scopikaz

Ok, I am recently divorced. First person I started communicating with - we talked allot. We shared our stories. She indicated she was in abusive relationship. At first I thought he was scam artist. He may be, but they've been living together (she supporting him) for a year. He has no job, no money from what I understand. Bottom line is, I come to find out in the past three months that they are both I would say alcoholics, possibly addicted to meth as well. Not sure about the meth honestly. That said, in the past few months, her and I have texted allot, she keeps saying she needs to put him in the past. She has lost a job (not sure why), and they were both arrested for 3rd degree Domestic Violence. But, times we've talked and texted I have fallen for her hard. She has pulled back from texting and talking. So I suspect they are trying to give it a go. I think they are engaged, though not sure. He gave her engagement ring last year (which she paid for). And he tried to rush her to marry him then. She was smart enough not to at the time though. I guess my question is this - what is the likelihood that they will make it. She hasn't hit rock bottom yet, though I don't know how truthfully. The last guy she was with from what I understand broke her jaw and she still ran back to him too. I just hope and pray for her recovery if nothing else. in the past three months she's said she loves me, I'm the one, etc. I know because of my state of mind, I bought it hook line and sinker. But I guess I'm hoping there is some truth to it. She called me up once drunk (only time I know of she was drunk when we communicated) and professed her love for me as well. Again, I've been hearing and seeing what I want to though no doubt.

suki44883

Chances are slim to none that they will have a happy, healthy marriage. Your best bet would be to let this one go. There are plenty of healthy people out there and you don't have anything invested in this, other than feelings, so this would be the time to just back away. She has some serious issues and she would bring those issues to any other relationship.

Edit to add: Have you ever even met this person face-to-face?

Learn2Live

Sell it back. Cheap. This does not sound like a healthy situation to get yourself in. And about the meth question? Trust your instincts. Where there's smoke, there's fire.

scopikaz

easier said then done... true I have nothing invested other than time or feelings. The times she is good though she is really good... and in spite of all her issues we actually seem to have a lot in common. I don't know, I'm just hoping and praying she will get sober and maybe down the road there will be a chance (if I haven't met someone else like you suggest by then). That said, I want to at least be her friend if nothing else. I think she has very few friends she can rely on. Very few. Is that what someone needs to get sober, one good friend? Does that help at all? Mind you not an enabler, but a friend.

suki44883

All one needs to get sober is the determination to do whatever is necessary. To be honest, it doesn't sound like she is ready. You cannot do or say anything that will make her ready. That is something that must come from inside her. Drinking and possibly doing meth are but symptoms of deeper issues. As I said, she will take those issues into any relationship, be it friendship or something more.

All addicts have "good times," but that does not make up for the chaos they cause when they are actively using. You cannot help her, as much as you might want to. She will drag you down with her. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but we know exactly what you are dealing with as we have all been there. You cannot love her any more than a parent loves their addicted child, but even parents have to step away from the addict in order to save themselves. You will do whatever you choose to do, but I hope you will at least read a lot about addiction and learn what you have to look forward to if you allow this person into your life.

choublak

How "recent" is this divorce? Dating too soon after a breakup/divorce clouds your judgment.

marie1960

Seriously, you truly do not know this person.

Perhaps you are infatuated with her, but the reality is, she is with someone else, and you are telling us she is an alcoholic and drug addict. Let's just say your sister or brother or best friend called you and shared this exact scenerio, what would you advise???

She has absolutely nothing to offer you. She is an addict. She is emotional unavailable. But I can assure you, if you hang around she will USE you anyway she can.

Friendship does not cure addiction.

Do yourself a favor, RUN AWAY.

scopikaz

Yes, I have met her a couple of times. She was an old acquaintance from high school. I saw her on Easter and again Memorial Day for a good part of the weekend. He was out of town and we spent a good part of weekend together. She seemed fine that whole time.

scopikaz

sadly, very recent

chronsweet

you are wondering if you have a future with a woman who is slinking around behind her fiance's back? Surely, he wouldn't 'approve' of such a relationship with his woman telling another man she loves him. Would you be willing to put up with that were the tables flipped. It sounds like she has her 'hooks' in ya and you are infatuated of the ideal of a relationship with both an unavailable woman in terms of the fact that she is already IN a relationship with someone else AND she has problems with addiction.

Although, I didn't know my ABF was an addict when I met him, if I would have had any idea, I probably would have run. I would NEVER be involved with a person IN a relationship. That is a deal breaker for me. Even more so than the alcohol, although, given what I know NOW about alcoholism, in any future relationships (either friend or boyfriend), I will never befriend an alcoholic again, ever. (Or addict of any kind)

FireSprite

Forgive me, but, I wonder why you believe her?

Have you seen evidence of the abuses, etc? It sounds like she's telling you what she wants you to believe & some of the facts are scary. She's lost her job, has addiction problems & a history of relationships involving (even centering around?) domestic violence. What's the attraction for you?

Odds are she's underplaying her addiction as well- if you keep reading here on SR you'll find (like I did) that the typical addict has SuperHuman Lying Abilities & are Master Manipulators. We talking about serious skills in dishonesty - I'm still amazed at how easily RAH was able to look me in the face & lie about something even if I was holding the evidence in my hand. I suspect she is playing you like a fiddle.

I think you would do yourself a favor by walking away, spending some time healing from your own divorce & not getting sucked into her craziness. Just my $.02!

choublak

JMHO, it's probably better if you don't date for awhile and take some time to work on yourself.

scopikaz

well, I know she lost a job for certain. I know they were both arrested for certain for domestic violence. I know for certain the police were called out there the week before for some disturbance as well and kicked him off the premises. I know for certain he verbally abuses her (I've heard it over the phone). I know her neighbor also thinks that the guy is a bum and not good for her. Now, I know he is not the problem either totally - it's her. If it's not him in the picture, it would be another like him no doubt.

I think where she's been playing me is that she keeps saying she doesn't love him and she says she hasn't in some time. May be true, but then why can't she leave him or kick him out of her own house.

No doubt though she's told me things she thinks I want to hear.

I do think she makes up some of the drama surrounding them though.

Although I was in her house and it is trashed.

I don't know - I know I need to listen to everyones advise and run... I just wish she'd get sober and clean and wise up....

Thanks everyone, seriously...

scopikaz

The last week or so, she has pulled back from talking/texting. Which could mean one of several things - she realizes that she wants to make it work with this guy, they're on serious binges (neither are working now - what else could they be doing?), or she's that fearful of him that she is no longer talking or communicating. In any case, it's probably for the best - and I can't help but wonder now if things do go south for them (which I suspect they will), will she make contact with me again? who knows.
thanks again for this good sounding board and advice.

angrywife

The problem is that to an addict, unless you are enabling, they don't consider you a friend. Just like everyone else, I say run like hell. You are only asking for a broken heart.

Pelican

There is a good reason why she has now friends or family support - she has sucked the life out of those relationships.

Alcoholism is progressive. It gets worse if untreated. The best person(s) to help are trained addiction specialist, medical professionals and/or another female with more experience in recovery from the same addictions. Do you meet those qualifications?

If not, let go or be dragged.