mind. I go out loads socializing where alcohol is not the dominant factor. Eventually you will feel that pubs etc are a complete bore as you will realize are solely there for the booze, and not much else.

Casmasta

I feel similarly to auden..
Part of my motivation was to be more present.
I have friends that don't drink to get drunk, and I also have friends who do.
I have now become acutely aware of the window I have as a sober person in those situations.
I guess the fun part now is the ability to leave instead of just drinking more to catch up with those more drunk than I am.

pinkdog

Hi. I agree with Fred. When I went to an event, I would leave early when people started drinking. It was fine for me. I still leave early just because I don't like the change in atmosphere. We are all still friends though. It's fine.

pinkdog

Yes I don't go to the pubs. We have alot of neighborhood parties. I just go earlier in the day and visit. Then leave when more drinking begins.

Mark75

With only a couple of exceptions, all of my friends, family, wife, are normal drinkers. My relationship with them, for all intents and purposes, has not changed a bit.



The getting sober part? I was a daily drinker not a binger like you, so maybe it's different, I don't know... but at first I found parties kind of a drag and involved truck loads of self pity so I opted out of a few early on... But now, no big deal, I drink some fresca or diet coke and attend whatever event or party I want or am expected at...

I never really liked parties all that much, well, when I was younger I did, LOL,.... Now, I like to DO things, the activity, skiing, fishing, music, whatever, should be the focus, not the refreshments

Sure, my experience too... Just last weekend, I was asked when I can start drinking again by one of those who I knows my whole story.

I told only about 3-4 of my closest friends and family. The others just figure I quit drinking. And it's all good. A couple of these people who have parties or host dinners, whatever, regularly, now have an expanded selection of non-alcoholic beverages available... isn't that cool? Wow!!

But it's not for them to "accept" that I am "flawed" in this way... It's not up to them, and it's really none of their business... And they wouldn't understand anyway.

The only acceptance that needs to happen is my own.... And, huh, we are all "flawed", you know, in some way or another. It's the human condition.